KTB5000

It started with Nyquil...
Then extract from Vanilla, Maple, Rum, yes, even Lemon whilst baking treats and cooking wine whilst making savory meals...
It was supposed to be "just one weekend while my son is away and accounted for the next 3 days"..(because I'm sober and in control and I can handle it, of course!)..
It was supposed to be "just the weekend," as I've been very tense, and uptight in the last few and "in long need of a break"...
Now it's Day 1, everyday since then..

RATS!!!

What to do????

least

Get rid of any alcohol you have and don't get anymore. You know what to do, stay sober no matter what.

suki44883

You were sober for 4 months. What did you do back then? How were you able to not drink for those 4 months?

Sounds like you were planning on drinking and, like they say, relapse happens before you take that first drink. You need a plan for when those thoughts first pop up.

Dee74

Welcome back KTB - well coming back here is a good start.

I too thought that after some sober time, I'd be able to have the ';odd drink'...but I found out the hard way that abstinence is not the same as control.

Its a tough lesson to learn but a vital one.

Now if I start to think I can have the odd drink, or if I was to start swinging vanilla or lemon essence, or mouthwash, I'd know those things were a big flashing neon red stop sign for me.

Think of what you can add to what you've been doing to stay sober to make your recovery plan even better.

Delilah1

You start again. Logging in here was a good start, and getting rid of any alcohol is a good idea as well. Those days will start to add up again, you had a good amount of sober time, you can get it back again.

MantaLady

Throw out any alcohol you have, the NyQuil the rum extract and cooking wine and bolster up your recovery plan with the lessons you have learned. For me there is no way even at 16 months I would ever cook with wine at home, way too much temptation to just have a swig and justify it to myself.

We’ve all been there thinking after a period of time we can moderate and have a drink now and again as we’ve proved to ourselves we can “not” drink when we want to. But like Dee says, and for me it’s always been a harsh lesson to not confuse abstinence for control.

Ditch the alcohol, dust yourself off and re-start your sober engines! xx

Tailai

A psychiatrist once said to me when I wanted to moderate “you’d have be the one in a million”. And he was right. As an alcoholic we can’t control our drinking. Period. I had to have that belief, that drinking was not an option, not part of any plan to live a better life. You know you can do it. You’ve done it. I am rooting for you.

August252015

I'm glad you are back. This is def an example of how sneaky our disease is - starting off with the things that are normal or household for cooking or meds for a cold or....not the real stuff, right? And then...

This is also a great example of why I didn't keep or buy anything with alcohol when I got sober. I still don't cook with it, and have only recently eased a little bit about a restaurant dish that comes with unexpected alcohol in it, and usually stop when I realize. It's just not necessary and at the start, why put things in place that could take me to vodka which is where I'd go?

You know what to do. You can - and as often said, looking at what you did before to stay sober 4 mo (was it just white knuckling? Did you use any kind of program? so on) and trying something different, or the same with dedication and full commitment, as in the example of AA.

gypsytears

Welcome back. You’ve already gotten good advice so I’ll just lend my support here.

Lucinda2

KTB, I stopped drinking for 4 months last year too and it took me a lot of day 1s (nearly a year of them and a lot of tears on the way) to make it back. Sticking close to this forum and reading a lot of the AVRT stuff has been helping me.

You can do this. Someone on here said to me that it was important to believe that, anything less is just the addiction talking.

ChloeRose63

Sending support to you, too.
Our AV plans for the times that we think we can drink.
You need to prepare to fight before the dooms day comes. I still hear it every time my boyfriend says that he will be traveling for a few days. The AV starts dreaming of getting to the store...and walking down the alcohol aisle searching for whatever it might have a taste for...BIG MISTAKE! I never shop if I might be tempted!

Callas

Thank you for this post. It is another reminder that I can never drink again. I can never get too many reminders of this absolute fact. All the best in your recovery.

sydneyman

KTB5000

Thank you ALL for your support. Id say how much I feel like a failure, but I'm not ready for the encouraging backlash.

I would like to say to my fiancee, that I love him intensely and for him to have to bear with me is - well, remarkable.
.
You ALL are right. I WILL get through this and figure out what the hell was holding me down.
.
Honestly, life was just getting tough. I was running around like some worker-bee. At point I was tagged as 'a workhorse'. I stopped drinking and started baking. I WAS happy to be finally consumed with some activity other than liquor. Yet still, in the background of all this, I Did feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

And yes, to remind myself that it was my 'thinking' that failed me. Oh yes. (Sigh.....)

LadyBug66

I thought I was the only one that took a swig of vanilla extract! I make my own with vodka and vanilla beans. The day after I did that I felt so much shame! I kind of laugh about it now but then I just felt embarrassed and shameful.

D122y

No advice from me. The only reason I have made it this far is because I had ever lessoning agoraphobia for the last 4 years.

I blame the escalation on my dri king and am %100 aware it will come back even worse if I relapsed.

It is a gift and a curse. I am ok w that.

I only speak of this here. To the rest of the world, I just decided to quit because booze is poison.

Nobody but sr knows the hell I endured.

Thanks.

KTB5000

I think that's what I've been experiencing..ill need to remember it well going forward.

hope my therapy goes well this Tuesday.
and wishing everyone a safe , sober week

DriGuy

I'm not sure, but it sounds like you haven't adopted the concept of abstinence and lack a complete understanding of alcoholism.

You know what abstinence means, but you haven't brought it into your life, or you've brought in conditionally, "just one weekend while my son is away."

You know what alcoholism is, but only partially understand. You can't control alcoholism. No one can do that, because it doesn't go away. You do have control over is your refusal to drink, but that's all you can control. Happily, that's all you need. And once you adopt that into your life, you can begin the journey.

This may seem like a horrible dilemma with only two rotten alternatives to pick from (drink or not drink... ever). That's only one perception. Many people believe it to be a flawed perception. I believe it's flawed too.

sugarbear1

so, have you stopped drinking yet?

August252015

Ladybug - you do that NOW???