coldgrip

I have been reading posts for some time now. I have a 5 year history with my guy. It has been a nightmare to say the very least. He and I have battled either physically, verbally, mentally, or financially. 100% unhealthy. I am not proud of my previous behavior. I know it was completely out of character for me, which brought me here, I knew something was wrong. When I began reading the posts I quickly saw I was not alone. Which does give me a level of comfort. I also seen my approach was completely wrong. I speak to him about what I read and my opinions and feelings. At first he was beside himself about me reading the posts as if there was some secret he did not want me know. Well, it was not a secret it was a reminder, I love myself, I did actually forget that for a long time, I was so tied up in his world, trying to fix, control, help, support him and all that. Now I am taking care of ME while he is falling down drunk still crying for help, from of course ONLY me. The guilt is so bad sometimes I walk away and cry but I always leave it is his hands, claiming to him "your life and your choice". I am unclear of my own feelings at times when it comes to him. We have not lived under the same roof for almost 3 years nows. The big question is how do I live without him in my life? I need to go further, I am moving 700 miles away to help this along, the guilt I feel is becoming incredible. He has no one else I feel as if I am leaving him for dead when I know he is doing it to himself. I am open to any wise words. Sorry for long message. I feel like i could write a book.

Thank you, you are all great.

frankly

coldgrip - One of the hardest things I have ever done is let go. To be honest I'm still having a problem with it in my mind. It sounds like you are so much further along in your recovery than I am. I hope to get there one day. You can't control what happens to him weather you are 700 miles away or 2 miles away or even if he were in the same house with you. In my opinion you are doing what is right for you and ultimately that is all that any of us can really hope to accomplish. Pray for him. I'm sending a prayer up for you.

Happy Thanksgiving
Ms B

JT

Coldgrip welcome to SR,

Think about it. You have been living without him for some time now. Loving the man you remember or wish he was, could be where you are stuck. The man you are separating from is neither of those things.

Hugs,
JT

Cap3

Hi coldgrip,way to go for making healthy choices for yourself.Its not always easy to do.Especially when feeling guilty about it.Do whats best for you anyways.I use to feel what is called,,false guilt.This is where i have nothing to feel guilty about,but im feeling guitly anyways.Not use to making healthy choices,for myself.So when another tries to make me feel bad for my actions,because they are wanting me to do something different to please them.But i know,these choices are right for me,i sometimes feel guilty about it.So use to talking negitive to myself,and putting myself down,before programs.Where-ever you go there you are.With your same thoughts and same feelings.I could move to Hong Kong and still feel miserable over the same issues that,i feel, made me move in the first place,here in Canada...I am the problem.Im the one feeling all these things..Recovery is an inside job.Peace,harmony,love for self,all inside,ones self no matter where i live.Where ever you go,there are recovery programs.Al-anon,is for the family and friends of alcoholics.You are no longer all alone.Many in the rooms have been where you are.Today living effective,peaceful lives.With or with out the alcoholic in their lives.Through the 12 steps.You may want to consider this,in continuing in your growth.There is help for your friend,too.He is not all alone.All he has to do is reach out.
All the best of the best to you both.

DefofLov

Letting go has been a really tough for me, so I know how hard it is.

Just realize that you have options. You have every right to choose which option is best for you. Remember that. My counselor reminded me last week. That I can choose.

Put your guilt aside and look at the entire picture. Don't just look at him as this helpless pathetic so and so. He is also, in my own opinion, a very harmful and draining so and so. Very damaging to your own growth, personality and health. (this is just my opinion and what I percieve from my own experiences)

Like another poster said, "It doesn't matter if you are 2 miles away or 700 miles away, you cannot control him." You are also not responsible for him.

Put you first. *hug*

~Def

coldgrip

Thanks for the great responses. I understand 700 miles or 2 miles. To avoid bumping into him, and the ability to change my phone numbers without knowing/waiting for him to come knock on my door. I have walked away/change my numbers before he came to my home/work/followed me. I have explained this pain/fear to him in detail. As they say he cares for no one not even himself, he will lie, cry, throw a fit, do what ever it takes to get what he wants no matter what the cost is to me. It is amazing the masks he wears. Amazing what I seen when the rose colored glassed came off.
I went on a trip for 2 months to see how I would feel, of course he was angry, and his reason (excuse) for drinking even more, but in the last 8 months or so I have only seen him 4/5 times. As long as he can contact me he is non threatening. I was great being away. The calls were my only set back. Also I knew it was tempory and so did he. He is starting to act aggressive now because he goes back to court in 3 weeks for his 2nd OUI and he saw the for sale sign on my house.
Fear I am realizing is becoming a factor as well. I have no excuses, only the reason mentioned in a response above, I am in love with a man who does not exist anymore. The second reason being is it is much easier to not deal with him at all and I rather deal with my own demons. I feel relieved if he does not call for any length of time.
I see the false guilt and understand but do not seem to beable to control it. The man (using the term man loosely) broke my pelvis, I put him in jail. For months I felt guilty while he was in jail untill I knew he was out. Great example for false guilt so I definetly understand. Of course according to him that was my fault he went to jail. Also a great example for denial of responsibily. I know he is sick, I know what I need to do for me. I will do it. I think I am looking for the phrase to put in my head and repeat to myself. As time closes in, the thought of I can not save him, control him, blah..blah. are not working as well as they have been. A very good point was made that I have not viewed "letting go". Which is what I have been doing, I did not realise it till it was pointed at me. This is hard, without a doubt, this is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I am almost 40 and been threw a lot of things but this tops them all off. The pain is incredible.

Again thank you all

DefofLov

Yes you are doing a good job of letting go. Just stay strong. A phrase I have been saying to myself over and over again is "This is for me." "This is for me and that is okay." Hope that helps.

Stay strong.

BTW, there is nothing wrong with moving. Now is your chance to really put the limelight on you. Just you. Isn't that nice?

Rainy

Coldgrip, you're doing all the right things so stay on this path! Learning to love yourself enough to make healthy choices is a long process (for me it has been anyway)

Don't beat up on yourself for anything in your past or dwell on anything about yourself --learn from those experiences and let them go. You are on a path to serenity now, embrace it.

((hugs))

coldgrip

Wonderful advice, "Embrace it" that I have not been doing. I have let fear/guilt over ride my happiness.

"This is for me and that is okay" Sometimes I feel I am selfish in my decsion but I need to save myself. Just does not always feel "okay". Sometimes I beat myself over my own head with my decisions I have made for myself.

He called tonight (2 am) completely drunk. Usually I hold my anger back pretend everything is fine but I heard his voice/tone/slurring and such and I flipped. I gave the speach about do not call me, it is over, go away, move on with your life, then I hung up on him.

Now 2 hour later I wonder what the consequences for that will be. I know I am safe till morning.

I spoke to my parents today my mother said something that is sticking with me she said "God does not give you more than you can handle". both of my parents have been great through all of this and neither one of them understands it at the same time. My dad always says "when it comes to matters of the heart it is unexplainable" I am greateful for my family they are the best support sytem. It is hard to talk to them sometimes, I do not want them to be ashamed of me.

thank you

Magichappens

Hi coldgrip,
Getting support from people who understand is a great way to help us to have comfort and strength in tough times. Coming here has been a big part of my recovery, as has Al-Anon, and counselling.

You say you are looking for a helpful phrase that you can use. I am not religious, and don't know how you feel about God and prayer, but the serenity prayer has gotten me through a lot.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes the words help, and sometimes it's like a chant to help clear my head of the obsessive worry and guilt that gets in there.

Glad you found us. Stick around. There are some great people and good support here. Hugs, Magic

Rainy

Coldgrip, don't dwell on past decisions, learn from them and then let them go.

My parents have told me the same thing before about God not giving us more than we are capable of handling...I used to get really angry and think "why does God give me SO much? what did I ever do to deserve THIS much?"

Now, when I reflect on where I was and the path I am on now, I can say I am truly grateful for the experiences that have caused me to be the person I am today.

It's not easy NOT to feel guilt and remorse for our pasts but if you remember that He forgives all and He does not want us to stay stuck in our pasts, it can help you to let go.

Something that has helped me a lot is to keep a journal. I can "see" the progress I've made..in my own words, and I can feel proud of myself for the changes in me.

You do need to save yourself and you are making right choices in your life. I think part of the reason dealing with an addict is so hard for us is b/c we don't understand it and we really want to--so it will make some kind of sense to us. A counselor at the rehab my H attended gave me the best advice: "I've been here 15+ years and I STILL don't understand this disease, but that is not important, all that is important for you is to stop thinking you can fix things and put your focus where it belongs..on you and your recovery."

Let your past go and focus on today.

((hugs))

coldgrip

Again thank you all for the great words.

Funny keeping a journal was mentioned, I have been keeping one, I have kept one I can see the progress as well, yet a long rode remains to travel nice to know I am not alone.

I am happy I found you all here.