Help me to know if contacting him is enabling

Old 10-04-2019, 07:33 AM
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Help me to know if contacting him is enabling

I have spent hours reading your site. My son is 19 and an addict. Says he does not have a problem. He smokes dagga daily and tested positive for MET, 2 weeks ago. Long story short, he barely passed matric. Got a good job. Applied to work in the USA. Got that job and was due to leave next week. THEN in an instant....resigned from his job, gave up the USA opportunity (he took his own drug test and failed, so never went to the final Dr's appointment to approve his leaving)..he is back working as a waiter and then dropped the bombshell that he was moving out and into a home with a 50 year old man who rents rooms to boys in his house and allows dope to be smoked. My son has changed into the addict and has taken to screaming and swearing at me and other family members. I see glimmers of him on occasion but the rage is scary. Just yesterday he asked me to take some items that he left in my home to him. I used the opportunity to take EVERYTHING he had left ie clothes, toiletries, books etc. He went crazy at me and told me in front of my 11 year old and my husband (not his dad) to F off and that I was a piece of *&^% - I ignored him and placed everything out of the car for him to take into his new home. He was screaming "f off, f off" as I drove away. My question is - do I keep messaging him and saying that he is loved (I have often done this and he gets furious on occasion and says I am a toxic B$%tch etc. Other times he will say "thanks Mom") OR do I leave it now and leave him to contact me? Unfortunately my ex husband runs around him and has asked me to support my son financially as he will have only a little income now. I said NO - I will not give him a cent. At the back of my mind is the fear that he then sells drugs to make money BUT I cant enable him and accept that only tough love will provide a chance for him to turn himself around and get clean. Thank you for reading my vent....today I am angry and it is better than the depression that comes over me
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Old 10-04-2019, 07:59 AM
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I think you need to shift your focus from "is it enabling him?" to "is it healthy for me?" It sounds like this whole situation is causing you a lot of stress. Have you been to any meetings? This forum is great, but there's nothing like in-person groups. Work on getting yourself mentally strong. When you are in a good mental health space it will be easier to make decisions about how to handle your relationship with him, how and when to say "no", etc.
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Old 10-04-2019, 10:05 AM
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I agree with HeChoseDrugs. ask yourself if it's healthy for you?

I also just don't think it will help him regardless. My mom has been great with reminding me recently that people abusing drugs don't care about us at all while they are doing it. We wring our hands about how they will feel if we don't show them how much we love them. Meanwhile they don't, can't care at all.

You can give him money but that won't stop him from selling drugs anyway. So there is no point. And he will use your money for drugs. You don't want that on your head.

It's so hard to truly accept that you cannot control their actions, and that nothing you will do is going to change what they do. Meetings are really helpful with this.
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Old 10-04-2019, 12:02 PM
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I understand you wanting him to know that you love him. One thing I had to accept when my son was actively using is that I didn't matter to him. ONLY his drugs mattered. I also understood that I was making excuses for his bad behavior (lying, stealing, etc) that I would NEVER had allowed someone else to get away with. Your son's anger and wrath is unacceptable. Detach and let him find his way. I would try NC and put some time in focusing on your younger child. Good for you for NOT giving money. Your gut is right in this issue.
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Old 10-04-2019, 05:54 PM
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i see you were last here in 2011 - so this son would have been 11 at the time. what has happened in your lives from then til now?
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Old 10-05-2019, 02:46 AM
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I walked away from a relationship in 2011 with an alcoholic. Have since remarried. My son was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder in 2012 (genetic one) and has been under the care of various neurologists, as he grew his peers told him that weed could and would help him with anxiety. Fast forward to today when I find him refusing to believe he has a problem. Weed is legal in our country which makes it even harder to deal with.
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Old 10-05-2019, 02:50 AM
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Trouble is he can be so nice to other people but rages against his family. His father (my ex husband) feels he needs to "love and support" him back to health and assist him with money, lifts etc as he can hardly be put on the street. He wont however have him live with him. I have now put my foot down and said NO... so the rage has been directed to me. I have had no contact with my son since writing this thread.
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Old 10-07-2019, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
Trouble is he can be so nice to other people but rages against his family. His father (my ex husband) feels he needs to "love and support" him back to health and assist him with money, lifts etc as he can hardly be put on the street. He wont however have him live with him. I have now put my foot down and said NO... so the rage has been directed to me. I have had no contact with my son since writing this thread.
I'm so sorry JW123. It hurts to be treated that way by anyone, and must be so much worse when it's your own child that you have loved and nurtured.

Still you are doing the right thing. Where is he living?
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Old 10-09-2019, 02:25 AM
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Hanna, he is living in a neighbouring suburb with the father of one of his friends. His friend now lives overseas. He father who is on his own, rents out rooms to young men. I don't believe there are any rules or discipline.
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Old 10-18-2019, 06:22 AM
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So his father won't let him live with him but gets to tell you how to act and what to do? Nope.

If you take away consequences, it robs an addict of ever reaching out for sobriety. If they have no consequence, they have no reason to do so.

It's so hard. I agree with the posters above. Go to a meeting. Get support outside of your family. Take good care of YOU.

Originally Posted by JW123 View Post
Trouble is he can be so nice to other people but rages against his family. His father (my ex husband) feels he needs to "love and support" him back to health and assist him with money, lifts etc as he can hardly be put on the street. He wont however have him live with him. I have now put my foot down and said NO... so the rage has been directed to me. I have had no contact with my son since writing this thread.
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