BF is lying about using Ice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 1
BF is lying about using Ice
Hello everyone,
I am here to get some words of advise. I met my boyfriend 10 months ago, we started as friends until we made it official. 3 months later I find out I am expecting a child come December 2019.
In the beginning we both agreed that we were against drugs. His only red flag was that he drank, and I mean alot (48 hour benders). My first trimester consisted of him having boys nights which would turn into 48hrs. I'd end up stressing and find my self in hospital getting checked out or at the doctors making sure bub is ok.
I am now near the end of my second trimester, I've seen his mood swings, cravings for beer, sleepless nights etc and never in my wildest dreams thought he'd be using drugs until one night I found it on him. I asked him what it was, he said ice and that he wasn't using but wanted to sell it to make some money for baby stuff. I straight up didnt believe him.
Earlier that night we were at my mum's (my mum is a closet ice user) celebrating our gender reveal. At about 8pm I asked him could we go soon to which he said he was having fun so an hour. I asked come 9:30 as I was in pain from cramps and lack of sleep. He flat out refused, confused I stated I'd waited an extra hour and a half. He says he was talking to my mum and wanted 15 more minutes... I thought nothing of it, gave him 15 minutes to which a Ute pulled up in the drive, dropped something off and left. Finally it's 11pm I ask one last time and he says ok. Then I found it and pieced it all together.
What should I do, I have 12 weeks until my baby is due. Do I leave or try to get him help?
Kind regards FeelsSoLonely.
I am here to get some words of advise. I met my boyfriend 10 months ago, we started as friends until we made it official. 3 months later I find out I am expecting a child come December 2019.
In the beginning we both agreed that we were against drugs. His only red flag was that he drank, and I mean alot (48 hour benders). My first trimester consisted of him having boys nights which would turn into 48hrs. I'd end up stressing and find my self in hospital getting checked out or at the doctors making sure bub is ok.
I am now near the end of my second trimester, I've seen his mood swings, cravings for beer, sleepless nights etc and never in my wildest dreams thought he'd be using drugs until one night I found it on him. I asked him what it was, he said ice and that he wasn't using but wanted to sell it to make some money for baby stuff. I straight up didnt believe him.
Earlier that night we were at my mum's (my mum is a closet ice user) celebrating our gender reveal. At about 8pm I asked him could we go soon to which he said he was having fun so an hour. I asked come 9:30 as I was in pain from cramps and lack of sleep. He flat out refused, confused I stated I'd waited an extra hour and a half. He says he was talking to my mum and wanted 15 more minutes... I thought nothing of it, gave him 15 minutes to which a Ute pulled up in the drive, dropped something off and left. Finally it's 11pm I ask one last time and he says ok. Then I found it and pieced it all together.
What should I do, I have 12 weeks until my baby is due. Do I leave or try to get him help?
Kind regards FeelsSoLonely.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,865
Please, PLEASE don't bring a baby into a home where there is active addiction. This guy doesn't even care enough to take you home when you are hurting. He is in no way fit to be a father. The last thing you or an innocent baby need is the nightmare of living with an addict.
You cannot get him help. He has to want help and if he does, he needs to get himself help.
You cannot get him help. He has to want help and if he does, he needs to get himself help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you need to get out and AWAY from this man. but if your mom also is a drug user, you can't go there. where else can you go? you and this baby need a clean, healthy, calm environment.
your child must be your only concern now. please make that choice.
your child must be your only concern now. please make that choice.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 471
FeelSoLonely
My heart aches for you. Before I get into any advice, please just let me say how sad I am that instead of this being a time of joy and mutual support, your bf addiction is polluting everything. It is just plain sad and I feel for you.
At the same time, you are an adult and now have adult responsibility - for yourself and this baby - regardless of whether he straightens out or not.
Since you are asking for straight up advice, I will tell you what I think. If some of it seems harsh, I don't mean it to be. It's just that I have had 15 years experience with an ice (meth) addict and been posting on this site for over 10 years, so I've seen a few things...
My addict's (niece) drug of choice was meth (Ice). I'm guessing that since you have already seen many red flags in this relationship so far, but have stayed, that you may need more than some simple advice on this site to figure this out. So my first bit of advice is to run, don't walk, to the nearest NarAnon or other 12 step group for people dealing with addicts - you are going to need it, no matter what you choose.
Also, read the stickies on this site and buy a book about addiction - you are in for a roller coaster ride --and lies, manipulation, abuse and chaos are all part of the package - it helps if you know what you're dealing with.
If you have the means to leave, I'd say - unless you want to drag your child through a roller coaster of insanity - yes, leave.
You can't get him help if he does not desperately want it for his OWN reasons. If he was begging you to get him help - maybe, but getting help for an addict who is not sick to death of "the lifestyle" of drugs is just plain futile, costly, wasteful and distracting. So, no, my advice is not to try to get him help - focus on getting yourself some help.
In terms of other advice...You have a precious, innocent and vulnerable life living inside you. If you plan to stay with a meth addict (but before you marry him or something), consider contacting adoption agencies in your area and think about finding a family for your child who will provide a normal, 2- parent, non-drug, not alcohol environment for him/her.
Why do I say this? My addict, along with countless others discussed on this site, spent years - yes years - struggling with meth addiction. Over the last 15 years, my addict has been in and out of rehab more times than I can count, in jail multiple times, lost jobs, wrecked cars, suffered from drug induced psychosis, is now in debt up to her eyeballs after filing bankruptcy, and that's just the headlines. So if you stay with this man, this child's life will be insane and cause countless damage as the child grows and you are left to deal with the fallout from his addiction. (Consider how your own mother's addiction might have predisposed you to be OK with behavior that other women would have rejected in the first 3 months of being with this man).
If you don't want to give the baby up, consider the fact that if the "father" of your child won't even quit partying long enough to take you home when you are not feeling well, it is unlikely that he will be any better with a child - the added burden of feeding, being up all night, diaper changes, increase cost, etc. is not likely going to make him more attentive.
Addiction is chronic and progressive (unless a person is in active recover and sober/abstaining) - that means it gets worse over time. So whatever increase in dysfunctional behavior you've seen since you met this man, expect it to continue to deteriorate unless and until he seeks help.
So unless he hits bottom and decides of his own free will that he wants to get clean, you will be on your own with this baby. Either with him dealing with his addiction, or on your own as a single parent. The latter might actually be easier.
So next bit of advice - if you are working, figure out how you will manage on your own. If you are not working, contact your local welfare, family services or other agencies to see what type of help you can get with this. If you leave him and keep the baby, you are going to need help. If your mom is a closet ice user, then she'll likely be unreliable (if not now, then as her addiction progresses). I know a wonderful single mother who, with the help of social services, raised two beautiful children. It can be done.
Prayers you find a way out of this. I am so sad that you are going through this. In my opinion, this problem is not primarily about him - it is first about the baby and the baby's welfare, second about you and your welfare - and if he is not mature enough to step up to that, addiction will drag him down and you with it.
Good Luck!
My heart aches for you. Before I get into any advice, please just let me say how sad I am that instead of this being a time of joy and mutual support, your bf addiction is polluting everything. It is just plain sad and I feel for you.
At the same time, you are an adult and now have adult responsibility - for yourself and this baby - regardless of whether he straightens out or not.
Since you are asking for straight up advice, I will tell you what I think. If some of it seems harsh, I don't mean it to be. It's just that I have had 15 years experience with an ice (meth) addict and been posting on this site for over 10 years, so I've seen a few things...
My addict's (niece) drug of choice was meth (Ice). I'm guessing that since you have already seen many red flags in this relationship so far, but have stayed, that you may need more than some simple advice on this site to figure this out. So my first bit of advice is to run, don't walk, to the nearest NarAnon or other 12 step group for people dealing with addicts - you are going to need it, no matter what you choose.
Also, read the stickies on this site and buy a book about addiction - you are in for a roller coaster ride --and lies, manipulation, abuse and chaos are all part of the package - it helps if you know what you're dealing with.
If you have the means to leave, I'd say - unless you want to drag your child through a roller coaster of insanity - yes, leave.
You can't get him help if he does not desperately want it for his OWN reasons. If he was begging you to get him help - maybe, but getting help for an addict who is not sick to death of "the lifestyle" of drugs is just plain futile, costly, wasteful and distracting. So, no, my advice is not to try to get him help - focus on getting yourself some help.
In terms of other advice...You have a precious, innocent and vulnerable life living inside you. If you plan to stay with a meth addict (but before you marry him or something), consider contacting adoption agencies in your area and think about finding a family for your child who will provide a normal, 2- parent, non-drug, not alcohol environment for him/her.
Why do I say this? My addict, along with countless others discussed on this site, spent years - yes years - struggling with meth addiction. Over the last 15 years, my addict has been in and out of rehab more times than I can count, in jail multiple times, lost jobs, wrecked cars, suffered from drug induced psychosis, is now in debt up to her eyeballs after filing bankruptcy, and that's just the headlines. So if you stay with this man, this child's life will be insane and cause countless damage as the child grows and you are left to deal with the fallout from his addiction. (Consider how your own mother's addiction might have predisposed you to be OK with behavior that other women would have rejected in the first 3 months of being with this man).
If you don't want to give the baby up, consider the fact that if the "father" of your child won't even quit partying long enough to take you home when you are not feeling well, it is unlikely that he will be any better with a child - the added burden of feeding, being up all night, diaper changes, increase cost, etc. is not likely going to make him more attentive.
Addiction is chronic and progressive (unless a person is in active recover and sober/abstaining) - that means it gets worse over time. So whatever increase in dysfunctional behavior you've seen since you met this man, expect it to continue to deteriorate unless and until he seeks help.
So unless he hits bottom and decides of his own free will that he wants to get clean, you will be on your own with this baby. Either with him dealing with his addiction, or on your own as a single parent. The latter might actually be easier.
So next bit of advice - if you are working, figure out how you will manage on your own. If you are not working, contact your local welfare, family services or other agencies to see what type of help you can get with this. If you leave him and keep the baby, you are going to need help. If your mom is a closet ice user, then she'll likely be unreliable (if not now, then as her addiction progresses). I know a wonderful single mother who, with the help of social services, raised two beautiful children. It can be done.
Prayers you find a way out of this. I am so sad that you are going through this. In my opinion, this problem is not primarily about him - it is first about the baby and the baby's welfare, second about you and your welfare - and if he is not mature enough to step up to that, addiction will drag him down and you with it.
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
He doesn't want help, so that's out of the question. You can't "get" anyone help.
If you choose to stay, be prepared for some extreme gaslighting. He's already shown you that he will not be honest about his drug use. After a while, you'll want so badly to believe his lies that you'll start to doubt what you see right in front of your face. You risk going to jail, losing your child, losing friends and family, and losing yourself.
Totally up to you.
If you choose to stay, be prepared for some extreme gaslighting. He's already shown you that he will not be honest about his drug use. After a while, you'll want so badly to believe his lies that you'll start to doubt what you see right in front of your face. You risk going to jail, losing your child, losing friends and family, and losing yourself.
Totally up to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
He has not given any indication to wanting help. You cannot make somone want help.
What you can do is help yourself and your child. If you think being pregnant in this environment is bad, just wait until you have an actual child that you have to protect from the fallout.
Get out, and do it quickly. That's my two cents for what it's worth. You and your child deserve more.
What you can do is help yourself and your child. If you think being pregnant in this environment is bad, just wait until you have an actual child that you have to protect from the fallout.
Get out, and do it quickly. That's my two cents for what it's worth. You and your child deserve more.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
There are parents on this forum who's small children have tested positive for drugs simply from being in the same space with drug users. I can't imagine this is what you would want for your precious baby.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
FSL
I am very sorry to read your post. I am sorry for your circumstance.
I hope you take some time to read up on Ice / Meth addiction. Its best to be informed.
Years ago Meth was manufactured in small home type labs. However today it is manufactured by the big main stream drug cartels. Markets all over the world are flooded with cheap pure high strength drug. I have also read about super Meth which is laced with Fentanyl (a dangerous synthetic opioid) Ice /meth is an extremely addictive & destructive drug.
I hope you find a way to detach yourself from your BF. As you have a seen first hand, any attempt at having close relationship with a Meth addict is going to end & most likely end in disaster.
Please take care.
I am very sorry to read your post. I am sorry for your circumstance.
I hope you take some time to read up on Ice / Meth addiction. Its best to be informed.
Years ago Meth was manufactured in small home type labs. However today it is manufactured by the big main stream drug cartels. Markets all over the world are flooded with cheap pure high strength drug. I have also read about super Meth which is laced with Fentanyl (a dangerous synthetic opioid) Ice /meth is an extremely addictive & destructive drug.
I hope you find a way to detach yourself from your BF. As you have a seen first hand, any attempt at having close relationship with a Meth addict is going to end & most likely end in disaster.
Please take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by SmallButMighty 
There are parents on this forum who's small children have tested positive for drugs simply from being in the same space with drug users. I can't imagine this is what you would want for your precious baby.
I hope you can find a safe place to get away to.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
All wise words of advice above. All I will add is that the only person who has no part in your decision is the person who will need you to keep him/her safe most of all. The baby deserves to live in a home free of drugs and active addicts.
I've been waiting for my son to change for over 20 years and last heard, he was just released from prison and continues his journey through hell. How do you see yourself spending the next 20 years? You have a choice, please make a wise one, your baby's life may depend on it. It may hurt to leave...I guarantee that it will hurt more to stay.
Keeping you in my prayers.
I've been waiting for my son to change for over 20 years and last heard, he was just released from prison and continues his journey through hell. How do you see yourself spending the next 20 years? You have a choice, please make a wise one, your baby's life may depend on it. It may hurt to leave...I guarantee that it will hurt more to stay.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Dear woman - I am so glad you found this place. There are so many wise people here.
The one good piece of news in all of this is that you CAN leave now. If you feel you cannot afford to leave, please recognize that you truly cannot really afford to stay with someone in addiction and raise your child. If you do not leave, you will likely lose your child, your safety and your sanity.
That precious life inside of you should be your only focus now. You cannot "fix" him but you can be a good mother and take care of your child and you can have happiness by choosing to leave. If you do not have a support system, please do not hesitate to seek out help through women's shelters, churches in your area, etc. There are people everywhere that are willing to help if you just ask.
Please stick around here and take hope and support from these people. It is lifesaving.
The one good piece of news in all of this is that you CAN leave now. If you feel you cannot afford to leave, please recognize that you truly cannot really afford to stay with someone in addiction and raise your child. If you do not leave, you will likely lose your child, your safety and your sanity.
That precious life inside of you should be your only focus now. You cannot "fix" him but you can be a good mother and take care of your child and you can have happiness by choosing to leave. If you do not have a support system, please do not hesitate to seek out help through women's shelters, churches in your area, etc. There are people everywhere that are willing to help if you just ask.
Please stick around here and take hope and support from these people. It is lifesaving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Originally Posted by trailmix
Yes and his child was taken away by CPS
I know of at least one more, but I don't want to say who. They can chime in if they choose to. I'm sure there are probably many more who don't ever talk about it. Heartbreaking stuff.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by suki44883
Please, PLEASE don't bring a baby into a home where there is active addiction. This guy doesn't even care enough to take you home when you are hurting. He is in no way fit to be a father. The last thing you or an innocent baby need is the nightmare of living with an addict.
You cannot get him help. He has to want help and if he does, he needs to get himself help.
You cannot get him help. He has to want help and if he does, he needs to get himself help.
Get out immediately.
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