AutumnMama

Had a weird session with therapist and I was wondering if you guys could talk me through this.

Lately at sessions I've been mostly talking about how to deal with not having my son around as much as I did before. And general feeling of being a crappy mom (me vs disney land dad). Anyway, this therapist is an addiction specialist and knows the entire history of my ex husband, as well as all of the (I'll admit) circumstantial evidence of him replacing alcohol with other drugs since quitting drinking. And all of the money being drained from his bank account.

Me: I'm trying to enjoy my weekends to myself because I don't think my ex husband can be this functional forever (meaning maybe at some point he wont be functional enough to watch our son)

Him: You don't know that. You don't have any proof that he's doing anything wrong.

Me: (taken aback) What good things could someone be doing withdrawing $$$ from ATMs multiple times a week?

Him: maybe he enjoys a cash free lifestyle. maybe he uses it to buy groceries.

Me: I don't think so... I think he replacing drinking with adderall and strip clubs/gambling/etc. And I don't see how that is sustainable for the long term.

Him: You have no proof of that.

Me: I have my gut.

Him: Not sure that's hard evidence.

etc. It went on like that for a while and it felt weird. It felt like he was projecting something onto me because the past couple months he has had the opposite point of view than what he was saying during this session

Maybe if I came in there still obsessing over whether or not he was doing something, and he was trying to say "that's not your problem anymore, stop worrying about it." But that's not what I was doing!

I don't know if he has a history of addiction and is struggling with something personal right now... but I don't think I want to go back? Is that weird? I got weird vibes. But my gut is not good enough evidence, I guess? hah.

hopeful4

Hmmm...

Just because someone is an addiction therapist does not make them a good one. However, maybe it's possible therapist is trying to give you the other side of the coin so to speak? Just a thought.

I myself would not be comfortable with someone telling me not to trust my gut. After YEARS of therapy and work on myself, trusting my gut has to be one of the most important things to me.

AutumnMama

That's why it bothered me so much. I've done so much work and come to a place where I trust my conclusion that something is "not right" with him. And then he pushes against that? It's just a weird time to play devil's advocate, I guess, if that is what he was doing. I was saying that I don't think people recover from addictions without actually working on themselves/being in a recovery program (ex is not) and he said "sometimes it happens". I'm like--what? what kind of advice is that? Your husband might spontaneously get better? Who tells someone that after getting away from an addictive spouse?

hopeful4

I agree with you. I encourage you to be honest with the therapist about how you are feeling about this. Don't back down out of being polite.

Ariesagain

It’s one thing for a therapist to nudge you toward re-evaluating your assumptions. That can be really helpful.

But I agree, this sounds weirdly personal, like he was defending himself. I wonder if he's in relapse and hiding it...

Dunno, I would think about finding another therapist?

SmallButMighty

Is there any chance at all that your husband might be seeing this same therapist?

And please, no matter what anyone says to you.. ALWAYS trust your gut. I know we can talk ourselves into or out of just about anything, but when we actually pay attention to how our stomach feels, we will get the truth of it.

I'd be looking for a different therapist. I'm all for having my views challenged, or my motivations questioned, but I wouldn't condone belittlement.

AutumnMama

I hate to say it, but I think the real reason I dont want to see him again is because I was getting "alert alert this guy is on drugs" vibe from him. Which I haven't ever gotten before. I really hope I'm wrong, he's a nice guy.

Thankfully, I already have another therapist. She is not an addiction specialist but she feels a little safer right now.

tomsteve

is there proof hes doing wrong- other than your gut?
you THINK hes replacing alcohol with with adderall and strip clubs/gambling/etc.
is there proof hes doing that-other than your gut?

I was saying that I don't think people recover from addictions without actually working on themselves/being in a recovery program (ex is not) and he said "sometimes it happens".

he was honest- sometimes it does happen. not often, but it does.
Maybe if I came in there still obsessing over whether or not he was doing something
which is an addiction so it might be a good thing ya have an addiction specialist therapist

might be wise to give him the benefit of the doubt and be honest about how youre feeling about him.

AutumnMama

ehhhh I mean I know he taking adderall at a pretty high dosage, but he has a prescription. I know he is taking large sums of money out at a time. I know people at work have told me that he has been acting strange (one guy actually said he is acting 'like an addict' but I didn't confirm/deny that one). His mother is suspicious of him. He had spy cameras set up in our house so he could sneak out and smoke cigarettes. He would get packages from websites that specialized in kratom. I found wrappers of some xanax-esque pills from russia in his trash can (he said they were old).

There's no real evidence, just a lot of circumstantial stuff, like I said. But I've just come to settle on -- something "not right" with him. And I dont really know what it is. And he can do whatever the f*** he wants as long as it doesnt affect our son.

trailmix

Honestly, it sounds to me like he is trying to push back to get you to question your own conclusions.

You have made conclusions based on your gut feelings and he is just saying that's not proof - it isn't hard evidence.

As an aside, the only reason you are even interested is that your child is under his care sometimes, so hey, I would actually be looking for that hard evidence. Gut feelings are ok to go on when the stakes aren't so high.

So therapist aside, I would hire a private investigator.

As for you feeling uncomfortable with the therapist, how did you feel prior to this session, do you feel progress is being made? If so then maybe hang in there for a while. Therapists aren't always good with an approach I'm sure and maybe he will realize this approach doesn't work well with you.

velma929

Maybe, since you have no proof, the therapist is suggesting some other activity might be more worthwhile than perseverating on your assumptions.

Ariesagain

Another thought...this could be a triggering conversation for you. You have heard all of this from your ex and multiple times, I would think. Hearing it in a place and from a person you need to trust would be very hard if it were me.

Therapists are human. They choose approaches that aren’t always helpful, but if you really feel you have been helped by him, ask him why he said what he did.

You’re worried about your child. This isn’t a situation where you can stay 100% on your side of the road until something irrefutable happens, IMO.

AutumnMama

I think I just got pulled into the abyss of second guessing myself again and I'm annoyed by it. I don't like being here.

tomsteve

remember,though, that this therapist has absolutely no experience with him. he said what he said for a reason so bring it up with him.

pdm22

The thing with instincts, is I think some people are heavily driven by them, other people are not. If you are familiar with Myers Briggs personality typing at all, there are different ways that people take in information. Even if you aren’t familiar, or don’t believe in that, I think generally speaking you can see how some people use their emotions first, some logic, some their senses, some instincts. Not that you can’t sharpen your other skills, but people naturally so tend to be more comfortable and good at certain modes of taking in and processing information.

The thing with instincts, is they are not “logical” or tangible thing. Sometimes you really can’t explain it, or put it into words. Especially if you are trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t take in information that way, forget it. Sometimes the very act of verbalizing it makes it sound “hokey”.

With that said, I can’t tell you how many times something like that has happened to me. Last time being when I took one of my cats to the emergency vet, because I couldn’t figure out what’s wrong with him. It ended up being this vet who I knew from another practice, and there is just something about her I don’t like (plus she left paperwork on her desk about my dog’s abnormal blood work one time and forgot to call me, and tried to blame me, that I should have called her. I was dumbstruck-Usually no news is good news, why would I call you? )..So anyways, I thought my cat had a hair ball, and communicated his to her. She was like, no, I think it’s asthma. Ran all of these tests..and she’s the vet not me, so I should give her the benefit of he doubt that she knows what she’s doing, right? Well guess what..it was hair ball..

I can’t tell you know many times that’s happened to me. Or just general weird feelings, or “just knowing” something, or “knowing” how things are going to play out. I guess as your therapist, he’s supposed to help you temper instincts or emotions with logic and proof , so you don’t start spinning on something and making yourself paranoid. But I’m willing to bet if you are instincts driven, oftentmes you do in fact “just know”. And it sounds like all of the signs are there from past behaviors of your ex’s too, so you do have “proof”. You know how it is with addicts too, they can be so good at lying and hiding things, that sometimes your instincts are all you have to go on. Sounds like you don’t need the headache of second guessing yourself on this, or frustrating yourself explaining yourself to this therapist, since you seem to be pretty sure on this?

Milano58

In my experience my gut was right about everything. Even early on when I just knew he was drinking again. I was right. We used to know who they were, you'd know by the walk, way they wear their clothes. You can tell when they are/aren't looking after themselves. We can even tell when they're trying to hide. If you can't tell if he's using.. Who can? But stop guessing. Get hard evidence. Document. Talk to a surveillance expert about HOW to gather evidence for court.

In the meantime. Try a different therapist. If a 2nd therapist says the same thing, maybe they have a concern. Maybe they're worried you're focusing too much on your EX.

hopeful4

I always rely on my instincts, and I cannot remember the last time they were wrong. That's not saying that I am never wrong, it's saying I have learned to LISTEN to what my gut is telling me. I will also say I am past the PTSD and past the unrational thoughts and fears that usto plague me. During that time, my instincts were not reliable at all. I had to learn to listen to my head and apply rational, mindful thoughts and not just react in panic as that is all my head and my body knew for so long.

It took a while.

DiggingForFire

NYCDoglvr

My take is he's trying to help you stop projecting, a hard lesson I had to learn.

AutumnMama

Hmmm I'd like to mentally explore that more. What do you mean? Can you give me an example?


And in some other posters comments in regards to finding evidence. I feel like that is a slippery slope--I mean I want to NOT obsesses about this guy anymore, right? I think I've come a long way in that. I'm keeping an eye on him for the safety of my son, but like I said, I think he's pretty functional right now. But I'm not under any illusion that we've stepped off the roller coaster. Would finding out your ex husband is spending thousands of dollars a week at strip clubs mean anything to a judge--as long as he wasn't doing it around your toddler?