Confused, lost, lonely - trying to detach
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Confused, lost, lonely - trying to detach
Some of you will remember my story, I have been in and out of here for too long.
I finally asked my AH to leave last weekend after another relapse and bunch of lies. The addiction has dominated our lives for years and destroyed our family life. Now, my home is calmer but but I can’t shake the feelings of loneliness, sadness and confusion.
I have been trying to keep contact minimal but need some contact due to our 3 children. I’m so weak though. I know when he tells me he is going to recover that it is lies but I still get a tiny glimmer of hope. He has this way of manipulating me and everyone else. He is a high functioning addict in that he holds down a job/most people believe he is a perfect family man. Usually, I’m portrayed as the bad one - the nutty wife that moans and shouts and won’t let him do things. Yet, I still find myself hoping for the future.
I don’t want to give in and bend my values anymore. We have separated many times and usually I give in and bend my values to keep our family unit together.
Please be brutal with me - I’m feeling brave and need to hear it.
I finally asked my AH to leave last weekend after another relapse and bunch of lies. The addiction has dominated our lives for years and destroyed our family life. Now, my home is calmer but but I can’t shake the feelings of loneliness, sadness and confusion.
I have been trying to keep contact minimal but need some contact due to our 3 children. I’m so weak though. I know when he tells me he is going to recover that it is lies but I still get a tiny glimmer of hope. He has this way of manipulating me and everyone else. He is a high functioning addict in that he holds down a job/most people believe he is a perfect family man. Usually, I’m portrayed as the bad one - the nutty wife that moans and shouts and won’t let him do things. Yet, I still find myself hoping for the future.
I don’t want to give in and bend my values anymore. We have separated many times and usually I give in and bend my values to keep our family unit together.
Please be brutal with me - I’m feeling brave and need to hear it.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Oh my goodness! I see what you mean about how similar our stories are! I think what's finally helped me feel clarity around my situation is the knowledge that I will always be blamed for his behaviour, I will always be defending myself, and I'll always feel unloved. I just want more and I expect you do too x
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Yes, this has been my turning point too. Realising that no matter what I do it will be my fault.
Recently, he went to my mums to collect something then said he was on his way back. He didn’t turn up. Normally I would be frustrated and texting - I didn’t. He turned up at 4am after getting £120 out of the bank and said he couldn’t face coming home because I was angry. I wasn’t until he said that.
Deep down i have always known that it wasnt wasn’t my fault but would somehow end up questioning my own thoughts.
i just need the strength to let go completely and let him do his own thing. I can’t help worry and trying to make sure he is ok - I’m still easily drawn in 😬
Recently, he went to my mums to collect something then said he was on his way back. He didn’t turn up. Normally I would be frustrated and texting - I didn’t. He turned up at 4am after getting £120 out of the bank and said he couldn’t face coming home because I was angry. I wasn’t until he said that.
Deep down i have always known that it wasnt wasn’t my fault but would somehow end up questioning my own thoughts.
i just need the strength to let go completely and let him do his own thing. I can’t help worry and trying to make sure he is ok - I’m still easily drawn in 😬
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i think i'd be working on patching up that hole in the bank account that he keeps draining money out of. you are now solely responsible for THREE children, while he's off doing whatever. my spidey senses say he didn't take $120 out just to DRINK. former addict here and that amount says Ding Ding Ding!
as we say here, hope is not a plan. hope doesn't pay the rent, or the bills, or make sure the kids get to school on time. responsible adults do that.
he will SAY whatever he thinks you want to hear, and then keep doing what he wants. fool me once.........
i'm thinking with three kids at home it can't be that lonely? or quiet? how are THEY doing?
as we say here, hope is not a plan. hope doesn't pay the rent, or the bills, or make sure the kids get to school on time. responsible adults do that.
he will SAY whatever he thinks you want to hear, and then keep doing what he wants. fool me once.........
i'm thinking with three kids at home it can't be that lonely? or quiet? how are THEY doing?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Princessofhope 
Yes, this has been my turning point too. Realising that no matter what I do it will be my fault.
Recently, he went to my mums to collect something then said he was on his way back. He didn’t turn up. Normally I would be frustrated and texting - I didn’t. He turned up at 4am after getting £120 out of the bank and said he couldn’t face coming home because I was angry. I wasn’t until he said that.
Deep down i have always known that it wasnt wasn’t my fault but would somehow end up questioning my own thoughts.
i just need the strength to let go completely and let him do his own thing. I can’t help worry and trying to make sure he is ok - I’m still easily drawn in 😬
Recently, he went to my mums to collect something then said he was on his way back. He didn’t turn up. Normally I would be frustrated and texting - I didn’t. He turned up at 4am after getting £120 out of the bank and said he couldn’t face coming home because I was angry. I wasn’t until he said that.
Deep down i have always known that it wasnt wasn’t my fault but would somehow end up questioning my own thoughts.
i just need the strength to let go completely and let him do his own thing. I can’t help worry and trying to make sure he is ok - I’m still easily drawn in 😬
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don’t want to give in and bend my values anymore. We have separated many times and usually I give in and bend my values to keep our family unit together.
Take care of your children and yourself, you all come first and this living with active addiction can end whenever you say it ends.
Wishing you the courage to change and happier days ahead.
Hugs
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i think i'd be working on patching up that hole in the bank account that he keeps draining money out of. you are now solely responsible for THREE children, while he's off doing whatever. my spidey senses say he didn't take $120 out just to DRINK. former addict here and that amount says Ding Ding Ding!
as we say here, hope is not a plan. hope doesn't pay the rent, or the bills, or make sure the kids get to school on time. responsible adults do that.
he will SAY whatever he thinks you want to hear, and then keep doing what he wants. fool me once.........
i'm thinking with three kids at home it can't be that lonely? or quiet? how are THEY doing?
as we say here, hope is not a plan. hope doesn't pay the rent, or the bills, or make sure the kids get to school on time. responsible adults do that.
he will SAY whatever he thinks you want to hear, and then keep doing what he wants. fool me once.........
i'm thinking with three kids at home it can't be that lonely? or quiet? how are THEY doing?
The finances are now completely separate and with a lot of cutbacks I can manage financially on my own.
No, the £120 was for cocaine. Unless you are suggesting something different? I need a former addicts perspective!
i have a plan, over the years I have had to have a plan for if or when this time come. I haven’t always had the strength to make this decision but knew the time would come for me to say ‘enough is enough’. The kids are cared for, loved, on time where they need to be and oblivious to the financial impact. They are finding it difficult and missing their dad (who they adore) but enjoying the calm atmosphere. Life has continued relatively normally for them just with one parent not two but then they are used to him disappearing.
Surprisingly, it is lonely even with 3 kids. I’m parenting alone, dealing with their sadness alone, no one to tag team with is hard and lonely. My brain is my only company in the evenings and it tortures me with a million scenarios and what ifs. So I’m guessing thats what I mean by lonely.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Ann, thank you. I have known for a while that the ‘enough’ was coming and now I know that it is here. I’m literally ‘sick and tired of being sick and tired’ but my brain has a funny way of making me doubt absolutely everything. finding strength to stick to my decision is hard in those moments. That’s what brought me here
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sorry POH, i have a hard time keeping up on which addict is doing what around here! but yeah, i was thinking coke.
and there you have it. married, 3 kids, and still doing coke.
i am so glad to hear that finances are separated and you feel confident to manage YOUR finances on your own. that alone puts you so far ahead of the game!
i'd rather be alone than stuck in a house with someone all jacked up. or going thru the crash. or fiending big time. i've been all those things, and gone thru it with my partner. and in none of those cases should we have been anywhere NEAR children.
some nighttime rituals can help ease that sense of "loneliness" - some good daily reading material, journaling, gratitude list, audiobooks! i have a wretched hour at least drive each way to work, so i fill that time with audiobooks. and i don't let myself listen unless i'm IN the car. some days that is the only thing that gets me in the car to go work - since i left susie locked in the basement with water rising!!! but you could easily make time at night to listen to a story - fiction, non-fiction, self help, or some topic you've always wanted to learn about. that way you start to look FORWARD to your nighttime ritual, like i do getting in my car.
small shifts can reap the same results than one big leap.
and there you have it. married, 3 kids, and still doing coke.
i am so glad to hear that finances are separated and you feel confident to manage YOUR finances on your own. that alone puts you so far ahead of the game!
i'd rather be alone than stuck in a house with someone all jacked up. or going thru the crash. or fiending big time. i've been all those things, and gone thru it with my partner. and in none of those cases should we have been anywhere NEAR children.
some nighttime rituals can help ease that sense of "loneliness" - some good daily reading material, journaling, gratitude list, audiobooks! i have a wretched hour at least drive each way to work, so i fill that time with audiobooks. and i don't let myself listen unless i'm IN the car. some days that is the only thing that gets me in the car to go work - since i left susie locked in the basement with water rising!!! but you could easily make time at night to listen to a story - fiction, non-fiction, self help, or some topic you've always wanted to learn about. that way you start to look FORWARD to your nighttime ritual, like i do getting in my car.
small shifts can reap the same results than one big leap.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,627
Originally Posted by Princessofhope
I can’t help worry and trying to make sure he is ok - I’m still easily drawn in
What you said above, challenging that thinking will help as well. He is actually ok. He is a grown man who is taking cash and going out to buy cocaine - so he can definitely look after himself.
He does this without thought of you or your children (because that is what addicts do), his first allegiance is to the drugs. Your first allegiance should be to you and your kiddies perhaps? You and they need you much more than he does.
Right now focusing back on yourself will make you feel somewhat better, it will take time though. It's hurtful.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
Maybe consider writing out where you think you'll be in 5 years if you go back.
And then write out where you'll be in 5 years if you stay strong.
The first story should scare you to death, and the second should offer you hope.
Consider reading them both every day.
Peace is very hard to get used to. Give it time.
Prayers!
And then write out where you'll be in 5 years if you stay strong.
The first story should scare you to death, and the second should offer you hope.
Consider reading them both every day.
Peace is very hard to get used to. Give it time.
Prayers!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Hi POH
Sorry that your back but also glad you came back.
I know from speaking with you previously that you tried very hard for years to save your husband & your marriage.
Same as was the case for me - the pull of drug addiction on our addicts is way more powerful than all our love, compassion, family, stability, etc. put together. Unless they choose to stop - drug addiction is going to win out.
I know the feeling of loneliness which comes after separating from our addicts. For years, we are laser focused on them & then things blow up & they are gone from us. Its just another clear example of how crazy life with an addict really is.
Your not alone. There is tremendous help here on SR. I honestly never thought I could get away from her. I managed though it. Not easy at all but Im still separate from her.
Please take care.
Sorry that your back but also glad you came back.
I know from speaking with you previously that you tried very hard for years to save your husband & your marriage.
Same as was the case for me - the pull of drug addiction on our addicts is way more powerful than all our love, compassion, family, stability, etc. put together. Unless they choose to stop - drug addiction is going to win out.
I know the feeling of loneliness which comes after separating from our addicts. For years, we are laser focused on them & then things blow up & they are gone from us. Its just another clear example of how crazy life with an addict really is.
Your not alone. There is tremendous help here on SR. I honestly never thought I could get away from her. I managed though it. Not easy at all but Im still separate from her.
Please take care.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sometimes we get stuck in the dysfunction because it has become our "norm:, it is our comfort zone because we know what to do with it and are so used to the ritual.
Change can be scary, we may think we don't know how. But one step at a time, one day at a time we can plan to make a better life for ourselves.
Meetings helped me find that good place where I KNEW my life would change. I was surrounded by people who had lived through worse than me and they had something I wanted...I later found out it was called serenity.
You can have it too. Just find where it is and keep showing up.
Hugs
Change can be scary, we may think we don't know how. But one step at a time, one day at a time we can plan to make a better life for ourselves.
Meetings helped me find that good place where I KNEW my life would change. I was surrounded by people who had lived through worse than me and they had something I wanted...I later found out it was called serenity.
You can have it too. Just find where it is and keep showing up.
Hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I understand you have to have some contact. Here is what I have told my XAH. I will only have constructive contact regarding our children. The very second it turns to anything else, I stop responding to my XAH. It has taken time, but he has learned. It has made my life a lot more peaceful.
Going no (or very low) contact is the way to heal. Put that focus on YOU.
Going no (or very low) contact is the way to heal. Put that focus on YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
I haven’t been on here for a while as life has become all consuming. So I’m sorry that I haven’t yet replied to you all. I am truly grateful for every message. Every single one has helped to refocus me. I wish I had been back here sooner as it would have given me the strength I need.
Unfortunately, I have found myself getting increasingly drawn in to conversations and him pushing for a reaction. In times of weakness, he got that reaction - sometimes shouting from frustration, sometimes me sending him heartfelt messages to which he doesn’t reply. When will I learn?
Anvilhead - night time rituals is exactly what I need. This is my time when my emotions catch up with me. It’s also the time when he tends to message something that implies all will be ok. I love reading so definitely something I can start doing. Thank you.
trailmix - I need to remind myself that he is ok. This is hard when he is in contact for my help with minor issues - which I guess is his way of trying to stop me focusing on me. My first allegiance is most definitely with my children now more than ever. They are flourishing in the calm environment and we have had lots of smiles and laughter during these hard times. That is what keeps me going and reminds me that I have made the best decision. Thank you for your helpful advice.
troubledone - this 5 years from now idea is fantastic. I know where I want to be in 5 years and the life I want for my kids and it does not involve active addiction. Thank you - i will keep reminding myself of this.
Unfortunately, I have found myself getting increasingly drawn in to conversations and him pushing for a reaction. In times of weakness, he got that reaction - sometimes shouting from frustration, sometimes me sending him heartfelt messages to which he doesn’t reply. When will I learn?
Anvilhead - night time rituals is exactly what I need. This is my time when my emotions catch up with me. It’s also the time when he tends to message something that implies all will be ok. I love reading so definitely something I can start doing. Thank you.
trailmix - I need to remind myself that he is ok. This is hard when he is in contact for my help with minor issues - which I guess is his way of trying to stop me focusing on me. My first allegiance is most definitely with my children now more than ever. They are flourishing in the calm environment and we have had lots of smiles and laughter during these hard times. That is what keeps me going and reminds me that I have made the best decision. Thank you for your helpful advice.
troubledone - this 5 years from now idea is fantastic. I know where I want to be in 5 years and the life I want for my kids and it does not involve active addiction. Thank you - i will keep reminding myself of this.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
Hardlessons - you are an inspiration you have come so far since we last spoke. Whereas I am still in the same place like Groundhog Day. I will get there. I have tried hard but it’s taken me a long time to realise that it was only me trying and all the rest was a lot of talk about him trying and no actions. I won’t let me and the kids be second best to drugs anymore.
Ann - stuck in the dysfunction is exactly how my life is. It has become so normal that I don’t know what normal is anymore. Unfortunately, meetings aren’t an option for me but I will definitely keep reading about my own recovery. Thank you 🙏
hopeful4 - that is such a good idea. I will try to restrict contact to only constructive messages about the kids. Is your story on here? I will have a little look if it is.
wife waking up - thank you for thinking of me. It is so touching to know that someone somewhere is thinking of me with kindness. How are you?
Ann - stuck in the dysfunction is exactly how my life is. It has become so normal that I don’t know what normal is anymore. Unfortunately, meetings aren’t an option for me but I will definitely keep reading about my own recovery. Thank you 🙏
hopeful4 - that is such a good idea. I will try to restrict contact to only constructive messages about the kids. Is your story on here? I will have a little look if it is.
wife waking up - thank you for thinking of me. It is so touching to know that someone somewhere is thinking of me with kindness. How are you?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh gosh, I have been on here forever. I first came here thinking I could get help "fixing" my XAH. I did not like the answers I got so I left for a few years. I came back after therapy and Celebrate Recovery, and after realizing I could not change or fix him, and needed this for ME.
Feel free to read my threads, I am an open book LOL.
Feel free to read my threads, I am an open book LOL.
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