10 months
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
10 months
Hello, I’m at 10 months. It’s been hard. I am in the middle of dealing with my 3rd dui. I got 3 in 3.5 years. I started drinking in quite an alcoholic fashion 7 months before my 1st. my second was close behind, I spiraled after my 1st rather then getting things together. I never thought I’d get a 3rd. A relapse and blackout proved me wrong and I wound up with a dui I cannot remember right by my house. No one was hurt other then my life emotionally, mentally, financially, and so on. I’m struggling with finding energy and joy right now. I had many goals but did almost nothing other then get the kids off to school, make dinner, and am going to an AA meeting tonight. Lots of regret about time missed with my kids during their very formidable teen and tween years. I have one child with mental problems I am sure I contributed to. With restricted driving hours, probation, random testing, breathalyzer, court monitoring, AA meetings, I feel so trapped and busy with this stuff. I also lack energy. I feel so exhausted way too much of the time. I’m anxious about everything from my kids lives to how people perceive me to what I have done in the past. It’s hard to find people with my dui history and are serious recovery while in the midst of it all. I know alcohol is problematic and doesn’t work for me. Unfortunately I feel neither does my brain. I feel depressed. Yes, I have spoked to a Dr. I have a long history of treatment resistant anxiety disorders. I am just in a rut, though sober. I am working through the steps and have 5 left. I just can’t believe I have 3 dui’s. I don’t think i’ve come to terms with it. Getting them goes against all my beliefs and personal behavioral standards. I cannot forgive myself though I try. I feel blemished and bad. I didn’t even drink and drive much, When I did I was way too out of it for rational decision making and my BAC’s prove that. I have so much anxiety and few working coping mechanism. My self esteem is not existent. I am merely existing right now. Thanks for any feedback or suggestions. Please, I don’t need more beating up about the dui’s. I know it was utterly unacceptable and wrong. I mentally beat myself up for them almost all of my waking hours and they haunt me even while sleeping via dreams as crazy as that sounds.
Last edited by LostLilly; 09-30-2019 at 04:43 PM. Reason: Posted without ending sentence, missing words
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Regrets and embarrassments can be excruciating, I know, and it can take a long time to start coming to terms with them; I know: occasionally I still scream out loud!
For me, the best revenge, the best amends, for the past is to not drink and make a good life now.
For me, the best revenge, the best amends, for the past is to not drink and make a good life now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi Lilly
I'm sorry you're so low - I think you're beating yourself up enough over DUIs and what have you without any of us adding to that
I know you've seen a Dr but have you considering seeing a counsellor or therapist about your inability to forgive yourself?
I made many bad decisions when I was drinking and drugging but, while I accept responsisbility for them, theres no need to punish myself over and over for them.
I was sick and not in my right mind then. I'm not now...and I can look back and see how far I've come.
When I feel a little flat I try and do normal things - get outside as much as I can eat right, get a little exercise and I post here trying to help others. I used to do a ;little volunteering too but don't seem to have the time these days.
Generally things that make me feel worthwhile....thinks that remind me that this is the real me, and I deserve all the good things everyone has and perhaps takes for granted
Congrats on 10 months - that is a great achievement
D
I'm sorry you're so low - I think you're beating yourself up enough over DUIs and what have you without any of us adding to that
I know you've seen a Dr but have you considering seeing a counsellor or therapist about your inability to forgive yourself?
I made many bad decisions when I was drinking and drugging but, while I accept responsisbility for them, theres no need to punish myself over and over for them.
I was sick and not in my right mind then. I'm not now...and I can look back and see how far I've come.
When I feel a little flat I try and do normal things - get outside as much as I can eat right, get a little exercise and I post here trying to help others. I used to do a ;little volunteering too but don't seem to have the time these days.
Generally things that make me feel worthwhile....thinks that remind me that this is the real me, and I deserve all the good things everyone has and perhaps takes for granted
Congrats on 10 months - that is a great achievement
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 70
I think you are doing great Lost Lilly. Staying sober for 10 months is a wonderful accomplishment and the only goal right now that matters. Hopefully a time will come when all of the legal troubles are behind you and you can focus on your goals. Forgiveness takes time but you will get there. None of us can undo our past but you are giving your children the best present and future that you can.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
LostLilly,
congratulations on 10 months, hanging in there, doing stepwork, looking after yourself and your kids as best you can.
i was lucky not to get a dui or have an accident, but the time i had driven drunk for a few hours “joyriding” with a friend after a rare evening at various bars (i usually drank only at home, by myself) weighed heavily on me.
i expect when you get to amends you will take care of any harm you caused others with the dui’s.
in my case, i felt that i harmed “society in general” and so much could have gone so terribly wrong. i felt a dire need to make concrete amends, not “just” living soberly. i hit upon the idea of making a sizeable donation (enough so it hurt) to MADD and to send it in along with a letter explaining why i was doing it and what i had done and how i was changing my life.
that helped me tremendously with feeling cleaner about it all, and free.
don’t know if there is something similar that might be helpful to you but thought i’d put it out there in case it sparks something.
no surprise you are exhausted; you have a lot on your plate and are trudging through. keep going on the step stuff and you will know that the 9th step promises are not idle ones.
congratulations on 10 months, hanging in there, doing stepwork, looking after yourself and your kids as best you can.
i was lucky not to get a dui or have an accident, but the time i had driven drunk for a few hours “joyriding” with a friend after a rare evening at various bars (i usually drank only at home, by myself) weighed heavily on me.
i expect when you get to amends you will take care of any harm you caused others with the dui’s.
in my case, i felt that i harmed “society in general” and so much could have gone so terribly wrong. i felt a dire need to make concrete amends, not “just” living soberly. i hit upon the idea of making a sizeable donation (enough so it hurt) to MADD and to send it in along with a letter explaining why i was doing it and what i had done and how i was changing my life.
that helped me tremendously with feeling cleaner about it all, and free.
don’t know if there is something similar that might be helpful to you but thought i’d put it out there in case it sparks something.
no surprise you are exhausted; you have a lot on your plate and are trudging through. keep going on the step stuff and you will know that the 9th step promises are not idle ones.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 259
Thank you for your replies! I really appreciate it. I hope that someday this is all behind me and I can look upon it in past tense. Forgiving myself will be a process. I agree Dee that exercise and therapy would help me. Also the suggestion to make amends through donating to an organization like MADD is a good one. It’s getting to the other side of the situation while preserving my sanity and trying to forgive myself that will be a daily challenge.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
The whole blackout dui thing, Jekyll and Hyde, is terrifying. I never blacked out and drove for some reason. But, I did drink and drive more than I care to think about.
I live in a very big city where the only way to get a dui is to crash. Small town living would have surely destroyed me.
Regarding happiness....
It has taken me well over 2 years to begin to develop natural internally created dopamine and endorphins.
They now seem to come on by small things, but even now and for the first several months, the way to really make myself happy was to exercise. Cardio and weights. I was doing grappling, which created the most, but injuries were adding up.
Unfortunately, the way I acted for the last 20 plus years haunts me. Like your duis.
I made my bed and I don't expect people to change just because I changed. From what I can tell, folks around me will never change.
They only see the old me. What makes it worse is the old folks try to influence new people that come into the circle that I was a big fat drunk and can't be trusted.
That is where all the step work helps. I have been to AA, so I get it.
But, as far as finding a way of feeling really good, my new drug is exercise.
My happiness has to come from inside. It has taken a while, but it is getting better and better. Of course my av says it is a reason to drink
Thanks.
I live in a very big city where the only way to get a dui is to crash. Small town living would have surely destroyed me.
Regarding happiness....
It has taken me well over 2 years to begin to develop natural internally created dopamine and endorphins.
They now seem to come on by small things, but even now and for the first several months, the way to really make myself happy was to exercise. Cardio and weights. I was doing grappling, which created the most, but injuries were adding up.
Unfortunately, the way I acted for the last 20 plus years haunts me. Like your duis.
I made my bed and I don't expect people to change just because I changed. From what I can tell, folks around me will never change.
They only see the old me. What makes it worse is the old folks try to influence new people that come into the circle that I was a big fat drunk and can't be trusted.
That is where all the step work helps. I have been to AA, so I get it.
But, as far as finding a way of feeling really good, my new drug is exercise.
My happiness has to come from inside. It has taken a while, but it is getting better and better. Of course my av says it is a reason to drink
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
It takes time, Lilly. I have 2DUI's and I understand all the crappy feelings...like we are just 'existing', not living. But you are- as your post here shows. Meetings is a very good idea- even just for the social bit (and the coffee). Journal writing helps me- plus contributing to different threads every day- for support (vital for me) here at SR.
My last rock bottom saw me being revived 3 times. I will not get a 4th.
Support to you.
My last rock bottom saw me being revived 3 times. I will not get a 4th.
Support to you.
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