He wants to give recovery another try, but is our marriage doomed anyway?
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He wants to give recovery another try, but is our marriage doomed anyway?
I recently found out my husband has been secretly drinking again.
I could write paragraphs about the history of his drinking but I’m sure it’s much the same as many other stories here. Started off as always having a drink or two more than anyone else when we were out with friends and got worse from there. He used to just deny it was a problem. Last year he admitted it was a big huge problem and he got counselling, went to groups, threw himself into recovery, all seemed to be going well for months, and then… back to where we were.
So now he says he really wants to stop, he knows he’s an alcoholic, he is going back to groups and he’s getting more counselling and he’s talking to his friends and his family and he’s making all the right noises. And I believe he’s genuine (I don’t know if he’ll stick with it, obviously, but I believe he intends to at the moment).
But I don’t know if I can stick this out. It seems like so much effort. I’ve said I will try, we’ll see how his recovery goes and then if it seems to be sticking I’ll consider marriage counselling. But I don’t want to do marriage counselling right now. I don’t even feel angry at him any more, I just feel sad and resigned and DONE.
It’s partly that I fear recovery won’t stick. We have children and I don’t want to expose them to a future of a Dad who is, not aggressive or anything, but just never quite there in the evenings. (Quietly drunk and amicably drunk but always drunk.) I also don’t want them to have unsupervised contact time post-divorce with a Dad who’s drinking, but that’s another issue.
But it’s also partly because, I think maybe I’ve hit my limit of time and energy and love I’m prepared to pour into a bottomless void. If he does stick with recovery this time but I don’t want to trust him or feel any intimacy again, what’s left anyway?
So. Is it common to feel like this? Does it mean there’s no chance of repairing the marriage? I’m maybe still feeling shell-shocked after the latest secret drinking discovery anyway, and I don’t want to make big life-changing decisions for my children until I’ve had more time to process this. But if there’s no chance of getting trust and a functioning marriage back then it seems pointless staying.
I could write paragraphs about the history of his drinking but I’m sure it’s much the same as many other stories here. Started off as always having a drink or two more than anyone else when we were out with friends and got worse from there. He used to just deny it was a problem. Last year he admitted it was a big huge problem and he got counselling, went to groups, threw himself into recovery, all seemed to be going well for months, and then… back to where we were.
So now he says he really wants to stop, he knows he’s an alcoholic, he is going back to groups and he’s getting more counselling and he’s talking to his friends and his family and he’s making all the right noises. And I believe he’s genuine (I don’t know if he’ll stick with it, obviously, but I believe he intends to at the moment).
But I don’t know if I can stick this out. It seems like so much effort. I’ve said I will try, we’ll see how his recovery goes and then if it seems to be sticking I’ll consider marriage counselling. But I don’t want to do marriage counselling right now. I don’t even feel angry at him any more, I just feel sad and resigned and DONE.
It’s partly that I fear recovery won’t stick. We have children and I don’t want to expose them to a future of a Dad who is, not aggressive or anything, but just never quite there in the evenings. (Quietly drunk and amicably drunk but always drunk.) I also don’t want them to have unsupervised contact time post-divorce with a Dad who’s drinking, but that’s another issue.
But it’s also partly because, I think maybe I’ve hit my limit of time and energy and love I’m prepared to pour into a bottomless void. If he does stick with recovery this time but I don’t want to trust him or feel any intimacy again, what’s left anyway?
So. Is it common to feel like this? Does it mean there’s no chance of repairing the marriage? I’m maybe still feeling shell-shocked after the latest secret drinking discovery anyway, and I don’t want to make big life-changing decisions for my children until I’ve had more time to process this. But if there’s no chance of getting trust and a functioning marriage back then it seems pointless staying.
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Originally Posted by Patch2 
So. Is it common to feel like this? Does it mean there’s no chance of repairing the marriage? I’m maybe still feeling shell-shocked after the latest secret drinking discovery anyway, and I don’t want to make big life-changing decisions for my children until I’ve had more time to process this. But if there’s no chance of getting trust and a functioning marriage back then it seems pointless staying.
The question. It's a good question, unfortunately, there is no answer, will he get in to and stay in recovery?
In the meantime, I sure you are still shell-shocked about this latest bout of lying. It, of course, undermines all the trust in the relationship and without that, what do you have?
You mention you don't want to make any earth shattering decisions right now and that makes sense that you might want to take a short while to get your feelings in check. That said, if you are going to base your life on seeing if he gets in to recovery and it sticks, you are giving up all of your power and command of your own life. Why does his alcoholism get to call the shots.
What makes sense for you right now? Maybe it's not out and out divorce, is it possible you would go and live somewhere else or he could move out for say, a six month trial while he tries to get himself together and get in to a solid recovery plan?
Once the six months is up you can review and see where you are up to and how you want to proceed.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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I think it is extremely common for spouses of addicts to feel the way you are feeling.
Here is what I have learned reading these forums: the very best chance a marriage has of surviving is for BOTH partners to commit to their individual recovery paths. Yes, that means you, too.
What would that look like for you? Al-Anon, maybe. Counseling? Separation? I don't know. If preserving the marriage is the goal (and to be sure...it doesn't *have* to be your goal, but if it is or you think you might want it to be at some point), you will both have to work at making yourselves the healthiest you can be. That's really the only state you should be making a big decision in anyway--whether he pursues recovery or not, you have your own path to follow.
Here is what I have learned reading these forums: the very best chance a marriage has of surviving is for BOTH partners to commit to their individual recovery paths. Yes, that means you, too.
What would that look like for you? Al-Anon, maybe. Counseling? Separation? I don't know. If preserving the marriage is the goal (and to be sure...it doesn't *have* to be your goal, but if it is or you think you might want it to be at some point), you will both have to work at making yourselves the healthiest you can be. That's really the only state you should be making a big decision in anyway--whether he pursues recovery or not, you have your own path to follow.
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Patch2......the way I see it, deciding to raise children in a home with alcoholism or addiction in one of the caregivers, is a l ife-changing decision for the children, in itself.
Perhaps it would help you to study the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)…..which will give you the best pict ure of how it affects the lives of the children. If you go to amazon.com....and type in adult children of alcoholics....you will find several books on the subject.
Perhaps it would help you to study the literature of the group "Adult Children of Alcoholics" (ACOA)…..which will give you the best pict ure of how it affects the lives of the children. If you go to amazon.com....and type in adult children of alcoholics....you will find several books on the subject.
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Oh if he doesn’t stay sober then he’s definitely out, for the sake of the children. I don’t want them to grow up like that. (Of course that raises issues around him having them unsupervised after a separation, ugh.)
If he does stay sober but we end up splitting anyway then that would suck for everyone. I feel like it might be where we’re headed though.
If he does stay sober but we end up splitting anyway then that would suck for everyone. I feel like it might be where we’re headed though.
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I have looked into Al-Anon but I’d probably have to take the baby with me to a meeting. Don’t trust their dad to have the kids alone if he might possibly still be drinking, only relative who can watch kids would only take older child.
Can you do that? It doesn’t seem great, I don’t want to distract other people with a baby. I’d really appreciate some kind of group like that though.
Can you do that? It doesn’t seem great, I don’t want to distract other people with a baby. I’d really appreciate some kind of group like that though.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Patch......I don't think it would hurt to read the literature, anyway. Any way you cut it, their father is still an alcoholic. Even if you separate.
As has already been suggested, it would be a good idea of preparing yourself for the future....your own program of "recovery".
The future has not unfolded, yet,...but, as it does---you will need to be prepared to meet it for the best welfare of you and your children....
I hope that you will keep posting and learning....
There is sooo much to learn.....
As has already been suggested, it would be a good idea of preparing yourself for the future....your own program of "recovery".
The future has not unfolded, yet,...but, as it does---you will need to be prepared to meet it for the best welfare of you and your children....
I hope that you will keep posting and learning....
There is sooo much to learn.....
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 141
I suggest you read the posts in this area very carefully. The posts from friends and family of alcoholics will tell you very much.
Also, as suggested in a previous post, read about children brought up in alcoholic homes.
Learn all you can about alcoholism, and be very VERY careful about the decision you make. Good luck!
Also, as suggested in a previous post, read about children brought up in alcoholic homes.
Learn all you can about alcoholism, and be very VERY careful about the decision you make. Good luck!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Patch, I have seen children in alanon meetings several times.
No its not ideal, but everyone sure understands
I agree first with no major decisions, and second to work
your recovery- it's just as important as his & start now.
No its not ideal, but everyone sure understands
I agree first with no major decisions, and second to work
your recovery- it's just as important as his & start now.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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The Al-anon group I went to was fine about people bringing their children with them.
Even if he quits and stays quit, if he does not work a recovery program, he will be just as difficult to be around for you and the kids.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I was utterly messed up by it, as were my siblings, our outlook on the world and relationships is very distorted. I have been working hard to change it.
Even if he quits and stays quit, if he does not work a recovery program, he will be just as difficult to be around for you and the kids.
I grew up in an alcoholic home. I was utterly messed up by it, as were my siblings, our outlook on the world and relationships is very distorted. I have been working hard to change it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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It's worth looking into whether or not bringing the baby to a meeting would be an issue rather than deciding ahead of time that it will put others out. You are going there for support, and they are the people most likely to understand how difficult it can be when there are young children involved.
No one ever died from being uncomfortable. It's worth it to get the support you need.
No one ever died from being uncomfortable. It's worth it to get the support you need.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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I am the alcoholic. My (now) ex rescued me countless times- getting that phone call at her work. The last time- I burnt to death (seriously- revived 3x) because of alcohol. She refused to be next of kin and cut off what little contact we had. She has a life. She has to feel safe (I am 3.6y sober now, so some credibility).
There is no way we would 'start again' - too much damage and although it saddens me, I empathise with her decisions. I leave her be out of respect. Also the best form of apology is changed behavior.
Sobriety is shown with action, evidence over time- not good intentions about 'next time'. What ever you decide to do- for your and your children's sakes- do not put your life on hold waiting.....you deserve to have a safe, peaceful life as do your children.
My prayers and support to you. My prayers for your partner.
There is no way we would 'start again' - too much damage and although it saddens me, I empathise with her decisions. I leave her be out of respect. Also the best form of apology is changed behavior.
Sobriety is shown with action, evidence over time- not good intentions about 'next time'. What ever you decide to do- for your and your children's sakes- do not put your life on hold waiting.....you deserve to have a safe, peaceful life as do your children.
My prayers and support to you. My prayers for your partner.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
I think maybe I’ve hit my limit of time and energy and love I’m prepared to pour into a bottomless void. If he does stick with recovery this time but I don’t want to trust him or feel any intimacy again, what’s left anyway?
When your husband grabbed the bottle, it was like grabbing a sledgehammer to your marriage and demolishing it one chunk at a time. He may swear up and down and sideways that he'll stop grabbing that sledgehammer, but that still doesn't address the fact that he's pounded your marriage into something unrecognizable to you.
Of course, you can choose to rebuild. But that can't happen if you both cling onto the same rickety structure of a marriage you have now.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Patch.........what do YOU want to do with YOUR life?
put all the other stuff aside....think just YOU.....is this it?
it is totally ok to tap out. be done. NOBODY should be forced or encouraged to live with an active addict/alcoholic.
children don't have a choice. they stay where their parents stay, they live in the environment their parents do.
put all the other stuff aside....think just YOU.....is this it?
it is totally ok to tap out. be done. NOBODY should be forced or encouraged to live with an active addict/alcoholic.
children don't have a choice. they stay where their parents stay, they live in the environment their parents do.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi Patch
You don’t have to make any life altering decisions right now and in fact it is probably better that you don’t unless any of you are in danger. You could ask him to move out while he works on his recovery so he can fully focus on him and his can focus on you.
If you haven’t already I highly recommend individual counseling for yourself with someone that is very familiar with addiction. If you also decide to do the alanon route yes more than likely you can bring kids. I brought mine once (I didn’t end up going for very long it just wasn’t for me, individual counseling was much better for me). One of my fiends had 3 or 4 year old twins back in the day when she was gong thought this and she brought them with her each time because she did not have a choice.
Is there hope for you marriage? It is hard to say, I was with my ex for 16 years and he quit many times. The longest was 1 year but he did not seek treatment and was just white knuckling it which isn’t much better than when he was drinking. If he had sought treatment the time he quit for a year (second to last time he quit) I think our mariage might have survived. However he started drinking again and I realized I needed to let it go until he hit rock bottom. Little did I know that I was the one that ended up hitting rock bottom a year later when he had spun out of control and I was completely disgusted and done. But I wanted to give him one more chance as we had a then 6 year old. He did get help and was forced to go to rehab for 3 months (had to because of his job). It was very hard on us because it made our already strained relationship even worse and I mostly cut off contact with him unless it had something to do with kids or administrative/financial stuff. I went to see him once a week so our kid could see him. I was annoyed I had to go and give up ever single Sunday for almost 3 months. We started marriage counseling a couple of weeks before he came home mostly to help with the transition back home which I wasn’t ready for. You can ant do marriage counseling if one person is still actively using, it is useless.
Our marriage never recovered. Too much damage was done for me and my feelings for him had mostly vanished the last couple of years. But I felt like I owed it to him, our kid and me to give it a try. It took me a lot of counseling to be ok with the fact that I wanted out even though he got sober and was doing well. About 1.5 years after he first s went to rehab we called it quits and we’ve been divorced for almost a year Nd I am a much happier person. He didn’t want the divorce really but he was also tired of dealing with my lack of Improvement as far as the marriage was concerned. I don’t think he will ever really understand what his addiction had done to me and our relationship and why I could not get past it. Plus there are no guarantees that he will stay sober. He may relapse 2 months from now or 10:years from now or never but there is always a chance that it will happen. I think right now you need to get help for yourself and let him do his thing with his recovery because there is nothing you can do to help him with that anyway. Get you figured out and see how it goes with him. I would recommend at least a year of sobriety and real recovery (as in he is working a program very seriously). If at all possible inpatient rehab would be the best option but can be expensive. I think that without rehab my ex would’ve taken many years to get where he is at now. He was a very stubborn recovering alcoholic . He was successful and has been clean for almost 3 years but he is no longer the same person he was when I met him and neither am I. He is not a bad person but he has changed and he just really ruined our relationship to where I no longer had feelings for him. It is a long hard road for him but also for you. That why I think it is really important from you to get counseling from yourself. I went weekly from the time I confronted him until the day I moved out for just over 2 years and I needed every bit of it.
Get yourself educated about alcoholism, I understood so little about it and I wish I had done more research before I confronted him. It might not have changed the outcome but it may have helped my cope better when he had spun out if control again. Watch pleasure unwoven if you can find it, it is a really good documentary about addiction/alcoholism. We watched it in rehab.
I would also go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. My lawyer told me that he knew of a guy that had been sober for all of 2 weeks and he got 50/50 custody. Sobering may be a really good option for you as well, no kids unless he blows clean.
Good luck, keep coming back here because there is a lot of info and you will find that our stories are very similar. Think about you and your kids and let your H do his thing.
You don’t have to make any life altering decisions right now and in fact it is probably better that you don’t unless any of you are in danger. You could ask him to move out while he works on his recovery so he can fully focus on him and his can focus on you.
If you haven’t already I highly recommend individual counseling for yourself with someone that is very familiar with addiction. If you also decide to do the alanon route yes more than likely you can bring kids. I brought mine once (I didn’t end up going for very long it just wasn’t for me, individual counseling was much better for me). One of my fiends had 3 or 4 year old twins back in the day when she was gong thought this and she brought them with her each time because she did not have a choice.
Is there hope for you marriage? It is hard to say, I was with my ex for 16 years and he quit many times. The longest was 1 year but he did not seek treatment and was just white knuckling it which isn’t much better than when he was drinking. If he had sought treatment the time he quit for a year (second to last time he quit) I think our mariage might have survived. However he started drinking again and I realized I needed to let it go until he hit rock bottom. Little did I know that I was the one that ended up hitting rock bottom a year later when he had spun out of control and I was completely disgusted and done. But I wanted to give him one more chance as we had a then 6 year old. He did get help and was forced to go to rehab for 3 months (had to because of his job). It was very hard on us because it made our already strained relationship even worse and I mostly cut off contact with him unless it had something to do with kids or administrative/financial stuff. I went to see him once a week so our kid could see him. I was annoyed I had to go and give up ever single Sunday for almost 3 months. We started marriage counseling a couple of weeks before he came home mostly to help with the transition back home which I wasn’t ready for. You can ant do marriage counseling if one person is still actively using, it is useless.
Our marriage never recovered. Too much damage was done for me and my feelings for him had mostly vanished the last couple of years. But I felt like I owed it to him, our kid and me to give it a try. It took me a lot of counseling to be ok with the fact that I wanted out even though he got sober and was doing well. About 1.5 years after he first s went to rehab we called it quits and we’ve been divorced for almost a year Nd I am a much happier person. He didn’t want the divorce really but he was also tired of dealing with my lack of Improvement as far as the marriage was concerned. I don’t think he will ever really understand what his addiction had done to me and our relationship and why I could not get past it. Plus there are no guarantees that he will stay sober. He may relapse 2 months from now or 10:years from now or never but there is always a chance that it will happen. I think right now you need to get help for yourself and let him do his thing with his recovery because there is nothing you can do to help him with that anyway. Get you figured out and see how it goes with him. I would recommend at least a year of sobriety and real recovery (as in he is working a program very seriously). If at all possible inpatient rehab would be the best option but can be expensive. I think that without rehab my ex would’ve taken many years to get where he is at now. He was a very stubborn recovering alcoholic . He was successful and has been clean for almost 3 years but he is no longer the same person he was when I met him and neither am I. He is not a bad person but he has changed and he just really ruined our relationship to where I no longer had feelings for him. It is a long hard road for him but also for you. That why I think it is really important from you to get counseling from yourself. I went weekly from the time I confronted him until the day I moved out for just over 2 years and I needed every bit of it.
Get yourself educated about alcoholism, I understood so little about it and I wish I had done more research before I confronted him. It might not have changed the outcome but it may have helped my cope better when he had spun out if control again. Watch pleasure unwoven if you can find it, it is a really good documentary about addiction/alcoholism. We watched it in rehab.
I would also go talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. My lawyer told me that he knew of a guy that had been sober for all of 2 weeks and he got 50/50 custody. Sobering may be a really good option for you as well, no kids unless he blows clean.
Good luck, keep coming back here because there is a lot of info and you will find that our stories are very similar. Think about you and your kids and let your H do his thing.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Thank you to all.
I found a group near me that I should be able to get to. Will probably still have to take the baby, hopefully that'll be okay. It's not Al-Anon it's SMART friends and family, but I'm not going for any particular structure, at least not right now, I just want to be around people who are dealing with the same sorts of things and can understand.
I also found a counselling service that isn't that nearby but that has a free creche, so I can go there during school-time and leave the baby in the creche. I really think that'd do me good. I haven't ruled out marriage counselling maybe in the future but it's not where I want to put my energy right now.
I found a group near me that I should be able to get to. Will probably still have to take the baby, hopefully that'll be okay. It's not Al-Anon it's SMART friends and family, but I'm not going for any particular structure, at least not right now, I just want to be around people who are dealing with the same sorts of things and can understand.
I also found a counselling service that isn't that nearby but that has a free creche, so I can go there during school-time and leave the baby in the creche. I really think that'd do me good. I haven't ruled out marriage counselling maybe in the future but it's not where I want to put my energy right now.
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Join Date: May 2019
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Ask yourself if you trust and respect him. The answer should be evident. I don't think a relationship can survive if trust and respect are gone.
This. My own alcoholic (recovering? Who knows) husband lied and betrayed my trust so much that I don't trust him anymore. With the lack of trust, I no longer feel the same love either. I feel like my life was on hold hoping and believing he'd get better, but I'm tired of waiting. We all have different breaking points which tell us when we've finally had enough. You don't have to decide anything now, but can take a wait and see approach if you prefer.
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