Attending AA Meetings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Attending AA Meetings
It's recommended in my Alanon groups to attend a few
AA meetings. I'm curious if anyone here has gone and have you
been helped in any way? I have attended one, a women's meeting.
Very nice folks, but I think this is something I don't need, maybe
even stirred a little resentment in me. Or should
I attend a couple more because those more experienced
Alanoners recommend it?
AA meetings. I'm curious if anyone here has gone and have you
been helped in any way? I have attended one, a women's meeting.
Very nice folks, but I think this is something I don't need, maybe
even stirred a little resentment in me. Or should
I attend a couple more because those more experienced
Alanoners recommend it?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I haven't heard of that myself, but where I go to AA, there are quite a few Alano folks who attend open AA (speaker) meetings. I imagine the reasoning it was suggested would be to give a glimpse into an alcoholic's mindset/world from their perspective. I have heard from more than one "normie" (pardon the expression) that going to these kinds of open speaker meetings can give some insight. But obviously, you do what is right for you. If you don't want to go, don't go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
As BlownOne said, to get some insight from their perspective.
Since November last year, I have had my H, DD, and DS in detox
and rehab from alcohol. Maybe I have too much perspective
on second thought. Grateful- absolutely, but maybe at this
point I should give it some time.
Since November last year, I have had my H, DD, and DS in detox
and rehab from alcohol. Maybe I have too much perspective
on second thought. Grateful- absolutely, but maybe at this
point I should give it some time.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
A lot of ladies at my Al-anon home group regularly attend open AA meetings.
There are also joint AA and Al-anon conferences around where I live.
I think the reason is for the Al-anoner to understand how the alkie mind works.
There are also joint AA and Al-anon conferences around where I live.
I think the reason is for the Al-anoner to understand how the alkie mind works.
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Mylifeismine-
After about two years in Al-anon I started to regularly attend Open AA meetings. I regularly attend a woman's Open AA meeting now.
I find them very helpful. Not so much to understand the mind of someone with an addiction (I have my own eating disorder) but to see recovery in action.
The reason I still attend the one I do is in part because of the amazing recovery in that room. Hundred of years of recovery, and it helped me to realize that when in recovery people are not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. I can feel that this level of recovery is different than when my love one was just saying what I wanted to hear.
Also I found that the folks in AA were much more likely to be able to laugh at themselves, and were more emotionally real/raw. They were willing to jump in emotionally and my natural tendency is to freeze, disconnect and numb out. My Al-anon group helped to give me skills, the Open AA group allowed me to see that it was okay to add feelings to the mix.
It took me time in recovery to be ready for Open AA meetings. Just like Al-Anon all the meetings have a different flavor and flair. My reasons for going to them I don't remember but I suspect it was not the reason I continue to go.
I am not saying you need to go either way, and I am afraid that across the typed page this may come out wrong, but could your expectations about what you SHOULD get out of these meetings be tripping you up? Having resentment about someone's addiction is normal....can you bring that to your group or a therapist? I only ask because my disease of co-dependency equated having my own feelings with being bad. I had a lot of stuff about Al-Anon come up the first few years that I needed to process.
Great question
After about two years in Al-anon I started to regularly attend Open AA meetings. I regularly attend a woman's Open AA meeting now.
I find them very helpful. Not so much to understand the mind of someone with an addiction (I have my own eating disorder) but to see recovery in action.
The reason I still attend the one I do is in part because of the amazing recovery in that room. Hundred of years of recovery, and it helped me to realize that when in recovery people are not just talking the talk, but walking the walk. I can feel that this level of recovery is different than when my love one was just saying what I wanted to hear.
Also I found that the folks in AA were much more likely to be able to laugh at themselves, and were more emotionally real/raw. They were willing to jump in emotionally and my natural tendency is to freeze, disconnect and numb out. My Al-anon group helped to give me skills, the Open AA group allowed me to see that it was okay to add feelings to the mix.
It took me time in recovery to be ready for Open AA meetings. Just like Al-Anon all the meetings have a different flavor and flair. My reasons for going to them I don't remember but I suspect it was not the reason I continue to go.
I am not saying you need to go either way, and I am afraid that across the typed page this may come out wrong, but could your expectations about what you SHOULD get out of these meetings be tripping you up? Having resentment about someone's addiction is normal....can you bring that to your group or a therapist? I only ask because my disease of co-dependency equated having my own feelings with being bad. I had a lot of stuff about Al-Anon come up the first few years that I needed to process.
Great question
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 170
Hey,
For the last month+ I have attended AA regularly, several speaker meetings and open discussion meetings, couple of big books. Probably at 5 different locations. I prefer AA to Al Anon. I am a double winner it seems, with co-dep and alcoholism running through my veins. I drank everyday for 3 odd years, and got drunk often enough intermittently in prior years that I accepted it was more than abuse.
I can quit drinking easily, it’s the mental side of addiction that leads to my co-dependency. My wife “couldn’t handle her liquor”/s, which made her a bad person in my eyes and because now she was in trouble and being insane I couldn’t even drink socially and because she couldn’t control her drinking, I needed to (ha) and the resentments mounted with each massive screw up and I got angrier and angrier.
At AA I found many of the stories unrelatable but informative and so similar in the extreme events that you realize an alcoholic in active addiction is insane and totally consumed by the addiction and all that goes with it.
Codependency is no different, the lengths I went to trying to control something besides myself was a waste of time and will take you under just as fast as booze if not deeper. Booze doesn’t have the ability to hurt you like another human can. Hell it does nothing but sit on a shelf like an evil genie until an alcoholic sets it free. Problem is the only 3 wishes it grants are disaster, destruction and death.
Rambling sorry..,
Hit AA meetings it will shock and enlighten you and force you to realize what you are dealing with and what’s possible. Once you know what you are dealing with, and see that nothing you do is going to change the situation, you can make more informed and better choices about your life’s direction.
For the last month+ I have attended AA regularly, several speaker meetings and open discussion meetings, couple of big books. Probably at 5 different locations. I prefer AA to Al Anon. I am a double winner it seems, with co-dep and alcoholism running through my veins. I drank everyday for 3 odd years, and got drunk often enough intermittently in prior years that I accepted it was more than abuse.
I can quit drinking easily, it’s the mental side of addiction that leads to my co-dependency. My wife “couldn’t handle her liquor”/s, which made her a bad person in my eyes and because now she was in trouble and being insane I couldn’t even drink socially and because she couldn’t control her drinking, I needed to (ha) and the resentments mounted with each massive screw up and I got angrier and angrier.
At AA I found many of the stories unrelatable but informative and so similar in the extreme events that you realize an alcoholic in active addiction is insane and totally consumed by the addiction and all that goes with it.
Codependency is no different, the lengths I went to trying to control something besides myself was a waste of time and will take you under just as fast as booze if not deeper. Booze doesn’t have the ability to hurt you like another human can. Hell it does nothing but sit on a shelf like an evil genie until an alcoholic sets it free. Problem is the only 3 wishes it grants are disaster, destruction and death.
Rambling sorry..,
Hit AA meetings it will shock and enlighten you and force you to realize what you are dealing with and what’s possible. Once you know what you are dealing with, and see that nothing you do is going to change the situation, you can make more informed and better choices about your life’s direction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"Booze doesn’t have the ability to hurt you like another human can. Hell it does nothing but sit on a shelf like an evil genie until an alcoholic sets it free. Problem is the only 3 wishes it grants are disaster, destruction and death."
Truth.
Thanks for your perspective Beachn. I've been going to Alanon for
almost 3 years now, and have avoided going to AA meetings as
recommended. It is on my mind a lot now, so I am realizing there
must be something there I need to learn. Put fear aside and go.
Truth.
Thanks for your perspective Beachn. I've been going to Alanon for
almost 3 years now, and have avoided going to AA meetings as
recommended. It is on my mind a lot now, so I am realizing there
must be something there I need to learn. Put fear aside and go.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad to see this topic and the answers. I am a believer that whichever category we fall into (and I'm a double winner too as I grew up with an alcoholic mother), it's good to spend time in both. FA, too, if you are like my husband and I - my stepson is struggling with drugs and depression and is in treatment right now.
My first sponsor advised me to develop a strong AA program before adding the AlAnon effort- a couple years at least. I'm just past 3.5 yrs sober and had been contemplating my readiness, then we started FA in late summer for my stepson. I (and we) do a lot of family work in general, so to speak, and my mom (now sober) and I are in a very good place.
I won't ever have "enough" added to my own program so adding pieces, if you will, is on my long term agenda.
Always glad when people ask about this kind of stuff.
My first sponsor advised me to develop a strong AA program before adding the AlAnon effort- a couple years at least. I'm just past 3.5 yrs sober and had been contemplating my readiness, then we started FA in late summer for my stepson. I (and we) do a lot of family work in general, so to speak, and my mom (now sober) and I are in a very good place.
I won't ever have "enough" added to my own program so adding pieces, if you will, is on my long term agenda.
Always glad when people ask about this kind of stuff.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Prayer and Higher Power can clear things up. Right meetings at the right time, for whatever reason beyond me.
I've found open AA meetings beneficial for:
1. Seeing recovery in action.
2. Being able to differentiate stages of recovery -- mine and others.
3. Being willing, open and honest with myself and others in new ways.
4. Kindness, respect, laughter and sometimes a cup of coffee or tea. Being "a part of".
5. Getting to know a large group of people in recovery strengthens my core beliefs that recovery happens on an ongoing basis. Let go and let God.
I've found open AA meetings beneficial for:
1. Seeing recovery in action.
2. Being able to differentiate stages of recovery -- mine and others.
3. Being willing, open and honest with myself and others in new ways.
4. Kindness, respect, laughter and sometimes a cup of coffee or tea. Being "a part of".
5. Getting to know a large group of people in recovery strengthens my core beliefs that recovery happens on an ongoing basis. Let go and let God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
mylifeismine - i noticed you said you attended a women's only meeting of AA. those are usually considered CLOSED meetings for alcoholics only. i suggest you carefully look over the schedule and make sure to attend OPEN meetings only.
also, if you don't WANT to go, you certainly do not have to. it's not a requirement and it's not for everyone. you could read some of the personal stories in the Big Book or the NA Basic Text.
also, if you don't WANT to go, you certainly do not have to. it's not a requirement and it's not for everyone. you could read some of the personal stories in the Big Book or the NA Basic Text.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I chose therapy and Alanon when needed. I’ve been to AA meetings — but for me, it’s just more focus on the alcoholic. It honestly becomes all too much. Therapy did the most for me personally. The less I think & obsess (which I rarely do anymore) about my ex’s alcoholism... the more I’m able to move forward. But glad AA is there and does help many.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by LifeChangeNYC 
The less I think & obsess (which I rarely do anymore) about my ex’s alcoholism... the more I’m able to move forward. But glad AA is there and does help many.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I’ve attended many open AA meetings.
I attend for me, rather than to get insight on the alcoholics/addicts in my life.
There can be so much amazing recovery in those meetings, and there is so much to learn even though I’m not an alcoholic. I take something meaningful away almost every time and in a crazy world, it is a place where all are accepted.
I attend for me, rather than to get insight on the alcoholics/addicts in my life.
There can be so much amazing recovery in those meetings, and there is so much to learn even though I’m not an alcoholic. I take something meaningful away almost every time and in a crazy world, it is a place where all are accepted.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Trailmix...As you probably remember, my ex-girlfriend was toxic, abusive and an active alcoholic. After finding support here (literally the night I left her), I learned my relationship was a classic case of trauma bonding.
The healing process has truly been a “mixed bag” effort: 100% no contact, intense therapy, subconscious positive stimulus (will explain further), and my own version of “exposure therapy” where I made a very conscious effort to retrain my brain to convert past negatives to positive stimuli. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least — but after 6 months I hit so many milestones.
I’ll try and give the shortest method to explain what I did... the first month I was a complete wreck so I made lists (thanks to the advice here). List upon list of everything negative my ex said and did to me. I also made a list of quotes. I picked up a bulletin board, put it on my wall (right next to my bed) and started posting images of all my dreams... tangible dreams (the cabin I want to live in, the family I want to have, etc). That way I would wake up and fall asleep right next to suggestive and powerfully inspiring imagery that focused on my dreams and my healing.
I chose one author and started listening to every e-book by Eckhart Tolle. I listened to him pretty much 24-7. I had him playing quietly even when I slept. I had to find a way to change the abuse I had allowed to enter my life with new and healthy receptors. I knew my subconscious was listening even if I was asleep. It was pretty key in my healing. At this point, I couldn’t even listen to music without crying... everything was razor sharp in terms of sensitivity and sadness.
Now I did research alcoholism, trauma, abuse, narcissistic personalities, etc for the first 2 months. I had to. I went to Alanon... cried... grieved... but July/Aug, I began letting my obsession with alcoholism go. I stopped before researching... “trying to find answers” became yet another obsession.
I then started my own “exposure therapy”... I made a list of triggers and started facing them head on: my old neighborhood(s) where I lived with her, bars, the sound of a beer can opening, specific music, etc. It was hell for me — so I took it day by day. For ex: I actually walked on my old block, past my old apt building (where she still lives on occasion). I listened to Tolle (terrified of course) and just kept walking. I did that 1-2x week for a bit. I forced myself to listen to specific playlists I made for her... but I had to do so in a new, positive setting. It took time not to break down! For ex; I listened to it in a museum looking at beautiful paintings. New POSITIVE associations to old, trauma-inducing triggers.
I could go on forever, but that’s exactly what’s healing me.
I also forced myself to go out nearly every night alone or with an old/new friend. Maybe it was just having scrambled eggs at a diner alone... didn’t matter, as long as I was talking to someone and out of my isolation!
For me, being around alcoholics (either in recovery or otherwise) isn’t a healthy mindset. Again, this is just me. AA just makes me “reflect” or “hope” that my ex was there. Puts me right back in step 1.
But “recovery” is different for everyone. I think my greatest hurdle wasn’t just overcoming the addiction aspect... it was/has been dealing with the constant verbal abuse I suffered for nearly 6 years. Therapy has been a life saver with that.
The healing process has truly been a “mixed bag” effort: 100% no contact, intense therapy, subconscious positive stimulus (will explain further), and my own version of “exposure therapy” where I made a very conscious effort to retrain my brain to convert past negatives to positive stimuli. It hasn’t been easy, to say the least — but after 6 months I hit so many milestones.
I’ll try and give the shortest method to explain what I did... the first month I was a complete wreck so I made lists (thanks to the advice here). List upon list of everything negative my ex said and did to me. I also made a list of quotes. I picked up a bulletin board, put it on my wall (right next to my bed) and started posting images of all my dreams... tangible dreams (the cabin I want to live in, the family I want to have, etc). That way I would wake up and fall asleep right next to suggestive and powerfully inspiring imagery that focused on my dreams and my healing.
I chose one author and started listening to every e-book by Eckhart Tolle. I listened to him pretty much 24-7. I had him playing quietly even when I slept. I had to find a way to change the abuse I had allowed to enter my life with new and healthy receptors. I knew my subconscious was listening even if I was asleep. It was pretty key in my healing. At this point, I couldn’t even listen to music without crying... everything was razor sharp in terms of sensitivity and sadness.
Now I did research alcoholism, trauma, abuse, narcissistic personalities, etc for the first 2 months. I had to. I went to Alanon... cried... grieved... but July/Aug, I began letting my obsession with alcoholism go. I stopped before researching... “trying to find answers” became yet another obsession.
I then started my own “exposure therapy”... I made a list of triggers and started facing them head on: my old neighborhood(s) where I lived with her, bars, the sound of a beer can opening, specific music, etc. It was hell for me — so I took it day by day. For ex: I actually walked on my old block, past my old apt building (where she still lives on occasion). I listened to Tolle (terrified of course) and just kept walking. I did that 1-2x week for a bit. I forced myself to listen to specific playlists I made for her... but I had to do so in a new, positive setting. It took time not to break down! For ex; I listened to it in a museum looking at beautiful paintings. New POSITIVE associations to old, trauma-inducing triggers.
I could go on forever, but that’s exactly what’s healing me.
I also forced myself to go out nearly every night alone or with an old/new friend. Maybe it was just having scrambled eggs at a diner alone... didn’t matter, as long as I was talking to someone and out of my isolation!
For me, being around alcoholics (either in recovery or otherwise) isn’t a healthy mindset. Again, this is just me. AA just makes me “reflect” or “hope” that my ex was there. Puts me right back in step 1.
But “recovery” is different for everyone. I think my greatest hurdle wasn’t just overcoming the addiction aspect... it was/has been dealing with the constant verbal abuse I suffered for nearly 6 years. Therapy has been a life saver with that.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
Trailmix, btw - I knew I’d hit signs of healing once I made it past the longest amount of time I had gone without returning to my ex.
I had sadly returned to her 5x in the past!!!
So for me, that was 4 months. Once I hit that... I celebrated in my heart, soul and mind. Every day I feel better... the sense of relief is priceless.
I had sadly returned to her 5x in the past!!!
So for me, that was 4 months. Once I hit that... I celebrated in my heart, soul and mind. Every day I feel better... the sense of relief is priceless.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Thanks for sharing all that NYC.
I too found two tools that you used really powerful at one time. The list! Also the returning to places that we used to go to and reclaiming them (which initially hurts quite a bit). This store is "mine" it always was, this vehicle is "mine" it always was - this city is mine! etc etc
I really like the idea of making different connections to things too.
One thing I have found is I no longer share anything with anyone as in a song or a place or anything. All places are now mine. Perhaps some day when I find someone I really trust, that won't be the case, but for now it works for me.
Your exposure therapy is REALLY courageous and a terrific idea.
You are doing so well NYC, I'm sure your experience healing is helping many.
Do we have a thread with successful things people used to heal? I don't think I've ever seen one. Perhaps we need one (or I've missed it).
I too found two tools that you used really powerful at one time. The list! Also the returning to places that we used to go to and reclaiming them (which initially hurts quite a bit). This store is "mine" it always was, this vehicle is "mine" it always was - this city is mine! etc etc
I really like the idea of making different connections to things too.
One thing I have found is I no longer share anything with anyone as in a song or a place or anything. All places are now mine. Perhaps some day when I find someone I really trust, that won't be the case, but for now it works for me.
Your exposure therapy is REALLY courageous and a terrific idea.
You are doing so well NYC, I'm sure your experience healing is helping many.
Do we have a thread with successful things people used to heal? I don't think I've ever seen one. Perhaps we need one (or I've missed it).
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