Why? Nothing getting better
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Why? Nothing getting better
Update: my AH officially has a new girlfriend. One I might add know me and my kids. Things have been a disaster. He has ghosted us, then when he had to answer he is full of lies and downplaying everythinb. I am being blamed for one daughter not speaking to him and the other who was desperately trying to get any ounce of attention from him that she could. She was upset, he laughed in her face on 3 different occasions. Yesterday she has finally agreed to give him and his new girl some space and was informed by my AH to call first if she wants to see him because he can't guarantee that he won't be drinking.
He says he and the new girl have fun hanging out and she likes everything about him. He was lonely and she fills that void. Since he has started seeing her (she has 2 kids of her own btw, but they don't live with her), he has been awful to his own. Shows up at no sports, doesn't call them, doesn't text unless they initiate it. doesn't pay for anything. He basically lives on cloud 9 while I am here doing damage control and struggling to make ends meet. Then blames me for everything.
My daughter's heart is broken and I don't know what to do because I am also still trying to process all of this. I can't understand why he chooses drinking, partying and girls over family. I finally have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I'm just so aggravated because I left to get away from this chaos, he started promising to change and save our family, but never did any of it and then starts dating. I am beside myself with anger at him. I am trying hard to be everything my kids need but am struggling.
I, and also my kids, are scared he is going to die because of drinking and whatever else he is doing and his health problems. He posts on Facebook that he just wants to be around people who are fun, everyone else is boring. I just don't know this new person. It really feels like I have never known him at all. I guess being a dad is boring and being a husband is boring. But he has basically attached himself to the same thing, a new girl with 2 kids. I just don't understand. I can't wait to get this over with but it won't fix my daughter's pain. It is all so sad. Guess I just needed to vent. This all seems like a bad movie. He amazes me.
He says he and the new girl have fun hanging out and she likes everything about him. He was lonely and she fills that void. Since he has started seeing her (she has 2 kids of her own btw, but they don't live with her), he has been awful to his own. Shows up at no sports, doesn't call them, doesn't text unless they initiate it. doesn't pay for anything. He basically lives on cloud 9 while I am here doing damage control and struggling to make ends meet. Then blames me for everything.
My daughter's heart is broken and I don't know what to do because I am also still trying to process all of this. I can't understand why he chooses drinking, partying and girls over family. I finally have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I'm just so aggravated because I left to get away from this chaos, he started promising to change and save our family, but never did any of it and then starts dating. I am beside myself with anger at him. I am trying hard to be everything my kids need but am struggling.
I, and also my kids, are scared he is going to die because of drinking and whatever else he is doing and his health problems. He posts on Facebook that he just wants to be around people who are fun, everyone else is boring. I just don't know this new person. It really feels like I have never known him at all. I guess being a dad is boring and being a husband is boring. But he has basically attached himself to the same thing, a new girl with 2 kids. I just don't understand. I can't wait to get this over with but it won't fix my daughter's pain. It is all so sad. Guess I just needed to vent. This all seems like a bad movie. He amazes me.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,616
I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.
Nothing gets "better" because he is in active addiction and has decided to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and what he wants to do is drink.
You question why he would do this, well it kind of sounds like alcoholic fun-ville.
- Drink as much as you want whenever you want
- Have responsibility for no one else
- Have no one implying you shouldn't drink all the time
- Oh - you get to drink
He is just doing what alcoholics do. He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking.
He hasn't really stepped in to what he was already in and I hope you really know that. The children she has are not living there, he has zero responsibility for them. She is either his drinking buddy (likely) or just doesn't care if he drinks. This doesn't mean he has all of a sudden become some great partner.
Alcohol allows him to detach from everyone and everything.
I hope you are attending Al-Anon? I don't know how old your children are but attending Alateen might be really helpful for them, if not, is therapy an option?
Nothing gets "better" because he is in active addiction and has decided to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it and what he wants to do is drink.
You question why he would do this, well it kind of sounds like alcoholic fun-ville.
- Drink as much as you want whenever you want
- Have responsibility for no one else
- Have no one implying you shouldn't drink all the time
- Oh - you get to drink
He is just doing what alcoholics do. He is not drinking at you, he's just drinking.
He hasn't really stepped in to what he was already in and I hope you really know that. The children she has are not living there, he has zero responsibility for them. She is either his drinking buddy (likely) or just doesn't care if he drinks. This doesn't mean he has all of a sudden become some great partner.
Alcohol allows him to detach from everyone and everything.
I hope you are attending Al-Anon? I don't know how old your children are but attending Alateen might be really helpful for them, if not, is therapy an option?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you have this going on, sadly is all pretty typical for A's. Run away from responsibility and pick up with a new person who they can lie to and be believed by. Is basic immaturity.
I found Al-anon an enormous help. You might too.
My A dad did all this rubbish with my mum when I was little. Cleared off and took up with a session of other women. Is all about him and his insecurities. Running away from reality. Living in a land of pretence. Myself and my siblings became actors in the theatre play he wrote, stared in and was directing. Was all fake.
I found Al-anon an enormous help. You might too.
My A dad did all this rubbish with my mum when I was little. Cleared off and took up with a session of other women. Is all about him and his insecurities. Running away from reality. Living in a land of pretence. Myself and my siblings became actors in the theatre play he wrote, stared in and was directing. Was all fake.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
He is NOT in another relationship, he just wants to drink and have FUN (meaning, going to places where he can drink freely and with whoever is there to support him on that and wont complain). So, other woman is yet another VICTIM of his irresponsible choices rooted in addiction, and she is either drinking herself OR she doesnt even know of his problem at all (in which case i would honestly feel sorry for her).
Like for example, I got into a longterm relationship with my ex fiance not knowing anything about alcoholism. Thus It took awhile for me to actually SEE through the illusion and grasp what the actual problem was. And then, when I told him about it, he rejected me after already marriage date being set up!!!!!!! And there was even no other women in the picture. So go figure.
What im sayin, They dont need much to make a 180degrees turnaround. This is what i figured. And it doesnt matter whether its another woman, a simple party or a longterm friend they suddenly ‘cant live without’. It ALL has one purpose only- to cover the real ISSUE and distract them from getting the help they need as anyone who is seriously ILL.
Please see him as an individual who has an actual disease which is affecting his BRAIN and thus he cant be counted on. And so, dont take it personally! I know it sucks, I have been there, but it is getting better once we know what we are dealing with and once we act accordingly!
Also, i would explain the situation to your daughters too, so that they know why NOT TO EXPECT anything basically, from someone so broken and self-abusive (first and foremost).
Please take care of yourself! We are here for support!
Like for example, I got into a longterm relationship with my ex fiance not knowing anything about alcoholism. Thus It took awhile for me to actually SEE through the illusion and grasp what the actual problem was. And then, when I told him about it, he rejected me after already marriage date being set up!!!!!!! And there was even no other women in the picture. So go figure.
What im sayin, They dont need much to make a 180degrees turnaround. This is what i figured. And it doesnt matter whether its another woman, a simple party or a longterm friend they suddenly ‘cant live without’. It ALL has one purpose only- to cover the real ISSUE and distract them from getting the help they need as anyone who is seriously ILL.
Please see him as an individual who has an actual disease which is affecting his BRAIN and thus he cant be counted on. And so, dont take it personally! I know it sucks, I have been there, but it is getting better once we know what we are dealing with and once we act accordingly!
Also, i would explain the situation to your daughters too, so that they know why NOT TO EXPECT anything basically, from someone so broken and self-abusive (first and foremost).
Please take care of yourself! We are here for support!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Healingbegins…….building on what SparkleKitty just said....in regard to support for your teen daughters....I think that would be a very important thing for you to arrange for. They are at such pivotal age, right now....
And, Sparkle is right...it is too much for you to handle all by yourself....
In the past, I have suggested that you study the material from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families" . Both you and your children have been raised by alcoholic fathers...so, the material would apply to both you and your children.
It has been suggested that you read "Co-dependent No More"...which will help you gain perspective in terms of your own feelings....
Throughout your threads, you seem to struggle with guilt and Self-Doubt...like an anchor weighting you down....
If there was ever a time to circle your wagons of support...it would be now!
You will need every bit of support you can get.....from the readings and face to face support, also.
Of course, alanon and/or ACOA for yourself and alateen and therapy for your daughters are at baseline.
Specifically....it seems that your husband seem to spew such verbal swill at you, all the time. You will need to stop believing him....stop listening to him....and start trusting yourself...
One of the first ways to begin that is to learn to Detach yourself from him, mentally.
Rule 1. Cut down your interactions and discussions with him as much as humanly possible, considering you do have minor children with him.
Rule 2. When you do Have to talk to him....keep it about the children's welfare only...and do not engage in long discussions with him about yourself...…
Above all....Do Not JADE. J--justify. A-argue. D-defend. E-explain.
This removes much of his opportunity to tear you down and trigger your "guilt trips"....
Rule 3. Give up the fantasy that he is going to become the kind of parent that you want him to be. It is not going to happen, as he is just too messed up to do so....and, no amount of pressure from you to do so will cause it to happen.
You can't change him and you can't fix him...no matter how badly you want to.
Much of therapy for you and your daughters will be to accept the reality that he is who he is.
Life can become sooo much better for you and your daughters...and, remember that you have been separated from him for a very short time....
I believe that the main factor for you is navigating this difficult time will be how much you are willing to reach out for help and how strongly you follow and cling to that help....
I hope you will continue to post and read, on this forum....there is a world of help and experience, here.....The more you engage, the more it will help....
And, Sparkle is right...it is too much for you to handle all by yourself....
In the past, I have suggested that you study the material from the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics (and dysfunctional families" . Both you and your children have been raised by alcoholic fathers...so, the material would apply to both you and your children.
It has been suggested that you read "Co-dependent No More"...which will help you gain perspective in terms of your own feelings....
Throughout your threads, you seem to struggle with guilt and Self-Doubt...like an anchor weighting you down....
If there was ever a time to circle your wagons of support...it would be now!
You will need every bit of support you can get.....from the readings and face to face support, also.
Of course, alanon and/or ACOA for yourself and alateen and therapy for your daughters are at baseline.
Specifically....it seems that your husband seem to spew such verbal swill at you, all the time. You will need to stop believing him....stop listening to him....and start trusting yourself...
One of the first ways to begin that is to learn to Detach yourself from him, mentally.
Rule 1. Cut down your interactions and discussions with him as much as humanly possible, considering you do have minor children with him.
Rule 2. When you do Have to talk to him....keep it about the children's welfare only...and do not engage in long discussions with him about yourself...…
Above all....Do Not JADE. J--justify. A-argue. D-defend. E-explain.
This removes much of his opportunity to tear you down and trigger your "guilt trips"....
Rule 3. Give up the fantasy that he is going to become the kind of parent that you want him to be. It is not going to happen, as he is just too messed up to do so....and, no amount of pressure from you to do so will cause it to happen.
You can't change him and you can't fix him...no matter how badly you want to.
Much of therapy for you and your daughters will be to accept the reality that he is who he is.
Life can become sooo much better for you and your daughters...and, remember that you have been separated from him for a very short time....
I believe that the main factor for you is navigating this difficult time will be how much you are willing to reach out for help and how strongly you follow and cling to that help....
I hope you will continue to post and read, on this forum....there is a world of help and experience, here.....The more you engage, the more it will help....
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Healingbegins,
I sorry for you sadness and the sadness of your daughters. None of you should have to be in this bad movie. I know it hurts to see him treat you and your daughters like you don't matter. I want to let you know that you all matter. He made promises to get better. More lies to try and keep you on the hook with his drinking. To give you hope. It's what we all hope for when they say this. Unless they get help it most likely wont happen.
Him wanting only fun people in his life is his way of distancing himself from all responsibility. He only cares about getting alcohol and the people that agree with his alcoholic habit. Everting else is the bad guy in the movie that is playing in his brain. Until he see what alcohol is causing it wont change. Most likely it will get worse. I'm sorry.
He's not replacing you and your kids with a GF with 2 kids. He knows he has no responsibility to the GF kids and the GF doesn't care about his drinking. So to him he's on cloud 9 where he can drink and not care about a thing in the world.
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer soon. You need to protect yourself and your kids. You guys are the only thing that matters. I would also suggest you try and attend an AL-Anon meeting. It will help you deal with all of this.
You are a great mom to your daughters.
You are being there for them. That is what they need. Keep being strong for them. Focus on them and yourself. It's time to walk out of this bad movie and go the Beach. Have a great day and try and do something fun with your daughters to get your mind off all this sadness.
I sorry for you sadness and the sadness of your daughters. None of you should have to be in this bad movie. I know it hurts to see him treat you and your daughters like you don't matter. I want to let you know that you all matter. He made promises to get better. More lies to try and keep you on the hook with his drinking. To give you hope. It's what we all hope for when they say this. Unless they get help it most likely wont happen.
Him wanting only fun people in his life is his way of distancing himself from all responsibility. He only cares about getting alcohol and the people that agree with his alcoholic habit. Everting else is the bad guy in the movie that is playing in his brain. Until he see what alcohol is causing it wont change. Most likely it will get worse. I'm sorry.
He's not replacing you and your kids with a GF with 2 kids. He knows he has no responsibility to the GF kids and the GF doesn't care about his drinking. So to him he's on cloud 9 where he can drink and not care about a thing in the world.
I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer soon. You need to protect yourself and your kids. You guys are the only thing that matters. I would also suggest you try and attend an AL-Anon meeting. It will help you deal with all of this.
You are a great mom to your daughters.
You are being there for them. That is what they need. Keep being strong for them. Focus on them and yourself. It's time to walk out of this bad movie and go the Beach. Have a great day and try and do something fun with your daughters to get your mind off all this sadness.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Healingbegins 
. I guess being a dad is boring and being a husband is boring. .
adulting?? what kind of practicing alcoholic wants to do THAT!?!?!
truly sorry for what youre going through but glad i read the focus on how its effecting your daughters.
ya mentioned he amazes you.
an alcoholic can create a crapton of amazement on their way down the scale of alcoholism and insanity.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
He posts on Facebook that he just wants to be around people who are fun, everyone else is boring. I just don't know this new person.
It's hard to realize that loving someone doesn't give them a free pass to treat them like dirt. You don't want your children to stay around in a relationship with a partner that doesn't respect them. Unfortunately, they're going to have to learn this with their own father, but the fault for that lays on him alone. Not you. Not them.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Thank you everyone for your words of advice. Today was a particularly hard day. I'm still just sitting here exhausted from it all. I'm trying hard to stay positive. I did find some meetings close. Mine in Tuesday's and theirs on thursdays. I have support but starting to feel a little isolated because no one else I know has these problems. And in this town the only thing people do to meet other people is go to bars. I'm hoping these meetings will help.
His Dr called me today with bad news on bloodwork also. I'm thinking it's a matter of time before his next cardiac episode. I'm sad for losing all of these years and I'm so sad for my kids. I started out so hopeful and now I feel like I'm treading water. It can't get much worse right? Just have to weather this storm. I don't know how people survive worse. I'm drained. Thank you all for listening.
His Dr called me today with bad news on bloodwork also. I'm thinking it's a matter of time before his next cardiac episode. I'm sad for losing all of these years and I'm so sad for my kids. I started out so hopeful and now I feel like I'm treading water. It can't get much worse right? Just have to weather this storm. I don't know how people survive worse. I'm drained. Thank you all for listening.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Healing you are walking one hell of a path right now on so many fronts. I'm glad you are going to a meeting and glad your kids are too. Just reading about how their Dad treats them pisses me off and I don't even know you all. I know this is what alcoholics do.
Please take care of your beautiful self and those kids. I hope you meet some good folks at the meetings.
Please take care of your beautiful self and those kids. I hope you meet some good folks at the meetings.
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