BrokenDown1975

AH received his first dui 6 months ago. He goes to court again next Friday. Today he tells me that he is going out to watch the football game at the bar. I said umm that doesn’t seem smart. An A shouldn’t be at a bar. He says I’m not an A. I only binge drink. He said no worries I am not drinking at all. Just watching game with friends. Then I find out from my older son that pretty much everything my AH told me was a lie. Apparently he is going to an open bar party with a bunch of work people, my son will be there bc they work together. Then my sons says yes mom dad even has a hotel for the night. Wait...what!? I can’t say anything to my AH be then he will know that my son ratted him out. But damn....I thought the dui Would have been an eye opener, man was I wrong. All of this has been planned for 2 weeks and I just find out today but with lies. Sooo how do I handle when he doesn’t come home, what more can I say that I haven’t already said in the past.
I’m not in a position to walk away. His dui has also put a lot of debt on us. I just need to know how not to blow up and Reveal that information I know from my son. I just don’t know how to deal with him anymore and the lies are ridiculous! My stomach hurts my heart is racing. Being the fact that my husband doesn’t know that I know he will be in a hotel room I wonder if he will even tell me that he won’t be home tonight or if he just won’t show up until the morning.
Sorry for the rant. Hurt, anger, stressed and anxiety is through the roof right now. I just don’t know what to say to him anaymore.

dandylion

BrokenDown…..I can relate to how disappointed you must feel, right now. You have such hopes that he will give up drinking.
Denial is so strong in the practicing alcoholic and fear of never drinking ever again feels like a death sentence to the alcoholic.
If I were I n your shoes (which I am not)….get your usual night's sleep...if you can. don't say a word to him, when he shows up....and when he tries to comment.....simply say something like this----"When you didn't come home, I knew that you had been drinking...and, would come home when you got ready. I knew if something bad happened, I would get a call from the police or jail or the hospital. You are a grown man and you know the consequences of drinking....and, I just can't babysit you every minute"...…
That will give him the message, and you don't have to mention your son's name. If he should ask is someone "told you"...just say......'Nobody has to tell me any thing...I am not stupid and I can figure things out for myself....."

by the way....many years ago, I use to teach some dui classes for the county.;;;It was a little side job because I needed extra money, at the time.
The focus on those classes was NOT on sobriety----it was only on not driving while intoxicated.....something that I don't think a lot of spouses and partners realize. They teach "responsible" drinking and the emphasis is no drunk driving.
They are told to call a cab, or get a hotel, or similar thing.....
I think that very few people who go through the dui programs get into alcoholism recovery as a result of (only) those type of programs. Some do learn to avoid getting behind the wheel while intoxicated, though.....

BrokenDown1975

Thanks for the help. I will use that tomorrow.
Yes, I feel like right now I am in a battle I can’t win and that’s hard!
Honestly, my AH was court ordered for classes and he would tell me they never did anything. Some of the classes they just signed in and left. He was more of an Inconvenience than anything. But I honestly thought he would stop drinking, stop going out. But 2 weeks ago he had his blower removed from his car and then this happens today. So yea...I guess now when he drinks he will just stay in a hotel and not tell me. That’s so hurtful. All the lies and secrets hurt.

trailmix

Yes, a DUI is certainly not necessarily a eye opener for any alcoholic, many have had many DUIs and yet they continue to drink - and drive.

As dandylion mentioned, the drive for him to drink is all powerful. He will have to choose to not drink and get in to recovery, doesn't sound like that's in the cards right now and there is nothing you can do about that.

It's not your battle, it's his. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

The only person you can change is yourself. You might want to start detaching from this whole situation.

I hope that you are making some plans for yourself. Alcoholism is progressive and this will get worse before it gets better (if he ever does choose recovery), so you need an exit strategy, just in case.

Do you attend Al-Anon?

ironwill

Brokendown,

Listen to what dandylion has to say. It sounds perfect to me. He is a grown man he should be telling youthe truth, but you are talking to the alcohol, not him. Im sorry you have to deal with him. Just know you are not alone in this. We are here to help. Be strong and keep posting.

BlownOne

It's not possible for your son to "rat out" your husband. A responsible parent wouldn't put themselves in a position to have to hide anything from another member of his family. If your husband gets angry he has no one to be angry with but himself for such a selfish and stupid decision.
Most alcoholics (myself included) don't take much notice of getting a DUI. It's not a wake up call to examine behaviors as much as it is simple "bad luck" in the eyes of an alcoholic. You may have some hard choices to make going forward. Some of us are very hard nuts to crack before we wake up and embrace recovery. The waiting may be a bumpy ride for you. Hugs to you. Keep posting. It helps.

BrokenDown1975

I have not attended an al-non yet. I did look earlier to see if there is any near me and on Monday nights thy have a meeting. I will be attending my first meting.
I do understand that this is not my battle however, it effects my Finances. Just like the dui effected me. His behavior effects me.

trailmix

Absolutely it does and that's why it's so important to have a plan. You can't change what is causing this destruction in your life (since as you mentioned you can't leave) so all you can do is detach and look after yourself the best you can under the circumstances.

BrokenDown1975

Thank you everyone for your helpful advise. I’m sitting here on the couch getting more angry....youngest son sent AH a text, of course no response.
I think the hardest part of an A is the lies, the disrespect they give us and all the BS they put us through.

AnvilheadII

i'd be getting a plan together ASAP. he is not concerned about finances, future, security - nope his time and energy has been spent on coming up with a plan to............spend the night at a hotel and party his @ss off. and LYING to you about it. with DUI court in one week.

different priorities. you have the bailing bucket and he has the drill poking more holes in the boat.

your son is not responsible to keep his dad's secrets. nor can he RAT him out. he told you what he knew. if it were me, cuz i'm a crusty old broad, i'd have my self parked in the lobby of that hotel! not recommending that!

things can always get worse. that is why you need a plan, now.

trailmix

I would be walking in to the party right about now, if not the hotel.

But I don't recommend it either.

BrokenDown1975

Oh believe me...I would love to drive the hour drive and do that but In reality I know no good would come out. AH. is a binge drinker and once he starts he will go until he is cut off. As for my son he asked me not to say anything so right now I am respecting his wishes. Either way....this is a ****** night and i am sure it will be a ****** weekend. Either way...I’m sure I will be back tomorrow pulling my hair out and trying to keep my peace and sanity that I have left while I am at work.

trailmix

Yes, you're right, not good would come of it, you are making the wise decision.

Is it unusual for him to stay out all night?

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics really resent it when they think the "sobriety police" are looking over their shoulder. I suggest Alanon, which was a life saver for me.

SmallButMighty

I am sorry you are going through this hell with your AH. I've been in your shoes and I remember how awful it felt. I was angry and scared all the time, constant anxiety and worry. It ended up making me very sick.

My AXH drove drunk since high school. He didn't get a DUI until he was 39... but that didn't stop him from drinking.. or driving drunk. I lived in constant fear that he would kill himself, or worse some innocent people. I worried about what that would do to our entire family.. legally and financially.. plus the stigma. Ugggg.

Like you, it was the lies, secrets and dishonesty that made me the most angry. I'm not a stupid person and it really p!ssed me off that he would treat me like I was. I realize that his lies weren't so much about me as they were about him protecting his disease, but that didn't make his dishonesty feel any better to my heart. He could trust me, but I couldn't trust him. That's a pretty unbalanced relationship.., and in the end I couldn't continue to live like that. It was killing me from the inside out.

I'm sorry you feel trapped. I did too, for a very long time. Learning how to erect personal boundaries and disengage from his chaos helped. Have you read the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? It taught me how to calm the storm that was brewing inside me.

*hugs*

BrokenDown1975

BrokenDown1975

SmallButMighty

BrokenDown1975, It doesn't matter what "kind" of alcoholics we have in our lives, or even if that person is an "actual" alcoholic.... what matters is that their drinking and behaviors that stem from it affect our OWN lives in negative ways. We can't control them but we can decide what we will do about our own choices and behaviors when it comes to them and their actions.

He doesn't think his drinking is a problem. He has a right to feel that way. As an adult he is legally allowed to buy and consume as much alcohol as he wants.

You think his drinking is a problem, not only for him but for you and for your family. You have every right to your feelings too! He doesn't have to agree with you for your feelings to be valid.

I am glad you plan to read "Codependent No More". I think it will help you find a balance you can live with. At the VERY least it will help slow down the spinning.... hang in there.

*hugs*

ironwill

Brokendown,

You are smarter and stronger then you know. You realized going down to the hotel would not be a good thing. You are right. It will not change anything and you will have just wasted at least 2 more hours of your life dealing with him. It's not fair to you. You need to focus on your self.

I'm glad to hear you are going to an Al-Anon meeting. I know I feel so much better after I go to mine. I have only been going for 2 month and look forward to it every week. It has helped me heal and given me the tools i need to deal with the AW.

I hope last night wasn't to crappy. I also hope you do something special for your self this weekend and not worry about something and somebody you have no control over. You deserve it.

I want to let you know we are here for you. You are not alone in this journey. Be strong and have a beautiful day

trailmix

I'm sure he thinks he has to lie because how else will he get out to drink. I'm sure he feels he can't say - I'm on my way out the door to get roaring drunk, if I'm too drunk to drive I'll stay at the hotel, I already have it booked.

That's the truth of it though.

There is no need for you to feel bad, "just a binge A" is what is affecting you and your family and that's enough. Just because he doesn't drink every single night doesn't mean it's not having a huge affect.

My Father was an alcoholic. He also didn't drink every night. When he drank he drank a lot, it never occurred to me to compare his drinking with how anyone else drank. I've also known other alcoholics and also never compared their drinking, so I'm not sure where that line of thinking comes from but I have heard it said here before. It is how he drinks, it does affect your life in a very negative way, so 5 drinks or 20, it's not important and no reason for you to feel "bad".

Is this something he has shared with you perhaps, that he's not "that bad"?