My eldest doesn't want to stay with EXAH
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My eldest doesn't want to stay with EXAH
This probably doesn't belong here but I feel like it's the most active page.
KID 1 is only 4yrs. He's been in tears the days EXAH picks him up. It was a regular thing, then it stopped and now it's started up again. I showed some video to a child psychologist and she's really concerned. This is not a child, 'acting out', this is a child in 'distress'. He completly shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. He says he just wants to stay at my house forever, cos he loves me, cos we play. All I've been able to get out of him is that it's not the stuff we do outside the house (pool, beach), he wants to be with me at my house, playing, doing arts and crafts.
What do I do? Lawyers aren't going to give a flying ****. Neither will EXAH. He gets annoyed with KID1 for getting upset. Shows no sympathy. Child psychologist says EXAH is definitely a narcissist too. Oh yippee!
All I can do is record, document. I'm at my wits end. I've been left with no power to protect my kids because of the courts.
Anybody else had success freeing kids from this crap.
KID 1 is only 4yrs. He's been in tears the days EXAH picks him up. It was a regular thing, then it stopped and now it's started up again. I showed some video to a child psychologist and she's really concerned. This is not a child, 'acting out', this is a child in 'distress'. He completly shuts down when I try to talk to him about it. He says he just wants to stay at my house forever, cos he loves me, cos we play. All I've been able to get out of him is that it's not the stuff we do outside the house (pool, beach), he wants to be with me at my house, playing, doing arts and crafts.
What do I do? Lawyers aren't going to give a flying ****. Neither will EXAH. He gets annoyed with KID1 for getting upset. Shows no sympathy. Child psychologist says EXAH is definitely a narcissist too. Oh yippee!
All I can do is record, document. I'm at my wits end. I've been left with no power to protect my kids because of the courts.
Anybody else had success freeing kids from this crap.
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At that age it's really hard. Maybe you could take your child to a child psychologist?
In comparison, my child is almost 4 and is almost the exact opposite--he cries when I pick him up from EXAH. He wants to stay with his dad because his dad lets him do whatever and eat whatever he wants, and gives him 100% of his attention, whereas mom has rules and sometimes has to make dinner instead of play cars. I wouldn't say he is hysterical, though. But I often hear "I want to go to my dads house forever."
Have you facetimed him while he is with his dad? Does he get really emotional when you do that or does he seem content after he gets there? Sometimes transitions are hard.
In comparison, my child is almost 4 and is almost the exact opposite--he cries when I pick him up from EXAH. He wants to stay with his dad because his dad lets him do whatever and eat whatever he wants, and gives him 100% of his attention, whereas mom has rules and sometimes has to make dinner instead of play cars. I wouldn't say he is hysterical, though. But I often hear "I want to go to my dads house forever."
Have you facetimed him while he is with his dad? Does he get really emotional when you do that or does he seem content after he gets there? Sometimes transitions are hard.
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Originally Posted by AutumnMama 
At that age it's really hard. Maybe you could take your child to a child psychologist?
In comparison, my child is almost 4 and is almost the exact opposite--he cries when I pick him up from EXAH. He wants to stay with his dad because his dad lets him do whatever and eat whatever he wants, and gives him 100% of his attention, whereas mom has rules and sometimes has to make dinner instead of play cars. I wouldn't say he is hysterical, though. But I often hear "I want to go to my dads house forever."
Have you facetimed him while he is with his dad? Does he get really emotional when you do that or does he seem content after he gets there? Sometimes transitions are hard.
In comparison, my child is almost 4 and is almost the exact opposite--he cries when I pick him up from EXAH. He wants to stay with his dad because his dad lets him do whatever and eat whatever he wants, and gives him 100% of his attention, whereas mom has rules and sometimes has to make dinner instead of play cars. I wouldn't say he is hysterical, though. But I often hear "I want to go to my dads house forever."
Have you facetimed him while he is with his dad? Does he get really emotional when you do that or does he seem content after he gets there? Sometimes transitions are hard.
In the past EXAH has asked me not to buy the kids toys - QUACK
Complained that I don't discipline them-DOUBLE QUACK
There's no face time, it would probably really upset KID1 as he'll want to go home to me. It's not in the parenting order so there's no way I'll get it in now.
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My heart just hurts for you and your DS. My DD usto literally howl on her way to her dads. I got her in counseling, pronto. It did help so much. She was older than your DS, 7 years old. It was hard, but we made it through and today (she is now 13), she is rock strong. She is calm and amazing. She does not panic. I am amazed at the person she has grown into.
I just wanted to share that because I knew at that time I was absolutely terrified my kid was going to be scarred for life.
Keep it up on the work around and just make sure kid knows you are there for him and that none of it us his fault. Make your time the best time possible, and don't talk negative about dad to kid as that does not help. Not saying you do that, I've no idea. I just know that's a big thing for kids.
Sending you a big supportive hug!
I just wanted to share that because I knew at that time I was absolutely terrified my kid was going to be scarred for life.
Keep it up on the work around and just make sure kid knows you are there for him and that none of it us his fault. Make your time the best time possible, and don't talk negative about dad to kid as that does not help. Not saying you do that, I've no idea. I just know that's a big thing for kids.
Sending you a big supportive hug!
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So, just a thought, I'm guessing ExAH isn't really enjoying any of this either. Now, he may want to continue with the visitation schedule as is (perhaps to spite you, perhaps because he really likes being around the kiddies, I don't know), however he might respond positively to a bit of a change?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So, just a thought, I'm guessing ExAH isn't really enjoying any of this either. Now, he may want to continue with the visitation schedule as is (perhaps to spite you, perhaps because he really likes being around the kiddies, I don't know), however he might respond positively to a bit of a change?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
Ye, I honestly don't know. I feel like he does a lot of stuff to save face-to demonstrate to the world that his drinking isn't a problem cos he still has the kids.
He certaintly doesn't rock up to my place full of the joys of the world, hasn't seen em for 2 full days so I'd expect more 'bounce'. There's a lot of stuff he doesn't do for the kids that just show he doesn't really know how to care.. Or just isn't bother. Anytime I mention anything (kids needing jackets when it's cold outside).. Repeatedly. He gets really defensive and tries to deflect by nit picking at me.
Im kinda just waiting for EXAH to suggest kids stay with me. If I suggest anything he's likely to get really defensive. But at the same time I'm trying to give him an 'opening'. We're completely NC, no small talk. An opening, segway will be tricky.
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Well...
“Kid says he’s not feeling too great and he’s a little pale, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. I hear there’s a norovirus going around, so if he starts actually vomiting or the diarrhea gets really bad, text me and I’ll come get him.”
The ex might just choose to let him stay home?
(I feel for your child...it’s not cool to lie but being forced to upset him this much over these visits is wrong.)
“Kid says he’s not feeling too great and he’s a little pale, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. I hear there’s a norovirus going around, so if he starts actually vomiting or the diarrhea gets really bad, text me and I’ll come get him.”
The ex might just choose to let him stay home?
(I feel for your child...it’s not cool to lie but being forced to upset him this much over these visits is wrong.)
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The "sick" thing could work for short term, but what about long term? Does your EXAH have them on consistent days every week? Could you agree to sign your child up for an after school activity that occurs those days? It might be an excuse for him to have a break, and your child to have some fun? Gymnastics, Karate, a sport of some kind, dance, etc.
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I agree with this too. It gets better as they progressively get older as they get more busy. For example, this month we have school activities and sports a huge amount of the time. We also have a weekend camp. XAH does not want to be responsible for dragging kid to all of these events, nor can he say anything when they fall on his weekends.
I will say this. He has gotten better with time. He does seem to realize kid is getting older and will be more busy, so he does let her go to events and such even on his weekends. For example, she went to a local game she did not play in last weekend on his time. She did not get to his house until 11pm and he was ok with that, as long as he did not have to pick her up.
As times goes, this is a win/win as the time they spend together dwindles down. I have to admit, my XAH is making an effort to make the time they do spend together more quality time, which is also a win.
It's taken a LONG time to get where we are, but we are all in a pretty good place now (I just knocked on wood).
There is hope, I promise!
I will say this. He has gotten better with time. He does seem to realize kid is getting older and will be more busy, so he does let her go to events and such even on his weekends. For example, she went to a local game she did not play in last weekend on his time. She did not get to his house until 11pm and he was ok with that, as long as he did not have to pick her up.
As times goes, this is a win/win as the time they spend together dwindles down. I have to admit, my XAH is making an effort to make the time they do spend together more quality time, which is also a win.
It's taken a LONG time to get where we are, but we are all in a pretty good place now (I just knocked on wood).
There is hope, I promise!
Originally Posted by AutumnMama
The "sick" thing could work for short term, but what about long term? Does your EXAH have them on consistent days every week? Could you agree to sign your child up for an after school activity that occurs those days? It might be an excuse for him to have a break, and your child to have some fun? Gymnastics, Karate, a sport of some kind, dance, etc.
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Yeah, unfortunately his enabler is still knocking around. She's probably doing a lot of the heavy lifting. KID1 still doesn't mention her and she doesn't come up as part of the problem for not staying with EXAH. My fellow mum's who see more of her at KID related stuff on EXAH'S access days say she's completely submissive, keeps her distance and blanks the mums who talk to her. (these mums are all my mates, but EXAH and enabler have no clue who's in my network).
I could try the sick card, but it would have to be for both kids. Evening activities might work.. As long as enabler is there pulling her weight he can keep up the pretty picture. The time they split he had me babysitting my own kids... And we did stuff together on EXAH'S day cos he couldn't handle them for a full day on his own
I don't think this idiot woman truly understand the harm her enabling is hurting my kids.
I could try the sick card, but it would have to be for both kids. Evening activities might work.. As long as enabler is there pulling her weight he can keep up the pretty picture. The time they split he had me babysitting my own kids... And we did stuff together on EXAH'S day cos he couldn't handle them for a full day on his own
I don't think this idiot woman truly understand the harm her enabling is hurting my kids.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
My heart just hurts for you and your DS. My DD usto literally howl on her way to her dads. I got her in counseling, pronto. It did help so much. She was older than your DS, 7 years old. It was hard, but we made it through and today (she is now 13), she is rock strong. She is calm and amazing. She does not panic. I am amazed at the person she has grown into.
I just wanted to share that because I knew at that time I was absolutely terrified my kid was going to be scarred for life.
Keep it up on the work around and just make sure kid knows you are there for him and that none of it us his fault. Make your time the best time possible, and don't talk negative about dad to kid as that does not help. Not saying you do that, I've no idea. I just know that's a big thing for kids.
Sending you a big supportive hug!
I just wanted to share that because I knew at that time I was absolutely terrified my kid was going to be scarred for life.
Keep it up on the work around and just make sure kid knows you are there for him and that none of it us his fault. Make your time the best time possible, and don't talk negative about dad to kid as that does not help. Not saying you do that, I've no idea. I just know that's a big thing for kids.
Sending you a big supportive hug!
Ye, I never talk badly about their dad. I don't bring him up but I answer any questions and he's still mentioned in stories, songs. But it's more the' role'of a dad. I'm pretty sure EXAH speaks poorly of me.. Shooting himself in the foot.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So, just a thought, I'm guessing ExAH isn't really enjoying any of this either. Now, he may want to continue with the visitation schedule as is (perhaps to spite you, perhaps because he really likes being around the kiddies, I don't know), however he might respond positively to a bit of a change?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
Perhaps a suggestion that unhappy child stay home today because HE doesn't need the extra hassle of an upset child, since HE needs some RandR himself? That this obviously is not working out well for HIM because child A is too young to really understand. That perhaps it would be better if he had visitation at your house or if child A just stayed home? Do "we" really need someone else telling us what is best for our child, you know him much better etc etc
I don't know how invested he truly is in visitation with your children, but there may be a way to work this out?
Just tried that. KID 1 was OK going this morning. Didn't want to go but wasn't in tears. EXAH just picked them up slightly later. I was able to mention that I don't work weekends anymore so if KID1 was crook and if EXAH needed to work he could drop him back to me. Until EXAH sees this as being something he has to prove.. It'll continue. KID1 finally admitted to be bored and just doesn't want to be there anymore or stay overnight.
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So long as there's no abuse I firmly believe in both parents having equal opportunity to mess their kids up and I say that only half jokingly because there is a quote that goes. "Our parents mess or the first half of our lives and our kids mess up the second half".
With that said, if he's a narc, why does he want the child there at all? What's he getting out of it? Is he dressing the child up nicely to show him off and get social media point or points with a girl he likes? What do you see as his motivation for even spending time with his child?
Overall these situations are really tough to navigate in a forum because perceptions and perspectives are really tough to convey. If he were posting he would frame it all very differently. I would tell you if there's no abuse, no drugs, no drinking and driving with the child and no threat of harm. If all there is is that you don't like how he spends his time with his child that's sadly just something you're going to have to watch play out as it's between the two of them.
Good luck, been there done that, unfun!
With that said, if he's a narc, why does he want the child there at all? What's he getting out of it? Is he dressing the child up nicely to show him off and get social media point or points with a girl he likes? What do you see as his motivation for even spending time with his child?
Overall these situations are really tough to navigate in a forum because perceptions and perspectives are really tough to convey. If he were posting he would frame it all very differently. I would tell you if there's no abuse, no drugs, no drinking and driving with the child and no threat of harm. If all there is is that you don't like how he spends his time with his child that's sadly just something you're going to have to watch play out as it's between the two of them.
Good luck, been there done that, unfun!
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Originally Posted by HealthyLimits
So long as there's no abuse I firmly believe in both parents having equal opportunity to mess their kids up and I say that only half jokingly because there is a quote that goes. "Our parents mess or the first half of our lives and our kids mess up the second half".
With that said, if he's a narc, why does he want the child there at all? What's he getting out of it? Is he dressing the child up nicely to show him off and get social media point or points with a girl he likes? What do you see as his motivation for even spending time with his child?
Overall these situations are really tough to navigate in a forum because perceptions and perspectives are really tough to convey. If he were posting he would frame it all very differently. I would tell you if there's no abuse, no drugs, no drinking and driving with the child and no threat of harm. If all there is is that you don't like how he spends his time with his child that's sadly just something you're going to have to watch play out as it's between the two of them.
Good luck, been there done that, unfun!
With that said, if he's a narc, why does he want the child there at all? What's he getting out of it? Is he dressing the child up nicely to show him off and get social media point or points with a girl he likes? What do you see as his motivation for even spending time with his child?
Overall these situations are really tough to navigate in a forum because perceptions and perspectives are really tough to convey. If he were posting he would frame it all very differently. I would tell you if there's no abuse, no drugs, no drinking and driving with the child and no threat of harm. If all there is is that you don't like how he spends his time with his child that's sadly just something you're going to have to watch play out as it's between the two of them.
Good luck, been there done that, unfun!
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Originally Posted by Milano58
He's an aggressive alcoholic who's drinking again. He's had multiple DUIs, Asbos, trespassing. This is not a nice quiet drunk. He's court ordered to NOT drink around the kids due to his problematic drinking but he's made it quite clear what he thinks of lawyers telling him what to do. So unfortunately there is a threat of harm.. I was assaulted by him. He gets beligerant when sober/drunk/ tired. And yells... I joke around on this forum a lot and probably make too light of my situation. But my kids deserve better than a ticking time bomb.
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Originally Posted by HealthyLimits
As much as that sucks that also makes it much easier for you, records, recordings, videos, call the police, if he's drinking and driving, call the police, if you've been assaulted press charges, if he's late note the time and date. Anything you can do to back up what you're saying serve you well.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Family court is a joke honestly. I am surprised that your therapist was surprised.
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