woodlandlost

Hi All,

As the title says, I am struggling with Obsessive Thoughts about my EXAW. The dominant thought is:

- Did I do the right thing...to leave?

There is good answer.

If the though or question never goes away does that mean it was the wrong choice? Anyone out there stumbled upon this one?

PerSe

Hi woodlandlost, I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom, but I just want you to know you aren't alone. I also struggle with this big time. I moved out/separated from my stbxah of 20 years this last spring. I think that the excruciating emotional pain of grief can bring on these questions and doubts. It does for me. This is when I try my best to dig underneath all the emotional pain and turmoil and consider the very solid principles upon which my decision to leave was based. This doesn't really help the pain of grief but I am able to again recognize the very real reasons why I did leave. I'm also rereading "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" and it still helps. I wonder if that book might help you too, to be able to see the real reasons through the pain of grief.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

we will often ruminate or get involved in circular thinking when we are uncomfortable or unhappy with our present. not that much different than the former Homecoming King/Football star hearkening back to his days of glory, 35 years ago. it's a mind trick, it takes us from HERE on the map and whisks us back to another time.

only that other time never really existed...at least not if you compare OUR memory with the actual reality. we don't want REALITY, we want what we THOUGHT it was like, HOPED it was like.

wondering if you made the right choice does not in any way influence today....but that magical thinking tells us but WHAT IF...........

movies have been done on this theme. Sliding Doors. What if.... The Family Man. Shadow of the moon (more about time travel) Hell, Trading Spaces! and it can be fun and entertaining and ok to indulge now and then.....but we have to get right back to reality. cuz this is the ONLY outcome we have.

what else is going on in your life TODAY that you'd rather not look at?

woodlandlost

PerSe,

Great book recommendation. Gonna download that audiobook tonight!!

AnvilheadII: thought provoking as always. And ya, for sure, I am struggling with aspects of my behaviour and how I wasn't always a great partner and guilty about that.

trailmix

What makes you think you didn't? What does that circular thinking look like?

No. Not in my opinion. There is something about all of this that is unresolved for you. There are kind of two choices with that kind of ruminating. You can hunt down the answers until you feel settled with the answers you have found or you can steer your mind in another direction. Both choices are kind of the same it's really about which path you prefer.

Do you think that if you had been kinder and gentler and more understanding and didn't yell and accuse and rage that there would have been a different outcome perhaps - or if you did make demands that there would have been a different outcome (somewhat guessing at your behaviour)? I suppose it's possible, however, you have read many stories on this board. The majority of the people here aren't throwing vases at their alcoholic. They are trying to walk on eggshells, help the person get treatment, worrying about them.

The result is inevitably the same (mostly). Why? Because that is the nature of addiction.

Now, if you don't like the way you acted, that's perhaps something you could work on going forward (forward!) because we never actually want to attack those we love.

trailmix

I don't know if you've seen this TedTalk but you might find it interesting:

https://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_...ne?language=en

Nara

Sasha1972

Do you THINK you made the wrong decision to leave, or does it just FEEL awful and so you're (subconsciously) casting around for some reason for the awfulness? ("I feel really bad so I must have done something to bring this about - maybe I should have stayed ..."). We can convince ourselves of all kinds of things that aren't true if we're trying to make sense out of overpowering emotions. BTDT.

dandylion

woodland......I think that if you were to interview 100 people who have suffered through intense grieving after a loss...you would find that almost every one of them have had a period of rumination during the grieving process...
I know that I did.....
finally, I became so exhausted with ruminating, that I was able to move on to another phase of the grieving process.....

endofmyrope65

Put her addiction issues to the side and think of this...
she completely disrespected you.
She chose to continue drinking against your wishes.
People make choices every minute of the day.
She chose alcohol and all her insane actions over you.
You reached the end of your rope and had to cut it for your own sanity.
You made the right choice as painful as that may have been.
Move on and don't look back.

I'll put it another way...
She cheated on you ...with a bottle.

Beachn

woodlandlost

To All who have read and responded, thank you.

Hearing about the experience of everyone else does help put this into perspective and the comments made about looking at the moment I am presently in as opposed to the past is so spot on. I think my ability to stop living in the past and to stop picking at the scab is so limited right now...I DO think about the good old days, and I can't say for sure how good they were. I can't even begin to share how shaky I am right now. I must be scared to be alone, or that she becomes this great person. Dang!!! Truth is I don't feel good about myself. Looks like I have fallen off the wagon again. My day consists of struggling at work, holding it together for daughter and barely doing things for myself. I suppose I have to force progress, there isn't any other way.

trailmix

Maybe it's time to work on those things one by one?

Not feeling good about yourself, where is that coming from? Is that putting your self down because of your treatment of your wife during the "crisis" times or previous to that? Regardless of which, whenever our behaviour is less than stellar the only solution is to move forward in a better way, that's it.

Are there amends to be made? If so, you might want to make them. The best amends are of course addressing whatever you did, but an apology, whether written or verbal might be a start as well.

Those are rather different issues. Narrowing it down might help. Living alone (as in not in a relationship) is very different, as you well know, but it is something that can be really terrific if you let it be. Being mindful of it is important. Like when you go to make or order dinner - oh, you make or order whatever you and your child want to! You watch what you want, you go out and return without answering to anyone else (I realize you have a child, but you get my drift). Now, being in a relationship is also good, not discounting that.

Where are your friends and family? If you have isolated yourself now is the time to branch out perhaps. Have you looked at meetup.com?

As for her becoming this great person, I hope she does some day. She has a lot of work to do regardless and maybe wishing her well is something you can do as well. Maybe not right now, maybe that's down the road, for now, focusing back on yourself and your Daughter is imperative for your well being.

I know for myself, there are people that I wish neither well or not - they just are who they are.

pdm22

“Detoxing” from a bad relationship situation, and those dynamics, isn’t that different in some ways than detoxing off of a substance. Ever quit sugar cold turkey? And as you’re going through the withdrawal (especially if you were addicted), and the withdrawal is so awful, all you can think about (and crave- even as it was making you sick) is sugar? But if you stick with it, eventually you come out the other side and it gets better? I do think it’s similar in some ways to that. Hang in there.