Alcoholic boyfriend left me. Am I the one with the problem?
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Alcoholic boyfriend left me. Am I the one with the problem?
Our story began like many others. We met at work. At first I did not see any problem with his drinking. We worked at a restaurant and part of that culture is casually going out for a drink after work with everyone. So, I did not see an issue for a long time. He became close because early on he was going through a tough time and I was there for him. We moved in together really fast. Here and there he’d have bad nights of drinking where he blacked out. After one of these nights the following morning he decided himself that he should go to rehab. I supported him. I supported him through it all and even kept it hidden from everyone at work. He was gone for a month and in that month I missed him so much but held out hope that this would work out in the end.
He came back from rehab and relapsed at the airport but decided to go to an A.A. meeting right after he landed. So I took him. After rehab at first he was really good about going to meetifna and an outpatient program. But he slowly stopped going. He had slip ups here and there but had me convinced he had control.
a few weeks ago he sat me down and told me he has been sneaking drinks for a month. He said the more he did it the worse he felt which made him drink more. He said he knew he wasn’t giving me what I needed or what I deserved. He said he was bringing me down and wanted to move back to his moms house. He said he wasn’t happy. Not because of the relationship but he wasn’t happy with himself...
so, of course this happened my birthday weekend.
i came back from a planned trip to find him moved out.
the only explanation I’ve gotten is over text. All he said was he wanted to go back to his moms because he wasn’t happy with himself and wanted to see if that would help. He made the decision for us to take a break. At work, we can talk and be civil. But seeing him and missing him hurts.
A few people from work have asked me what is going on because after work he has been drinking?
I feel like this whole thing was a lie and excuse just to get away from me. Did I smother him too much? Did he just choose drinking over me? Was I not good enough?
I feel so hurt and so broken and worst of all I still don’t even understand why all of this was for
if it’s cause his drinking why is he still so openly drinking?
Maybe some one here can help shed some light.
He came back from rehab and relapsed at the airport but decided to go to an A.A. meeting right after he landed. So I took him. After rehab at first he was really good about going to meetifna and an outpatient program. But he slowly stopped going. He had slip ups here and there but had me convinced he had control.
a few weeks ago he sat me down and told me he has been sneaking drinks for a month. He said the more he did it the worse he felt which made him drink more. He said he knew he wasn’t giving me what I needed or what I deserved. He said he was bringing me down and wanted to move back to his moms house. He said he wasn’t happy. Not because of the relationship but he wasn’t happy with himself...
so, of course this happened my birthday weekend.
i came back from a planned trip to find him moved out.
the only explanation I’ve gotten is over text. All he said was he wanted to go back to his moms because he wasn’t happy with himself and wanted to see if that would help. He made the decision for us to take a break. At work, we can talk and be civil. But seeing him and missing him hurts.
A few people from work have asked me what is going on because after work he has been drinking?
I feel like this whole thing was a lie and excuse just to get away from me. Did I smother him too much? Did he just choose drinking over me? Was I not good enough?
I feel so hurt and so broken and worst of all I still don’t even understand why all of this was for
if it’s cause his drinking why is he still so openly drinking?
Maybe some one here can help shed some light.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
Welcome,
I am not in your relationship and can't speak for someone else or on their behalf.
If you want to know, ask him. Take what he tells you for what it is, even if it is a lie.
We can't make people do anything that includes being honest with us or themselves.
If this was his way out, so be it.
Heal yourself and move on to bigger and better things!
Blessings,
DC
I am not in your relationship and can't speak for someone else or on their behalf.
If you want to know, ask him. Take what he tells you for what it is, even if it is a lie.
We can't make people do anything that includes being honest with us or themselves.
If this was his way out, so be it.
Heal yourself and move on to bigger and better things!
Blessings,
DC
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Sorry for what brings you here.
Alcoholic boyfriend left me. Am I the one with the problem?
Not anymore.
Alcoholic boyfriend left me. Am I the one with the problem?
Not anymore.
Now, Michelle, you may still have problems, big problems, but at least this guy won't be one of them. Just don't let him sucker you back in.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Breakups always hurt and I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like he has told all plans to say at this time. It's probably a good idea for you to focus on yourself at this point. You might also consider checking out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Hello,
In my opinion you are not the one with the problem. Sometimes what we drunks and addicts do may appear to be selfless (in this case your partner 'saving you from himself'). But, what he's done is a selfish act. If he can't deal with his alcoholism whilst in a relationship then he's made the right call. You've ended up in the position of not having to deal with someone in early recovery.
This might seem like a crappy deal at the moment but ultimately it's probably for the best. There are meetings out there for friends/families of alcoholics and addicts. Many people on the forum are much more versed than me and I imagine you'll get more info shortly.
In my opinion you are not the one with the problem. Sometimes what we drunks and addicts do may appear to be selfless (in this case your partner 'saving you from himself'). But, what he's done is a selfish act. If he can't deal with his alcoholism whilst in a relationship then he's made the right call. You've ended up in the position of not having to deal with someone in early recovery.
This might seem like a crappy deal at the moment but ultimately it's probably for the best. There are meetings out there for friends/families of alcoholics and addicts. Many people on the forum are much more versed than me and I imagine you'll get more info shortly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by michelle2009
Did he just choose drinking over me?
You might want to check out the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum as well. Lots of information there and knowledge is power.
The more you know about alcoholism the better, for you, not for him.
It would seem the answer to your question is yes.
Sounds like he wanted a relationship, tried, realized he would have to be sober to be in said relationship - then failed at sobriety and went back to drinking.
When you read the posts in the F&F forum you will find that is not uncommon, unfortunately.
Here is a link to that forum:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
You will be much better off without having an alcoholic boyfriend in your life. Trust me! I was the alcoholic boyfriend for years and put my ex-girlfriend through hell. He needs to sort himself out before he can possibly be in a committed relationship.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Consider yourself lucky (even though I know it hurts). Speaking from the perspective as someone who used to be an active alcoholic and dated plenty of addicts/alcoholics--it's a nightmare. As others have said, check out the Friends and Family Forums if you want to hear what it's like from the other side.
A relationship ending is painful, but there's much, much more pain in being involved with an active alcoholic. Really. Count your blessings and move on. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve someone better.
A relationship ending is painful, but there's much, much more pain in being involved with an active alcoholic. Really. Count your blessings and move on. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve someone better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,653
I am alcoholic. 3.5y sober, so maybe a little credibility. My behavior was never logical- it all revolved around alcohol. My thinking was not logical- because it all revolved around alcohol. A relationship breakdown with an alcoholic- from your point of view is probably a good thing, because it means you will not put your life on hold, waiting for him to get better. Sobriety cannot be good intentions or 'I will....tomorrow' or excuses, but shown in changed behavior- evidence over time. I hope you do not put your life on hold- as the weeks turn into months...maybe years.
Such simple words, but a difficult process. There is a forum at SR for family and friends of alcoholics, Al- Anon is a meeting thing in real time that does the same .
What ever you choose to do- support to you
Such simple words, but a difficult process. There is a forum at SR for family and friends of alcoholics, Al- Anon is a meeting thing in real time that does the same .
What ever you choose to do- support to you
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Alcoholic boyfriend left me. Am I the one with the problem?
his drinking is his problem.
however, that doesnt mean ya dont have problems of your own.youre pining over someone who is putting alcohol ahead of his relationship with you . people that love themselves dont do that.
the cause of his drinking is untreated alcoholism.period.
his drinking is his problem.
however, that doesnt mean ya dont have problems of your own.youre pining over someone who is putting alcohol ahead of his relationship with you . people that love themselves dont do that.
the cause of his drinking is untreated alcoholism.period.
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