He's back in NA
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
He's back in NA
Thank you for all the support at the weekend ☺
I'm still sure in my heart that I have to work towards being able to support myself financially so I have a safety net there but husband and I are back where we usually are after a blow up. We're barely speaking other than to be polite, but he is grovelling lots.
His parents travelled up to see us on Monday to give him a talking to, and since Friday he's been to a meeting every evening. I need him to be well for his children but I just don't have any faith he can do sober long term. He seems to be fine for 6 or 8 months, then slips up for a couple of months.
It's all the false hope that gets me down. Can anyone else relate?
I'm still sure in my heart that I have to work towards being able to support myself financially so I have a safety net there but husband and I are back where we usually are after a blow up. We're barely speaking other than to be polite, but he is grovelling lots.
His parents travelled up to see us on Monday to give him a talking to, and since Friday he's been to a meeting every evening. I need him to be well for his children but I just don't have any faith he can do sober long term. He seems to be fine for 6 or 8 months, then slips up for a couple of months.
It's all the false hope that gets me down. Can anyone else relate?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It is good he is back at NA, many who make it take several starts before they hang on for good. And...sadly, some like my son are in and out of the revolving door of recovery/sobriety/relapse for most of their life.
We never know how it will be with our loved one.
After wearing myself out trying to save my son, after too many disappointments when I expected what he did not have go give, after finding myself getting worse over time, just like he did...I had to let go and learn to take care of myself and let him make his own decisions in life, however poor those decisions may be.
Meetings helped me find a better path and surrounded me with support when times were difficult. And reading books like "Codependent No More" and coming here to SR.
My best suggestion is to just focus on you and your own recovery and find your balance again. When you are ready, you will be able to make good decisions and whether you stay or leave, you will have your safety net in place.
Hugs out for you, and prayers too. It's a long hard journey but you don't have to walk it alone.
We never know how it will be with our loved one.
After wearing myself out trying to save my son, after too many disappointments when I expected what he did not have go give, after finding myself getting worse over time, just like he did...I had to let go and learn to take care of myself and let him make his own decisions in life, however poor those decisions may be.
Meetings helped me find a better path and surrounded me with support when times were difficult. And reading books like "Codependent No More" and coming here to SR.
My best suggestion is to just focus on you and your own recovery and find your balance again. When you are ready, you will be able to make good decisions and whether you stay or leave, you will have your safety net in place.
Hugs out for you, and prayers too. It's a long hard journey but you don't have to walk it alone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Yes, you might find Codependent no more really valuable for working on boundaries.
As for false hope, well that's also something that perhaps you can work on? Perhaps letting go of some of your expectations? There is a history here of relapsing back in to active addiction and that is perhaps a more realistic expectation, or no expectations at all.
How you deal with that, so you aren't devastated each time is perhaps a better focus than focusing on him (Al-Anon and Codependent no more can give you tools to help with detaching from his alcoholism).
Also, regularly going back in to addictive drinking is not actually a "slip up", if he drank some alcohol by mistake or ate something someone had cooked with wine - those are honest mistakes. He is purposefully drinking every few months - that's just addiction.
As for false hope, well that's also something that perhaps you can work on? Perhaps letting go of some of your expectations? There is a history here of relapsing back in to active addiction and that is perhaps a more realistic expectation, or no expectations at all.
How you deal with that, so you aren't devastated each time is perhaps a better focus than focusing on him (Al-Anon and Codependent no more can give you tools to help with detaching from his alcoholism).
Also, regularly going back in to addictive drinking is not actually a "slip up", if he drank some alcohol by mistake or ate something someone had cooked with wine - those are honest mistakes. He is purposefully drinking every few months - that's just addiction.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so how did that work out LAST time he was "going" to meetings?
he's been to what 4 meetings? fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, weds - sorry SIX meetings. let's see how this holds up in a year from now. will he have continued to attend meetings and stay sober without relapse for 359 days? that would be a sign.........maybe.
he's been to what 4 meetings? fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, weds - sorry SIX meetings. let's see how this holds up in a year from now. will he have continued to attend meetings and stay sober without relapse for 359 days? that would be a sign.........maybe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
so how did that work out LAST time he was "going" to meetings?
he's been to what 4 meetings? fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, weds - sorry SIX meetings. let's see how this holds up in a year from now. will he have continued to attend meetings and stay sober without relapse for 359 days? that would be a sign.........maybe.
he's been to what 4 meetings? fri, sat, sun, mon, tues, weds - sorry SIX meetings. let's see how this holds up in a year from now. will he have continued to attend meetings and stay sober without relapse for 359 days? that would be a sign.........maybe.
Thank you everyone x
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