Need a little support
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Need a little support
Most of you know my story but a quick recap and a request for input.
I’m living in a town two hours away from my children and all of my friends and family. I have a high paying job that I was hired into on the condition I could get my security clearance. I took the job because they paid to move me 4 hours closer to my hometown. I was considering staying in this town but haven’t made any lasting connections and it’s just dumb to be away from my young children as they grow up. Anyway, I found out today my clearance got denied (duh, multiple recent arrests). Whether I get fired or not, I want to leave this town and get to my hometown. But they will probably terminate me, which will accelerate my timeline and put me in quite a financial bind. I pay my ex about $2,000/mo for kid costs. I will have no income. I have a little in savings which will quickly be consumed and I just bought a house a year ago that I will not be able to sell. To complicate things, getting a job in my industry will be difficult due to aforementioned legal problems.
So, my request...has anyone been in similar financial dire straights and emerged from it? I should note, at no time has this situation tempted me to drink. In fact it reinforces that I shouldn’t. I should also note, all of this predicament, from the jobs to the wife being an ex to just everything is a result of my addiction to alcohol.
Thanks!
I’m living in a town two hours away from my children and all of my friends and family. I have a high paying job that I was hired into on the condition I could get my security clearance. I took the job because they paid to move me 4 hours closer to my hometown. I was considering staying in this town but haven’t made any lasting connections and it’s just dumb to be away from my young children as they grow up. Anyway, I found out today my clearance got denied (duh, multiple recent arrests). Whether I get fired or not, I want to leave this town and get to my hometown. But they will probably terminate me, which will accelerate my timeline and put me in quite a financial bind. I pay my ex about $2,000/mo for kid costs. I will have no income. I have a little in savings which will quickly be consumed and I just bought a house a year ago that I will not be able to sell. To complicate things, getting a job in my industry will be difficult due to aforementioned legal problems.
So, my request...has anyone been in similar financial dire straights and emerged from it? I should note, at no time has this situation tempted me to drink. In fact it reinforces that I shouldn’t. I should also note, all of this predicament, from the jobs to the wife being an ex to just everything is a result of my addiction to alcohol.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
Hey, sorry to hear about your impending big life changes which will no doubt challenge you! I really have gone from being a high earner home owner, horse owner with stables and an orchard, to being unemployed in a small rented house with no garden. A few years ago this would have been unthinkable to me.
But I can honestly say I'm much happier now. There is something much simpler about my life now, no stress about being the best in my field and providing for my kids. They are older now but they don't ask for anything because they know I haven't got anything.
I do want to return to work but not like I was. Try to see this as a new beginning - you really will be ok and so will your kids if you are near them x
But I can honestly say I'm much happier now. There is something much simpler about my life now, no stress about being the best in my field and providing for my kids. They are older now but they don't ask for anything because they know I haven't got anything.
I do want to return to work but not like I was. Try to see this as a new beginning - you really will be ok and so will your kids if you are near them x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
You're a sharp character; you'll find a way through the financial stuff as long as you don't drink.
As for the other, there is only one thing that has or would ever matter to me: being near my children and being an active part of their lives, divorced or not.
Unless I have some reason to be away from them, like I'm curing cancer or resolving the conflict in Palestine,
"Good Father"
are the only words I want to see on my gravestone.
As for the other, there is only one thing that has or would ever matter to me: being near my children and being an active part of their lives, divorced or not.
Unless I have some reason to be away from them, like I'm curing cancer or resolving the conflict in Palestine,
"Good Father"
are the only words I want to see on my gravestone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Hey there, BetterMan. I enjoy reading your posts and I just want to say that I know what it feels like to have limited options while trying to stay sober. It is pretty difficult for me to find impetus to move past disappointment/perceived judgement and I want to say how admirable it is that you are reaching out for help. I also can relate to having made recent choices that have made sober life more difficult.
Are there related career choices in which you do not need a security clearance, are closer to your children and in your same field?
So sorry you are having a tough day. I just want you to know that you are a worthwhile, good person. What we are all doing here is tough; we often have to get healthy when our lives are in shambles. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me much-needed strength.
Are there related career choices in which you do not need a security clearance, are closer to your children and in your same field?
So sorry you are having a tough day. I just want you to know that you are a worthwhile, good person. What we are all doing here is tough; we often have to get healthy when our lives are in shambles. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me much-needed strength.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Are there related career choices in which you do not need a security clearance, are closer to your children and in your same field?
I agree that being close to your children is a priority.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I'm sorry for your situation, but I think that if you can make a choice to be near your children, go for it.
It does sound like this could be a time for big change in your life. Change is almost always uncomfortable, but it could be a good thing. I wonder why you say you will not be able to see your house?
It does sound like this could be a time for big change in your life. Change is almost always uncomfortable, but it could be a good thing. I wonder why you say you will not be able to see your house?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Thanks so much everyone.
What I didn’t mention is that that last night I started applying at places in my hometown. So effectively, last night I decided to go back to the kids no matter what. This would have just accelerated that.
And a plot twist, turns out my clearance hasn’t been declined YET. But this little scare has really prompted me to make the move home a priority.
Now I am going to my first AA meeting tonight since my relapse 10 days ago. I called a few of the people in my home group while I was drinking for help. So I’m quite ashamed but my sponsor told me that this disease feeds on shame. And it turns out that I already have the “I’ll stay home all alone, totally isolated from the world and solve this by myself” thing all figured out so maybe I should go be around people that can help...
What I didn’t mention is that that last night I started applying at places in my hometown. So effectively, last night I decided to go back to the kids no matter what. This would have just accelerated that.
And a plot twist, turns out my clearance hasn’t been declined YET. But this little scare has really prompted me to make the move home a priority.
Now I am going to my first AA meeting tonight since my relapse 10 days ago. I called a few of the people in my home group while I was drinking for help. So I’m quite ashamed but my sponsor told me that this disease feeds on shame. And it turns out that I already have the “I’ll stay home all alone, totally isolated from the world and solve this by myself” thing all figured out so maybe I should go be around people that can help...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by DontRemember 
You could possibly rent out your house until it's a better time for you to sell to offset the cost of the mortgage. AA (mine was court ordered) was crucial in the first few months of my sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Wondering if you can also go to court and get the child support reduced until you have another job with new income for the calculation of new child support.
Staying sober as you know will be KEY in helping you get thru this tough time and figure everything out.
Staying sober as you know will be KEY in helping you get thru this tough time and figure everything out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
... last night I decided to go back to the kids no matter what....
Now I am going to my first AA meeting tonight since my relapse 10 days ago.... maybe I should go be around people that can help...
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
This thread is full of so many hopeful uncertainties. The job/house situation will sort themselves out. Moving closer to your children is a healthy, positive action that will no doubt benefit your sobriety. I’m looking forward to this part of your journey.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
BABM - support to you - my situation hasn't been the same but it has had financial, housing, etc challenges for certain. Like you said- and I am so glad you are back sober- staying sober is the only way to handle it.
My thoughts to add to those above- especially yours about the direction of moving to your kids which is awesome (and involves the house etc challenge) - is first....none of this is happening TODAY. The clearance situation might resolve itself first, but I know that uncertainty can drive us batty at minimum (drinking at worst). I had to learn to focus on the next literal action, even if it was taking a shower or leaving the house to get to a meeting on time. At the very least it makes the present a bit easier!
So (SO) many things that have happened since I got sober were totally different than I expected. Mostly good - or manageable- or certainly as I have gone on and as my spiritual life directs me, what is supposed to happen. My active participation in life is essential - keep going, today, and I am glad you are discussing it all here and IRL.
My thoughts to add to those above- especially yours about the direction of moving to your kids which is awesome (and involves the house etc challenge) - is first....none of this is happening TODAY. The clearance situation might resolve itself first, but I know that uncertainty can drive us batty at minimum (drinking at worst). I had to learn to focus on the next literal action, even if it was taking a shower or leaving the house to get to a meeting on time. At the very least it makes the present a bit easier!
So (SO) many things that have happened since I got sober were totally different than I expected. Mostly good - or manageable- or certainly as I have gone on and as my spiritual life directs me, what is supposed to happen. My active participation in life is essential - keep going, today, and I am glad you are discussing it all here and IRL.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
You’re right August, it is not happening today. I’m an engineer, a Type A personality and a catastrophist so I spend most of my life living in the future I can’t control. It creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety and I imagine often led to my drinking. Living in today is always a challenge for me.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
^It's so hard!! I'm the English major type who loves words and such, and prone to anxiety as well as (ahem) creativity. Imagining the what ifs...le sigh.
It takes practice for sure. Learning about my character defects (as we describe it in AA) including need to control things that I cannot control (which is everything besides how I act, bottom line!) is a biggie.
It takes practice for sure. Learning about my character defects (as we describe it in AA) including need to control things that I cannot control (which is everything besides how I act, bottom line!) is a biggie.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
You’re right August, it is not happening today. I’m an engineer, a Type A personality and a catastrophist so I spend most of my life living in the future I can’t control. It creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety and I imagine often led to my drinking. Living in today is always a challenge for me.
I'm not saying I never catastrophise, go to the worst possible outcome or I never overthink anymore but I am better and I am at least aware that I'm doing it and that it's not always the best response to a situation.
I've learned various tips tricks and coping mechanisms.
Challenging negative thinking | ReachOut.com Australia
Negative Self-Talk: 9 Ways To Silence Your Inner Critic
Challenging Negative Self-Talk | Psych Central
Positive thinking: Reduce stress by eliminating negative self-talk - Mayo Clinic
Change Your Inner Talk From Negative To Positive
We can't let it get to the point where we want to numb ourselves out again. That's not a solution - that's just treading flood water, and passing the buck.
D
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