New to forum 👋🏼
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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New to forum 👋🏼
Good morning! My first post after much debate of actually telling my story and seeking outside support, so bare with me please 🙃 Backstory: been together with my AH for over 30 years, yes high school sweethearts. He’s always drank moderately but around 10 years ago his drinking started getting worse. 4 years ago I found out he was talking online to a “skank” and that’s my nice word for her 😳 he knew in high school. And not Hi what have you been up to stuff. He was dumb enough not to delete the messages and it totally devestated me. I stayed and he promised it was nothing and wouldn’t happen again, and I was stupid enough to believe him! Well it happened again months later! And again I stayed. So that’s when I started losing my trust and respect for him. I also started driving myself crazy stalking his phone and online activity. Well more **** happened and u know, I still stayed because I truly, deeply love him for some crazy reason. Around 3 years ago it became a case of beer every night and if he ran out whatever fruity drink of mine he could find (I drink maybe 1 or 2 glasses of “girly” drinks a week) and this is mainly because he would get it for me and say come on just drink 1 with me. Anywho we have 3 children, our 14 year old son is the only one living at home. About 2 weeks ago my AH moved out (not far just down the road) I had threatened for years of leaving him etc. and no response. He actually laughed when this time I was serious! He won’t admit or seek any type of treatment for his drinking, complete denial. I really thought I was the only 1 suffering until my son came crying to me that he couldn’t take it anymore and that was my breaking point! Our son and our daughters ( FYI the girls wanted me to leave long ago) are all very close. We have a wonderful mother/son bond and I started to see our son pulling away and hiding in his room. I’m still kick myself for not acting sooner. He wants his father back desperately 😢 and I am pissed that my AH is ignoring my pleas, begging, crying and finally screaming to get help! My AH is a narcissist, verbally abusive, poor me attitude, jeckle and hyde and has jealousy issues (great combo when he’s drinking). I used to try and ignore him, placate him, make excuses for him, you know all the standard stuff we do. Until recently I started standing up for myself and our fighting escalated. Never physical only verbal. Of course he remembers barely anything the next day and wonders why I’m upset and basically that plays on auto loop for months. I could write a book on all the junk he spewed at me 🤔 He never says sorry or feels bad, just acts as though all is well. Well things have been said and done that I just can’t get over, I literally think of all that crap everyday and just can’t seem to make it get out of my head!! How do I stop the insanity? What do I do next when I’m not even sure our marriage can be saved? How do you help someone that won’t help themselves? He still stops by whenever he feels like it, and yes drunken I miss you etc. text messages at night and basically ignores me thru the day (which I don’t mind lol). I want him to get better for the sake of our kids and we have a new precious granddaughter ❤️ But Im not sure I ever want him back. I don’t want to give him false hope for us but I also want to help him. I’m stuck on the fence!
I will admit it feels wonderful going to bed and waking up without the train wreck in my house 🙂
Thanks for listening to me ramble! Whew
I will admit it feels wonderful going to bed and waking up without the train wreck in my house 🙂
Thanks for listening to me ramble! Whew
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
I don't think he is ready to quit, and on top of all the other issues, there may not be much worth saving here, at least for now.
What positive steps such as therapy, etc. can you take for yourself and your kids?
Putting the attention on yourself and them will be of far more benefit than thinking about what he might or might not want / do at this point.
So sorry you have suffered so much. Addiction really is a family disease.
What positive steps such as therapy, etc. can you take for yourself and your kids?
Putting the attention on yourself and them will be of far more benefit than thinking about what he might or might not want / do at this point.
So sorry you have suffered so much. Addiction really is a family disease.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. This is a place of great support.
He obviously is not serious about recovery. That is obvious. Stop pleading. Stop begging. Stop trying to get him to change his midset, it won't happen. Instead, get yourself and your kids into counseling with a therapist who is familiar and works with families dealing with addition. Put the focus back on YOU and your children.
And this stopping by whenever, that should stop. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Just my two cents. Sending lots of support as I know it's a painful path.
He obviously is not serious about recovery. That is obvious. Stop pleading. Stop begging. Stop trying to get him to change his midset, it won't happen. Instead, get yourself and your kids into counseling with a therapist who is familiar and works with families dealing with addition. Put the focus back on YOU and your children.
And this stopping by whenever, that should stop. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Just my two cents. Sending lots of support as I know it's a painful path.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
FarmhouseGal,
Thanks for sharing with us your story. You can ramble anytime you want. That is what we are here for. I know it has to hurt that you High School Sweetheart has come to love Alcohol more then you and your family. You can yell and scream all you want, and they wont change. They have to want to change. It sounds like he doesn't even think he has a problem.
For me when I started to get upset and think about the things my AW did, I put on some soothing music (Lauren Daigle) and go for a walk. This helps me clear my head and relax me and helps me focus on the problems at hand.
I hope you have a good rest of the day and be strong for yourself and for your kids. You guys come first.
Thanks for sharing with us your story. You can ramble anytime you want. That is what we are here for. I know it has to hurt that you High School Sweetheart has come to love Alcohol more then you and your family. You can yell and scream all you want, and they wont change. They have to want to change. It sounds like he doesn't even think he has a problem.
For me when I started to get upset and think about the things my AW did, I put on some soothing music (Lauren Daigle) and go for a walk. This helps me clear my head and relax me and helps me focus on the problems at hand.
I hope you have a good rest of the day and be strong for yourself and for your kids. You guys come first.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
This is actually my first step. I literally have ever told 1 person about my home life. I’m a very private person. Hate drama! So I’m looking for al anon group near me but I’m afraid to actually go. Makes it very real for me I guess. My son does need to talk to someone besides me but he is a typical boy and says he’s fine. So I’m working on that. I do realize he’s not ready to quit, it doesn’t help his dad is his drinking buddy most nights. I got sick of sounding like a broken record, getting my hopes up only to have him squash them! I think I’m realistic about things 🤷🏼*♀️ I know I have to tell him to quit just stopping by, but I feel so bad. It’s still his house too and he acts as though he’s coming back soon. I too think it’s time to cut strings but he just won’t have it. I hear maybe when they hit rick bottom maybe things will change, but I’m with you I just dont see it happening and my heart is finally catching up to what me brain already knew 💔
I think a big worry is people we know finding out, which will happen eventually since he’s not living here now. I have to get over that, in the sense that I don’t want him to be the bad guy or have people talk about him around town. I’m still protecting him and I don’t know how to stop!
I think a big worry is people we know finding out, which will happen eventually since he’s not living here now. I have to get over that, in the sense that I don’t want him to be the bad guy or have people talk about him around town. I’m still protecting him and I don’t know how to stop!
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
FHG,
Glad you are here and posting! Welcome to a great support system and a wealth of knowledge, experience and understanding.
You are at the beginning of a journey of learning all about alcoholism so the more you know about the disease the better equipt you will be to set boundries.
You cannot cure or control an alcoholic so your time and energy MUST be on you and your children.
No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, crying, threatening, promising, and whatever you think will change things will work on an alcoholic that is not ready to face or admit their problem. Stop beating a dead horse and start working on yourself and your future. Listen to those who love you. Get away from him. Please be brave and get to a meeting. It will change your life and also help you to help your son. Show him that his well being is important.
Glad you are here and posting! Welcome to a great support system and a wealth of knowledge, experience and understanding.
You are at the beginning of a journey of learning all about alcoholism so the more you know about the disease the better equipt you will be to set boundries.
You cannot cure or control an alcoholic so your time and energy MUST be on you and your children.
No amount of begging, pleading, arguing, crying, threatening, promising, and whatever you think will change things will work on an alcoholic that is not ready to face or admit their problem. Stop beating a dead horse and start working on yourself and your future. Listen to those who love you. Get away from him. Please be brave and get to a meeting. It will change your life and also help you to help your son. Show him that his well being is important.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Thank you for your support! I can’t seem to figure out how to respond individually but I’ll work on that. I am happy I was finally able to get up the nerve to separate myself from him (if only slightly for now) I completely understand why we spouses stay and others finally leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but... I realized I lost my identity, lost my happiness and was simply being and not living life anymore. He said I put our children before him and I said yes of course I do!! He doesn’t think that’s right. If anyone can suggest some good reads for me or my son (we both love to read) that’d be great! That was my escape mechanism at night when things were bad! You can’t beat a good book 📖
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FhG…...yes, do go to the alanon meeting. You will find lots of acceptance and understanding, there. You can just sit and listen...nobody expects you to talk if you don't feel like it.....It will also set an example for your son...that you are getting help.....
He could use alateen meetings, himself. Even if he doesn't love the idea---you are still the mother and you are in charge....
In addition to alanon...I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....it is the most recommended book on this forum....It is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you. You can get it at the library or on amazon.com.
I also suggest that you get the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA). It will help you to understand the effect that this alcoholism has had on your children. They would benefit from reading the literature, also. There are several books written on the subject.....
You can find it on amazon.com ….just type in "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....
In alanon ...as well as counseling...you will learn a lot about "Boundaries"...and how to use them for your own protection and welfare.....Like, for instance--how to make boundaries about your husband just dropping in when ever he wants....
You have spent many years with you (and the children) centering your family life around your husband's alcoholism...and, look where it has gotten you...
It is now time to change that and start to live a healthy life---you and the kids are entitled to that!
Don't feel bad about setting boundaries...your husband needs to experience the consequences of his actions...like we all do.....
He could use alateen meetings, himself. Even if he doesn't love the idea---you are still the mother and you are in charge....
In addition to alanon...I suggest that you get a copy of "Co-dependent No More"....it is the most recommended book on this forum....It is an easy read and I think a lot of it will resonate with you. You can get it at the library or on amazon.com.
I also suggest that you get the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA). It will help you to understand the effect that this alcoholism has had on your children. They would benefit from reading the literature, also. There are several books written on the subject.....
You can find it on amazon.com ….just type in "Adult Children of Alcoholics"....
In alanon ...as well as counseling...you will learn a lot about "Boundaries"...and how to use them for your own protection and welfare.....Like, for instance--how to make boundaries about your husband just dropping in when ever he wants....
You have spent many years with you (and the children) centering your family life around your husband's alcoholism...and, look where it has gotten you...
It is now time to change that and start to live a healthy life---you and the kids are entitled to that!
Don't feel bad about setting boundaries...your husband needs to experience the consequences of his actions...like we all do.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I don't think he is ready to quit, and on top of all the other issues, there may not be much worth saving here, at least for now.
What positive steps such as therapy, etc. can you take for yourself and your kids?
Putting the attention on yourself and them will be of far more benefit than thinking about what he might or might not want / do at this point.
So sorry you have suffered so much. Addiction really is a family disease.
What positive steps such as therapy, etc. can you take for yourself and your kids?
Putting the attention on yourself and them will be of far more benefit than thinking about what he might or might not want / do at this point.
So sorry you have suffered so much. Addiction really is a family disease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
hi farmhouse gal.
Well, I'm sorry for your situation, if you have read around the forum here at all you know that your story is familiar, unfortunately.
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). This is really important to remember. You have little to no control over anything he does, which includes drinking. If he wants to drink and it certainly seems like he is well in to his addiction with alcohol, then he is going to.
He has been drinking for a while, so I'm sure you have researched alcoholism a bit. The more you know the better, not for him, for you, to know what you are dealing with.
You mention that you are quite content now he has left so do you wonder why you would even consider welcoming him back? Certainly while he is still drinking with no indication of him seeking help.
I second the idea of getting yourself and your kids in to counselling if at all possible (no use taking an alcoholic in to counselling with you btw), have you checked out AlaTeen for your Son? I would encourage you to go to Al-Anon, nothing scary there! This is real, your Husband is an alcoholic and it is affecting all of you in a very negative way (especially your Son). You will actually feel better once you start moving forward (seems scary now and and it is a bit, but it will be worth it).
Well, I'm sorry for your situation, if you have read around the forum here at all you know that your story is familiar, unfortunately.
First things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). This is really important to remember. You have little to no control over anything he does, which includes drinking. If he wants to drink and it certainly seems like he is well in to his addiction with alcohol, then he is going to.
He has been drinking for a while, so I'm sure you have researched alcoholism a bit. The more you know the better, not for him, for you, to know what you are dealing with.
You mention that you are quite content now he has left so do you wonder why you would even consider welcoming him back? Certainly while he is still drinking with no indication of him seeking help.
I second the idea of getting yourself and your kids in to counselling if at all possible (no use taking an alcoholic in to counselling with you btw), have you checked out AlaTeen for your Son? I would encourage you to go to Al-Anon, nothing scary there! This is real, your Husband is an alcoholic and it is affecting all of you in a very negative way (especially your Son). You will actually feel better once you start moving forward (seems scary now and and it is a bit, but it will be worth it).
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,717
FHG,
The greatest "thank you" here at SR is that you stay with us and keep posting! We all care and will be here for you no matter what!
Just 'click' on our name and a drop down you will get to our homepage!
The greatest "thank you" here at SR is that you stay with us and keep posting! We all care and will be here for you no matter what!
Just 'click' on our name and a drop down you will get to our homepage!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
dandylion
Thank you for the recommendations, I will for sure find this book. Months ago I looked up Al-Anon meetings near me and just can’t seem to muster the nerve to go. I think because my husband will be mad/upset that I’m seeking help for something he thinks is no big deal. He is very possessive we’ll call it and I’m sure I’ll be accused of going for “other reasons” You see there is much more going on here besides his drinking. I will seriously try again though TY
Thank you for the recommendations, I will for sure find this book. Months ago I looked up Al-Anon meetings near me and just can’t seem to muster the nerve to go. I think because my husband will be mad/upset that I’m seeking help for something he thinks is no big deal. He is very possessive we’ll call it and I’m sure I’ll be accused of going for “other reasons” You see there is much more going on here besides his drinking. I will seriously try again though TY
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
FarmhouseGal,
Going to that first AL-Anon meeting is a little scary. I only started going 6 weeks ago. What I can tell you is that everyone was very kind and helpful. I felt welcomed from everybody. When I was done with the meeting I felt so much better.
You need to focus on you and not worry what your husband or anyone else thinks. You are the one that has to come first. You are stronger then you realize. You don't have to speak, just listen to the stories and see that you are not alone in this journey.
Have a great day and we are here for you. Keep posting.
Going to that first AL-Anon meeting is a little scary. I only started going 6 weeks ago. What I can tell you is that everyone was very kind and helpful. I felt welcomed from everybody. When I was done with the meeting I felt so much better.
You need to focus on you and not worry what your husband or anyone else thinks. You are the one that has to come first. You are stronger then you realize. You don't have to speak, just listen to the stories and see that you are not alone in this journey.
Have a great day and we are here for you. Keep posting.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
Trailmix
It may sound silly in this day and age but I’ve always prided myself on my faithfulness, loyalty, belief in marriage vows. And he blew them out of the water. I think that’s one of the things I’m having trouble letting go of. I realize he just left weeks ago but he actually left us a long time ago. I still feel this ring linking us forever together and don’t know how to fully let go, much less set boundaries. I told myself I would never divorce this man out of my “duties” so to speak. I know sounds crazy!
It may sound silly in this day and age but I’ve always prided myself on my faithfulness, loyalty, belief in marriage vows. And he blew them out of the water. I think that’s one of the things I’m having trouble letting go of. I realize he just left weeks ago but he actually left us a long time ago. I still feel this ring linking us forever together and don’t know how to fully let go, much less set boundaries. I told myself I would never divorce this man out of my “duties” so to speak. I know sounds crazy!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FhG…...Yep, I sure do see that there is more going on than just the drinking.
Here is where the emotional support and learning about setting boundaries will help you....
Life feels so much more peaceful and sane without an alcoholic under the same roof. Trust me---if you have been able to live with an active alcoholic...and a "possessive" one, at that...you can handle anything!!!
By the way...if he gets "mad"...I will tell you what my own grandmother used to say to me---"He can stay mad till he gets glad".
Here is where the emotional support and learning about setting boundaries will help you....
Life feels so much more peaceful and sane without an alcoholic under the same roof. Trust me---if you have been able to live with an active alcoholic...and a "possessive" one, at that...you can handle anything!!!
By the way...if he gets "mad"...I will tell you what my own grandmother used to say to me---"He can stay mad till he gets glad".
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
ironwill
First off, that’s great that you’re going to meetings! I know I need people to talk who understand, like fully understand the craziness that we deal with. I had to tell my mom and sisters just a few days ago and I still sugar coated things so as not to reveal to much. I hate that I do that! My mother knew he drank a lot but that’s it. I don’t have close friends, never wanting to introduce anyone to him for the fear they might witness his drinking. Or have to hear him comment about “other women”! Why put myself thru that. Again to many other issues to list. I think I may need separate counseling for these things.
First off, that’s great that you’re going to meetings! I know I need people to talk who understand, like fully understand the craziness that we deal with. I had to tell my mom and sisters just a few days ago and I still sugar coated things so as not to reveal to much. I hate that I do that! My mother knew he drank a lot but that’s it. I don’t have close friends, never wanting to introduce anyone to him for the fear they might witness his drinking. Or have to hear him comment about “other women”! Why put myself thru that. Again to many other issues to list. I think I may need separate counseling for these things.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FhG…..I know that it is hard to wrap your head around....but, try to remember this----All of the "rules" about relationships (and marriage, also) that we are taught, growing up...through example, school, church, society at large....are tailored to healthy, "normal" relationships....and, they work out pretty well, for the most part...Here is the problem----addiction (alcoholism) and/or abuse turns all of the usual "rules" upside down. They don't work the same in these kinds of relationships.
This is one reason that is is all so confusing. The usual rules don't apply.....
You will become much more comfortable with the necessary changes as time goes on.....you will...
This is one reason that is is all so confusing. The usual rules don't apply.....
You will become much more comfortable with the necessary changes as time goes on.....you will...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,635
I get the loyalty thing, I really do, I'm rather loyal myself. In my first marriage (not an alcoholic but abusive), when he would say, well you will leave at some point I would say oh no I won't, if nothing else I'm loyal.
So, I stayed for a long time and really, I identified with being "loyal" and didn't have any intention of divorcing him.
Finally, after many years, I had enough. There were a few turning points. For one thing, I really saw how terribly he treated my family members, that was a huge catalyst for me. Plus, of course, I had matured and realized this was not a good situation. So I took action and ended it.
It wasn't easy, it was scary and I had no "plan" etc etc. At first it was very emotional and hard but I had to steel myself. Things like that are not easy! Eventually, you realize you aren't walking on eggshells anymore, that there doesn't have to be any anxiety when someone arrives home (although to be honest to this day I still feel that anxiety regardless of who is arriving).
One piece of experience I will share with you as well. Growing up in a household with an alcoholic is very negative for the children. The experiences they have they will take with them in to their lives and it will affect them. For every time you have cried, been appalled at his lack of caring, watched him roaring drunk and been afraid or sad - multiply that by 5 for your children who cannot defend themselves in this situation.
Imagine being in your situation with exactly zero control over it.
As a child who grew up with an alcoholic Father, in no way do I say this to make you feel guilty, not at all. Just that taking your Son's well being in to account is perhaps paramount?
So, I stayed for a long time and really, I identified with being "loyal" and didn't have any intention of divorcing him.
Finally, after many years, I had enough. There were a few turning points. For one thing, I really saw how terribly he treated my family members, that was a huge catalyst for me. Plus, of course, I had matured and realized this was not a good situation. So I took action and ended it.
It wasn't easy, it was scary and I had no "plan" etc etc. At first it was very emotional and hard but I had to steel myself. Things like that are not easy! Eventually, you realize you aren't walking on eggshells anymore, that there doesn't have to be any anxiety when someone arrives home (although to be honest to this day I still feel that anxiety regardless of who is arriving).
One piece of experience I will share with you as well. Growing up in a household with an alcoholic is very negative for the children. The experiences they have they will take with them in to their lives and it will affect them. For every time you have cried, been appalled at his lack of caring, watched him roaring drunk and been afraid or sad - multiply that by 5 for your children who cannot defend themselves in this situation.
Imagine being in your situation with exactly zero control over it.
As a child who grew up with an alcoholic Father, in no way do I say this to make you feel guilty, not at all. Just that taking your Son's well being in to account is perhaps paramount?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
WOW!! you all are so great and have made me feel so much better today! I did read and read a lot of the posts on here before finally speaking up. It really seems you are a great “family” here 😊 I need a nice “push” to help me help me.
Yes we had issues before his drinking escalated but when he started getting drunk every night, like pants unzipped falling down, chewing his lip (my favorite), staggering, peeing where there’s no toilet (sorry I had to say it) all these issues got soooo much worse. All his doing, he seemed to have this revenge, I’ll show you attitude when I literally have done nothing to this man. I just can’t seem to figure out why he acts/thinks this way about me!? I feel so related to everyone on here, all of us wondering why and will probly never find the answer.
Yes we had issues before his drinking escalated but when he started getting drunk every night, like pants unzipped falling down, chewing his lip (my favorite), staggering, peeing where there’s no toilet (sorry I had to say it) all these issues got soooo much worse. All his doing, he seemed to have this revenge, I’ll show you attitude when I literally have done nothing to this man. I just can’t seem to figure out why he acts/thinks this way about me!? I feel so related to everyone on here, all of us wondering why and will probly never find the answer.
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