Hello! I don’t know if this is the right place to post, or whether anyone will even read this but I need to share my story, not just for help but so I can get it off my chest. I am currently sitting in my bed, spiraling due to my blackout drunk behavior from last night. I have decided this is the final straw for me. Alcohol and myself have never had a friendly relationship and I’m not someone that can have a few drinks with friends and call it a night. I’m someone that, once I start drinking, the urge to keep drinking is overwhelming and I will not stop until I have blacked out. Countless times I have told myself to stop at 3, almost giving myself a pep talk before I go out, but rarely have I succeeded in doing so.

I started drinking when I was 15. I thought i was so free and cool and it gave me such a sense of confidence that I didn’t know I had. It quickly became something I relied on to make myself seem more fun at parties and, at that time, it almost seemed like a right of passage to get as drunk as humanly possible. Even to the point where it seemed like a competition to be THAT person.

Before going to university i decided to take a gap year, as I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life or whether I even wanted to go to uni. This is where my drinking habit became something serious, although I didn’t acknowledge it at the time. I would be drinking almost everyday, and almost everyday I would be getting blackout drunk. It became sort of a cycle- I’d be convinced I’d embarrassed myself so I’d go out and drink to get over that embarrassment. And then it would just happen again. My family went through so much during this year- I’ve seen my dad in floods of tears because I was so self destructive and he was insanely worried about me. I can’t blame him. He would find me passed out on the floor outside the house because I’d lost my keys. Or I wouldn’t even entertain his calls at 3am because I was being so stupid. The guilt I feel from this time in my life has ruined me, I will never be able to take that back and remove the pain he went through.

And then I went to uni. I thought this was going to be a great new start for me, to change into someone I wanted to be, not someone I loathed. But I didn’t, I continued my habit and I annoyed my friends, had countless one night stands and people stopped wanting to go out with me at night because I was such a liability. This is where I became suicidal. I hated myself, I hated everything about my personality but I still couldn’t see that the route cause of the problem was my alcoholism. I’d find excuses as to why I was like that instead, blaming everything but the alcohol.

And the past year, nothing has changed. I’d find reasons to drink every night, being unable to stop and this was mostly by myself. Why I was doing it? I don’t know. I suffer extreme anxiety and would use this as a reason to self medicate with countless glasses of wine. It was stupid. I have annoyed my friends - again. They agree that I can’t stop once I start and I have pushed people away because I believed alcohol was my best friend- my crutch to all the problems life brings.

I actually tried doing ‘sober september’, I lasted 3 weeks and let me tell you I have never felt better. I wasn’t shame spiraling everyday, I looked better and my anxiety symptoms were eased. I was actually starting to enjoy life. This went wrong on Friday night when I went on a date, thinking I could handle it. I was trying to get myself out there again and enjoy the things life can bring but I got blackout drunk. Needless to say I haven’t heard from the guy again. And then, yesterday I went to a bar wallowing in self pity and I had a one night stand. So here I am, sitting here and writing this because I’ve decided, from today, I am going to not touch a drop of alcohol again. I am ashamed, I’m spiraling down a dark path at the moment and I’m just not okay. I will never be able to have a few drinks with dinner or a few drinks on a night out and then stop. Nope. I can’t sit here and kid myself that I will be able to- the only way I can stop this disease is to quit entirely.

Sorry for the extremely long post. I’m not sure anyone will read this but I feel better for getting it out. From today, my life is going to change. If anyone does read this, and has similar stories they’d like to share, please do. I believe getting it out will help. Or if anyone has any advice for getting through this, I would really appreciate that.

Much love xxxx

Welcome you’re story is much the same as most of us, but you can part ways with alcohol and live a much happier life, there is lots of help and advice here, keep posting good or bad, good luck 👍

Great post. I relate massively to your post; I’m an alcoholic and I got sober young. I suggest getting to an AA meeting ASAP and getting stock into recovery from alcoholism.

You're in a great position to get and stay sober now whilst you have this window of opportunity. Things will always get worse for an alcoholic who continues to drink. There is a solution.

life in recovery is the most incredible life and I’m truly grateful to be an alcoholic as it’s given me such a wonderful way of living and relating to others and the universe 🙏