Day 37 and grieving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 71
Day 37 and grieving
I never know where to start when I come on here I always think I should hold my feelings in..but that's what led me to drinking and years of misery and I'm doing everything different this time and its working x my dad passed away last Thursday I'm heartbroken and lost without him and still in complete shock hes not here anymore it was so sudden and unexpected he was my mum,dad, siblings, friend,counsellor,bank ,babysitter, and life is going to suck without him. I dont have the urge to drink but I'm dreading his funeral which the wake is being held in his local pub i need so much strength that day and would it be rude to leave early??? My family drink so much and will encourage and expect me to drink with them but I want to honor his memory being sober and making something out of my life not getting wrecked in a pub ...I dont know so many thoughts swimming around and I just cant sleep at all sorry to ramble as usual I will be staying close to here these next few weeks drinking is not an option
not a greeter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: padmasana
Posts: 13,927
Sorry for your pain and sudden loss of your father. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I’ve lost both of my parents as well as my step father and I don’t think it ever gets better, just gets different. I do know that drinking definitely won’t help anything. Although you don’t have the urge to drink right now, I suspect having the wake in a pub will be uncomfortable along with all of the other emotions. Of course it wouldn’t be rude to leave early. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, honor your father and grieve in a healthy way. Hugs out to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I'm glad you plan to honour his memory by staying sober. I think you should leave the wake whenever you are ready to. I know your dad wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,942
Sorry for your loss. My dad died six weeks ago, and the wake was held in a pub too. Like you, I wasn’t looking forward to the funeral at all, but it wasn’t so bad. The important thing to remember is it’s your dad. You can do whatever you like. If you want to leave the wake early, that’s fine. Your dad wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable and certainly not drink again. All the best for the funeral and condolences again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Northeast US
Posts: 45
Louise I am so sorry to hear about your loss and heartbreak. I think you should do whatever you feel at the wake. You may find you want to stay, and you may find it to be too much.
Keep your options open. The only non-negotiable is that you don't drink, but you don't need to make any decisions beyond that, just do what feels right. I'm sure your dad would want you to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Keep your options open. The only non-negotiable is that you don't drink, but you don't need to make any decisions beyond that, just do what feels right. I'm sure your dad would want you to take care of yourself first and foremost.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 71
Originally Posted by gypsytears 
Sorry for your pain and sudden loss of your father. I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I’ve lost both of my parents as well as my step father and I don’t think it ever gets better, just gets different. I do know that drinking definitely won’t help anything. Although you don’t have the urge to drink right now, I suspect having the wake in a pub will be uncomfortable along with all of the other emotions. Of course it wouldn’t be rude to leave early. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, honor your father and grieve in a healthy way. Hugs out to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I'm sorry for your loss Louise.
It's natural to grieve and feel sad and feel that sense of loss. Thats the way we process things and, eventually, move them.
Don't give in to the temptation to medicate that, it'll keep you stuck on the painful bit, in a loop, and you'll need more an more alcohol to medicate your pain.
I don't think it's rude to leave a wake early. I wouldn't even think it rude if you didn't go at all.
whatever society (or your addiction) tells you, I reckon the funeral is the important bit, not the wake.
D
Make your recovery one that honours your dad
D
It's natural to grieve and feel sad and feel that sense of loss. Thats the way we process things and, eventually, move them.
Don't give in to the temptation to medicate that, it'll keep you stuck on the painful bit, in a loop, and you'll need more an more alcohol to medicate your pain.
I don't think it's rude to leave a wake early. I wouldn't even think it rude if you didn't go at all.
whatever society (or your addiction) tells you, I reckon the funeral is the important bit, not the wake.
D
Make your recovery one that honours your dad
D
I hope you'll stay sober. 
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
Louise39, you have my condolences on the loss of your father. Just muster up the courage not to drink over these trying times. Don't let anyone console you with booze. By all means express you feelings here, we all care and are listening. Rootin for ya. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: New York, New York
Posts: 600
Louis, please don’t drink. You will then be struck with grief AND have broken your sobriety. My dad died suddenly of a heart attack 16 years ago during those heavy drinking days. Looking back, I think now I would be grateful for the time we had & not as angry.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
have something to hold on to, Louise. both literally and figuratively.
so take a fizzy water bottle with you so nobody puts something else in your hand, or tea, or whatever.
and hold on to honouring your dad and yourself in walking through this soberly.
i am sorry for your loss and grief.
one step at a time, you can do this!
so take a fizzy water bottle with you so nobody puts something else in your hand, or tea, or whatever.
and hold on to honouring your dad and yourself in walking through this soberly.
i am sorry for your loss and grief.
one step at a time, you can do this!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
oh!
there is also no reason to start a new thread each time....some people just keep one going for weeks or months, and that keeps continuity for all and means you don't have to start fresh each time you want to interact.
there is also no reason to start a new thread each time....some people just keep one going for weeks or months, and that keeps continuity for all and means you don't have to start fresh each time you want to interact.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
I'm so sorry for your loss. How heartbreaking.
I hope you stay sober. Grieving is painful, but necessary. Drinking won't help you.
I don't think it's rude to leave early if you need to. People grieve in their own ways and if you have to leave, you should.
Take care.
I hope you stay sober. Grieving is painful, but necessary. Drinking won't help you.
I don't think it's rude to leave early if you need to. People grieve in their own ways and if you have to leave, you should.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
My heart goes out to you on the loss of you Dad.
I am sure this what your Dad wants for you and I believe he will be with you on the day of his funeral and always. He has just transitioned from the physical lane of existence.
I just recently recently reached out for the first time to my Dad,even though he passed 23 years ago, and his voice immediately filled my head saying "I am proud of you son."
Still gives me goosebumps. There is so much beyond our comprehension.
I want to honor his memory being sober and making something out of my life not getting wrecked in a pub
I just recently recently reached out for the first time to my Dad,even though he passed 23 years ago, and his voice immediately filled my head saying "I am proud of you son."
Still gives me goosebumps. There is so much beyond our comprehension.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Louise, I thought of you after you posted right after you knew about your dad...I am delighted you didn't drink then.
It is a big loss, one that fully deserves the sadness and grief. I think you have found the perfect way of honouring his memory as you say.
It is a big loss, one that fully deserves the sadness and grief. I think you have found the perfect way of honouring his memory as you say.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,668
My prayers and support to you over the passing of your dad, Louise.
- if you do not want to drink, perhaps say in memory of your dad, to honour him, to be your best- you do not have to give the raw reasons of why.
- do you have someone you can call during the wake (perhaps a 'toilet break', duck out for 5mins) to just say how you are going? Or even do it here- if you give SR people advanced notice...
I did that once moving from the very prelim stages of a recovery/rehab/housing program into a place that was important to me. I had a countdown and people in the class of March '16 group (my 'homegroup) helped by counting down with me.
If it is all too much- a plan of where you can go, to be with if you feel overwhelmed?
Remind others the wake is about your dad, not about whether you choose to drink or not- aside of that, you do not have to tell anyone anything.
- if you do not want to drink, perhaps say in memory of your dad, to honour him, to be your best- you do not have to give the raw reasons of why.
- do you have someone you can call during the wake (perhaps a 'toilet break', duck out for 5mins) to just say how you are going? Or even do it here- if you give SR people advanced notice...
I did that once moving from the very prelim stages of a recovery/rehab/housing program into a place that was important to me. I had a countdown and people in the class of March '16 group (my 'homegroup) helped by counting down with me.
If it is all too much- a plan of where you can go, to be with if you feel overwhelmed?
Remind others the wake is about your dad, not about whether you choose to drink or not- aside of that, you do not have to tell anyone anything.
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