Going no-contact...ish
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
Going no-contact...ish
Hi all,
I've been MIA for months, though I've been lurking. Thought I'd log in and post an update.
I have an alcoholic friend; after getting really enmeshed in his drama, I had begun slowly untangling myself but have been finding my footing trying to figure out how to be a good friend and live in accordance with my own values while also not hiding behind them as "excuses" for codependent behaviour.
A few months ago I set a boundary that I would still be his friend but didn't want to talk much about his "recovery" (using quotes because I genuinely think that my friend has developed a cross-addiction to rehab itself) ... that was the last time I posted.
Maintaining that boundary was really difficult and I didn't do a great job. Within weeks it had morphed into "I'm not reaching out but if you reach out I will be there to listen" and I did a good job with THAT one... except then I kind of became a doormat of sorts because even though I wasn't spending energy reaching out I was always there on demand. Just dial up Saltlamp and explain how high to jump, and Saltlamp will probably do it.
Anyway. He's off to another rehab. After three weeks of his most recent treatment I thought maybe it would be "safe" to say- super gently- that I felt a little sad when he didn't acknowledge my birthday that week. He did TEXT me on my birthday but only to ask for a favour. (He's in a program where he has access to his phone and everything, not one of those "lock down" types.) So it turned into a whole familiar thing about how he simply can't possibly be expected to do things like wish people a happy birthday when he was doing the much more important work of rehab. Not an apology, just a "how dare you be upset; what an unreasonable expectation. By the very nature of mentioning that it made you sad *you*, Saltlamp, have made me feel worthless and depressed and full of shame. How.Dare.You!" Nothing shocking from an alcoholic. Honestly didn't even hurt that much because I've learned to expect it.
And with that something clicked and I explained that I was drawing a bigger boundary. I explained that over the last while, I have come to feel that I'm treated more like a resource than a friend. To which he replies "what is a friend if not a resource?" and I was all like :o ... ("omg, SoberRecovery was spooky right. Alcoholics reallllllly truly do not understand what FRIENDSHIP even means!!!")
So, after a bit of reflection (not an angry reactionary thing) I decided it's time for no contact. I opted to block his number, explained that I was going to do that, wished him all the best in his healing and am withdrawing from the friendship we once shared.
No contact really seems like the very best thing. One problem: we are literally next door neighbours and belong to the same church, so clearly we're going to see each other when he gets back from this rehab.
I could use some support in helping me sort out how to keep a boundary when that time comes.
I've been MIA for months, though I've been lurking. Thought I'd log in and post an update.
I have an alcoholic friend; after getting really enmeshed in his drama, I had begun slowly untangling myself but have been finding my footing trying to figure out how to be a good friend and live in accordance with my own values while also not hiding behind them as "excuses" for codependent behaviour.
A few months ago I set a boundary that I would still be his friend but didn't want to talk much about his "recovery" (using quotes because I genuinely think that my friend has developed a cross-addiction to rehab itself) ... that was the last time I posted.
Maintaining that boundary was really difficult and I didn't do a great job. Within weeks it had morphed into "I'm not reaching out but if you reach out I will be there to listen" and I did a good job with THAT one... except then I kind of became a doormat of sorts because even though I wasn't spending energy reaching out I was always there on demand. Just dial up Saltlamp and explain how high to jump, and Saltlamp will probably do it.
Anyway. He's off to another rehab. After three weeks of his most recent treatment I thought maybe it would be "safe" to say- super gently- that I felt a little sad when he didn't acknowledge my birthday that week. He did TEXT me on my birthday but only to ask for a favour. (He's in a program where he has access to his phone and everything, not one of those "lock down" types.) So it turned into a whole familiar thing about how he simply can't possibly be expected to do things like wish people a happy birthday when he was doing the much more important work of rehab. Not an apology, just a "how dare you be upset; what an unreasonable expectation. By the very nature of mentioning that it made you sad *you*, Saltlamp, have made me feel worthless and depressed and full of shame. How.Dare.You!" Nothing shocking from an alcoholic. Honestly didn't even hurt that much because I've learned to expect it.
And with that something clicked and I explained that I was drawing a bigger boundary. I explained that over the last while, I have come to feel that I'm treated more like a resource than a friend. To which he replies "what is a friend if not a resource?" and I was all like :o ... ("omg, SoberRecovery was spooky right. Alcoholics reallllllly truly do not understand what FRIENDSHIP even means!!!")
So, after a bit of reflection (not an angry reactionary thing) I decided it's time for no contact. I opted to block his number, explained that I was going to do that, wished him all the best in his healing and am withdrawing from the friendship we once shared.
No contact really seems like the very best thing. One problem: we are literally next door neighbours and belong to the same church, so clearly we're going to see each other when he gets back from this rehab.
I could use some support in helping me sort out how to keep a boundary when that time comes.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Just dial up Saltlamp and explain how high to jump, and Saltlamp will probably do it.
say NO, every time. do not engage, by text or in person. do not expect friendship from this person. treat him like someone showing up on your doorstep to sell you lightbulbs. thanks but no thanks.
he clearly told you how he views your place in his life. time to QUIT that job!
say NO, every time. do not engage, by text or in person. do not expect friendship from this person. treat him like someone showing up on your doorstep to sell you lightbulbs. thanks but no thanks.
he clearly told you how he views your place in his life. time to QUIT that job!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
Anvilhead, I've really come to appreciate your pull-no-punches approach.
It really is that simple when it all boils down to it.
"Treat him like someone showing up on your doorstep to sell you lightbulbs" makes me laugh. I'm forming a really elaborate mental picture.
It really is that simple when it all boils down to it.
"Treat him like someone showing up on your doorstep to sell you lightbulbs" makes me laugh. I'm forming a really elaborate mental picture.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Saltlamp 
Alcoholics reallllllly truly do not understand what FRIENDSHIP even means!!!")
Selfishness is a keystone of addiction. When you are always keeping your eye on the prize (whatever the drug of choice is) there must be very little room (read none) for anything else, unless it pleases you.
The moment you request anything, even a happy birthday, you have stepped waaaayyyyyyyyy over their boundary, as you discovered.
It seems so simple, it requires so little effort. Hope you have a great birthday - that's it - 6 words (and one of them is really little!), but no, that is not only too much trouble it also invites you to make a further demand, to acknowledge you have feelings about anything, that might entail him having to - omg - do something for you!! god forbid - which would take away from - oh no - him!
Selfish, self centered, it's a terrible thing, truly and you are so wise to cut off all contact. The thing is you can't be friends with someone like that because you only have two choices. Be completely focused on them and their needs or form boundaries of what you need. The second one (as you discovered) is not actually an option because if you do have one you will be referred, by the addict, back to option one.
Stay strong, make a list of every single miserable thing he has ever said or done. You will need it to refer to because thoughts like - he really needs me and if I'm not there who will he talk to and etc etc
Truth is, he has loads of people to talk to at rehab and every other support place he visits. Kind of sounds like he goes there to get attention rather than trying to break this addiction?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
A resource, but of course. Doesn't everyone who grew up in a happy home remember their mothers warmly asking "Hi honey, how was school? Did you make any resources today at your first day of kindergarten?" Then later, enquiring with wide eyes "Mom, how many resources can I invite to my birthday party?" I know this is one of my treasured childhood memories, when my mom said I could bring not only one but TWO resources to the waterpark with me!
I remember a wedding I was at, how touching it was when the bride gazed into her groom's eyes and declared "Today I not only marry the love of my life, but my best resource."
And let's not forget all those #1 hits over time- the Beatles "I get by with a little help from my Resources?", James Taylor's "You've got a Resource in me" and, my #1 favourite boot stomping boogie, despite its' pro-alcohol message Garth Brook's "I've got Resources in Low Places." Many of us grew up with classic hymns such as "What a Resource we have in Jesus" and it brings us great comfort in times of stress. Or those classic, warm fuzzy Christmas movies: It's a Wonderful Like just wouldn't be the same without such beautiful quotes as "Remember, George, no man is a failure who has resources."
(((I amuse myself)))
I remember a wedding I was at, how touching it was when the bride gazed into her groom's eyes and declared "Today I not only marry the love of my life, but my best resource."
And let's not forget all those #1 hits over time- the Beatles "I get by with a little help from my Resources?", James Taylor's "You've got a Resource in me" and, my #1 favourite boot stomping boogie, despite its' pro-alcohol message Garth Brook's "I've got Resources in Low Places." Many of us grew up with classic hymns such as "What a Resource we have in Jesus" and it brings us great comfort in times of stress. Or those classic, warm fuzzy Christmas movies: It's a Wonderful Like just wouldn't be the same without such beautiful quotes as "Remember, George, no man is a failure who has resources."
(((I amuse myself)))
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 61
In seriousness, though, it's good advice, Trailmix, that I need to be alert to the kinds of thoughts like "he really needs me." I'm a big ol' sucker for a sob story.
But I've also been around the block enough times to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there WILL be a sob story coming my way.
But I've also been around the block enough times to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that there WILL be a sob story coming my way.
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saltlamp…...I can do you o ne better....
Check out the following link to my favorite Resource Song...…….
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...225&FORM=VIRE0
Check out the following link to my favorite Resource Song...…….
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...225&FORM=VIRE0
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Location: USA
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Tell him the truth, that you feel no contact is what is good for YOU. That he has to move forward and work on himself and you have to do the same, and that in doing so you have decided no contact is best.
I attend the same church as my XAH. We share children. We have been going to the same church for over five years divorced and don't talk or have contact. It works fine.
I attend the same church as my XAH. We share children. We have been going to the same church for over five years divorced and don't talk or have contact. It works fine.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Hmm, I don’t know.. I have a couple of friends who struggle (or struggled) with alcoholism and substance abuse and still remember my birthday every year. Go out of their way to, even. And 1 long time friend who just doesn’t remember it, ever, and there’s really no excuse there.
If he’s so wrapped up in what he’s doing, and you mentioned your birthday, he could have just said “happy birthday”, and didn’t have to go into this big long invalidating thing. I know when someone is in active alcoholism, or new to recovery, it may account for some lapses in memory and self absorption. It can also be a pattern of behavior over all, and that type of thing that might be there regardless if he’s in active alcoholism or not (invalidating, concerned about himself/ numero uno, and not so much about others people’s feelings). I’d say do whatever you feel is best for you, it sounds like he is, and isn’t really too concerned about how his behavior is affecting others?
If he’s so wrapped up in what he’s doing, and you mentioned your birthday, he could have just said “happy birthday”, and didn’t have to go into this big long invalidating thing. I know when someone is in active alcoholism, or new to recovery, it may account for some lapses in memory and self absorption. It can also be a pattern of behavior over all, and that type of thing that might be there regardless if he’s in active alcoholism or not (invalidating, concerned about himself/ numero uno, and not so much about others people’s feelings). I’d say do whatever you feel is best for you, it sounds like he is, and isn’t really too concerned about how his behavior is affecting others?
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Yeah, the birthday thing is just another in a long line of similar incidents. Like, I returned to school and graduated with a new university degree this spring- he was just out of a different rehab and “relapsing” (quotes because I don’t think he ever really quit the active alcoholism even in treatment)... I was being all considerate that he may have forgotten the event/date despite this basically being an all consuming thing for me for the previous four years... I even sent him a text message with a “yay, I graduated!” meme on the actual - but he still didn’t acknowledge it. Not even a text back. Weeks later he claimed he was just too depressed to type anything. (He wasn’t too depressed to get to the liquor store, naturally.) Just one example in a pile of similar stories.
Our friendship started when he was active in recovery- I’ve never known him as not an alcoholic but then again neither has anyone else. In those years, working his program, the friendship was a mutual dynamic. He was a very likeable person. But he has changed.
I’m struggling a little bit with guilt from “giving up” on my friend. There’s part of me that is telling myself that I’m giving up on someone in their time of need.
But I’m also celebrating because saying with my actions and decisions that I deserve to be treated more kindly is a self-love milestone for me. And since blocking his number I feel more at peace. So I’m trying to feed that rather than the guilty feeling.
Our friendship started when he was active in recovery- I’ve never known him as not an alcoholic but then again neither has anyone else. In those years, working his program, the friendship was a mutual dynamic. He was a very likeable person. But he has changed.
I’m struggling a little bit with guilt from “giving up” on my friend. There’s part of me that is telling myself that I’m giving up on someone in their time of need.
But I’m also celebrating because saying with my actions and decisions that I deserve to be treated more kindly is a self-love milestone for me. And since blocking his number I feel more at peace. So I’m trying to feed that rather than the guilty feeling.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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Yeah that sounds pretty crappy too, not congratulating you or responding to your text. That kind of thing really annoys me too, like when someone is supposedly too busy or depressed or whatever to respond to a text. Not that people have to be tied to their phones, but when days or weeks go by- jeez. I know of a couple of people like this where there is also this personal exceptionalism going on, where they might be too busy or depressed (and you’re right- you then sometimes see that they aren’t too busy or depressed to go out, or post on social media, or make phones calls), yet if *they* don’t get a response right away, suddenly it becomes “how dare anyone ignore me”, or some other thing that makes them annoyed when they don’t get a response right away.
I don’t know about your friend, maybe this is just how he is now. But I know for me, I just don’t reach out or send out texts to people who treat me like that. If he’s truly sorry for the way he’s been treating you, I think he’ll eventually figure it out and apologize, and hopefully change his behavior to where it’s mutual give and take friendship again. Who knows if it will ever go back to that, though. If I were in your shoes I’d probably do what you are doing too- focus on yourself for a while and not get involved in what he’s doing or not doing.
I don’t know about your friend, maybe this is just how he is now. But I know for me, I just don’t reach out or send out texts to people who treat me like that. If he’s truly sorry for the way he’s been treating you, I think he’ll eventually figure it out and apologize, and hopefully change his behavior to where it’s mutual give and take friendship again. Who knows if it will ever go back to that, though. If I were in your shoes I’d probably do what you are doing too- focus on yourself for a while and not get involved in what he’s doing or not doing.
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Originally Posted by Saltlamp
I’m struggling a little bit with guilt from “giving up” on my friend. There’s part of me that is telling myself that I’m giving up on someone in their time of need.
You are a bad resource! (kidding).
Seriously, it sounds like he is way beyond caring about anyone but himself so nothing you do or say will actually make one iota of difference. Might give him comfort for 5 or 10 minutes but is that worth sacrificing your peace of mind for? He could probably read a self help book and get that.
That's no reflection on you by the way, it's just where he (seems to be) at.
In fact, he probably prefers to have no contact as well, then he has to put out zero effort. I mean it's handy for him to have a shoulder to cry on periodically, but now he doesn't have to make any effort at all, which probably suits him.
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