Is this what the 9th step feels like?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Oakland
Posts: 561
Is this what the 9th step feels like?
If so...😟😞😩
my neighbor yelled at me and threatened to call the cops cause I put trash in her bin on garbage day. Also my dog has been 💩ing on her lawn. I apologized as best I could. The worst part is that I was wrong. I don't think she should care about the garbage but that's her prerogative. The 💩 was probably the last straw. I hate when people don't like me. I hate having to apologize. I want everyone to think I'm a kind, generous martyr. Am I really just a selfish, bitter, attention seeker? I hate myself. Still sober.
my neighbor yelled at me and threatened to call the cops cause I put trash in her bin on garbage day. Also my dog has been 💩ing on her lawn. I apologized as best I could. The worst part is that I was wrong. I don't think she should care about the garbage but that's her prerogative. The 💩 was probably the last straw. I hate when people don't like me. I hate having to apologize. I want everyone to think I'm a kind, generous martyr. Am I really just a selfish, bitter, attention seeker? I hate myself. Still sober.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,746
You might be making it more complicated than it has to be. Did you not know it was her bin when you put your trash in it? As for the dog poop, that's easy: don't let your dog poop on her lawn, or clean it up immediately. Then you won't have anything to apologize for.
Glad you're still sober.
Glad you're still sober.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: France
Posts: 3,040
You will never find a person that is liked by everyone, that’s just life, you’re neighbor may have things going on in their life and took it out on you, we never know what goes on behind closed doors, you feel bad about the situation but it’s not you’re problem to worry about other peoples actions, get on with your day and try and forget about it 👍
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well trash is a funny thing. It 'shouldn't' matter, but it does. Since we all have our own bins, and often pay higher prices for more bins etc seems just one of those boundaries ya don't break.
Dog poop. Dogs poop. But I always clean it up. So if the dog is pooping and you aren't cleaning it up right away, again, bad form.
You aren't black and white press. You aren't either a Saint or a demon. You are human. You screwed up. Don't do it again. Own it and move on. If this has happened with the neighbor more than once, neighbor has the right to be irritated. Maybe leave a nice house plant on the front porch with a card.
But ya don't have to get all sore about it. This is an emotional maturity opportunity.
Dog poop. Dogs poop. But I always clean it up. So if the dog is pooping and you aren't cleaning it up right away, again, bad form.
You aren't black and white press. You aren't either a Saint or a demon. You are human. You screwed up. Don't do it again. Own it and move on. If this has happened with the neighbor more than once, neighbor has the right to be irritated. Maybe leave a nice house plant on the front porch with a card.
But ya don't have to get all sore about it. This is an emotional maturity opportunity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the 9th step is a process that comes ONLY after thoroughly working thru the other EIGHT steps, in order.
Amends are not about saying I'm Sorry OR apologizing in the hopes that people will like us. We make amends for our recognized transgressions in order to release resentment, fear and deceit. We hope the amends do some good to those we have offended, but that is not our decision to make FOR them.
i'd be ticked too if someone else's dog kept pooping in my yard. and then if that person had the gall to use the garbage bin that i pay for.
Amends are not about saying I'm Sorry OR apologizing in the hopes that people will like us. We make amends for our recognized transgressions in order to release resentment, fear and deceit. We hope the amends do some good to those we have offended, but that is not our decision to make FOR them.
i'd be ticked too if someone else's dog kept pooping in my yard. and then if that person had the gall to use the garbage bin that i pay for.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Nah, the 9th step feels really different. I don't think you're there yet. I hope you'll get there, though.
One of the gifts of recovery has been to have a clearer view of myself in the world. I'm not a martyr and I'm not a saint. Not everyone likes me, some people do, most people are indifferent. I don't hate myself any more.
It's funny how we can hate ourselves and then want everyone else to love us for being perfect. I was similar. It's an exhausting way to live.
Let it go. You're not perfect. No one is. You're just another person trying to live out her life without quite knowing what you're doing. Welcome to the club.
Stay sober, do the right thing, don't beat yourself up (but don't treat others badly either), and things will be ok. And clean up after your dog.
Hope your day goes well.
One of the gifts of recovery has been to have a clearer view of myself in the world. I'm not a martyr and I'm not a saint. Not everyone likes me, some people do, most people are indifferent. I don't hate myself any more.
It's funny how we can hate ourselves and then want everyone else to love us for being perfect. I was similar. It's an exhausting way to live.
Let it go. You're not perfect. No one is. You're just another person trying to live out her life without quite knowing what you're doing. Welcome to the club.
Stay sober, do the right thing, don't beat yourself up (but don't treat others badly either), and things will be ok. And clean up after your dog.
Hope your day goes well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
Press and everybody, not to get technical, but if my memory serves me isn't this the Tenth Step? I thought I remember the Ninth as being an extension of the Fourth and Eighth Steps (you make an inventory, you make a list, you call 'em up when you can), having to do with cleaning up the past.
I don't have a Big Book to check on this, but maybe somebody can correct me if I'm wrong.
I don't have a Big Book to check on this, but maybe somebody can correct me if I'm wrong.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
nope, the 10th step says:
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
steps 4 thru 7 are about our personal inventory, sharing it with another human being, becoming willing to have the defects of character removed, and then humbly asking our higher power to remove them - IF they stand in the way of our being useful to the greater good - NOT just because we ask.
After we cleared that wreckage away, got humble and ready - then we make a list of those we have harmed and became willing to make amends.
Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
steps 4 thru 7 are about our personal inventory, sharing it with another human being, becoming willing to have the defects of character removed, and then humbly asking our higher power to remove them - IF they stand in the way of our being useful to the greater good - NOT just because we ask.
After we cleared that wreckage away, got humble and ready - then we make a list of those we have harmed and became willing to make amends.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Is this what the 9th step feels like?
No. And when you are done with step 8 you'll be ready.
No. And when you are done with step 8 you'll be ready.
You’ll know recovery is working when you look back in that post and see it in a completely different way. It’s not about your neighbor being mad at you, it’s more about learning to be a better neighbor.
People might still get mad for no reason sometimes, but with recovery, we learn what part is ours to own and what’s someone else’s bs to shrug off.
Keep plugging, you’ll get there.
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