BackandScared

What would you do?

My husband has a very good friend. They were very close before I met him. They have remained very close and over the years she has become a very good friend for me too. We don't live in the same countries but share profession. Because of this and childcare duties, it is normal we meet with her separately although she has stayed with us many times.

A few weeks ago she came to visit us, but I was on a business trip. I am going to her city in a couple of weeks. I have discovered by chance that my husband has shared with her my problems with alcohol.

I haven't told anybody why I am not drinking. I feel too much shame. Only my husband, who knows I am not ready to say more. I feel very uncomfortable now. I will meet this woman who knows it all and I feel 'forced' to explain instead of giving whatever excuse not to drink the 2 nights we will be together. I know I will have to make these statements sooner or later and have openly said to my kids, mother and parents in law I have quit drinking without further explanation.

One part of me feels betrayed by my husband. Another part understands, he has every right to share whatever he wishes with his friend. He has also been betrayed by me. I have hidden and lied about my drinking for years.

Not sure what I am asking for here. Just trying to get my head around this without getting angry with my husband.

Soturi

I don't think your husband betrayed you so much as he confided in a friend. Perhaps you're a little frustrated; could he have spoken with you first before telling his friend about something you feel is a private matter? Sure. So, rather than be angry, simply communicate with him. Tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Give him a chance to explain.
Just don't communicate with that AV. It has nothing new or interesting to say. Besides, you've moved on.

lessgravity

While I'm sorry this happened to you I think your husband was justified in sharing how he feels. In fact the very same thing happened to me with my wife and my sister-in-law. I felt upset, exposed, betrayed and angry - all feelings that I was projecting on my wife rather than accepting as results of my own actions. If your husband is like my wife, he has suffered pain, hurt and confusion because of your relationship to alcohol. The best thing you can do is work so that in the future when this friend of his asks how you are doing he has nothing but positive things to say.

LostLilly

doggonecarl

You may feel forced, but you don't have to explain anything, nor make excuses as to why you aren't drinking. You just don't have to drink.

And she may not bring up what your husband shared in confidence.

Should she ask about your problem, that's a different matter. Sharing with someone whose "in the know" so to speak, could be beneficial. The more support you have, the better. Your husband sought out the support he felt he needed. If it's offered to you, think about taking it.

And try not to be angry at your husband. Anger leads to resentment and resentments are recovery killers.

DriGuy

We can't control what our spouses say about our relationship. But I see an opportunity to work on your own issue here. I understand the shame and guilt. But you are not alone in that desert. What you can do is lead your own life. Shame and guilt aside you can decide what you disclose to anyone or how you explain what you are doing, or whether you explain anything at all.

The other person may understand or may not. Disclosing anything, even your side of the story is your choice. I can't remember from previous posts what your shame and guilt centers around. I don't want to know either. I just see an opportunity for you to take charge of your affairs, own them, and fix them. After that, just let the cards fall where they may, but don't get in the way of your own destiny because you are worried about what others are going to think or do.

BackandScared

Thank you all for the very wise words. You are all right. The shame is mine and not my husband's. We can always read things in a positive or negative light. He totally deserves the possibility of trusting a friend who has always been by his side (and mine; she is the most loyal friend ever).

I know she will not bring it up. I feel I should confide in her because I have normally trusted her with almost everything. She is one of the few friends I have and you are right doggonecarl, she may be a good source of support.

My shame comes from the many lies and hiding. For drinking while in charge of small children without my husband knowing he was not leaving them with a reliable adult, for the danger they were under even if I was lucky enough for nothing to happen. I am ashamed of being a much worse human being that i have pretended (and believed myself) to be.

I guess it is obvious that I should stop pretending then.

Many thanks

lessgravity

The only thing I would caution against in this way of thinking is allowing your shame/regret/pain to become an excuse to pick up again. I say this, again, from experience. It is one thing to acknowledge how we have failed and betrayed ourselves and then to use that acknowledgment to drive us to stay sober - it's quite another thing to have that same set of feeling drag us down and give us cause to throw up our hands and give in again to the booze.

Good for you for being strong and accepting all these things. Keep moving, things will just keep getting better.

Sapph21

Hi BackandScared this is a great post and I’m glad you asked it...I suspect these things as well about my husband with various friends and relatives since sobering up, and I’m almost too afraid to ask him if so and so knows, etc...that’s my own hangup, yes, but it is important to retain a certain amount of trust in order to rebuild in recovery. I’m trying to just concentrate on myself and my own recovery in such a way as to enforce in myself, that he told whomever he felt he needed to confide in at the time, and I have somewhat (I’m not a doormat now, I’ll never completely give in;p) waived the right to tell him how to deal with my defects. Sounds like this is a good friend for both of you, and perhaps it’s doubtful you’ll receive a negative reaction from her? I agree with Carl and think we just need to adjust our perceptions and slights maybe in this case to reframe it into a positive in your mind that she knows. It’s another support in your corner. That being said, I’d more than drop the hint to hubs that it’s a private matter and that you’d prefer he kept it that way, or to seek professional consult if he feels he needs it to wrap his head around the situation in a better way.
Right there with you, every step of the way!

ColoradoRocky

I'm trying to picture this situation. You have a friend whom you've know as long as you've known your husband. She's been a friend to your husband even longer. You're at dinner or whatever and when it comes time for drinks. You say,

"I can't drink anymore; I quit; I'm an alcoholic."

What's the big deal? You think she didn't know something was up long before your husband said something? Press Secretaries and alcoholics love to try to control the flow of information. Come on now. For all you know she might jump over the table and give you a big hug, figuratively or literally. Maybe not, whatever.

What's the big deal? Yeah it was a bit of a leap of faith, but I told one of my friends about one month in. We were in the middle of the town square, on the sidewalk. She grabbed me by the arm, spun me around, and gave me a big hug. She had tears in her eyes.

So what? You say, "I'm an alcoholic; I quit drinking."

Now the goofball stuff is over. Does she know her husband told me? Does he know she isn't telling me? Did he tell her that I told him? Should I tell her that he told me? Does he think I don't know that she knows that I know?

SoberRican

Hello and please dont be salty towards your husband. We created this mess feel me. It goes with the territory. That being said just plug forward if subject comes up. Say what you got to say and redirect the conversation unless of course you do want to discuss it which I feel for me personally I like to put my cards on the table because now I talk about the recovery part . discuss that if need be. Never know they might use your advice to help someone else that you are not worried about that has a problem so basically you are teaching your friend

dpac414

Hey BackandScared,

Nothing I can really say that everyone else hasn't, but I do know that shame thrives in isolation. Like a fungus growing in a dark, wet cave. It might be nice to shine some sunlight in there.

BackandScared

Sapph21, Thank you for that hug (the emoji and the one implied in your words).
Lessgravity, thank you for the warning too. I may be early in terms of sobriety time but I have learnt fast that we should take warnings from others about triggers/excuses to drink in the near future seriously. I am looking into the advice provided and I can see the main feature characterising my drinking is still present and therefore dangerous. I keep 'pretending'.

I know it is difficult to believe Colorado. I have traveled with this friend. We have slept in the same hotel room several times, lived several days under the same roof. But I am sure she didn't know. I have hidden my drinking effectively. I cannot really understand how I managed to be so drunk and 'normal' at the same time. My theory is that I am incredibly disciplined and I kept everything happening according to plan, even when I could not even remember doing it the day after. I would wake up to a perfectly clean kitchen, clothes folded away, bottle of wine well-hidden, etc. And I could not remember any of it many times.

I will not get 'salty' (did not know that expression) SoberRican. I am very happy I posted here. It is helping me well beyond the immediate need of knowing how to react towards my husband.

Big virtual hug to you all.

BackandScared

That's a good metaphor in line with other interventions. It is time to add a bit of sunshine to my sobriety plan.

Anna

I understand your feelings about your husband talking about your alcoholism with a mutual friend. I think, in very early recovery, it was important to me to have some control in my life because I felt out of control. And, it was important to me that I kept my alcoholism to myself. However, as others have pointed out, this friend may already have known or suspected, and she may be someone you can lean on for support.

Callas

It is highly unlikely if not totally impossible that people around you did not pick up on your problem with alcohol. The point is that you need not be ashamed but in fact proud. You have a problem, you have done something about it. Many cannot say that whatever their problems/issues/defects may be.

fini

"I will meet this woman who knows it all and I feel 'forced' to explain instead of giving whatever excuse not to drink the 2 nights we will be together. "

to me, i see this as freedom now. an "imposed" freedom, but freedom nevertheless. what relief! you can be the real you with her now. you have a good chance to deepen this friendship.

maybe consider just bringing it up when you see her and "phew, so relieved and embarrassed he told you..." and take it or leave it from there.

fini

"It is highly unlikely if not totally impossible that people around you did not pick up on your problem with alcohol. "
quite possible, Callas.
when i sobered up, i first had to tell folks i was an alcoholic. nobody knew. i had made sure of it.

gypsytears

My husband has confided in his lifelong friends. Do I feel betrayed or embarrassed? No. Honestly it’s been helpful since they know about my struggles, they make sure to offer me non alcohol beverages. I don’t feel self conscious and no one has pried. It’s quite freeing actually.

SoberRican

Salty means like bitter towards someone. In slang terms.lol