hpdw

Dear freinds on wed Fri 20 Sep I went out for a drink .
I am posting this as I think it's important to regognise the signs .
I have heard many times on here the term fell off the wagon well in my case I knew it was coming for weeks . I knew by my language around outherd drinking " Oh I your lucky I wish it was me etc " just small statements . IT WAS THEN than I should have posted here or called some old AA buddys .
My drinking session consisted of 4 pints (I got the bus to Edinburgh ) .
After 4 pints for some reason I became frightened and wanted home like a lost little boy and I did go home but at the bus stop there is a store where I bought 4 x 440ml beers and a 35cl ( we call it a half bottke in UK ) of vodka . So at home ( and my wife and son were OK with me at this point . I downed the 4 beers and half the vodka and all was sort of OK but I fely quite cheeky and snapy with the family which is unlike me . Night went on I went to bed , woke at 3 am and that horrible realisation hit me and within 1 minte the insanity of alcoholism had me drinking the remainder of the vodak AT 3 in the morning .
Move forward to 10 am ( licencing openeing time in UK ) I said to my wife I was going for a hair cut ..... LIES ................ The obsesion and compulsion for more alcohol had a firm grip on me AFTER ONE DAY I WAS IN THE HELL HOLE OF ALCOHOLISM IN ACTION .

Now here is the good bit ,the sad bit , the funny bit . Both my wife and son locked me in and hid my wallet ( they planned it beforehand)and any alcohol that was in the place my wife keeps a bit ( after 15 months she was able to leave stuff lying around plus my son removed his beers from the fridge . The realisation I was getting NO MORE alcohol caused mixed feelings . I was scared ,in shock , angry but a strage feeling came through which was a feeling of calm . I knew there was no way I was getting out the door so ACCEPTANCE took over and by 2 pm I began to feel better . My physical symptoms werent bad . I made a discovery after all these years .............It was ALL mental , the drive for more alocohol wansn't due to physical ( not after a relatively moderate binge for one day ) IT WAS IN MY HEAD , my mind wanted more , this is is how it works and its taken me 63 years to discover this .
By 7 PM I was as right as rain as they say , we bought a take away meal and talked about the whole situation how all I had was what they get after drinking , a hangover but except in my case there is something different in my head which I dont think there will ever be an answer, I WANT to go for more alcohol . Its called alcoholism but I believe there is something else at play with ALL addics and I am not going into what It could be .
I was so greatful to be locked in that day and the knowlege that all those years if I had just stuck it out a few hours to evening I would have saved myself and othes so much pain .

Thanks for reading .

Dee74

I'm sorry you foreplanned it and weren't able to reach out here for help when you posted a few days before that hpdw -but you're very lucky to have a loving family willing to be that proactive to help save you.

I'm glad you're back

D

Kaily

Interesting post. Thank you.

I am pleased that your wife and son acted so quickly and your relapse was nipped in the bud. Obviously this wouldn't work for everyone.

When I was actively drinking that 3 am thing was a regular occurrence. I would literally ping awake, feel rubbish yet excitement that I could start drinking again. Another nap around 6 am another drink around 8 and on it went... Funny how easily we forget how relentless it is.

Stay vigilant hpdw.

hpdw

Thanks Dee ,Kaily . As they say in AA alcohol is cunning powerful and BAFFLING .
I mean why on Gods earth would I sit on the side of my bed at 3am drinking vodka . But there you go thats the illness working its craziness .

My family KNEW I would want the store next day ,they know my history and done this out of love to protect me ( and them as we all suffer )

As you say Dee I posted only a short time prior to this relapse . I am not going to start the blame game but life has ben tough as of late ,very tough , son back in jail , daughter marraige haning by a thread ,nasty arguments ,poison texts with inlaws .

Yesterday my phychiatrist put me on pregabelin and is weaning me off my small dose of diazepam (6mg per day ) . My goodness I couldt move from my chair yesterday but had the best sleep ive had in a while and feel much better today . Got 3 keys to get cut so off to the hardware store soon .

Thanks

DriGuy

I remember waking up at 3:00AM drunk, finishing a quart bottle of whisky, and at the same realizing I had reached another low point in my spiral. And my mind wanted more. It was one of many straws that made me realize how serious my problem was becoming.

I am so sorry you gave up. Like me your drinking did feel like it was in your head, but from my reading, it's may not be as mental as that. Alcohol changes your body chemistry, and it's easier for you body to break down than sugar. Your physiology changes to accommodate alcohol, and it wants it. I'm speculating from here on, but I think your brain recognizes that physical hunger in your system and eventually makes it a conscious desire.

Whether my speculation is accurate or not, the cure is to stop feeding your body alcohol, and get it back to assimilating the natural sugars found in most foods. Falling off the wagon is like sending your body a notice that ALCOHOL IS BACK, and the mental cravings return. As you keep drinking during your lifetime, your organs and cellular structure throughout your body continue to change in ways that will make you very unhealthy and possibly even die. I actually know a woman who died from such deterioration of her body.

All this aside, I hope you can find the strength to avoid giving in. If you remain alcohol free, you will eventually not need strength because you just won't want to drink. And this is not a speculation. Most here have experienced that same phenomenon, and can assure you that it happened to them.

NewOne

I know it must have been a trying experience, but that actually made me smile reading that. You have a nice family! And yeah I think it must start in the mind (although DriGuy's post sounds very possible as well). I still find the disorder mysterious, that we can see ourselves going under, and still give in to it. It's almost like a self destruct mode, when our rational self knows it's never worth it. Still I'm glad you're here safe!

D122y

Good story that may save someone's life, me too.

I drank for every occasion. When my mom was dying, I flew in and had my sister waiting for me with a bottle of tequila. That was after a 2 week dry spell.

I had several dry spells that I chalked up to not having a drinking problem.

When I began having gastrointestinal issues, I decided to really give quitting a go. After about 3 months that crave was overwhelming. I found sr. This place saves lives.

After over 4 years of sobriety, my strength and stamina are just recently becoming above average again. I work out 4 to 5 days a week.

But, the crave lingers.

I stay temperant by any means. Now that I know that temperance is a holy virtue, I have more strength in my abstinence from booze, my doc.

I think that is why prayer helps me still so much.

I have said this before here, but it may be helpful for me to repeat.

If I am not being led by my God, I am being led by the other guy. It is a default setting.

The bad guy gets unlimited free shots at me if I lose my way.

His minions lay in wait and they are as patient, as they are evil, as they are intent on destroying everything I find holy. My temperance is very holy to me.

Temperance is my foundation philosophy. I put it on the same lines as not trying to cheat on my wife, or abuse my son.

For me, not drinking is growing up. I want to drink on a certain level, but the rational adult in my knows all the bad things that will happen eventually.

I might get away with it 1000 more times, well into my 60s. But, at some point, slowly, or immediately, something horrible will happen and I will be back in a world of drinking caused hell on earth.

Besides, being a drunk is such a bad look. There was nothing cool or enviable about me when I was a drunk.

I looked and acted under the influence of a drug.

That is a pathetic and sick state. The only reason i drank routinely was because i was addicted. I used to rationalize it as other reasons, but that was all an evil lie.

I haven't been very sick since i quit drinking, my energy levels are unprecedented. The only reason for this is not drinking,

It was a learned behavior. It can be unlearned.

Thanks.

hpdw

Very interrsting post DriGuy . My lifelong question is why does this happen ( alcoholism , compulsion ,obsession to almost demand we keep drinking ) and normal or so called heavy drinkers dont ,they work through a hangover and another drink is the last thing the want . I know this subject has been dicussed many many times so sorry for the repetition .

Thank you for your empathy and kindness

hpdw

D122Y its always an education and a pleasure to read your post / reply .

Have a nice day .

Dee74

I'm sorry things have been so tough.
I think there is something in what you say about the mental thing - our addicted self will scream that numbing ourselves is the answer...

but of course it's not the answer...it just adds more and more challenge and strain to the toughness of reality.

D

DriGuy

The question comes up so often because no one knows. Medical science doesn't know. No self help program or guru knows. In this kind of knowledge vacuum, speculation and outright claims have a free environment to fester. If someone actually knew, he could tell the rest of us, and we could stop wondering about it.

At best, we know bits and pieces of how alcohol affects our bodies, but how all this translates into alcoholism and why alcoholism manifests itself in some but not others, remains a mystery for now.

DriGuy

Ouch. This is the humiliating part about alcoholism that still makes me cringe when I remember it. Being seen as "just a drunk" was never the image I was shooting for.

lessgravity

I'm so sorry to hear that you gave in to the desire to drink. What a brutal and sad story that night and following day are - I can completely relate and imagine myself performing the same acts of self-sabotage and pure compulsion.

Thank you for sharing. Hope you stay sober now regardless of the waves that roll in to shore.

Gottalife

Thanks for posting about this HPDW. It amazes me how many folks talk about the signs all being there , but really they only saw them in hindsight. When one is on that track things are not quite so straight forward. You made the comment that you should have called your AA friends, and I suppose that is true. One has to get to the bottom of why one failed to do that.

It is explained in the big book of AA, for alcoholics of my type, the thoughts and actions that should save us from the insanity of the first drink just don't come with enough force to do any good. Memory seems defective, the almost certain adverse consequences don't really come to mind. It is referred to as being without defense against the first drink. It is the defining feature of alcoholism. That is what had me be, the inability to leave it alone no matter how great the wish.

It is suggested in the AA solution that a complete change of personality, or spiritual experience is required to overcome this problem. IME this removed the problem by giving me a different outlook on life such that the drink problem was removed. I no longer had to fight the booze, the drinking just stopped as new conceptions and ideas took over. I got to that point through the steps, and I got to the steps by recognizing the absolute futility of continuing on as I was.

Don't be too hard on yourself, often a relapse such as this is an important part of the journey and helps identify the true nature and extent of the problem, and once that is known deep down, it becomes very motivating toward a solution.

snitch

Wow. Thank you for sharing. This is a very powerful post that really shows the true insanity that is alcoholism. I really identified with what you wrote and also another poster who said they would wake at 3am feeling awful but also excited because it meant they could drink again . Yep that was me .

They say relapse happens way before the first drink and I have been experiencing similar thoughts that you shared and when I went to London last friday with my sister the desire to drink was so strong that I really did nearly pick up. My mind was telling me that it would be ok this which is utter bulls#@t!!! Thank God I prayed to my HP and God got in there before my alcoholism.

The doctors opinion in the Big Book is the only reliable diagnosis I need. I suffer from a physical allergy to alcohol which means if I put any alcohol in my body I set off the phenomen of craving and I will want more and more and more. I treat this by not taking the first drink. However, as you said, my alcoholism centres in my mind. Without alcohol I am restless, irritable and discontent. I treat this with my recovery plan. Prayer, meditation, AA meetings and fellowship, working through the 12 steps , practicing gratitude and helping others.

People can drink heavily but not be alcoholics. I often pondered the question myself as to why etc but the truth is it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I know that I am alcoholic. That I have the dis-ease of alcoholism and I have to stay away from that first drink no matter what. I have to work on my recovery every day and stay vigilant because if I rest on my laurels and become complacent then I am in the danger zone and for me, to drink is to die.

I am really pleased to read that you are now sober and safe. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have helped this alcoholic today.

snitch

Great post Gottalife.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Drinking heavily for an extended period of time (even if it's just binge drinking) causes changes in your brain chemistry and overall physiology that will render you susceptible to the same symptoms if you drink again in the future.

Those symptoms can be withdrawal, an urge to keep drinking longer than you had "planned", lack of appetite while drinking, personality changes while under the influence, anxiety, depression, etc.

At some point, you probably crossed a line where drinking is just plain old bad for your health - worse than for someone that hasn't crossed that line. It's also possible that for some people, there isn't a line. It's also possible that you are far more susceptible to alcoholism for any number of genetic factors, mental health issues, past events in your life, etc.

This isn't really a complete answer. As Driguy said, I don't think there is a complete answer. But these factors have evidence to support them.

BackandScared

From someone who does not use AA, I believe the need for some kind of plan comes precisely from the fact that drinking is always deliberate. It always requires your action.

Even when I was drinking daily I planned to drink hours earlier. I would know how much alcohol was in the house, where to get more, how to hide, when to start. It was never by chance that I found myself gulping a glass of wine.

I imagine that after a long period of sobriety, the thought comes and goes. You fight it. Then it becomes more frequent (rather than less, as you would expect with more sober time) until you feel it is irresistible and despite having resisted it for a long time.

I am sorry you went through it again and happy you have a great support in your family. You know what worked for you before. Go back there.

Primativo

I believe for many of us, and certainly in my case, I hard wired my brain over years of heavy binge drinking, by a reward system where I felt better by drinking the next day to alleviate my hangover symptoms. The hangover symptoms and subsequent hair of the dog progressed to an extent where I was drinking in the mornings to feel better and eventually went on 10 day sprees / binges where I was unable to stop drinking for every waking hour. I certainly became dependent on alcohol to do everyday normal things.

I was never a drinker where I would have one drink and then be unable to stop no matter what. I often did drink to black out, but I could just have a couple occasionally too but this was a red herring.

Regardless, I do accept I am an alcoholic of a type and for me to have a normal healthy life, I cannot drink.

I no longer care about the why. It happened. It is what it is.

Tetrax

My current strategy when dealing with drinking thoughts - 'cause make no mistake I do have them - is just to gently remind myself that I'll change my mind (from how drinking might be a reasonable option) somewhere down the road, so it's probably not a good idea to act on them. And then sure enough my mind is changed somewhere down the road, and I am grateful that I didn't act on those thoughts. It's probably in the same vein as 'This too shall pass', it's just me reflecting on my very differing mindsets throughout the days, weeks and months of relatively early sobriety. I guess ultimately it's about being mindful: yes I have these thoughts, no I don't have to act on them.