AlcSis

Hi all,

Haven't posted here in a very long time. I received some great advice many years ago about my alcoholic sister. Which I followed, and am very grateful I did. ❤

I'm an ACOA. Also have a 40 year old (+) son who has been smoking pot since age of 16. A while back, I posted about him in the Marijuana forum. Yep, he's an addict. (He was physically abusive and threatening to me before I made him move out of my home years ago.)

He has done zero with his life. On again - off again with jobs and homelessness. Only calls me when needs $. Or to complain (really RAGE) about his life. I stopped taking his calls a couple of years ago. Because I just couldn't take the verbal abuse and worry that I ended up with after each call. I stopped enabling by listening and refusing to send $. And I have been physically and emotionally healthier since doing so.

I'm posting now because this past month he has started calling and leaving voice mail. Just wants to "catch up".

I don't answer his calls. He just left another v mail.

I'm not going to return the call(s).
I feel physically ill when I hear his voice. Also, I have a neurological illness which is exacerbated by stress.
These calls are truly very bad for me. (I try not to be impacted by the calls, detach, but I still get tense, knots in stomach, etc. ). So I don't answer....

I attend Alanon when I can, my health impacts my attendance. Have a sponsor, who is on vacation. Not going to bother her. Made a couple of phone calls from the meeting "list". Had to leave message for both.

Soooooo...........
I'm reaching out here.
Detaching, as I'm trying to do, I know it's ok not to answer the phone calls.

Still, it is so crazy difficult at times, not to get triggered by this addict's calls, by his voice. He's my son. A very ill son who refuses to acknowledge his illness.

Even with working the Alanon program.
I realize I'm like the recovering alkie or addict....
Just one drink or roach, or in
This Alanon's case (me)
One Reply or Response or Reaction to the Qualifier
And I'm back on the Enabling /Co-Dependent Train.
Can't go there....

It's ok to not answer the phone.
I keep telling myself.......
It's ok to not reply to v mail.
Especially, when, if I do so, it usually is detrimental to my health.

SR members, thanks for listening/reading.

Sorry about the long post. Writing here at SR helped me immensely, and much stress has been released.

And, perhaps this post might help someone who might read this.

trailmix

I'm sure it will Alcsis, there is almost always someone who can relate to a post and find solace or help in it.

Welcome back.

I assume this is your cell phone he is calling, can you just block him? If your blocked calls go to vm, can you just delete them without listening?

If not, perhaps it's time to change your phone number. It's a very low cost solution that might bring you some peace of mind.

AlcSis

Trail

Thanks for your reply. Yes, it's my cellphone.

I will look at blocking his #.
Thing is, he changes his # often. I think possibly, he gets those "Throw Away" phones.......when he has $$$

I don't really want to change my phone #. I have had this # forever. Lots of doctors, friends, family have this #.

Just need to be stronger, I guess. And hope my sponsor (who has her own health issues and currently out of town) is available for a call from me.

It IS ok not to answer or reply?
Right?????

Thanks again for your post.

Hanna

It is absolutely OK not to answer or reply!

You have to focus on your own health.

If you have an iPhone you can go to your recent calls list, click the button next to the number, it's a letter i with a circle around it. Then scroll to the very bottom and you will see an option "Block this caller"

If you don't have an iPhone and aren't sure how to block on your phone, you can contact your carrier to get it blocked. It's usually free and not a big deal. I have Verizon and can also go on their website to add blocks.

He may eventually get another number but then you can block that one.

SparkleKitty

It is totally okay not to answer or reply. You have been through enough.

AlcSis

I attended Alanon meeting yesterday.

(Sponsor still on vacation/Hawaii - not going to bother her, she is ill, so I don't want to interrupt her time away.)

I shared this situation with a friend from the meeting. Long time member.

By the way, son has called 3 more times, no voicemail.

My Alanon friend suggested I might TEXT my son and

Tell him:

1) I am too ill to talk to him. (True)
2) I am not able to give him any more $$. (True)
3) Wish him well, tell him I love him but all I can do is pray for him. (True)

She said this will help both of us.
Gets this off of my mind, at least a little bit.

And, gives him some information/closure about what my son can and can't expect from me. Also, this way I don't have to HEAR his voice. (Very triggering for me). 😣.

This sounds reasonable to me.

I prayed about this last night and this morning I awoke and felt the incentive to draft the text.

Opinions?
Other than I am a chicken not wanting to talk to him. That's ok if you say that, I won't take it personally. 😊

Thanks everyone for reading/listening.

trailmix

You can be a chicken if you want to be! Seriously, in this instance it's not like you haven't addressed it before. I'm sure you have spoken to him, I'm sure you have had conversations. Now he's just pressuring you hoping you will give in.

So however you are able to cope with that is ok, if that means a text, if that will make you feel better and take some of the pressure off of you, why wouldn't you do it?

AlcSis

Trail thanks for your reply.

I decided to send the text. It was straightforward, heartfelt, and written as kindly as I could.

Yes, my AS knows my stance on enabling, etc. Perhaps he is in really big trouble now or has burned all his bridges? I'm not wasting any more time or head space on him.

He is a grown , almost middle-aged man!!! 😮
Who is an addict and has wasted away his life.
He chose his path in life.....

I'm ill.
What would he do or who would he call if I wasn't still alive?

Like I said, I sent the text. I do feel better. And I don't feel so stressed. As difficult as it was, I took care of myself.

Thanks, Higher Power! ❤
And Alanon and Sober Recovery. ❤❤

Hopefully his new cellphone has text capability.
If not, oh well......

hopeful4

It's completely ok and right not to answer! Thing is, it does not mean you don't care, or you love any less. It simply means that you refuse to be dragged along down the rabbit hole. That is the right thing.

Sending you a big hug! Don't question your decision!

wehav2day

I’ll add to the chorus... it’s absolutely ok not to answer or call back!!!

You’ve had enough and don’t need to get back on that train. Especially if he hasn’t made any changes himself. Nope you’ve done more than your part.

PeacefulWater12

I will also add my voice of reassurance that it is very ok not to answer.