Why Doesn't He See the Hurt?
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Why Doesn't He See the Hurt?
I was talking to some Al Anon friends today about the XAF, whom I still have limited texting contact with over shared bills and things. I took ownership of the things I did wrong today and apologized (that's what happens after a meeting about Step 10 :-))
I realized he has never, ever admitted he did anything wrong. He totally admits he is an alcoholic. He goes to AA regularly. He is, as far as I know, totally sober now. He owns the alcoholic part, but when you ask him who he hurt or what his alcoholism did to those who love him, he has no answer (a mutual friend asked him that exact question). I don't understand how you can sit in those meetings and hear the regrets in other people and have none yourself.
Does this mean he is just white knuckling it? Faking it? Will he somehow get it someday?
As much as I wish I could say hey, you did this and this and this, I am not. I have refrained from any blaming or accusations or any negative interactions. Except for the apology for something I had done a couple weeks ago, my texts with him have been cordial. To his family, it's all me with the end of the relationship, yet another thing he isn't taking responsibility for. How does a 55yo man not see the hurt he has left in his wake?
I realized he has never, ever admitted he did anything wrong. He totally admits he is an alcoholic. He goes to AA regularly. He is, as far as I know, totally sober now. He owns the alcoholic part, but when you ask him who he hurt or what his alcoholism did to those who love him, he has no answer (a mutual friend asked him that exact question). I don't understand how you can sit in those meetings and hear the regrets in other people and have none yourself.
Does this mean he is just white knuckling it? Faking it? Will he somehow get it someday?
As much as I wish I could say hey, you did this and this and this, I am not. I have refrained from any blaming or accusations or any negative interactions. Except for the apology for something I had done a couple weeks ago, my texts with him have been cordial. To his family, it's all me with the end of the relationship, yet another thing he isn't taking responsibility for. How does a 55yo man not see the hurt he has left in his wake?
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he's been sober for what....40 days or so? whether he is white knuckling it OR fully engaged in recovery, right now he's working on NOT drinking. if he is attending AA and engaged in the program, which are the 12 steps, he still has a long way to go before fully embracing steps 8 and 9.
even if today he said I'm Sorry, what would that really mean or do for you? a parrot can be taught to "say" those words.
i would not wait for an amends or an apology. your healing should not be dependent upon anyone else admitting their faults or wrong doings.
even if today he said I'm Sorry, what would that really mean or do for you? a parrot can be taught to "say" those words.
i would not wait for an amends or an apology. your healing should not be dependent upon anyone else admitting their faults or wrong doings.
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You are applying "normal" thought patterns and normal "emotions" to an alcoholic who has only been "sober" for about 20 minutes.
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
As long as you continue to expect him to think like you do, to see a relationship as you see it (interaction, sharing of feelings, reliability, compromise, honesty) you are going to be disappointed.
Even if in some way he does realize what he has done to others, the shame that emanates from that is not something he will want to be dwelling on.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process".
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
As long as you continue to expect him to think like you do, to see a relationship as you see it (interaction, sharing of feelings, reliability, compromise, honesty) you are going to be disappointed.
Even if in some way he does realize what he has done to others, the shame that emanates from that is not something he will want to be dwelling on.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process".
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I didn't leave my A, he died.
I didn't leave, even the day he said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and my beer. You won't like the answer."
I think - when all is said and done, he did the best he could. It wasn't much, it wasn't adequate, but it was the best he could do at any given moment.
He was a frail, flawed person, like we all are. I did awful things, too.
If an A truly considered all the harm he or she had done - really - it would just drive him to drink more to try and forget. I get that it's part of the steps and all. Some people just suck at admitting their own flaws.
My parents were pretty good folks (Dad was a functional alcoholic, but that became more prominent after he retired.) They held down responsible jobs. They drove us everywhere. They instilled in us a good work ethic. They encouraged us to get educated and even funded college educations for us (One of the three of us finished)
You know what they didn't do? Admit when they'd made mistakes.
The frustrating thing about people is they're human.
I didn't leave, even the day he said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and my beer. You won't like the answer."
I think - when all is said and done, he did the best he could. It wasn't much, it wasn't adequate, but it was the best he could do at any given moment.
He was a frail, flawed person, like we all are. I did awful things, too.
If an A truly considered all the harm he or she had done - really - it would just drive him to drink more to try and forget. I get that it's part of the steps and all. Some people just suck at admitting their own flaws.
My parents were pretty good folks (Dad was a functional alcoholic, but that became more prominent after he retired.) They held down responsible jobs. They drove us everywhere. They instilled in us a good work ethic. They encouraged us to get educated and even funded college educations for us (One of the three of us finished)
You know what they didn't do? Admit when they'd made mistakes.
The frustrating thing about people is they're human.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
he's been sober for what....40 days or so? whether he is white knuckling it OR fully engaged in recovery, right now he's working on NOT drinking. if he is attending AA and engaged in the program, which are the 12 steps, he still has a long way to go before fully embracing steps 8 and 9.
even if today he said I'm Sorry, what would that really mean or do for you? a parrot can be taught to "say" those words.
i would not wait for an amends or an apology. your healing should not be dependent upon anyone else admitting their faults or wrong doings.
even if today he said I'm Sorry, what would that really mean or do for you? a parrot can be taught to "say" those words.
i would not wait for an amends or an apology. your healing should not be dependent upon anyone else admitting their faults or wrong doings.
I still haven't made the breakup and canceling of the wedding public. I think I'm still hopeful that will change, but I don't think it will. I also just don't want to deal with all the "what happened? You guys were so happy" questions. Because I don't have an answer other than he got sober and became a jerk at the same time. Sigh.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are applying "normal" thought patterns and normal "emotions" to an alcoholic who has only been "sober" for about 20 minutes.
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
And he hasn't once asked how I'm doing or--and this is totally weird--how our dog is doing (I took her with me). He loves that silly dog. Not once has he asked for a picture or anything, which he always does when we are separated by travel or something.
So, what you quoted makes sense to me. That blaming me, the person he has said more than once loves him more than anyone ever has, is some kind of convoluted logic in his mind.
Like I said, I haven't made this public knowledge on social media and I'm not sure whether to do that or wait this out and see if the tide shifts. I'm not sitting here waiting on him, but I also really believe that he is still in there somewhere.
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Originally Posted by velma929
I didn't leave my A, he died.
I didn't leave, even the day he said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and my beer. You won't like the answer."
I think - when all is said and done, he did the best he could. It wasn't much, it wasn't adequate, but it was the best he could do at any given moment.
He was a frail, flawed person, like we all are. I did awful things, too.
If an A truly considered all the harm he or she had done - really - it would just drive him to drink more to try and forget. I get that it's part of the steps and all. Some people just suck at admitting their own flaws.
My parents were pretty good folks (Dad was a functional alcoholic, but that became more prominent after he retired.) They held down responsible jobs. They drove us everywhere. They instilled in us a good work ethic. They encouraged us to get educated and even funded college educations for us (One of the three of us finished)
You know what they didn't do? Admit when they'd made mistakes.
The frustrating thing about people is they're human.
I didn't leave, even the day he said, "Don't ask me to choose between you and my beer. You won't like the answer."
I think - when all is said and done, he did the best he could. It wasn't much, it wasn't adequate, but it was the best he could do at any given moment.
He was a frail, flawed person, like we all are. I did awful things, too.
If an A truly considered all the harm he or she had done - really - it would just drive him to drink more to try and forget. I get that it's part of the steps and all. Some people just suck at admitting their own flaws.
My parents were pretty good folks (Dad was a functional alcoholic, but that became more prominent after he retired.) They held down responsible jobs. They drove us everywhere. They instilled in us a good work ethic. They encouraged us to get educated and even funded college educations for us (One of the three of us finished)
You know what they didn't do? Admit when they'd made mistakes.
The frustrating thing about people is they're human.
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TriStrong……..this man has been using something to buffer himself from reality for about three and one half decades (from your sharings)….and, to expect such deep changes in just about 6weeks (about 41 days?) is expecting quite a bit, I think. I think it would be more realistic of you to think in terms of two or three years....or, 4 or 5 years, according to some people in the recovery community. Putting down the bottle or the pills. etc. is just the first step on the journey of recovery. Sort of like strapping on your skis before the first, ever, trip down the beginners slope.....
Alcoholism takes a deep on the mind, body and spirit of the person under it's control....
I so totally get it, that we want those who we are intimately bonded with to "see" us...to "feel" us, and to know that we matter to them.....that is natural, and is a need that we have in our close relationships with others.....
This is one reason that so many have to leave the active alcoholic.... in order to save themselves.....
Of the recovering alcoholics that I have talks to....so many of them have said that one of the hardest parts of staying in recovery is facing their own shame and guilt....so much so, that the pain of facing it can lead them back to the bottle if they are not intense in working their program.....
It is very painful to face genuine guilt and shame. It can take a lot...lot...of program work, and therapy and faith to work through it....
It usually does not happen over a weekend.
The ego finds ways to protect itself from what is just too threatening to bear....
To admit one's downfallings to another, one has to, first, be able to admit it to oneself.....the hardest thing of all for a person to do.....
Every alcoholic's or addict's journey into genuine recovery is unique to them.....
As their loved ones, we, naturally have our expectations of how we would like for them to be.....but, it is, nevertheless, something that is our of our reach.....they are who they are....
Alcoholism takes a deep on the mind, body and spirit of the person under it's control....
I so totally get it, that we want those who we are intimately bonded with to "see" us...to "feel" us, and to know that we matter to them.....that is natural, and is a need that we have in our close relationships with others.....
This is one reason that so many have to leave the active alcoholic.... in order to save themselves.....
Of the recovering alcoholics that I have talks to....so many of them have said that one of the hardest parts of staying in recovery is facing their own shame and guilt....so much so, that the pain of facing it can lead them back to the bottle if they are not intense in working their program.....
It is very painful to face genuine guilt and shame. It can take a lot...lot...of program work, and therapy and faith to work through it....
It usually does not happen over a weekend.
The ego finds ways to protect itself from what is just too threatening to bear....
To admit one's downfallings to another, one has to, first, be able to admit it to oneself.....the hardest thing of all for a person to do.....
Every alcoholic's or addict's journey into genuine recovery is unique to them.....
As their loved ones, we, naturally have our expectations of how we would like for them to be.....but, it is, nevertheless, something that is our of our reach.....they are who they are....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Of the recovering alcoholics that I have talks to....so many of them have said that one of the hardest parts of staying in recovery is facing their own shame and guilt....so much so, that the pain of facing it can lead them back to the bottle if they are not intense in working their program.....
It is very painful to face genuine guilt and shame. It can take a lot...lot...of program work, and therapy and faith to work through it....
It usually does not happen over a weekend.
The ego finds ways to protect itself from what is just too threatening to bear....
To admit one's downfallings to another, one has to, first, be able to admit it to oneself.....the hardest thing of all for a person to do......
It is very painful to face genuine guilt and shame. It can take a lot...lot...of program work, and therapy and faith to work through it....
It usually does not happen over a weekend.
The ego finds ways to protect itself from what is just too threatening to bear....
To admit one's downfallings to another, one has to, first, be able to admit it to oneself.....the hardest thing of all for a person to do......
I want to tell him that you can work through these things, that the hurt you inflicted can be forgiven, and that people love him deeply. But I can't. Sigh.
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TriStrong…...the messages that he needs for recovery are best delivered by those in his recovery community. They will be more easily accepted and believed by them. One of the most powerful aspects of the group dynamic is that it feels non-judgemental, to the members (compared to the rest of the world).
When guilt and shame are involved....it is a lot about feeling judged. Even judged by our loved ones.
A very hard thing is to keep our hands off of the alcoholic's recovery program....they don't need our help with that.....
They will do better knowing that their recovery and success comes from entirely from within themselves (and recovery community)….something that they can be proud of...... having their very own mastery over their circumstances....
I think that the best kind of support is to get out of their way....and, just not be obstructive...…
(and not hovering....lol)…….
When guilt and shame are involved....it is a lot about feeling judged. Even judged by our loved ones.
A very hard thing is to keep our hands off of the alcoholic's recovery program....they don't need our help with that.....
They will do better knowing that their recovery and success comes from entirely from within themselves (and recovery community)….something that they can be proud of...... having their very own mastery over their circumstances....
I think that the best kind of support is to get out of their way....and, just not be obstructive...…
(and not hovering....lol)…….
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He used something for 35 years. Drank for 30. In the relationship, before the drinking got out of control a few months ago, he actually was super sweet and took care of me, told me how he felt all the time, checked in during the day to see how I was. He stepped out of his comfort zone to do a few things I wanted to do, and things like that. He was absolutely fantastic with my kids, and with me. That's the part I just don't understand--he loves me, I know he does, and he had over a year of being AMAZING before the alcohol got deep into him and he switched. That's why I'm having such a hard time letting go, I think. That's the man I love. That's the man I want back.
correct me if i am wrong but he was drinking during the two years you were together and it just didn't seem that bad til he admitted his problem last november? so a year or so in? and then it just progressed.
you have never known him as a fully sober man. even the nice fun guy you knew was under the influence. most everyone tries to be at their shiny best at the beginning of a relationship, then once the hook is in, they can ease up. for him it meant he could start ramping up the drinking. again. til it got out of control and wrecked another relationship.
correct me if i am wrong but he was drinking during the two years you were together and it just didn't seem that bad til he admitted his problem last november? so a year or so in? and then it just progressed.
you have never known him as a fully sober man. even the nice fun guy you knew was under the influence. most everyone tries to be at their shiny best at the beginning of a relationship, then once the hook is in, they can ease up. for him it meant he could start ramping up the drinking. again. til it got out of control and wrecked another relationship.
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Originally Posted by TriStrong
Yes, about 40 days. A heartfelt sorry would make a difference, because I think it would turn off some of my own self-blame. You are right about my healing. I'm trying so very hard to move forward every day. I cut and colored my hair today, something new and fresh, and got work done that has been behind because of all this. So...go me. Long ways to go yet on my end.
I still haven't made the breakup and canceling of the wedding public. I think I'm still hopeful that will change, but I don't think it will. I also just don't want to deal with all the "what happened? You guys were so happy" questions. Because I don't have an answer other than he got sober and became a jerk at the same time. Sigh.
I still haven't made the breakup and canceling of the wedding public. I think I'm still hopeful that will change, but I don't think it will. I also just don't want to deal with all the "what happened? You guys were so happy" questions. Because I don't have an answer other than he got sober and became a jerk at the same time. Sigh.
Your ex may have some good qualities, but right now he’s got nothing to offer you. If he never even realizes he hurt you, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t. If he goes to his grave thinking you wronged him, still doesn’t mean you did anything other than you needed to do to save your sanity. Maybe down the road he will offer you a real apology after having done the work to get his head straight, or maybe he’s going to fall back into the pit and lie to himself forever. Who knows. But only you can heal yourself, just as right now he’s the only person who can help him.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
You are applying "normal" thought patterns and normal "emotions" to an alcoholic who has only been "sober" for about 20 minutes.
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
As long as you continue to expect him to think like you do, to see a relationship as you see it (interaction, sharing of feelings, reliability, compromise, honesty) you are going to be disappointed.
Even if in some way he does realize what he has done to others, the shame that emanates from that is not something he will want to be dwelling on.
"This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process".
How many years has he been an addict? How many years has he been focused on his problems and himself?
When you were actually with him, was he not self-centered at all, was he concerned with your feelings, did he ask you how you felt about things, worry about you if you were sick with a cold, bring you nyquil? Was he good about making plans and keeping them? Did he ask what you would like, what you wanted to watch what you wanted to do?
Since you left, has he ever asked how you are doing?
As long as you continue to expect him to think like you do, to see a relationship as you see it (interaction, sharing of feelings, reliability, compromise, honesty) you are going to be disappointed.
Even if in some way he does realize what he has done to others, the shame that emanates from that is not something he will want to be dwelling on.
"This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most. Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
Corresponding in a mirror image fashion to the addict's sense of unfair victimization by his significant others may be the rising self-pity, resentment and outrage of those whose lives are repeatedly disturbed or disrupted by the addict's behavior. A downward spiral commences of reciprocally reinforcing mistrust and resentment as once healthy and mutually supportive relationships begin to corrode under the toxic effects of the relentless addictive process".
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It seems he has realized he can't cope with any of this and the decline you noticed when "he had over a year of being AMAZING before the alcohol got deep into him and he switched" is not unusual.
How do you account for this switch at one year?
How do you account for this switch at one year?
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
TriStrong, I understand how you feel because I have been there. Best to focus on yourself, and leave him to his recovery. At 40 days, he is barely anywhere near true sobriety, I think that sober is not just when you put down the alcohol, it's much deeper than that. It takes time to clear your mind of all of the crazy thinking that comes with alcoholism..some people take years to get through the steps, and that's ok. If he were to apologize to you now, it would be just words...try to keep the focus on yourself, and you will feel so much better sooner. Just as it will take him time to get better on his own...the same goes for you. You have been negatively affected as we all have been here, by the behavior of an alcoholic, and it takes time to get clear...Give yourself that time, and leave him to the same, if you can. It is wonderful that you are both trying to be healthy. Someday, you will be grateful that he ended it now.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 47
He is no where near ready for a true apology. My XABF managed to insult me while apologizing to me the last time we spoke. It didn't help just left me feeling confused. I've been no contact with him since. Keep working on you
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Originally Posted by dandylion
TriStrong…...the messages that he needs for recovery are best delivered by those in his recovery community. They will be more easily accepted and believed by them. One of the most powerful aspects of the group dynamic is that it feels non-judgemental, to the members (compared to the rest of the world).
When guilt and shame are involved....it is a lot about feeling judged. Even judged by our loved ones.
A very hard thing is to keep our hands off of the alcoholic's recovery program....they don't need our help with that.....
They will do better knowing that their recovery and success comes from entirely from within themselves (and recovery community)….something that they can be proud of...... having their very own mastery over their circumstances....
I think that the best kind of support is to get out of their way....and, just not be obstructive...…
(and not hovering....lol)…….
When guilt and shame are involved....it is a lot about feeling judged. Even judged by our loved ones.
A very hard thing is to keep our hands off of the alcoholic's recovery program....they don't need our help with that.....
They will do better knowing that their recovery and success comes from entirely from within themselves (and recovery community)….something that they can be proud of...... having their very own mastery over their circumstances....
I think that the best kind of support is to get out of their way....and, just not be obstructive...…
(and not hovering....lol)…….
I'm really trying to respect his boundaries while I work on myself. I have had so many eye-opening moments between Al Anon and the ACOA book. I'm starting to understand the Why behind a lot of the choices I made, and my part in undermining the relationship. The ACOA book said that ACOA have trouble with impulse control, and they overreact and create chaos, and huge messes to clean up--that is definitely me. The book said that the ACOA is acting exactly like the alcoholic, and I never realized that until today. So just as he needs to succeed on his own, I need to succeed on my own and learn to live in this space of panic and anxiety and uncertainty. Not for him, but so that my future is far less chaotic than my past has been.
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Originally Posted by DiggingForFire
Your ex may have some good qualities, but right now he’s got nothing to offer you. If he never even realizes he hurt you, it doesn’t mean that he didn’t. If he goes to his grave thinking you wronged him, still doesn’t mean you did anything other than you needed to do to save your sanity. Maybe down the road he will offer you a real apology after having done the work to get his head straight, or maybe he’s going to fall back into the pit and lie to himself forever. Who knows. But only you can heal yourself, just as right now he’s the only person who can help him.
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Posts: 91
Originally Posted by trailmix
It seems he has realized he can't cope with any of this and the decline you noticed when "he had over a year of being AMAZING before the alcohol got deep into him and he switched" is not unusual.
How do you account for this switch at one year?
How do you account for this switch at one year?
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Posts: 91
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
TriStrong, I understand how you feel because I have been there. Best to focus on yourself, and leave him to his recovery. At 40 days, he is barely anywhere near true sobriety, I think that sober is not just when you put down the alcohol, it's much deeper than that. It takes time to clear your mind of all of the crazy thinking that comes with alcoholism..some people take years to get through the steps, and that's ok. If he were to apologize to you now, it would be just words...try to keep the focus on yourself, and you will feel so much better sooner. Just as it will take him time to get better on his own...the same goes for you. You have been negatively affected as we all have been here, by the behavior of an alcoholic, and it takes time to get clear...Give yourself that time, and leave him to the same, if you can. It is wonderful that you are both trying to be healthy. Someday, you will be grateful that he ended it now.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
If it's meant to be, it will be.
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