My alcoholic fiancé broke up with me
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 63
My alcoholic fiancé broke up with me
My fiancé and I were together for 3 years. It never crossed my mind that he would be an alcoholic. Until his mother and I started getting closer as we were getting to know each other. She would call me often and asking about how much he was drinking. One day I got annoyed and asked what is the deal? He is 30 he knows what he is doing. Besides I saw him 2-3 times a week since we both travel for work, so I couldn’t really know how much he drank. (Although I was annoyed I was polite to her). His mother even suggested that he needed professional help. Of course I declined because I didn’t think he used to drink as much as she was concerned. After that I started watching his drinking behavior very close and I realized the first year we were together he was drinking a lot, he would get out of bed in the middle of the night because he was “hungry” and stay almost an hour in the kitchen before returning to bed. Next day I would find drops of wine all over the floor, or empty glasses. I brought up to his attention that I noticed he was drinking a lot. He said he likes drinking, but would cut off a little, maybe drinking only on weekends. He then would drink in front of me only on weekends. Bottles and cans of wine and beer started to show up behind my clothes, inside my shoes or his shoes. I research to see why people would hide things like that in the closet.... for my surprise the word alcoholic popped everywhere on my screen. I could understand his mother now. I told him that his mother used to ask me about his drinking and what I’ve found in our closet. He tried to say it was just a little problem and eventually he said he was an alcoholic. We were engaged already and I was determined I was going to save him. That’s was the beginning of the end.
he asked me to not tell anybody, so I didn’t.
He is the most sweet person I’ve ever been with in a relationship. He took care of me in every single way. And yet never felt he was truly present in the moment, he was constantly find ways to get out of the house to drink. When I look back into our fights I feel like I caused everything, why I had to care about things that was so meaningless. He would never raise his voice, he was always calm, and I would be the crazy person screaming and breaking things. Next day he would apologize and tell me he was drinking. Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to. I never seen him showing emotions, I have never seen a tear in his eyes. Two weeks before he ended things, he sent me to my hometown to get my wedding dress, he took me to the airport hugged me many time and said multiple times how much he loved me. Asked me to trust him because he now had an appointment to get treatment and things would get better. The argument we had before the breakup was silly, and he said he didn’t wanna do any of the things we planned during this past 3 years. He said things about me that I never thought it once crossed his mind. A few days later I came back to our apartment and tried to talk to him. He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.
This crushed my heart, specially since she was the one who suggested professional help at first. I’m so confused, I’m doubting the things I’ve seen before. I am blaming myself. And still I’m not sure the real reason why he broke up with me?
I didn’t move out yet and he was already going out on dates. I feel like I wasted 3 years of my life, and my world felt apart.
I am in therapy and attending the al-anon meetings, I never felt this kind of emotional pain. I feel like I won’t ever be able to get out of this mess.
Meanwhile he is out there having fun, he looks good, he is very professional, never miss a day at work and he is good at what he does. Nobody suspects he is an alcoholic.
I would appreciate any opinions and advices.
he asked me to not tell anybody, so I didn’t.
He is the most sweet person I’ve ever been with in a relationship. He took care of me in every single way. And yet never felt he was truly present in the moment, he was constantly find ways to get out of the house to drink. When I look back into our fights I feel like I caused everything, why I had to care about things that was so meaningless. He would never raise his voice, he was always calm, and I would be the crazy person screaming and breaking things. Next day he would apologize and tell me he was drinking. Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to. I never seen him showing emotions, I have never seen a tear in his eyes. Two weeks before he ended things, he sent me to my hometown to get my wedding dress, he took me to the airport hugged me many time and said multiple times how much he loved me. Asked me to trust him because he now had an appointment to get treatment and things would get better. The argument we had before the breakup was silly, and he said he didn’t wanna do any of the things we planned during this past 3 years. He said things about me that I never thought it once crossed his mind. A few days later I came back to our apartment and tried to talk to him. He said he was getting out to save himself because I was the reason he was drinking so much. He said he always hated our relationship, and everything he did was to stay with me but he never wanted to.
I called his mother and told her what happened. She told me I better get out of his life since I was causing him to drink, she also said she wasn’t sure that he was an alcoholic since he is very successful in his job.
This crushed my heart, specially since she was the one who suggested professional help at first. I’m so confused, I’m doubting the things I’ve seen before. I am blaming myself. And still I’m not sure the real reason why he broke up with me?
I didn’t move out yet and he was already going out on dates. I feel like I wasted 3 years of my life, and my world felt apart.
I am in therapy and attending the al-anon meetings, I never felt this kind of emotional pain. I feel like I won’t ever be able to get out of this mess.
Meanwhile he is out there having fun, he looks good, he is very professional, never miss a day at work and he is good at what he does. Nobody suspects he is an alcoholic.
I would appreciate any opinions and advices.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: upstate new york
Posts: 131
sounds like he just wants to have fun and you want more. try to let it go and don't blame yourself. you didn't cause him to drink. feel lucky. there will be more victims. probably plenty of them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Chester, UK
Posts: 684
Originally Posted by Nara 
When I look back into our fights I feel like I caused everything, why I had to care about things that was so meaningless. He would never raise his voice, he was always calm, and I would be the crazy person screaming and breaking things. Next day he would apologize and tell me he was drinking.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Forget it and move on. Don't blame yourself. That's what we do as alcoholics. We look for the latest convenience reason to blame for our "disease."
If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman he'd blame. Or his job. Or anxiety. Or something else that stressed him out. Maybe his mom.
Be glad he did you this favor, you'll thank him 5 years down the road.
If it wasn't you, it would be some other woman he'd blame. Or his job. Or anxiety. Or something else that stressed him out. Maybe his mom.
Be glad he did you this favor, you'll thank him 5 years down the road.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 87
I'll be honest, the man you are talking about is exactly how I was right before I stopped my drinking. It has been 14 months since my last drink and I am just now starting to realize how lost I was towards the end. Until he gets help and works to treat his alcholism, he probably won't change. It took me to face real consequences for me to finally stop drinking. The years before that I would just bounce around relationships, and slipt whenever the girl addressed my drinking.
I really do feel for you, and its great your already working on self care, which is awesome. It sounds like there is a lot of denial going on with him and his family, which is not fair for you either.
My ex has moved on, got engaged and I am very happy for her. I have done the work I needed and know am just beginning to date again.
You just went through a lot, pleasedo a lot of selfcare. Without treating his alcholism, it almost def was going to get worse even if you got married.
I really do feel for you, and its great your already working on self care, which is awesome. It sounds like there is a lot of denial going on with him and his family, which is not fair for you either.
My ex has moved on, got engaged and I am very happy for her. I have done the work I needed and know am just beginning to date again.
You just went through a lot, pleasedo a lot of selfcare. Without treating his alcholism, it almost def was going to get worse even if you got married.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
He already took three years of your time, don’t allow him a second more. Nobody causes us to drink. He’s saying that to appease mommy. They both are in such denial, they are really bizarre. You are handling everything like a mature person. He will not heal while blaming you. He has to take responsibility, and that seems awfully hard to do for mommy’s little boy. I know you are hurting right now, but one day you will be so thankful that you got out. The end of this is the beginning of your real life, without being the scapegoat for him n his delusional mother. If anyone could be blamed for his drinking, it’s his mother who has made excuses for him. She was worried about his drinking even when you arrived on the scene and NOW it’s your fault. There are so many crazy people in this world, thank god you just got two of them out of your life. Those wedding shoes will still be worn, thankfully not in a wedding involving you and this guy.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
To be honest, I'd say you dodged a bullet. He's not treating you like he loves you. His drinking comes first. I'd suggest you be kind to yourself and just be glad you didn't marry him or, worse yet, have kids with him. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Nara
He would never raise his voice, he was always calm, and I would be the crazy person screaming and breaking things. Next day he would apologize and tell me he was drinking. Later on we had some ugly fights and he acted and said things I thought he was unable to.
Like your ex I was a mellow drunk. I am actually quite aggressive (talking, never otherwise) . But wine made me speak slowly and lower the volume. I know I have created every one of our worst fights when we normally don't fight. I could not remember half of them the day after, with my poor husband confused about my behaviour as if 'nothing had happened'. The truth was I had no clue and knew I had no clue so tried to behave very well. Not because I was sorry. Because I wanted to continue my drinking career.
My husband would feel awful for shouting 'like crazy' at a woman half his size. I even convinced myself he was the crazy one and a bit abusive. Writing this down is very painful. But you must really protect yourself because this is all you can do.
You have not wasted 3 years of your life either. You could have used them better perhaps. You are not the one who has spent those years in a drunken stupor. He is wasting his life. You don't need to accompany him on this.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
You've had a lucky escape. You will look back in a year and count your blessings you didn't marry him or have kids.
He is definitely an alcoholic and as long as he is in denial and not willing to do anything about his alcoholism, nobody can help him. He may be holding on to a job and successful career so far, but it will all come crashing down eventually. He will put drink above all else. By the way his mother sounds like an absolute freak, blaming you for his drinking. She is in denial and can't see her darling boy doing any wrong.
Like I said, you've had a lucky escape.
He is definitely an alcoholic and as long as he is in denial and not willing to do anything about his alcoholism, nobody can help him. He may be holding on to a job and successful career so far, but it will all come crashing down eventually. He will put drink above all else. By the way his mother sounds like an absolute freak, blaming you for his drinking. She is in denial and can't see her darling boy doing any wrong.
Like I said, you've had a lucky escape.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hello Nara,
no matter which way you look at it, this was not a good relationship.
it may have felt good at times, but it wasn’t real. what i mean is: he later said he hated being in it, yet you didn’t know. he stayed there, pretending. lying.
and, as you say, he was not present.
that is what i most came to see about being an alcoholic: i was not really present in my relationships. my primary relationship was my constant preoccupation with drinking.
good to read you are in therapy and alanon. that shows good self-care.
though it may hurt like hell right now, you have a chance here to find out more about what makes you tick and how to avoid certain messes in the future.
also, farther down the forum lists there is a section for Friends and Families of alcoholics. hope you will find extra support there, too.
no matter which way you look at it, this was not a good relationship.
it may have felt good at times, but it wasn’t real. what i mean is: he later said he hated being in it, yet you didn’t know. he stayed there, pretending. lying.
and, as you say, he was not present.
that is what i most came to see about being an alcoholic: i was not really present in my relationships. my primary relationship was my constant preoccupation with drinking.
good to read you are in therapy and alanon. that shows good self-care.
though it may hurt like hell right now, you have a chance here to find out more about what makes you tick and how to avoid certain messes in the future.
also, farther down the forum lists there is a section for Friends and Families of alcoholics. hope you will find extra support there, too.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
I've lost count of the amount of times that I said a partner was at least somewhat to blame for my drug use. Basically every relationship I've had has been ruined by my addiction in one way or another. Every single person fell by the wayside when they realised they couldn't change me or save me from myself.
From your post it sounds like he isn't ready to accept that he's got a problem. He's playing it down by saying it's a 'little problem' and his mother is validating him by reminding him how successful he is in life. If he's anything like the alcoholics and addicts I know that 'successful gloss' that is currently at centre stage in his life will dull over time.
The drinking will get more frequent and the consequences more severe. Eventually his mother may accept the fact he's an alcoholic but it sounds like something pretty major would have to occur for this to happen.
The only thing you can do is what you're already doing. Seek support in the right places. Personally I think you've dodged a bullet.
Natom
From your post it sounds like he isn't ready to accept that he's got a problem. He's playing it down by saying it's a 'little problem' and his mother is validating him by reminding him how successful he is in life. If he's anything like the alcoholics and addicts I know that 'successful gloss' that is currently at centre stage in his life will dull over time.
The drinking will get more frequent and the consequences more severe. Eventually his mother may accept the fact he's an alcoholic but it sounds like something pretty major would have to occur for this to happen.
The only thing you can do is what you're already doing. Seek support in the right places. Personally I think you've dodged a bullet.
Natom
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Derbyshire Dales, UK.
Posts: 2,618
I agree, that it sounds like he has a very manipulative Mum - can only imagine what she was putting into his head at the same time.
You have definitely dodged a bullet with those two x
You deserve better.
You have definitely dodged a bullet with those two x
You deserve better.
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