birwin91

Hi All,

So I have a date coming up tomorrow night. I am 13 months sober now, so still fairly new, but I'm at a stage where I am comfortable with my sobriety to the point where I know what my limits are. I know when to leave the party, i know when not to go out, I know how to handle going to a concert or a nightclub, my body now knows that if I'm not comfortable, there's nothing stopping me from not going. Sobriety has become an amazing part of my life, where I'm through to the side of it being my new norm. And I love it.

But this date. I've dated a little since being sober, but I realised early on that i just wasn't ready. And I also realised that that was ok. I was ok to work on myself first. I'm finally at the stage where i'm ready to give dating a go. But i'm just not really sure when to bring up the being sober thing. Do i tell him from the get go? Or wait to see how it fairs? I actually have no issue personally telling him, it's more that it's a little bit of a curve ball to tell someone, i think most people go drinking when first dating. I know thats what i used to do. Do I just tell him i don't drink and leave it at that? He wants to go to a bar. I have no issues going to a bar, but whenever i tell someone i don't drink they automatically try to change plans and suggest doing something else. I know for the most part its coming from a place of caring, they think i don't want to be in a bar or a nightclub, but it can be a little frustrating.

Just want to know if anyone has any stories or advice in relation to this, curious as to what other people have experienced?

Thanks,

B

Dee74

If its a first time casual date I don't see any reason to say anything beyond 'I don't drink thanks'.

Have a good time

D

Ghostlight1

I agree.

dpac414

Yep, just say you don't drink. No one's business why. I've found that if I say it up front or on the first date ("would you like a drink?" "oh no, I don't drink but I'll have a soda water etc") sets the precedent so that it's not offered to you.

It really doesn't have to be some big secret, and in my experience a lot of people don't care one bit.

Good luck and have fun!

least

If he suggest going somewhere else instead of a bar - yes! Go to a coffee shop or casual restaurant where you can talk for a while.

And yes, all you have to say is: I don't drink. No one needs to know why.

Have a good time.

BackandScared

I guess you will not be asked: do you drink alcohol? Rather,"what would you like to drink?". And you order accordingly.
If after 3 sodas he asks you if you don't drink you just say no. If he insists, you can just look perplexed not knowing what to answer or similar (my guess is nobody insists).
One of the good things of being sober is that you don't foolishly overshare with strangers.

AnvilheadII

He wants to go to a bar. I have no issues going to a bar, but whenever i tell someone i don't drink they automatically try to change plans and suggest doing something else.

well, since the primary purpose of a BAR is to consume alcohol, if you say you do not drink alcohol, it makes sense that the other person would then suggest somewhere else.

i would think, for me, i would prefer to NOT have my first date with someone be conducted at an alcohol establishment. that would be awkward at best. yes?

duane1

Flower2327

I've also been getting back out there some since getting sober about 20 months ago, and it hasn't been a big deal at all, contrary to my fears. I usually just order what I want to drink - sparkling water, diet soda - and my date gets whatever he wants, and that's that. Of maybe a dozen or so dates, only a couple of them asked follow up questions, generally because we went out more than once and they noticed the pattern. I just said as much as I felt comfortable saying at the time...I think one time I said alcohol just didn't agree with me, and another I went a bit further and said I don't drink anymore because I never wanted to have just one or two and it wasn't working for me. Come to find out the guy was several years sober from meth, so we kinda bonded over it.

I haven't been in a situation yet that was particularly wild and boozy, or with a date who pounded em down, but I'd have no qualms about politely excusing myself if that happened. I also tend to divert to coffee if someone wants to "get a drink"; I don't mind going to bars, but I'd rather not go there for the first meeting just to sit (I've been to a few game/karaoke nights, which were fine).

I will say, I didn't go on my first date after getting sober until about 9 months in. It took me that long to get myself in order and feel ready, and you really do have to feel out your own boundaries and comfort level at every stage.

newhope01

ColoradoRocky

I know you're 13 months in and getting your confidence back, but I can tell you from experience 13 months isn't usually the time to be hanging out at bars and nightclubs. But you know yourself better than I do.

If drinking comes up, you're right, you just say, "I'm not drinking." Are you driving to the bar? If you are you can tell him you aren't drinking because you're driving home (if you have to).

For all you know, he may not drink either ? ! ?

If he persists or tries to cajole you into drinking, though, then I would suggest you've learned everything you ever need to know about him and move on.

BeABetterMan

ColoradoRocky

Speaking of situations where you might feel pressured to drink.....

I will mention I had an experience a couple of weeks ago, though. I bought some hickory golf clubs from the five-time US hickory club champion. Once I got the clubs he said they have an honored tradition in their group to always seal the deal. Then he ceremoniously pulls a flask out of his back pocket and offers me a cap of whiskey, just a little thimble-full really.

It never occurred to me to drink it, but I felt pressured, and I must say I felt really, really bad about breaking with this honored tradition.

He said, "It's just a little bit." And I said, "Believe me, I've had more than my fair share in my day!" He just laughed and drank up and was cool with it.

The funny thing is, and I know this is stupid, I still feel a little bad somehow about breaking with their sacred tradition.

Good luck on your date...I hope he's a great guy.

Natom

I always used 'I don't drink thanks'. 90% of the time this didn't incite any further questioning. On the 10% of occasions it did it was almost like an icebreaker.

Date: Shall we get a bottle of wine for the table

Me: Feel free but I don't drink

Date: *furrowed brow* Do you mind if I ask why?

Me: I'm in recovery and I can guarantee you that the minute a drink passes my lips this date is only going to go one way.

Date: *laughing* What way is that?

Me: Well I'll either skip all the important parts either because I just want to have sex with you or because I've blacked out.

Date: Ha well fair enough! Do you mind if I get a glass of prosecco?

Me: Knock yourself out.

This was pretty much what used to happen in the 10% of times. Sometimes it's easier dating someone in recovery anyway. That way you're guaranteed they're as twisted and sick as you.

Good luck.

Natom

Hodd

Hodd

Natom

I've heard this saying on literally every date I've been on in my entire life, more so since prosecco became such a big thing over here. A half bottle of wine is like a couple of glasses at most for each person. In my mind it's personally reasonable to offer that up when on a date at a restaurant. Especially if they were unaware I didn't drink. Most of the time I didn't make that known till we were in the restaurant. But then I guess I've never been on a date with anyone who struggled with alcohol.

Although having said that I did live with a professed alcoholic for a bit. She'd have a bottle of prosecco for breakfast, one for lunch and another for dinner. That relationship was all types of crazy.

As the saying goes 'If you hang around the barber shop long enough you'll eventually get your haircut.' 13 months seems like a long time to be sober (and it is, don't get me wrong) but I wouldn't put myself in a location where the primary goal is to get wasted. Just my two pence.

Natom

August252015

"I don't drink."
I'd probably elaborate as I felt moved to - "I stopped [when, in general." or "I'm in recovery."

I don't hide it. Ever.

Why would I? If it bothers someone I might become intimate with then that's their problem, not mine.

DriGuy

So how do you broach this one? You know, I'm not sure, but I have certainly thought about it enough in the past, so it seems like I should know. Every time it needs to be brought up it's probably situational, so handling it might be different each time.

You can just put it out there, not when you answer the door for your date, but when it comes up. There's other issues about the drinking thing to consider too. Not all dates want to drink. Some like to have a drink or two, some can't function without getting plastered. And many of those are going to be "wait and see" surprises. Because if the guy is a drunk, he's not going to disclose that any faster than you want to disclose your tea totaling.

I've had good luck just disclosing it when it's time. It could terminate a potential relationship right away, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Basically think about dating as finding someone you enjoy being with. And most of the people out there aren't going to be that person. This is not your fault. It's not anyone's fault. It just is.

Linners820

I have dated a couple men in the past who didn't drink. One was someone who was very into fitness and also didn't like the way alcohol made him feel; one was a recovering addict. It didn't make a difference to me. Fitness guy was actually a long-term relationship. Believe me, it really is fine to just say "thanks, but I don't drink."