innapropreate venting.
girl of very little tact
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 18
innapropreate venting.
Heh, I guess I shouldn't post here, I am sure the wise will stop reading here but in the hope that the foolish or very bored read on I am going to post this. Its what I love about the interent I can talk about myself, and it doesnt matter if anyone reads it, heck it might get deleted but I can always pretend to myself someone heard what I had to say.
Even tho its not been that much time, last time I posted here, drugs were to me about excitement and having fun. But now they are not. Now they are about something totally different. Something they used to be about a long time ago. I dont think I fully understood the last time this happened what i wanted, I knew I wanted to ruin everything, I didn't like that I wanted that, my moral code states the first responsibility is to the self (based on the premis, happy people like to make other people happy and miserable people like to wallow and infect people with misery). So I wasn't best pleased with my continual driving for self destruction. But anyway, I realised why I wanted that, which is so obvious now I figured it out.
I dont want to care about anything. And so long as there is something to care about even a little I will even a little care.
But I didnt care, I mean I was so blissfully apathetic but then I dunno, I am 18, and all the time my dad keeps saying "the world doesnt owe you a living" and I know its true, I cant spend forever sitting around doing **** all but thats all I want to do.
And I am ******* terrified, and I know I am a spolied little brat, but that doesnt change the fact I am a spoiled little brat. Anyway, thats what drugs are about now. They are about becomeing so ****** up, that I cannot care, its weird that it hurts so much to care about ****, and then I want it to hurt more so that it hurts so much I cant do it anymore. I want nothing to matter ever again. For years I have been wallowing in apathy, but it wasnt real, I was terrified and I didnt tell myself because I wanted to not care because I figured if I didnt care it didnt matter, but I am so scared, of just life in general.
Which sucks, I mean all this time I thought I was so ******* hard and ****, when I am ******* terrified to go out or talk to people or have a life because it makes me uncomfortable, and I just pretended it was because I wanted to be that way, that I hated people, and stuff. I dunno. I have to drink to socialise, I have to take painkillers to not be irritable and agressive, I have to take pills to sleep unless I stay up all night which ***** up my sleep schedule - again. I am stuck in a middle of knowhere town where I only have one freind who I asked out whilst on excstacy, who loves me - and I dont love him and its aquard, and everyone I love is far away, even when they come to visit the distance is so obvious, I cant relate to anyone anymore.
Whinge, bitxh, moan.
Blah. Ok I am done venting. No I am not but I cant think anymore so I am done venting in words.
I'm sorry I bugged you all with this (cudos for reading this far btw) only I'm not sorry at all hense my pressing submit instad of closing this window and never coming back to this website.
Even tho its not been that much time, last time I posted here, drugs were to me about excitement and having fun. But now they are not. Now they are about something totally different. Something they used to be about a long time ago. I dont think I fully understood the last time this happened what i wanted, I knew I wanted to ruin everything, I didn't like that I wanted that, my moral code states the first responsibility is to the self (based on the premis, happy people like to make other people happy and miserable people like to wallow and infect people with misery). So I wasn't best pleased with my continual driving for self destruction. But anyway, I realised why I wanted that, which is so obvious now I figured it out.
I dont want to care about anything. And so long as there is something to care about even a little I will even a little care.
But I didnt care, I mean I was so blissfully apathetic but then I dunno, I am 18, and all the time my dad keeps saying "the world doesnt owe you a living" and I know its true, I cant spend forever sitting around doing **** all but thats all I want to do.
And I am ******* terrified, and I know I am a spolied little brat, but that doesnt change the fact I am a spoiled little brat. Anyway, thats what drugs are about now. They are about becomeing so ****** up, that I cannot care, its weird that it hurts so much to care about ****, and then I want it to hurt more so that it hurts so much I cant do it anymore. I want nothing to matter ever again. For years I have been wallowing in apathy, but it wasnt real, I was terrified and I didnt tell myself because I wanted to not care because I figured if I didnt care it didnt matter, but I am so scared, of just life in general.
Which sucks, I mean all this time I thought I was so ******* hard and ****, when I am ******* terrified to go out or talk to people or have a life because it makes me uncomfortable, and I just pretended it was because I wanted to be that way, that I hated people, and stuff. I dunno. I have to drink to socialise, I have to take painkillers to not be irritable and agressive, I have to take pills to sleep unless I stay up all night which ***** up my sleep schedule - again. I am stuck in a middle of knowhere town where I only have one freind who I asked out whilst on excstacy, who loves me - and I dont love him and its aquard, and everyone I love is far away, even when they come to visit the distance is so obvious, I cant relate to anyone anymore.
Whinge, bitxh, moan.
Blah. Ok I am done venting. No I am not but I cant think anymore so I am done venting in words.
I'm sorry I bugged you all with this (cudos for reading this far btw) only I'm not sorry at all hense my pressing submit instad of closing this window and never coming back to this website.
Only by the Grace of God....
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Gratitude and Thanks
Posts: 83
nihil,
Right On! you sound like the rest of us. welcome to the club. I would venture to guess that 99% of the people that are on this board/forum can relate to exactly what you said. You aren't the only SOB out there that feels or has felt that way.
Most of us Addicts/Alki's - whatever your escape mechanism of choice is. For me it was a combo of anything. I'm now 32, when I was 18 my drug of choice was what was in front of me to escape from :
""Which sucks, I mean all this time I thought I was so ******* hard and ****, when I am ******* terrified to go out or talk to people or have a life because it makes me uncomfortable, and I just pretended it was because I wanted to be that way, that I hated people, and stuff. I dunno. I have to drink to socialise, I have to take painkillers to not be irritable and agressive, I have to take pills to sleep unless I stay up all night which ***** up my sleep schedule - again.""
...or whatever else I was uncomfortable with or wanted to escape from or wanted to escape to.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE... in your feelings, your thoughts or your actions. Most of us have been there, done that.
THE GOOD NEWS IS....there is a way out if you so choose. You made a good 1st step in tuning into this forum. The next step is to get to a recovery meeting AA/NA etc. Look in your phonebook or internet for the nearest one to you. If you have to drive for an hour or two, so be it. Your life is worth it!!!!!!
By the way, did you know that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and thus the rest of the recovery programs started in the UK? Started by the Oxford Group a long time ago.
There is a solution, if you: keep coming back to this forum, and to your local meetings where you'll find people exactly like you. You'll be surprised, its a little scary, you'll be freaked when someone else is talking in a meeting and tells your life story (with names and places changed of course).
Thanks for Posting. Keep coming back.
Sean
Right On! you sound like the rest of us. welcome to the club. I would venture to guess that 99% of the people that are on this board/forum can relate to exactly what you said. You aren't the only SOB out there that feels or has felt that way.
Most of us Addicts/Alki's - whatever your escape mechanism of choice is. For me it was a combo of anything. I'm now 32, when I was 18 my drug of choice was what was in front of me to escape from :
""Which sucks, I mean all this time I thought I was so ******* hard and ****, when I am ******* terrified to go out or talk to people or have a life because it makes me uncomfortable, and I just pretended it was because I wanted to be that way, that I hated people, and stuff. I dunno. I have to drink to socialise, I have to take painkillers to not be irritable and agressive, I have to take pills to sleep unless I stay up all night which ***** up my sleep schedule - again.""
...or whatever else I was uncomfortable with or wanted to escape from or wanted to escape to.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE... in your feelings, your thoughts or your actions. Most of us have been there, done that.
THE GOOD NEWS IS....there is a way out if you so choose. You made a good 1st step in tuning into this forum. The next step is to get to a recovery meeting AA/NA etc. Look in your phonebook or internet for the nearest one to you. If you have to drive for an hour or two, so be it. Your life is worth it!!!!!!
By the way, did you know that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and thus the rest of the recovery programs started in the UK? Started by the Oxford Group a long time ago.
There is a solution, if you: keep coming back to this forum, and to your local meetings where you'll find people exactly like you. You'll be surprised, its a little scary, you'll be freaked when someone else is talking in a meeting and tells your life story (with names and places changed of course).
Thanks for Posting. Keep coming back.
Sean
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
nihil,
In the sincere hope that you don't really decide not to come back to this website, Welcome To The Club. You are not the only one in the world who used drugs because they were afraid to care. Drugs (cause Alcohol is a drug no matter what they say and I used quite a few of the other too) were my escape from caring for 25 years. It always seemed so much easier to numb myself into submission cause then I really didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I pretended to care when it seemed required but drugs always kept me surrounded in this nice little buffer. As I found out the hard way, I just couldn't keep that up 25 hours a day for the rest of my life. God knows I tried though.
There is a better way and I found it with the help of a great many people who had been where I was and wanted to help. I don't want preach N.A. and A.A at you cause I'm really not a hardcore program person. I'm more of softcore program person. All I can tell you is that I found my true self by letting go of the only self I'd known since I was 15 and by letting the experience, strength and hope of others do for me what I could not do for myself. There was a time when I thought that letting other people help me was weak and that I had to do it all by myself or it didn't really count. I could not have been more wrong.
I hope you find your way down the path.
Jah Bless
In the sincere hope that you don't really decide not to come back to this website, Welcome To The Club. You are not the only one in the world who used drugs because they were afraid to care. Drugs (cause Alcohol is a drug no matter what they say and I used quite a few of the other too) were my escape from caring for 25 years. It always seemed so much easier to numb myself into submission cause then I really didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I pretended to care when it seemed required but drugs always kept me surrounded in this nice little buffer. As I found out the hard way, I just couldn't keep that up 25 hours a day for the rest of my life. God knows I tried though.
There is a better way and I found it with the help of a great many people who had been where I was and wanted to help. I don't want preach N.A. and A.A at you cause I'm really not a hardcore program person. I'm more of softcore program person. All I can tell you is that I found my true self by letting go of the only self I'd known since I was 15 and by letting the experience, strength and hope of others do for me what I could not do for myself. There was a time when I thought that letting other people help me was weak and that I had to do it all by myself or it didn't really count. I could not have been more wrong.
I hope you find your way down the path.
Jah Bless
spirit
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: perth,western australia
Posts: 1,460
nihil, you obviously need some support and help, use this place to get it. you are not wasting anyones time at all, this is what we are here for
but you need to keep reaching out ok
kath
but you need to keep reaching out ok
kath
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
There are many people who care and understand. Been there to. Towards the end of my drinking career I lost all interest in anything, isolated, blamed, was just as miserable. I knew it was up to me to do something, but for a long time I preferred that existence as I could continue to use, be miserable. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your young, so it's normal to not know what you want. But other then drugs, there has to be something that interests you, academically, artistically, a hobby.
In finding a means of support, by coming here, maybe you can begin finding those answers, next phase is making it happen, but most of us couldn't do it alone. No matter how worse off we thought we were then the other drunk or addict, there is always someone just if not more selfish and miserable. We get good at living in the disese, and by finding a means of support you'll learn how to get out of yourself. Don't give up on you, we haven't! *hugs*
In finding a means of support, by coming here, maybe you can begin finding those answers, next phase is making it happen, but most of us couldn't do it alone. No matter how worse off we thought we were then the other drunk or addict, there is always someone just if not more selfish and miserable. We get good at living in the disese, and by finding a means of support you'll learn how to get out of yourself. Don't give up on you, we haven't! *hugs*
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