feeling so alone

Old 09-15-2019, 07:44 PM
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feeling so alone

feeling bad tonight. Ex had been on a good run after detox. Started seeing DD, we were all together...i struggled being around her tho. Lots of upset for me still. She was waiting on an inpatient bed but has started drinking again...

I feel awful...like am i doing the right thing, just freaking sad tonight.
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Old 09-15-2019, 07:49 PM
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It's a horrible feeling yo yo'ing between these feelings. You are doing the right thing.. It just sucks! It's heart wrenching. All you can do is focus on yourself. Can you hang out with some friends?
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Old 09-15-2019, 07:57 PM
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We just got back from my friends place. My DD is close friends with their kids so it was good. The ex is on my mind...the sadness has been building over the course of the day.
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Old 09-15-2019, 08:28 PM
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I’m so sorry. Was thinkin’ about you a few days ago. It is very sad. Addiction is extremely painful to watch/experience. It’s very isolating. And all the back and forth is exhausting... and toxic for you, woodland. All I can say, you’ve gotta find a way to stay on your side of the street. Not hers. You’re very affected emotionally by HER issues and addiction. Her sh*t is bringing you down. I know... you’re in it... you’re consumed by it all. Keep posting! We are here to help.
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Old 09-15-2019, 08:30 PM
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Milano, NYC, thanks for being there. I am wishing i could have your strength right now
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Old 09-15-2019, 08:39 PM
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Strength is in you, woodland... it’s just been given entirely to someone else... someone who absorbs it all... over & over again until you have nothing left.

See here’s the thing... once you are able to step back, you’ll also want to TAKE BACK the power to love yourself.
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Old 09-15-2019, 10:20 PM
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I love that line in Labyrinth where the girl says to Jareth.. You have no power over me.

Your ex only has power over you if you let her. It could be as well.. You're coming out of the fog. You've actually given up hope of her recovering and instead of relief there's only sadness. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that you're not on your own. There are hundreds here who have gone through the same agony as you, hundreds more who got through and are stronger, happier and free. You're on your way. And we're here right with you sunshine. Cry, yell scream. You have a right to feel this pain.. But you also have a right to let it go.
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Old 09-16-2019, 04:03 AM
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Originally Posted by woodlandlost View Post
feeling bad tonight. Ex had been on a good run after detox. Started seeing DD, we were all together...i struggled being around her tho. Lots of upset for me still. She was waiting on an inpatient bed but has started drinking again...

I feel awful...like am i doing the right thing, just freaking sad tonight.
So nothing has changed.

Playing happy families right now is maybe really bad for you? I know you want to be with her, I totally get it.

Is she still seeing the other guy?

I'm not saying you are wrong, I just see you getting hurt over and over. No wonder you are in despair, this situation is pretty intolerable.

Perhaps the best way forward is making some changes for yourself. Glad to hear you are getting out. Now, you may not feel the best when out and kind of have to act happy when that is far from how you are feeling but doing things like meeting friends - well think of it as small steps to healing and moving forward.
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Old 09-16-2019, 04:45 AM
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I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm finding out that I can't chit-chat with my DH (who is in the process of moving out and still using) because he often seems too "normal" and it's painful for me. I'm going no-contact as much as possible right now to give myself some time to heal.
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Old 09-16-2019, 08:55 AM
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Trailmix: As far as I know, she swears up and down that it is over between her and the other man. I don't know if they are still in communication or not.

I feel so sad, she is so sick and yet I am mad as heck. What a strange place to be, operating at the extremes it seems.
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Old 09-16-2019, 09:21 AM
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Yes and unfortunately the only thing that will resolve this, one way or the other is time. More will be revealed.

Anger is not a bad thing, in my opinion. It's ok and normal I think to be angry, why wouldn't you be? When you stay there though, in anger, when it is not propelling you (eventually) to move forward, that can be a problem.

She hurt you badly, she blew up your family. That's certainly anger-worthy. Now what.

Until you decide you are moving forward, perhaps that anger will remain. Being angry with her for being so irresponsible (put kindly) helps no one, not you and not your Daughter.

Use it to move forward or let it go, those are the choices. Generally your mind will let it go eventually because hey, it doesn't really like to hold a negative or any emotion really for long periods of time, however, if you are unable to let that go, it's time to get help.

There is a path forward, with or without her and without the anger but you have to choose that.

Aren't you tired of being angry? Do you feel your options are anger or despair?
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Old 09-16-2019, 10:10 AM
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Trailmix:

You are correct...anger and despair are in me, CHECK

And I agree, why hold onto it? Because, ya I am mad the whole family had to blow up for this. And I still stay in the mix of it too. It is hard to move on. I am connected to this person, we share a child, finances. It is such a sticky mess. I have no new insite to offer here...
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Old 09-16-2019, 10:24 AM
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your last update was just about a month ago exactly....your OP here is that AW was "doing well after detox"....just trying to get the timeline right here. so sometime after 8/11 she went to detox, which is a 3 day dry out event. meaning that at most she had a couple WEEKS sober? and ya'll started hanging out again.

then supposedly she was "waiting" for a bed at inpatient and...here's a surprise.......picked up drinking again.

NOBODY gets all better after detox.
NOBODY gets all better in 2 weeks, 4 weeks, 36 weeks.

she has a lot more issues that just alcohol. simply taking that out of the equation for a short period of time changes NOTHING.

it bothers me a bit when the non-addict partner who has a child or children says that the FAMILY is torn apart. the parent and child ARE a family, it's just that one of the members BAILED. you and your DD ARE family. never ever forget that. it would probably be best to continue to limit/restrict how much interaction DD has with the still drinking, still out of control "parent". the now you see, now you don't can REALLY mess up a little kid's head.

with their limited experience and resources to draw on, they will often assume that they are somehow faulty or at fault. everybody else's mommy comes home each day, sleeps in the house each night. why not mine?

continuing to focus on YOUR loneliness and HER absence only further expands the void - the child can see it, feel it. time to close up that gap and embrace your "family" as it is today.
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Old 09-16-2019, 10:29 AM
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Yes - "let it go" almost sounds flip (I know you know I didn't mean it that way).

If ONLY it were that easy. Hmm, think I'll let that go - and off you go on to bigger and better things/days yay!

Really what it is, is a process. You aren't on that path yet, you are right where you have always been, hoping she will straighten out, become the person you knew and all will be well.

That might happen, it might not - back to the more will be revealed.

In the meantime though, regardless of how that works, there was/is something inherently wrong with your interactions with her and probably has been for some time. I'm not saying that is your "fault" or hers in fact, it just seems like that is key here. Perhaps trying to unravel that will give you some peace of mind.

If you are going to be around her, you will need to deal with that anger because you are not helping her if that is what you are bringing to the table. Now, you don't have to help her per se, that's not your job and I certainly don't mean getting too involved but showing up to lunch angry is not helping any of you. So if that is your M.O. right now, keeping your distance would be doing everyone a favour.

Yes it's been an absolute disaster but she is trying and she has discontinued the affair (according to her) - if so, she is moving forward - you can too.

(good point Anvil - better wording would have been - blew up the family "as you knew it").
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Old 09-16-2019, 10:37 AM
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You know exactly what you need to do...
you just have to get to that point, take the initiative... mostly for your daughter’s sake.

Wait, why do you share finances? This could be a part of the issue? Of course I don’t know exactly what your full “broken up” status means in terms of any legal obligations.
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Old 09-16-2019, 11:32 AM
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AnvilheadII: Spot on. I am the family and caregiver and I am not doing the best job for her. I know it. Especially when consumed by my own worry and grief. Thank you.

Trail and NYC: your points are well made. Sometimes I think that if I don't get it all figured out instantly that it is hopeless and that I should run to her. small steps, I can't run towards her in the good or the bad.

Ugh.
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Old 09-16-2019, 11:40 AM
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I share children and shared finances with my XAH. I know it's hard. However, you are not doomed to a life of this hell unless you stay in this same place. You have to look at what is good for you and your child and do that.

I agree, time reveals many things. We don't like to wait, but it is what it is.

sending you lots of strength!
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