I used to feel scared all the time
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
I used to feel scared all the time
Before I quit drinking, I felt scared nearly all the time. I'd go to work Monday to Friday, do my 9-5 job as an artist, but not in the area I wanted to work in, unwind with a drink or two on Friday (which on many Fridays of course turned into a huge binge) then Saturday and Sunday would be morning to night drinking and lord knows how many cigarettes and disposable E-cigs smoked.
Most Mondays I would either go into work shaking, or not go at all. I'd sit at home, frightened about my dangerous drinking and often crying for fear of cigarettes killing me, drink killing me, losing my job, being so mean to my husband during a binge that he might leave me etc.
I quit my job in January 2018, quit smoking in April 2018 and quit alcohol in July 2018.
I've spent 14 months alcohol free and working on my portfolio (which was neglected due to working ten years in the wrong industry and being too drunk on weekends to work on personal art) preparing to go freelance. I was recently approached on Instagram to illustrate a book based on a popular videogame which I'm doing right now. Today a famous artist reviewed my portfolio on a live stream and said I should already be working at Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.
My life is so much better now that I don't live either in a drunken haze or in constant fear that my addictions may kill me. I'm more focused on my work, I'm much kinder to my husband, I have great memories of activities with friends because I'm now never drunk during them.
My dad is currently suffering from aggressive cancer and I'm sure the me of last year would have drunk over that. Instead, I am able to video call him any time (He lives in the UK and I'm now in the USA) I'm always available. Last year, good luck getting me to even text anyone back Friday-Monday.
I look forward to each day, rather than dreading them or wondering if I'll even make it to the following day. I love not feeling scared anymore.
Most Mondays I would either go into work shaking, or not go at all. I'd sit at home, frightened about my dangerous drinking and often crying for fear of cigarettes killing me, drink killing me, losing my job, being so mean to my husband during a binge that he might leave me etc.
I quit my job in January 2018, quit smoking in April 2018 and quit alcohol in July 2018.
I've spent 14 months alcohol free and working on my portfolio (which was neglected due to working ten years in the wrong industry and being too drunk on weekends to work on personal art) preparing to go freelance. I was recently approached on Instagram to illustrate a book based on a popular videogame which I'm doing right now. Today a famous artist reviewed my portfolio on a live stream and said I should already be working at Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.
My life is so much better now that I don't live either in a drunken haze or in constant fear that my addictions may kill me. I'm more focused on my work, I'm much kinder to my husband, I have great memories of activities with friends because I'm now never drunk during them.
My dad is currently suffering from aggressive cancer and I'm sure the me of last year would have drunk over that. Instead, I am able to video call him any time (He lives in the UK and I'm now in the USA) I'm always available. Last year, good luck getting me to even text anyone back Friday-Monday.
I look forward to each day, rather than dreading them or wondering if I'll even make it to the following day. I love not feeling scared anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Thank you so much for this post - what you have found now is beautiful. Not easy, of course- I am sorry about your dad and grateful you have been sober all this time; freedom is indeed one of the very best things we get once we find a new way of living.
Best to you with the new project- how wonderful to find your own art making its way to reality!!
Best to you with the new project- how wonderful to find your own art making its way to reality!!
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
I admire what you're doing.
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
That fear you wrote about is something I was feeling while drinking.
I would get waves of fear where my heart would start racing. I went into fight or flight many times for years.
Somehow through it all I managed to hold down a job and not get arrested or worse.
Now sober this long, the fear has pretty much dissipated. I still get nervous, but now I feel much more confident.
My boss at work reminded me today, semi joking, that once you are on his bad side, there is no getting out, no matter how hard you try. It is not how I operated, but he has had tons of success with this as it has earned him promtions in a tough line of work. Just because I don't agree with something, doesn't make it wrong.
I now can remind myself that I can only control me. If somebody doesn't like me, I can try to work it out, but I shouldn't decide I hate them over it.
I believe in myself, that doesn't me anyone else has to.
Thanks.
I would get waves of fear where my heart would start racing. I went into fight or flight many times for years.
Somehow through it all I managed to hold down a job and not get arrested or worse.
Now sober this long, the fear has pretty much dissipated. I still get nervous, but now I feel much more confident.
My boss at work reminded me today, semi joking, that once you are on his bad side, there is no getting out, no matter how hard you try. It is not how I operated, but he has had tons of success with this as it has earned him promtions in a tough line of work. Just because I don't agree with something, doesn't make it wrong.
I now can remind myself that I can only control me. If somebody doesn't like me, I can try to work it out, but I shouldn't decide I hate them over it.
I believe in myself, that doesn't me anyone else has to.
Thanks.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Thank you for sharing Nerf, sorry to hear about your father.
Like many I can relate to the pain - fear and shame mostly - that accompanies the life of a drunk. For me it was also this constant feeling of being a fraud, that the other shoe was soon to drop, that I was going to be "found out". It makes sense that I felt this way - empty bottles hidden, lies being told to loved ones, black outs etc. But it's also taken some time, even sober time, to get from under that black cloud.
Thanks again for the post Nerf. Good reminder of where we were and where we can get to.
Like many I can relate to the pain - fear and shame mostly - that accompanies the life of a drunk. For me it was also this constant feeling of being a fraud, that the other shoe was soon to drop, that I was going to be "found out". It makes sense that I felt this way - empty bottles hidden, lies being told to loved ones, black outs etc. But it's also taken some time, even sober time, to get from under that black cloud.
Thanks again for the post Nerf. Good reminder of where we were and where we can get to.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by ColoradoRocky 
I admire what you're doing.
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
Over this past summer, I was taken aback that my mom brought up thoughts about my being fearful now. It gave me pause as I don't tend to think of myself that way (anymore). I believe at different points in sobriety, examining what this word (truly, this concept) means is important for me. Haven't figured it out yet, btw
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by ColoradoRocky
I admire what you're doing.
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
It's a funny thing about fear and alcoholics. My experience, including my own, is that alcoholics are irrationally afraid of things that wouldn't faze most people, but are fearless when it comes to life-threatening dangers that should and do terrify most people!
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by D122y
I would get waves of fear where my heart would start racing. I went into fight or flight many times for years.
Somehow through it all I managed to hold down a job and not get arrested or worse.
Now sober this long, the fear has pretty much dissipated. I still get nervous, but now I feel much more confident.
Somehow through it all I managed to hold down a job and not get arrested or worse.
Now sober this long, the fear has pretty much dissipated. I still get nervous, but now I feel much more confident.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,806
Thanks for posting this, Nerf. I was also living in fear when I still drank. Alcohol does goofy things to our brains - I was always prone to anxiety, even as a kid, but the addition of alcohol to the mix made me a complete mess of fear, anxiety, and depression. But it was irrational a lot of the time - Like Colorado said - I was afraid of shadows but then I'd go get drunk and put myself in truly dangerous situations without giving it a thought. Now I still get anxious sometimes, but I'd consider it almost normal now - at least it's not bad enough where I feel like I need medication anymore. And I've learned ways to deal with the anxiety when it comes up.
You really are talented, judging by the avatar. I wish you the best in the future with your art!
And wishing the best for your dad, too.
You really are talented, judging by the avatar. I wish you the best in the future with your art!
And wishing the best for your dad, too.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 513
Originally Posted by ardy
Nerfthis.. so very very proud of you. and all that you do.. golly.. so proud to have met you and know that your Art is going to sparkle with life.. and hope..
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