How to deal with the emotions?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
How to deal with the emotions?
My A fiancé and I broke up a month ago, I’m having the hardest time getting through this. As much as I miss him, I want to help him, at the same time I want to feel good that he is the one who broke up with me and I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
However during the break up he blame me as the reason why he drinks so much, before he met me he would only drink on weekends (right).
Now that im attending Al-anon and going to therapy, I’m learning a lot about my behavior, and how I was reacting to things my A fiancé did or said.
Yet im blaming myself, and wonder how things would’ve been if I haven’t got crazy towards the end. For about six months I didn’t care much about the relationship because I didn’t want to know he was drinking, but ever time I noticed signs that he was drinking I would scream, break things, say hurtful things or even pick a fight over anything just so I could let him know that I knew what he was up to. I was so hurt i wanted to hurt him too so maybe he would understand how I was feeling.
His family agrees that I’m the reason he was drinking a lot. I remember when I started dating him, his family would say his ex girlfriend wasn’t good for him and he was doing some unhealthy choices because of her. The exactly thing they are saying about me now. I’ve been thinking about get in touch with her, I’ve been just wondering if she had to deal with any of the things I’m going through now. He described the end of their relationship the exactly way he broke up with me. So I’ve been curious. I’m not trying to compare myself to her or the relationship they had. Maybe I’m trying to find some kind of relieve.
However during the break up he blame me as the reason why he drinks so much, before he met me he would only drink on weekends (right).
Now that im attending Al-anon and going to therapy, I’m learning a lot about my behavior, and how I was reacting to things my A fiancé did or said.
Yet im blaming myself, and wonder how things would’ve been if I haven’t got crazy towards the end. For about six months I didn’t care much about the relationship because I didn’t want to know he was drinking, but ever time I noticed signs that he was drinking I would scream, break things, say hurtful things or even pick a fight over anything just so I could let him know that I knew what he was up to. I was so hurt i wanted to hurt him too so maybe he would understand how I was feeling.
His family agrees that I’m the reason he was drinking a lot. I remember when I started dating him, his family would say his ex girlfriend wasn’t good for him and he was doing some unhealthy choices because of her. The exactly thing they are saying about me now. I’ve been thinking about get in touch with her, I’ve been just wondering if she had to deal with any of the things I’m going through now. He described the end of their relationship the exactly way he broke up with me. So I’ve been curious. I’m not trying to compare myself to her or the relationship they had. Maybe I’m trying to find some kind of relieve.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Well, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's), I'm sure you have probably heard this before and it is actually true.
You can't control him or cure him because if you could - he would be under your control and cured and he's not.
You also didn't "make" him drink, unless you tied him up and poured the alcohol down is throat. Certainly he could have gotten emotionally wound up from the fighting and might have wanted to block out his feelings with alcohol - but that is 100 percent out of your control.
Is he responsible for you getting angry? No. His feelings and actions are his. Your feelings and actions are yours.
His family can blame anyone they like, it's kind of irrelevant don't you think?
I would recommend a few things. First of all, not getting in touch with his ex - that won't help you and might just make you angrier? How do you think you would find relief in that?
Secondly, write a list of every single mean thing he ever said to you or did to you and keep that list with you and refer to it as needed, whenever you think of the "good times".
Then working on taking your life back can help, keep busy - read, contact friends and your family, spend time with them, go out, watch a lot of movies, do any hobbies you like, things you may have stopped doing since you were so busy dealing with this relationship.
Take up something new.
You will get through it but it will take time. Al Anon and therapy will certainly help but again - it still takes time.
You can't control him or cure him because if you could - he would be under your control and cured and he's not.
You also didn't "make" him drink, unless you tied him up and poured the alcohol down is throat. Certainly he could have gotten emotionally wound up from the fighting and might have wanted to block out his feelings with alcohol - but that is 100 percent out of your control.
Is he responsible for you getting angry? No. His feelings and actions are his. Your feelings and actions are yours.
His family can blame anyone they like, it's kind of irrelevant don't you think?
I would recommend a few things. First of all, not getting in touch with his ex - that won't help you and might just make you angrier? How do you think you would find relief in that?
Secondly, write a list of every single mean thing he ever said to you or did to you and keep that list with you and refer to it as needed, whenever you think of the "good times".
Then working on taking your life back can help, keep busy - read, contact friends and your family, spend time with them, go out, watch a lot of movies, do any hobbies you like, things you may have stopped doing since you were so busy dealing with this relationship.
Take up something new.
You will get through it but it will take time. Al Anon and therapy will certainly help but again - it still takes time.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
His family agrees that I’m the reason he was drinking a lot. I remember when I started dating him, his family would say his ex girlfriend wasn’t good for him and he was doing some unhealthy choices because of her
This is an absurd statement for his family to make. They are either in denial, or utterly clueless. No one, and I mean no one, makes anyone do anything.
I don't mean this to sound hard, but he did you a huge favor. Let him go and move on with your life. The pain will be short term, but hanging around for more of the insanity isn't good for you.
This is an absurd statement for his family to make. They are either in denial, or utterly clueless. No one, and I mean no one, makes anyone do anything.
I don't mean this to sound hard, but he did you a huge favor. Let him go and move on with your life. The pain will be short term, but hanging around for more of the insanity isn't good for you.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
let's imagine the ickiest grossest thing you would NEVER eat....like raw pig guts, or chum used for sharks (i'm assuming you don't like either of those things).
what would i HAVE to do to MAKE you eat that? i'm not talking a small bite, i'm talking a big ole plate of the stuff.
if i offer you a million bucks and you accept, i am not MAKING you do anything, you are choosing to the terms of the agreement and thus making the choice to chow down.
i'd have to threaten you in some way - with a weapon or holding a family member hostage. right? you would then be coerced due to a threat of force or violence or maybe even death.
should you survive this horrifying situation, get your million or save your loved one, i would bet you another million that you would NEVER eat another morsel of that disgusting crap again. ever.
your ex was willingly and quite cheerfully drinking BEFORE you met. he had a history of it. he had AT LEAST one ex gf who was blamed for his behavior. this is not a new development, for him or his family.
his drinking has NOTHING to do you with. or her. or anyone. please do not hunt down his former ex gf just to compare notes. that's kinda......creepy. don't dive into this experience any deeper. you are out, stay out.
what would i HAVE to do to MAKE you eat that? i'm not talking a small bite, i'm talking a big ole plate of the stuff.
if i offer you a million bucks and you accept, i am not MAKING you do anything, you are choosing to the terms of the agreement and thus making the choice to chow down.
i'd have to threaten you in some way - with a weapon or holding a family member hostage. right? you would then be coerced due to a threat of force or violence or maybe even death.
should you survive this horrifying situation, get your million or save your loved one, i would bet you another million that you would NEVER eat another morsel of that disgusting crap again. ever.
your ex was willingly and quite cheerfully drinking BEFORE you met. he had a history of it. he had AT LEAST one ex gf who was blamed for his behavior. this is not a new development, for him or his family.
his drinking has NOTHING to do you with. or her. or anyone. please do not hunt down his former ex gf just to compare notes. that's kinda......creepy. don't dive into this experience any deeper. you are out, stay out.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,969
Hey Nara, I am so sorry for the pain you are going through and it also sounds like it was not a situation that was going to get any better in the foreseeable future and maybe never.
No matter how much leaving our As is the right thing to do, it still is excruciating. The pain of leaving them is why many stay in these relationships. I remember thinking that people died before feeling that much pain. Our very own Deserteyes (our mod here on Friends and Family) said his Alanon group started bringing more kleenex to meetings as he cried so much. I think I myself even cried in my sleep during that time.
Unfortunately the only way to get through it is just time. And the ol' chestnut said over and over again in AA and Alanon is, "time takes time". Do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, let yourself have down time and then make yourself get out and do stuff too. I used to count days since I last saw him similar to how alcoholics count days since their last drink.
Courage to you lady. This is indeed tough time.
Edit: I just reread your post and perhaps it isn't pain that you are dealing with so pardon if I misunderstood. Take anything that helps and leave the rest.
No matter how much leaving our As is the right thing to do, it still is excruciating. The pain of leaving them is why many stay in these relationships. I remember thinking that people died before feeling that much pain. Our very own Deserteyes (our mod here on Friends and Family) said his Alanon group started bringing more kleenex to meetings as he cried so much. I think I myself even cried in my sleep during that time.
Unfortunately the only way to get through it is just time. And the ol' chestnut said over and over again in AA and Alanon is, "time takes time". Do everything you can to take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, let yourself have down time and then make yourself get out and do stuff too. I used to count days since I last saw him similar to how alcoholics count days since their last drink.
Courage to you lady. This is indeed tough time.
Edit: I just reread your post and perhaps it isn't pain that you are dealing with so pardon if I misunderstood. Take anything that helps and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I, too used to get very upset at my ex girlfriend for drinking. It’s sort of what happens when one person is completely out of control.. and anger/frustration shoots out in hopes to create a “wake up call” for the alcoholic we love. Unfortunately that only works on film/tv... not in real life. It doesn’t create change in the addict, just more turmoil for us and the relationship.
There’s so many things to learn once you’ve healed a bit. I definitely agree... finding what you hope will be “answers” from his ex will likely only bring more chaos. Focus on yourself. Don’t bring in more drama. Ultimately it doesn’t help. The real issue is addiction causes all this confusion and lack of reason in a relationship. That’s the sad reality.
And try not to focus on his family either. This is very common in families with addiction... my ex’s family had blinders on (and a pointed finger at me) as well. They blamed me. I felt bad. I still wish I could go on 20/20 and proclaim: “It wasn’t my fault!” Ha! But that’s life.
Breathe. It’s a process. A difficult process. And we all learn or can learn from the experience. Especially not repeating patterns.
Hang in there! Glad you’re here...
There’s so many things to learn once you’ve healed a bit. I definitely agree... finding what you hope will be “answers” from his ex will likely only bring more chaos. Focus on yourself. Don’t bring in more drama. Ultimately it doesn’t help. The real issue is addiction causes all this confusion and lack of reason in a relationship. That’s the sad reality.
And try not to focus on his family either. This is very common in families with addiction... my ex’s family had blinders on (and a pointed finger at me) as well. They blamed me. I felt bad. I still wish I could go on 20/20 and proclaim: “It wasn’t my fault!” Ha! But that’s life.
Breathe. It’s a process. A difficult process. And we all learn or can learn from the experience. Especially not repeating patterns.
Hang in there! Glad you’re here...
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
My A fiancé and I broke up a month ago, I’m having the hardest time getting through this. As much as I miss him, I want to help him, at the same time I want to feel good that he is the one who broke up with me and I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
Perfectly normal. I compare the end of a mis-matched relationship like the death of an old, failing pet: you'll miss the companionship, but the suffering is over.
However during the break up he blame me as the reason why he drinks so much, before he met me he would only drink on weekends (right).
BS
Now that im attending Al-anon and going to therapy, I’m learning a lot about my behavior, and how I was reacting to things my A fiancé did or said.
This is a wise choice.
Yet im blaming myself, and wonder how things would’ve been if I haven’t got crazy towards the end. For about six months I didn’t care much about the relationship because I didn’t want to know he was drinking, but ever time I noticed signs that he was drinking I would scream, break things, say hurtful things or even pick a fight over anything just so I could let him know that I knew what he was up to. I was so hurt i wanted to hurt him too so maybe he would understand how I was feeling.
Well, that was immature. Don't do that again ;-)
His family agrees that I’m the reason h e was drinking a lot. I remember when I started dating him, his family would say his ex girlfriend wasn’t good for him and he was doing some unhealthy choices because of her. The exactly thing they are saying about me now. No one will ever be good enough for their darling baby boy. I’ve been thinking about get in touch with her, I’ve been just wondering if she had to deal with any of the things I’m going through now... So I’ve been curious.
I wouldn't bother, but you can if you want
Perfectly normal. I compare the end of a mis-matched relationship like the death of an old, failing pet: you'll miss the companionship, but the suffering is over.
However during the break up he blame me as the reason why he drinks so much, before he met me he would only drink on weekends (right).
BS
Now that im attending Al-anon and going to therapy, I’m learning a lot about my behavior, and how I was reacting to things my A fiancé did or said.
This is a wise choice.
Yet im blaming myself, and wonder how things would’ve been if I haven’t got crazy towards the end. For about six months I didn’t care much about the relationship because I didn’t want to know he was drinking, but ever time I noticed signs that he was drinking I would scream, break things, say hurtful things or even pick a fight over anything just so I could let him know that I knew what he was up to. I was so hurt i wanted to hurt him too so maybe he would understand how I was feeling.
Well, that was immature. Don't do that again ;-)
His family agrees that I’m the reason h e was drinking a lot. I remember when I started dating him, his family would say his ex girlfriend wasn’t good for him and he was doing some unhealthy choices because of her. The exactly thing they are saying about me now. No one will ever be good enough for their darling baby boy. I’ve been thinking about get in touch with her, I’ve been just wondering if she had to deal with any of the things I’m going through now... So I’ve been curious.
I wouldn't bother, but you can if you want
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
You will see..... without you in the picture he will still drink. Whose fault is it then? My XAH is now in a relationship with a girl that is “sooooo much bettter for him” and his life is “so much better now”. Guess what? Stilllllk drinking. My rational self can understand the 3Cs but it has taken my emotional subconcious seeing this quite a bit to try to catch up. You will see it too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
Thank you everyone for sharing your stories with me, the advices and opinions. I spent a few day reading it over and over, although I still feel the pain I am starting to see things for what it is. This group and Al-anon is helping me so much. I am so sorry all of you also had to face some situations similar to mine. Thank you so much for sharing and the word of encouragement.
i can’t tank you all of you enough for taking the time to reply.
i can’t tank you all of you enough for taking the time to reply.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
I'm glad to hear you are feeling at least a little more clear, hopefully a teeny bit better?
It takes time.
I noticed you posted in TriStrong's thread about relating to her story, I don't know if you know that you can go back and read all the threads/posts someone has posted by clicking on their username on the post and then choosing "See all threads started by" or "see posts".
You can probably relate to Fionaperse's experience as well perhaps:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8698938
It takes time.
I noticed you posted in TriStrong's thread about relating to her story, I don't know if you know that you can go back and read all the threads/posts someone has posted by clicking on their username on the post and then choosing "See all threads started by" or "see posts".
You can probably relate to Fionaperse's experience as well perhaps:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=8698938
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