What to do??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
What to do??
So this is my first post. I am new here. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about my situation. I have been married for 14 years to the love of my life. And have 2 beautiful kids. Ages 14 and 11. My husband was a heavy drinker when we were younger and after we had our first kid. We got in church and he completely quit. Cold turkey. And went for about 7 years sober. We had what I thought was the perfect life. But then things went sour. Had a few life things pop up and he turned back to drinking. Not a little bit either. Heavily. And he hasn’t stopped. Every single day he drinks vodka. He doesn’t drink it around me. He does it in his building after he gets home for work. So I’m not sure how much. But it’s enough to where when he comes inside you can see it all over him. He tries his best to act normal. But when you can’t walk straight. It’s very obvious what’s going on. He doesn’t care to drink in front of me he just doesn’t do it in front of our kids. Anyways. The past few months have been a nightmare. We do nothing but fight every night. He comes in and I get a lecture every night about how I do nothing right. I don’t cook, clean, discipline the kids, have sex, etc. the right way. He thinks he is always right and that his drinking is my fault. If I would just be a better wife and mother. He wouldn’t be so stressed and wouldn’t have to drink. I have been told how stupid I am. How I am ruining our kids because in his mind I’m trying to baby them all the time. When in reality I’m just trying to hide the stupid crap he’s doing. Any time we get into a fight he throws out the divorce word. If I don’t like this I can just find someone else. And then the next day he acts like nothing has happened. Until he gets home from work and it starts all over. Sober he is a great man. He works hard and provides for our family. I am a stay at home mom. I work a little doing bookkeeping and payroll for a few small businesses but not enough to provide for the kids on my own. I have nothing. I have no money Everything is in his name. I left once and came home because he said he would do anything to save our marriage. We could go to counseling or anything. But of course when I came home. That was the end of that. As much as he drinks I honestly don’t know how he is even surviving. I don’t know how much longer his body can take the abuse he is doing to it. Part of me wants out and part of me still loves him. Then I think about my kids. They love him so much. And I try to hide all that is going on. So they have no idea anything is going on except they hear us fight I’m sure after they go to bed. It just saddens me to think this is wear I am. No one knows anything. I cover for him and hide the drinking. Because it’s so embarrassing. His dad was an alcoholic and died from pancreatic cancer at 52. And drs said it was caused from his drinking. And he didn’t drink nearly as much as my husband. I have prayed for him to just have an affair and let me find out. Like that would make it more “ok” for me to leave. Anyways. As I write this I think I’m so stupid for even being here. I just don’t know what to do anymore
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, gently--you are not doing yourself or your kids any favors by trying to hide the truth from them. They may not know the details of what is going on, but they know something isn't right, and they are learning that you cannot be trusted to be honest with them about it.
I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in, but it is not an impossible one. He cannot be counted on for anything at this point. You must turn your energy and focus on yourself and your kids. Stop covering for him. Build yourself a support system. Your kids deserve one healthy parent who is putting their best interests first, and you deserve a life free of this abusive treatment. You are far from stupid for being here. Coming here may have been the first step in rescuing yourself from this life.
I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in, but it is not an impossible one. He cannot be counted on for anything at this point. You must turn your energy and focus on yourself and your kids. Stop covering for him. Build yourself a support system. Your kids deserve one healthy parent who is putting their best interests first, and you deserve a life free of this abusive treatment. You are far from stupid for being here. Coming here may have been the first step in rescuing yourself from this life.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
hi clowery and welcome.
First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You know, I get the "waiting" for some kind of huge catalyst to end a relationship. You are talking about an affair, I'm sure you have thought, if he just hit me, punched me in the face. Then you could storm out the door with your kids, and never look back.
You know what, none of that is necessary.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and that is not what you are receiving here.
As for your kids, this is a really negative environment and as much as you might like to think you are protecting them they actually know exactly what's going on and it does affect them.
I grew up in a household with an alcoholic Father as well. My Mother certainly tried to protect us in that we didn't sit there and witness all the arguments etc. Still, we knew exactly what was happening. Just because they might be in bed while he is in a drunken rage doesn't mean they are somehow deaf or stupid. They are not and they hear all and see, when they are up and he stumbles in, exactly what's going on. I just think it's important that you don't have denial about this because you are all that is between them and this dysfunction. Speaking to them about it, acknowledging it is a much better approach in my opinion. How do they know you have their back if you don't show that in really tangible ways?
None of that is said to make you feel guilty by the way.
As for you and your Husband, he has been strolling in off his face drunk pretty much every night for 7 years. When is it going to be enough for you?
Perhaps a plan is in order? I understand that financially you might not be in a position to leave, however there may be resources for you. Rent support, food and other resources. Also it's good that you have at least been in the workforce in a limited way, is there a chance that you could find full time employment?
I'm sure you have thought about this, what do you think your options are?
First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You know, I get the "waiting" for some kind of huge catalyst to end a relationship. You are talking about an affair, I'm sure you have thought, if he just hit me, punched me in the face. Then you could storm out the door with your kids, and never look back.
You know what, none of that is necessary.
You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and that is not what you are receiving here.
As for your kids, this is a really negative environment and as much as you might like to think you are protecting them they actually know exactly what's going on and it does affect them.
I grew up in a household with an alcoholic Father as well. My Mother certainly tried to protect us in that we didn't sit there and witness all the arguments etc. Still, we knew exactly what was happening. Just because they might be in bed while he is in a drunken rage doesn't mean they are somehow deaf or stupid. They are not and they hear all and see, when they are up and he stumbles in, exactly what's going on. I just think it's important that you don't have denial about this because you are all that is between them and this dysfunction. Speaking to them about it, acknowledging it is a much better approach in my opinion. How do they know you have their back if you don't show that in really tangible ways?
None of that is said to make you feel guilty by the way.
As for you and your Husband, he has been strolling in off his face drunk pretty much every night for 7 years. When is it going to be enough for you?
Perhaps a plan is in order? I understand that financially you might not be in a position to leave, however there may be resources for you. Rent support, food and other resources. Also it's good that you have at least been in the workforce in a limited way, is there a chance that you could find full time employment?
I'm sure you have thought about this, what do you think your options are?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Welcome Clowery, I agree with the other posters and encourage
you to start going to alanon. Your 14 year old is old enough
for alateen.
Secrecy and denial are the foundations of addiction, IMHO.
Going to alanon, alateen, counseling if necessary, are all
ways to break the secrecy and denial.
Living with active alcoholism is living with mental illness and
all family members are affected, and the children even more
because they are left guessing how bad things are if no adult
is there to talk about the truth with them.
So sorry ((hugs))
you to start going to alanon. Your 14 year old is old enough
for alateen.
Secrecy and denial are the foundations of addiction, IMHO.
Going to alanon, alateen, counseling if necessary, are all
ways to break the secrecy and denial.
Living with active alcoholism is living with mental illness and
all family members are affected, and the children even more
because they are left guessing how bad things are if no adult
is there to talk about the truth with them.
So sorry ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Clowery.
I'm sorry for your pain. First off, you are not stupid for being here. This is the smartest move you could have made. you need to be around other people you can talk with and help you through this. It is painful to see the love of your life treat you the way he is. Your AH has been taken over by alcohol. The Alcohol will say anything to keep it ahead of you. That way he thinks he needs it more then he needs you.
You have done nothing wrong. Your AH need help and until he gets help there is very little you can do for him. You need to look after your kids and yourself. Don't be embarrassed by this. Get help and talk to a friend. You will feel better once you start talking about it and getting help for it. Have a beautiful day and we are here for you.
I'm sorry for your pain. First off, you are not stupid for being here. This is the smartest move you could have made. you need to be around other people you can talk with and help you through this. It is painful to see the love of your life treat you the way he is. Your AH has been taken over by alcohol. The Alcohol will say anything to keep it ahead of you. That way he thinks he needs it more then he needs you.
You have done nothing wrong. Your AH need help and until he gets help there is very little you can do for him. You need to look after your kids and yourself. Don't be embarrassed by this. Get help and talk to a friend. You will feel better once you start talking about it and getting help for it. Have a beautiful day and we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
Clowery,
Above all, you are not stupid. Instead, you are courageous for take a step to help yourself. Living with an active alcoholic is all consuming of our time, thoughts, and energy where we have little left for our children, let alone ourselves. All of us here have lived, or are living what you are going through.
I can remember when I used to pray that my ex alcoholic husband would just die because it would make things so much easier for me. Easier because I couldn't tell anyone what was going on in my home, it was too embarrassing, so if he would just do me the favor of passing on he would be doing me a great favor (crazy!). From the outside, my family looked picture perfect and no one suspected a thing. I foolishly thought that I was keeping this from my children, too, but they always knew; as a matter of fact, they were relieved when I finally said something about their fathers alcoholism so they didn't think they were crazy with their own thoughts.
I would like to encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You can look one up doing a google search. This is where you will find others who have experienced what you have and where you will learn tools to help you through all of the rough times as well as great support from its members who understand. After a little time, you will find answers!
Be kind to yourself, it's hard living in a home with active alcoholism. Keep posting and find a local Al-Anon group and connect with someone you can confide in.
Big hugs
Above all, you are not stupid. Instead, you are courageous for take a step to help yourself. Living with an active alcoholic is all consuming of our time, thoughts, and energy where we have little left for our children, let alone ourselves. All of us here have lived, or are living what you are going through.
I can remember when I used to pray that my ex alcoholic husband would just die because it would make things so much easier for me. Easier because I couldn't tell anyone what was going on in my home, it was too embarrassing, so if he would just do me the favor of passing on he would be doing me a great favor (crazy!). From the outside, my family looked picture perfect and no one suspected a thing. I foolishly thought that I was keeping this from my children, too, but they always knew; as a matter of fact, they were relieved when I finally said something about their fathers alcoholism so they didn't think they were crazy with their own thoughts.
I would like to encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area. You can look one up doing a google search. This is where you will find others who have experienced what you have and where you will learn tools to help you through all of the rough times as well as great support from its members who understand. After a little time, you will find answers!
Be kind to yourself, it's hard living in a home with active alcoholism. Keep posting and find a local Al-Anon group and connect with someone you can confide in.
Big hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
clowery…...you might want to start thinking about full time employment opportunities. Even though your husband is providing the financial support for the family now, with how much he is drinking, sooner or later, the job may become impacted or his health will give out. You will need to be able to support the family, and, yourself, on your own. You may not have any choice in the matter, at that point. (just talking reality, here)….
Being full time employed will do wonders for your own sense of independence and self confidence...
On another note----I suggest that you might get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....as it is the most frequently recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I think that you will find that a lot of it will resonate with you....
You can get it, used, on amazon.com, or at the local library.....
Being full time employed will do wonders for your own sense of independence and self confidence...
On another note----I suggest that you might get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....as it is the most frequently recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and I think that you will find that a lot of it will resonate with you....
You can get it, used, on amazon.com, or at the local library.....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I’m going to go out on a further limb. Based on how verbally abusive he’s been treating you... and the fact that it’s getting worse and worse... I think your #1 priority would be brainstorming if there was someone you & your kid could stay with — along with.. what you could do for employment. I think those are far more of a priority than anything else. Well, followed by legal advice.
Now if you aren’t ready or can’t even consider that right now... definitely read up on codependency and attend Al-Anon (which are both extremely helpful!). Also consider therapy for yourself so you can start focusing on your own thoughts, emotions, dreams, passions... and making concrete goals for yourself.
I know all this is ALOT to take in and grasp. It may even be too much, right now. Just know we are all here for you. You do have options! You aren’t stupid! You are loving person... it’s just time to love yourself!
Now if you aren’t ready or can’t even consider that right now... definitely read up on codependency and attend Al-Anon (which are both extremely helpful!). Also consider therapy for yourself so you can start focusing on your own thoughts, emotions, dreams, passions... and making concrete goals for yourself.
I know all this is ALOT to take in and grasp. It may even be too much, right now. Just know we are all here for you. You do have options! You aren’t stupid! You are loving person... it’s just time to love yourself!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
Clowery,
It's exhausting isn't it? I am so sad that you are going through all of this and feeling like you are absolutely alone. I feel your pain and confusion through your words and can only offer that we are here for you... to listen, to try to answer questions, to offer resources and to share. Please don't feel stupid... loving someone is never stupid.
I don't have anything new or earthshattering to say at this time as your (and my) support group has already covered a few starting places. Try to come here often even if it is simply to be amongst people who get it... we all do.
Sending you hugs and peace.
MGG
It's exhausting isn't it? I am so sad that you are going through all of this and feeling like you are absolutely alone. I feel your pain and confusion through your words and can only offer that we are here for you... to listen, to try to answer questions, to offer resources and to share. Please don't feel stupid... loving someone is never stupid.
I don't have anything new or earthshattering to say at this time as your (and my) support group has already covered a few starting places. Try to come here often even if it is simply to be amongst people who get it... we all do.
Sending you hugs and peace.
MGG
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
While you have gotten great feedback, I wanted to drop in and say, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! These fine folks have gotten me through some of my darkest days. This is a place of great support. I am sorry for what brings you here, but so glad you are here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 114
Thanks so much for all the feedback. I have tried to hide it for so long. It’s hard to even have the words to say. Especially to my kids. But it’s just gotten to the point where they are seeing something isn’t right. The fighting has just really taken a turn. I have an appointment to go see my doctor and start by talking with her. And maybe try and find a counselor that will take my insurance. Because I don’t have any funds to pay one. I did call and schedule an appointment to have a consultation with a lawyer today. I have family that I can stay with if needed. That would be very supportive. They of course no nothing right now. As far as the job situation if I was to get a full time job while still being in the house. He would automatically know what I was planning. He told me the other day if I left I better have a good f***ing plan. Which scares me because of my kids. I’m so afraid he will try and take them from me because I’m not financially ok. That’s the way he likes it to. So I can be dependent on him. Yet while fussing about it. But my parents would take us in instantly if I needed. And they are financially ok. Just don’t know how much they would be willing to help in that department.
The whole worry I have is my kids. I can’t let him have them. I don’t want to keep them from him. I just don’t want him to take them and not give them back. Which is what horrifies me. He will not play fair. And he would have the money for a lawyer. I would not.
The whole worry I have is my kids. I can’t let him have them. I don’t want to keep them from him. I just don’t want him to take them and not give them back. Which is what horrifies me. He will not play fair. And he would have the money for a lawyer. I would not.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
clowery…..I do not know where you live...but, here in the States...a mother can't have her children taken away just because of financial reasons. Being the children's father and that you two are married...he will have financial obligations to give support...and, splitting of the marital assets.
I am not a lawyer, but, I am so glad t hat you are seeing one! You may be assuming a lot of things that simply aren't factual. Just because he says something...doesn't mean that it is true. Find out the facts and all of your rights.
You might appreciate the following website that I am giving you a link to. It is educational, in nature, and can help you to organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask the lawyer....
It is arranged by state....
www.womansdivorce.com
I am not a lawyer, but, I am so glad t hat you are seeing one! You may be assuming a lot of things that simply aren't factual. Just because he says something...doesn't mean that it is true. Find out the facts and all of your rights.
You might appreciate the following website that I am giving you a link to. It is educational, in nature, and can help you to organize your thoughts and know what questions to ask the lawyer....
It is arranged by state....
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
You can perhaps contact legal aid for assistance clowery.
One thing to fight is living in fear. His secret is not yours to keep.
You have done nothing wrong! I am sure that after years of living with this secret that all seems very counter-intuitive and scary, but the truth will set you free.
Sounds like your family is very supportive and maybe you might want to consider letting them know what you are struggling with here. Who knows what resources or contacts they have that may help you. If nothing else it gives you comfort and more people to lean on.
You are absolutely not alone. You have us and you have your family.
One thing to fight is living in fear. His secret is not yours to keep.
You have done nothing wrong! I am sure that after years of living with this secret that all seems very counter-intuitive and scary, but the truth will set you free.
Sounds like your family is very supportive and maybe you might want to consider letting them know what you are struggling with here. Who knows what resources or contacts they have that may help you. If nothing else it gives you comfort and more people to lean on.
You are absolutely not alone. You have us and you have your family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
You are NOT alone. Alcoholics live a lie so “making” others (especially their partners) keep their secret (along with so many other secrets) is extremely common. It’s hell carrying that weight. I was there... eats you alive until I broke down emotionally and physically. I could no longer hide in a hole of quick sand with my alcoholic/abusive ex girlfriend. I began sharing my trauma and slowly that empowered me... thus, bringing more clarity to my life. It was a painful but essential process. Once you have more clarity, you can step back and see just how toxic and abusive a relationship can be. Listen, sounds like you have a supportive and loving family... consider slowly communicating and maybe, by doing so... you’ll realize that, with support comes power and no one on this planet has the right to abuse you (verbally or physically)... make decisions for you... threaten you or your children... belittle you... mock you... lie to you... disregard your well-being/feelings... use finances as a threat or empowerment...
You have taken the first step. There’s many more ahead... and each one gets better and better!
You have taken the first step. There’s many more ahead... and each one gets better and better!
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