Smoke and mirrors
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Smoke and mirrors
Hi guys. I was a member a few years ago but read more than I posted. I thought I'd post as I think it'd feel therapeutic.
I was with my ABF for almost 8 years. It was without doubt the most stressful time and such a roller coaster. I found out about his long standing problems with alcohol 6 months into the relationship... by which time I was smitten and in love. He has "dry" periods when he doesn't drink- the last one was 3 1/2 years... but he is a dry drunk. His behaviours are classic. It's so easy to see now that we aren't together!
So many red flags, so many.
He is a doctor, I'm a nurse- he saw me as a nurturer.
He is a divorded father of 3, he pays for his children but only what he must.
He is obsessed with money- earning it and spending it on himself.
He has obsessive behaviours generally.
He has had every form of therapy going, but he hasn't got to grips with step one.
The rules apply to others, not him.
I could go on and on but I know nothing I say would be news to you guys.
I left in December because he cheated on me and then got drunk for 2 weeks solid.. He cheated with his receptionist who didn't know anything about me because he pretended to be single... for 4 years!
We'd just bought a new house- well he did. He didn't want a joint mortgage because his ex "took him for everything" and he never wanted to be in that position again!
And yet he allowed me to believe that he loved me, that our life together was everything he wanted.
Over the 8 years I became anxious, distrusting, fearful, scared, intimidated, my self esteem was zero.... oh but I loved him!
I wrote down things I needed to remember about the relationship and him. The list terrified me! It went on and on- relapses, let downs, a double life and at the end an STI which he still has a lie for!!
My family loved him, I think they were impressed by his occupation to some extent. Whilst they knew about some issues I obviously didn't elabourate because I wanted their approval.
So 8 months on I'm in my own house, I had to start from scratch. It's been hard.
I miss what I believed I had. But I can see that he is a very unwell man who has a bleak future.
Things cannot end well. I'm sure he will eventually lose his job and possibly his life. He already has diabetes which he put down to his drinking.
I'm trying to be positive. Had I stayed it's likely I'd be in a terrible state mentally.
Urghhh it's all so hard but which I read some posts the other night so much of what was discussed really made me believe I've done the right thing.
I think it all validated what I felt if that makes sense?
Subconciously I'd been doing a lot of things right and instead of feeling crazy I felt that actually I'd been pretty astute.
When I first looked on this site I believed that my EABF would be the exception. He'd stop drinking because he felt loved and secure and happy. All I needed to do was support him, encourage him and demonstrate how loved he was. And boy did I set about doing that. It became my purpose, and he let me! Why wouldn't he?!
So I'm rambling, but this is my turn around. I see quite clearly now... thank you guys for your wisdom
Fi x
I was with my ABF for almost 8 years. It was without doubt the most stressful time and such a roller coaster. I found out about his long standing problems with alcohol 6 months into the relationship... by which time I was smitten and in love. He has "dry" periods when he doesn't drink- the last one was 3 1/2 years... but he is a dry drunk. His behaviours are classic. It's so easy to see now that we aren't together!
So many red flags, so many.
He is a doctor, I'm a nurse- he saw me as a nurturer.
He is a divorded father of 3, he pays for his children but only what he must.
He is obsessed with money- earning it and spending it on himself.
He has obsessive behaviours generally.
He has had every form of therapy going, but he hasn't got to grips with step one.
The rules apply to others, not him.
I could go on and on but I know nothing I say would be news to you guys.
I left in December because he cheated on me and then got drunk for 2 weeks solid.. He cheated with his receptionist who didn't know anything about me because he pretended to be single... for 4 years!
We'd just bought a new house- well he did. He didn't want a joint mortgage because his ex "took him for everything" and he never wanted to be in that position again!
And yet he allowed me to believe that he loved me, that our life together was everything he wanted.
Over the 8 years I became anxious, distrusting, fearful, scared, intimidated, my self esteem was zero.... oh but I loved him!
I wrote down things I needed to remember about the relationship and him. The list terrified me! It went on and on- relapses, let downs, a double life and at the end an STI which he still has a lie for!!
My family loved him, I think they were impressed by his occupation to some extent. Whilst they knew about some issues I obviously didn't elabourate because I wanted their approval.
So 8 months on I'm in my own house, I had to start from scratch. It's been hard.
I miss what I believed I had. But I can see that he is a very unwell man who has a bleak future.
Things cannot end well. I'm sure he will eventually lose his job and possibly his life. He already has diabetes which he put down to his drinking.
I'm trying to be positive. Had I stayed it's likely I'd be in a terrible state mentally.
Urghhh it's all so hard but which I read some posts the other night so much of what was discussed really made me believe I've done the right thing.
I think it all validated what I felt if that makes sense?
Subconciously I'd been doing a lot of things right and instead of feeling crazy I felt that actually I'd been pretty astute.
When I first looked on this site I believed that my EABF would be the exception. He'd stop drinking because he felt loved and secure and happy. All I needed to do was support him, encourage him and demonstrate how loved he was. And boy did I set about doing that. It became my purpose, and he let me! Why wouldn't he?!
So I'm rambling, but this is my turn around. I see quite clearly now... thank you guys for your wisdom
Fi x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
hi celebration and welcome!
Well, it sounds like you have really been put through the ringer and yet you do sound together, good for you for (hopefully) taking care of yourself.
Yes, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
How are you doing though? Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you in therapy or do you attend Al-Anon at all?
Question, does he see patients while drinking? If so, have you thought of reporting him?
Well, it sounds like you have really been put through the ringer and yet you do sound together, good for you for (hopefully) taking care of yourself.
Yes, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
How are you doing though? Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you in therapy or do you attend Al-Anon at all?
Question, does he see patients while drinking? If so, have you thought of reporting him?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,355
Originally Posted by celebration123 
Hi guys. I was a member a few years ago but read more than I posted. I thought I'd post as I think it'd feel therapeutic.
I was with my ABF for almost 8 years. It was without doubt the most stressful time and such a roller coaster. I found out about his long standing problems with alcohol 6 months into the relationship... by which time I was smitten and in love. He has "dry" periods when he doesn't drink- the last one was 3 1/2 years... but he is a dry drunk. His behaviours are classic. It's so easy to see now that we aren't together!
So many red flags, so many.
He is a doctor, I'm a nurse- he saw me as a nurturer.
He is a divorded father of 3, he pays for his children but only what he must.
He is obsessed with money- earning it and spending it on himself.
He has obsessive behaviours generally.
He has had every form of therapy going, but he hasn't got to grips with step one.
The rules apply to others, not him.
I could go on and on but I know nothing I say would be news to you guys.
I left in December because he cheated on me and then got drunk for 2 weeks solid.. He cheated with his receptionist who didn't know anything about me because he pretended to be single... for 4 years!
We'd just bought a new house- well he did. He didn't want a joint mortgage because his ex "took him for everything" and he never wanted to be in that position again!
And yet he allowed me to believe that he loved me, that our life together was everything he wanted.
Over the 8 years I became anxious, distrusting, fearful, scared, intimidated, my self esteem was zero.... oh but I loved him!
I wrote down things I needed to remember about the relationship and him. The list terrified me! It went on and on- relapses, let downs, a double life and at the end an STI which he still has a lie for!!
My family loved him, I think they were impressed by his occupation to some extent. Whilst they knew about some issues I obviously didn't elabourate because I wanted their approval.
So 8 months on I'm in my own house, I had to start from scratch. It's been hard.
I miss what I believed I had. But I can see that he is a very unwell man who has a bleak future.
Things cannot end well. I'm sure he will eventually lose his job and possibly his life. He already has diabetes which he put down to his drinking.
I'm trying to be positive. Had I stayed it's likely I'd be in a terrible state mentally.
Urghhh it's all so hard but which I read some posts the other night so much of what was discussed really made me believe I've done the right thing.
I think it all validated what I felt if that makes sense?
Subconciously I'd been doing a lot of things right and instead of feeling crazy I felt that actually I'd been pretty astute.
When I first looked on this site I believed that my EABF would be the exception. He'd stop drinking because he felt loved and secure and happy. All I needed to do was support him, encourage him and demonstrate how loved he was. And boy did I set about doing that. It became my purpose, and he let me! Why wouldn't he?!
So I'm rambling, but this is my turn around. I see quite clearly now... thank you guys for your wisdom
Fi x
I was with my ABF for almost 8 years. It was without doubt the most stressful time and such a roller coaster. I found out about his long standing problems with alcohol 6 months into the relationship... by which time I was smitten and in love. He has "dry" periods when he doesn't drink- the last one was 3 1/2 years... but he is a dry drunk. His behaviours are classic. It's so easy to see now that we aren't together!
So many red flags, so many.
He is a doctor, I'm a nurse- he saw me as a nurturer.
He is a divorded father of 3, he pays for his children but only what he must.
He is obsessed with money- earning it and spending it on himself.
He has obsessive behaviours generally.
He has had every form of therapy going, but he hasn't got to grips with step one.
The rules apply to others, not him.
I could go on and on but I know nothing I say would be news to you guys.
I left in December because he cheated on me and then got drunk for 2 weeks solid.. He cheated with his receptionist who didn't know anything about me because he pretended to be single... for 4 years!
We'd just bought a new house- well he did. He didn't want a joint mortgage because his ex "took him for everything" and he never wanted to be in that position again!
And yet he allowed me to believe that he loved me, that our life together was everything he wanted.
Over the 8 years I became anxious, distrusting, fearful, scared, intimidated, my self esteem was zero.... oh but I loved him!
I wrote down things I needed to remember about the relationship and him. The list terrified me! It went on and on- relapses, let downs, a double life and at the end an STI which he still has a lie for!!
My family loved him, I think they were impressed by his occupation to some extent. Whilst they knew about some issues I obviously didn't elabourate because I wanted their approval.
So 8 months on I'm in my own house, I had to start from scratch. It's been hard.
I miss what I believed I had. But I can see that he is a very unwell man who has a bleak future.
Things cannot end well. I'm sure he will eventually lose his job and possibly his life. He already has diabetes which he put down to his drinking.
I'm trying to be positive. Had I stayed it's likely I'd be in a terrible state mentally.
Urghhh it's all so hard but which I read some posts the other night so much of what was discussed really made me believe I've done the right thing.
I think it all validated what I felt if that makes sense?
Subconciously I'd been doing a lot of things right and instead of feeling crazy I felt that actually I'd been pretty astute.
When I first looked on this site I believed that my EABF would be the exception. He'd stop drinking because he felt loved and secure and happy. All I needed to do was support him, encourage him and demonstrate how loved he was. And boy did I set about doing that. It became my purpose, and he let me! Why wouldn't he?!
So I'm rambling, but this is my turn around. I see quite clearly now... thank you guys for your wisdom
Fi x
I can relate to that. For me I miss at times who I believed he was. He wasnt and that's hard. Thanks for posting. You had been astute.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thanks for replying!
I'm doing ok, much better. Man I was a mess! I think I found my breaking point. It was so important to me to keep my dignity during the breakup. I didn't scream and shout, I tried to stay calm and I resisted the compelling urge to try to put a plaster on it all and go back.
This time I'd lost complete trust and actually I lost respect for him.
I made mistakes, several probably but I did believe that I deserved way better. Know your worth!!!
I leaned on my friends and my dad came through for me- had to move in for 5 months! It's brought us closer and our relationship id wonderful now.
Good things have come from this.
Don't get me wrong, I miss the man. But he was dishonest. It was all smoke and mirrors. He was a troubled soul with so many issues.
He didn't know himself so he tried to become what he thought I wanted. He mirrored my personality, he adopted many of my sayings etc. Another flag was him having no real friends...
I feel wiser but absolutely drained. I don't want to be cynical and distrusting but i'm not sure how I can be anything else?!
I'm doing ok, much better. Man I was a mess! I think I found my breaking point. It was so important to me to keep my dignity during the breakup. I didn't scream and shout, I tried to stay calm and I resisted the compelling urge to try to put a plaster on it all and go back.
This time I'd lost complete trust and actually I lost respect for him.
I made mistakes, several probably but I did believe that I deserved way better. Know your worth!!!
I leaned on my friends and my dad came through for me- had to move in for 5 months! It's brought us closer and our relationship id wonderful now.
Good things have come from this.
Don't get me wrong, I miss the man. But he was dishonest. It was all smoke and mirrors. He was a troubled soul with so many issues.
He didn't know himself so he tried to become what he thought I wanted. He mirrored my personality, he adopted many of my sayings etc. Another flag was him having no real friends...
I feel wiser but absolutely drained. I don't want to be cynical and distrusting but i'm not sure how I can be anything else?!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by celebration123
I feel wiser but absolutely drained. I don't want to be cynical and distrusting but i'm not sure how I can be anything else?!
Of course you are feeling cynical and distrusting, that seems absolutely normal. You just spent 8 years with an active alcoholic, everyone and anyone that comes in to contact with them for any length of time will be affected by the craziness, even if you know what you are dealing with (and most don't to start), that provides some protection but when you are trying to have a relationship, even that is not enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Yes I believe he is a narcissist. His sponsor tells me he has a perfectionism disorder too.
He lives in a disturbed fantasy world.
Gosh this is therapeutic- I must have been blind!!! I see it all so clearly now
He lives in a disturbed fantasy world.
Gosh this is therapeutic- I must have been blind!!! I see it all so clearly now
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