He now deleted me on all social media!?🤷*♀️
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He now deleted me on all social media!?🤷*♀️
I suppose that is the next step for him and in relation to someone (me) who was actually standing by his side and was rooting for him when none of his family were there for him nor genuinely cared!??
And I mean, last time we talked, he said he appreciates me highly and wants to leave our contact open, so yet another lie. Whats even worse, I can see that his sisters blocked me too!? And they are suppose to be sober and decent people!???
So I am reading here between the lines and conclude that I must be (according to them) the actual bad guy in this whole story!?
And why- because I pointed out to him about his problem with drinking and how i cant support it??
I Was crying all morning, its just too unfair, i mean from his family too!? Why are they even interfering now with such ‘statements’ of deleting me etc. what do they wish to say!???
Its almost like Pandora’s box-always some new elements of betrayal! it hurts, once again. 😩
And I mean, last time we talked, he said he appreciates me highly and wants to leave our contact open, so yet another lie. Whats even worse, I can see that his sisters blocked me too!? And they are suppose to be sober and decent people!???
So I am reading here between the lines and conclude that I must be (according to them) the actual bad guy in this whole story!?
And why- because I pointed out to him about his problem with drinking and how i cant support it??
I Was crying all morning, its just too unfair, i mean from his family too!? Why are they even interfering now with such ‘statements’ of deleting me etc. what do they wish to say!???
Its almost like Pandora’s box-always some new elements of betrayal! it hurts, once again. 😩
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I am so sorry you're hurting.
I don't know your story or how enmeshed you are but is there any way this could be a blessing? I haven't deleted my AH from social media but I have snoozed him because it hurts to see his posts - they're not directed at me or anything, I just feel sad when I see them. I also have temptations to FB stalk which I am resisting.
It's much healthier for me, personally, to have the least contact possible. I'm rooting for him and, when his brain is straight, he knows that whether we currently have contact or not. I take his avoidance as a sign that he is not healthy...could that be the same for you?
I don't know your story or how enmeshed you are but is there any way this could be a blessing? I haven't deleted my AH from social media but I have snoozed him because it hurts to see his posts - they're not directed at me or anything, I just feel sad when I see them. I also have temptations to FB stalk which I am resisting.
It's much healthier for me, personally, to have the least contact possible. I'm rooting for him and, when his brain is straight, he knows that whether we currently have contact or not. I take his avoidance as a sign that he is not healthy...could that be the same for you?
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I'm so sorry, this must hurt.
On the other hand, how can you take this family seriously? I know, I know, you stood by him, you loved him, you supported him, yada, yada. But now his whole family has walked away.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, they used to say.
I was loyal to my husband, too. Never complained to his family, (or mine) about the booze. He died almost ten years ago. I never hear from them. They haven't blocked me on social media, but hey, they didn't even show up when he was buried. (Granted, it was a couple years after he died. He'd been cremated.) I guess if they did block me, it might take me a while to notice.
Some people are shallow. Now you know.
On the other hand, how can you take this family seriously? I know, I know, you stood by him, you loved him, you supported him, yada, yada. But now his whole family has walked away.
Good riddance to bad rubbish, they used to say.
I was loyal to my husband, too. Never complained to his family, (or mine) about the booze. He died almost ten years ago. I never hear from them. They haven't blocked me on social media, but hey, they didn't even show up when he was buried. (Granted, it was a couple years after he died. He'd been cremated.) I guess if they did block me, it might take me a while to notice.
Some people are shallow. Now you know.
Last edited by velma929; 09-17-2019 at 04:56 AM. Reason: checking social media to see if I'm still 'friends' with the in-laws.
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Yes, I was always nice to all of them also!? He actually talked against them quite often btw and I even defended them and was explaining how everyone is hurting in their own way in life bla bla and thats why they r mean sometimes etc etc...and so, him and I had this “pact” lets say, a deeper understanding in that sense as i have been through some similar trauma with my family in childhood as he was (the feeling where u are not appreciated for who you are etc).
And now our pact is gone (obviously) and he follows them - them who im 100percent sure dont even care whether he drinks himself to death tomorrow! It is so terrible, I was shaking from upset this morning, as I feel crucified and condemned for actually speaking the truth, while all others surrounding him would much rather see him continue with this miserable (but entertaining for them, i suppose) way of life😢
Once his own mom said to me “how did u end up with someone like HIM” like he is some trash or something!? I couldnt believe the coldness behind those words.
I loved this man with all my heart, is my point! And now both him and they rejected me as i suppose they saw me as some sort of impostor! As I am bringing disturbance to their “set ways” lets say....
😓
And now our pact is gone (obviously) and he follows them - them who im 100percent sure dont even care whether he drinks himself to death tomorrow! It is so terrible, I was shaking from upset this morning, as I feel crucified and condemned for actually speaking the truth, while all others surrounding him would much rather see him continue with this miserable (but entertaining for them, i suppose) way of life😢
Once his own mom said to me “how did u end up with someone like HIM” like he is some trash or something!? I couldnt believe the coldness behind those words.
I loved this man with all my heart, is my point! And now both him and they rejected me as i suppose they saw me as some sort of impostor! As I am bringing disturbance to their “set ways” lets say....
😓
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I know this hurts very much. I think it's something many of us have experienced in one way or another. One possible explanation is the old chestnut that "blood is thicker than water"--which means when the chips are down, the immediate family will circle the wagons against anyone they have decided is an outsider and a threat. It's not uncommon.
Because you care about them, their opinion means a lot to you. But I would ask that if this is the "depth" of their feelings as reflected in their behavior, then I humbly suggest that they are not worth the energy.
A wise friend once told me the refrigerator story, when I was going through something similar:
A friend asks "What color is your refrigerator?" You answer that it is white. She said "I say it's green. You have a green refrigerator." to which you immediately responded "No, it's not! It's white." She kept insisting it was green, and you get more and more flustered and angry arguing that it's white because what she is insisting is wrong. Finally, the friend says, yes, your refrigerator is white, and no matter how many times I say it's green--the fact remains that it is white. You know it's white, and that won't change no matter what I or anyone else say.
The same holds true for your ex and his family. They can think, feel, and say what they want about you, but it doesn't make it true.
I'll end with something a former Mod used to have as her signature: "What other people think about me is none of my business". I always loved that, because my standards, my morals, my beliefs are my guides--if I feel I have lived up to them, then I'm good--regardless of what others may believe about me.
Because you care about them, their opinion means a lot to you. But I would ask that if this is the "depth" of their feelings as reflected in their behavior, then I humbly suggest that they are not worth the energy.
A wise friend once told me the refrigerator story, when I was going through something similar:
A friend asks "What color is your refrigerator?" You answer that it is white. She said "I say it's green. You have a green refrigerator." to which you immediately responded "No, it's not! It's white." She kept insisting it was green, and you get more and more flustered and angry arguing that it's white because what she is insisting is wrong. Finally, the friend says, yes, your refrigerator is white, and no matter how many times I say it's green--the fact remains that it is white. You know it's white, and that won't change no matter what I or anyone else say.
The same holds true for your ex and his family. They can think, feel, and say what they want about you, but it doesn't make it true.
I'll end with something a former Mod used to have as her signature: "What other people think about me is none of my business". I always loved that, because my standards, my morals, my beliefs are my guides--if I feel I have lived up to them, then I'm good--regardless of what others may believe about me.
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Dear Fionna
You are among friends here who understand. Most of us have "been there" and "done that."
Early in my own recovery, I too was devastated when my ex rejected me and his family didn't "love" me any more.
I have learned since, that a very basic level I was attracted to a mate and family who reminded me of my own family of origin. The problem lay with ME for choosing a relationship like that.
All we can do is work on US and move on.
You are among friends here who understand. Most of us have "been there" and "done that."
Early in my own recovery, I too was devastated when my ex rejected me and his family didn't "love" me any more.
I have learned since, that a very basic level I was attracted to a mate and family who reminded me of my own family of origin. The problem lay with ME for choosing a relationship like that.
All we can do is work on US and move on.
Last edited by Eauchiche; 09-17-2019 at 05:42 AM. Reason: typo
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You haven't been crucified (you wouldn't be posting here) and probably not even condemned. If it was 1989, you wouldn't even know for weeks you had been given 'the cut direct.' Social media has just created a more immediate way of signifying who we relate with and who we don't.
People often take the path of least resistance. His FOO lets him drink, and let's face it: it's way easier than admitting he drinks too much, or they're all screwed up.
I am bringing disturbance to their set ways lets say....
Yes. They don't have to accept your world view. It is absolutely within their right to ignore the facts. It is their right to continue as they always have. I'm not saying it's smart. I'm saying you don't have the right to order them to do anything different.
People often take the path of least resistance. His FOO lets him drink, and let's face it: it's way easier than admitting he drinks too much, or they're all screwed up.
I am bringing disturbance to their set ways lets say....
Yes. They don't have to accept your world view. It is absolutely within their right to ignore the facts. It is their right to continue as they always have. I'm not saying it's smart. I'm saying you don't have the right to order them to do anything different.
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It is hurtful. But you don’t need toxic people in your life. And ultimately, it doesn’t matter what they think. Social media has sadly, in my opinion... created such obsessive behavior in the world. We place our value and worth on whether we have enough “likes” or based on who “follows” us. It’s honestly such a destructive and warped perception of who we truly are. Stay off social media for a bit?...perhaps it’s causing more harm.
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FionnaPerSe,
Put down Pandora’s box and grab the tissue box. I know your hurting and it's unfair that you should have to feel this way to someone you stood by, supported and love.
You are not the bad guy in this story. You are trying to be the hero. Unfortunately the villain only cares that the hero is getting in the way of his master plan. Having another drink. He will try to convince everyone he knows that you are the bad guy to keep his plan alive. Don't let all the social media blocking go to your head. Your are strong and can get through this. Until he wants to fix himself there is nothing you can do.
Look after your self and stay strong though all of this should be your main goal. Have a beautiful day.
Put down Pandora’s box and grab the tissue box. I know your hurting and it's unfair that you should have to feel this way to someone you stood by, supported and love.
You are not the bad guy in this story. You are trying to be the hero. Unfortunately the villain only cares that the hero is getting in the way of his master plan. Having another drink. He will try to convince everyone he knows that you are the bad guy to keep his plan alive. Don't let all the social media blocking go to your head. Your are strong and can get through this. Until he wants to fix himself there is nothing you can do.
Look after your self and stay strong though all of this should be your main goal. Have a beautiful day.
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I've heard people refer to scrolling through Facebook, Instagram, etc, as "pain shopping".
In times of turmoil, such as you're going through now, can you put yourself on social media lockdown? No Facebook, no feeds, no nothing. Delete the apps from your phone (if you absolutely must check, you'll have to use an internet browser to get there, which buys you a few seconds to reflect - do I really, really need to do this?). Everyone else can block, delete, like, share or whatever, and you won't have to know about it.
It's worth remembering that our social media is designed to be addictive - it's not a neutral form of communication and interaction. The likes and notifications were created by software designers to give us the illusion that the screen is real life and that we NEED to constantly know what others are typing on their screens (or not typing). It's all about maintaining our anxious attachment to Facebook and instant-messaging.
In times of turmoil, such as you're going through now, can you put yourself on social media lockdown? No Facebook, no feeds, no nothing. Delete the apps from your phone (if you absolutely must check, you'll have to use an internet browser to get there, which buys you a few seconds to reflect - do I really, really need to do this?). Everyone else can block, delete, like, share or whatever, and you won't have to know about it.
It's worth remembering that our social media is designed to be addictive - it's not a neutral form of communication and interaction. The likes and notifications were created by software designers to give us the illusion that the screen is real life and that we NEED to constantly know what others are typing on their screens (or not typing). It's all about maintaining our anxious attachment to Facebook and instant-messaging.
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Sorry that you're going through this, Fiona- it sounds really painful. You've put a lot of energy into these relationships and it feels like they're making you a villain.
There's a post on here recently called "rejected by the reject" that I thought was a good read- if you haven't seen it yet, you might get something from it.
There's a post on here recently called "rejected by the reject" that I thought was a good read- if you haven't seen it yet, you might get something from it.
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One of the hardest things to do is accept an important relationship has ended, but it's essential for peace of mind. I recently lost a friend who had been an important part of my life for 25 years. I prayed for acceptance and felt a lot better.
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it is not uncommon when people end relationships, for them also to cease communication - in person, online or today, via social media. back in the day it was called "we stopped talking to each other"
you can interpret this 16 ways til Sunday. but really......is it THAT big a deal? yes you guys were together for three years (?) and there were some good times. but you know there were also a lot of crap times. most of time you were trying to change him. you may have called it "trying to help".
bottom line. the relationship is OVER. the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start looking at the lessons, and make this into a positive.
you can interpret this 16 ways til Sunday. but really......is it THAT big a deal? yes you guys were together for three years (?) and there were some good times. but you know there were also a lot of crap times. most of time you were trying to change him. you may have called it "trying to help".
bottom line. the relationship is OVER. the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start looking at the lessons, and make this into a positive.
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She done me wrong.
So without reviewing your posts, I am guessing that he comes from a family of enablers or at the very least family that encourages drinking?
Or maybe they all drink tea around the fireside.
Regardless, they are his family. You are either with us or against us.
I had a friend once, we were both single at the time and we would go out and have fun at pubs etc. Anyway, long story short, she, my sibling and I had all been friends since we were teenagers.
I had been away for 8 years at one point, living in a different country and my Sibling and this person hung out and were good friends. Then I appeared and when I became single I became "the" friend.
Well, this didn't go over well with my sibling, which I didn't really consider because, I just didn't! She finally explained to my why it bothered her and it was a betrayal of sorts because this person had treated her badly and there I was out having fun with my pal!
I saw her point and that was the end of the friendship.
Now, this may have been able to be sorted out, who knows, but what I do know is that regardless, my sibling is my sibling and I will always have her back, regardless.
Is that fair? Not to the outside world perhaps and I get that, but to me, it's got to be that way.
So without reviewing your posts, I am guessing that he comes from a family of enablers or at the very least family that encourages drinking?
Or maybe they all drink tea around the fireside.
Regardless, they are his family. You are either with us or against us.
I had a friend once, we were both single at the time and we would go out and have fun at pubs etc. Anyway, long story short, she, my sibling and I had all been friends since we were teenagers.
I had been away for 8 years at one point, living in a different country and my Sibling and this person hung out and were good friends. Then I appeared and when I became single I became "the" friend.
Well, this didn't go over well with my sibling, which I didn't really consider because, I just didn't! She finally explained to my why it bothered her and it was a betrayal of sorts because this person had treated her badly and there I was out having fun with my pal!
I saw her point and that was the end of the friendship.
Now, this may have been able to be sorted out, who knows, but what I do know is that regardless, my sibling is my sibling and I will always have her back, regardless.
Is that fair? Not to the outside world perhaps and I get that, but to me, it's got to be that way.
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe 
So I am reading here between the lines and conclude that I must be (according to them) the actual bad guy in this whole story!?
And why- because I pointed out to him about his problem with drinking and how i cant support it??
And why- because I pointed out to him about his problem with drinking and how i cant support it??
It's still early yet Fionna, it's only been since May and while it probably seems like a long-ish time, that's just a matter of weeks and this is all still hurting. It takes time.
One other thing, to him, who probably justifies his feelings (you know him, is he a blamer?) you probably are the reason for his hurt feelings. If YOU hadn't complained about his drinking all would be well!
It doesn't matter that it makes sense for someone to not drink alcoholically, not to the alcoholic, so yes, to him you probably are the bad guy in some sense. It's not great but it's probably his truth.
He's perhaps just having a moment of spite, I'm sure you have seen that in him before? I'm sure he isn't that easy to get along with?
There is a reason you ended it and you need to keep that in your mind. Nothing has changed, he's still that guy.
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Sometimes I wonder if these EXs are somehow a conduit for our higher selves. They get new lovers, block us, turn their familys against us... Its uncanny how in the long run its all for the best. The lover is the perfect deterrent to try to get back with them, the social media blocking is the end to the communication... The family thing. We'll that's just an extension of communication. The universe/God/reptilians are telling you to let this one go.
He was never worth it. He was not good enough for you. There is so much better out there but you need to ditch the blinkers.
He was never worth it. He was not good enough for you. There is so much better out there but you need to ditch the blinkers.
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First of all, thank you so much everyone for your brilliantly insightful comments- i truly appreciate it and this forum is a total blessing! 💗
And now on the update- as it turned out, he never blocked me to begin with and he actually called me earlier today to say how his phone got stollen and then was trying to find my contact through other people. And i am not sure whether it is a made up story, but at least he rang me to let me know, and i saw it as a nice gesture.
To make the long story short, i got smitten with all that and therefore didn't ask about his family and what they have done/or undone, to say it better.
So we had actually a decent conversation, therefore at least we dont have to hate each other in the process or do something stupid like that. I figured, there is no point in hating someone with such terrible, soul robbing condition anyway.
I am calm at the moment but realise i am still very much hurt and this have to remain in minimal contact Or no contact, as next time who knows what can happen in that sense.....
And now on the update- as it turned out, he never blocked me to begin with and he actually called me earlier today to say how his phone got stollen and then was trying to find my contact through other people. And i am not sure whether it is a made up story, but at least he rang me to let me know, and i saw it as a nice gesture.
To make the long story short, i got smitten with all that and therefore didn't ask about his family and what they have done/or undone, to say it better.
So we had actually a decent conversation, therefore at least we dont have to hate each other in the process or do something stupid like that. I figured, there is no point in hating someone with such terrible, soul robbing condition anyway.
I am calm at the moment but realise i am still very much hurt and this have to remain in minimal contact Or no contact, as next time who knows what can happen in that sense.....
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Originally Posted by FionnaPerSe
at least we dont have to hate each other in the process or do something stupid like that. I figured, there is no point in hating someone with such terrible, soul robbing condition anyway.
I am calm at the moment but realise i am still very much hurt and this have to remain in minimal contact Or no contact, as next time who knows what can happen in that sense.....
I am calm at the moment but realise i am still very much hurt and this have to remain in minimal contact Or no contact, as next time who knows what can happen in that sense.....
It sounds like it might have been a good practice run for the future. You probably know that most Alcoholics progress
I don't know your story so I don't know if your Alcoholic is in any kind of recovery. Unfortunately its doesn't matter if you support him or not; his drinking is his side of the street. The best you can do is stay on your side and make plans for yourself and care for yourself. This is lots lots easier said than done.
Let us know how you get on.
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