First Date
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
First Date
I went on a date last night with someone I'm actually quite excited about, which hasn't happened in a while since ending things with AXBF over two years ago. In fact, I've been trying to keep a level head and temper my giddiness all day. He's wickedly funny, polite (opens car doors and whatnot), and we have oodles of chemistry. So far, so good.
Now, ever since AXBF, I feel like I am always on "high alert" when someone drinks. I mean, I drink, too, but I find myself acutely aware of how much other people drink, whether it's beer or hard alcohol, mood changes, etc. In total, over the course of 3 1/2 hours, my date had one margarita and two beers. I had two beers. No biggie, I thought.
This morning, however, he sent me a text message: "I met my buddy at the bar by my place and drank and played pool until 2am! Ugh, I'm too old for this sh*t."
Wait... what? Who does that? On a Wednesday night when they have to work at 7am the next day? Is this "normal" for a 36-year-old man?
Part of me feels like it's a red flag. The other part of me feels like it's only a big deal because of my PTSD from AXBF. I'm thinking I'll just go with the "sit back and wait and all will be revealed" mantra.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Now, ever since AXBF, I feel like I am always on "high alert" when someone drinks. I mean, I drink, too, but I find myself acutely aware of how much other people drink, whether it's beer or hard alcohol, mood changes, etc. In total, over the course of 3 1/2 hours, my date had one margarita and two beers. I had two beers. No biggie, I thought.
This morning, however, he sent me a text message: "I met my buddy at the bar by my place and drank and played pool until 2am! Ugh, I'm too old for this sh*t."
Wait... what? Who does that? On a Wednesday night when they have to work at 7am the next day? Is this "normal" for a 36-year-old man?
Part of me feels like it's a red flag. The other part of me feels like it's only a big deal because of my PTSD from AXBF. I'm thinking I'll just go with the "sit back and wait and all will be revealed" mantra.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
red flags a flyin'!!!!!!!!!!!
met my buddy......so was this pre-arranged as something they would do AFTER the date? or did buddy just happen to call when the date was over and say HEY i'm at The Bar! or did your date go TO The Bar on his way home and buddy just happened to be there?
....at THE bar by MY place. aka local hangout.
....drank and played pool til 2am. so after the marguerita and the beers at dinner (guessing dinner was around 6-7pm), he then went to The Bar and continued to drink for another 6 hours or so. on a school nite.
....ugh, i'm too old for this sh!t. said the what did you call him? wickedly funny and polite FIRST DATE? and you wanna bet how many mornings after he has said that exact same thing?
met my buddy......so was this pre-arranged as something they would do AFTER the date? or did buddy just happen to call when the date was over and say HEY i'm at The Bar! or did your date go TO The Bar on his way home and buddy just happened to be there?
....at THE bar by MY place. aka local hangout.
....drank and played pool til 2am. so after the marguerita and the beers at dinner (guessing dinner was around 6-7pm), he then went to The Bar and continued to drink for another 6 hours or so. on a school nite.
....ugh, i'm too old for this sh!t. said the what did you call him? wickedly funny and polite FIRST DATE? and you wanna bet how many mornings after he has said that exact same thing?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I would say that more is being revealed. He stays up most of the night drinking with his buddy and he understands this behavior as a problem. It’s possible that he’s not a disordered drinker, but the odds just went up. It sounds like he’s trying to find out whether you see this behavior as a problem (do you text back “LOL me too! All the time haha!!” or “[sadface]”?). Does he know your ex was an alcoholic? If he’s aware of this, and he decides to tell you about going out drinking with his buddy after three drinks with you, that strikes me as kind of weird.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
What exactly are his work hours anyway? It might be a good idea to find out so 1) you suss out if your work schedules are in sync and 2) you figure out if your 2AM is his 11PM. If he works as nurse/doctor in a hospital who the hell knows when his schedule is.
That said, if he has normal working hours, staying up until 2AM is very much a red flag. As they say, more will be revealed.
That said, if he has normal working hours, staying up until 2AM is very much a red flag. As they say, more will be revealed.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Someone else on this forum posted almost the exact same thing one time!
Might not have been right after the date, maybe the next night or something but the guy actually said (if I remember correctly) - I'm getting too old for this s**t! .
Weird.
But anyway, who knows if he has a drinking "problem" but you do know two things about him now - he likes a good drinking time out - and when I say "good" I mean a lot of drinks, two he will do that at the drop of a hat, assuming this wasn't pre-arranged.
So he likes to party, if nothing else, is that a boyfriend you want? Do you want to say hey, want to go out for dinner/movie Wednesday and he tells you he has to skip the movie because he's going drinking with his friend and to play pool.
If you are ok with that, then you are and that's ok. If not, I would cut ties now.
Might not have been right after the date, maybe the next night or something but the guy actually said (if I remember correctly) - I'm getting too old for this s**t! .
Weird.
But anyway, who knows if he has a drinking "problem" but you do know two things about him now - he likes a good drinking time out - and when I say "good" I mean a lot of drinks, two he will do that at the drop of a hat, assuming this wasn't pre-arranged.
So he likes to party, if nothing else, is that a boyfriend you want? Do you want to say hey, want to go out for dinner/movie Wednesday and he tells you he has to skip the movie because he's going drinking with his friend and to play pool.
If you are ok with that, then you are and that's ok. If not, I would cut ties now.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
I’d say... it’s less about trying to decipher whether or not he’s a problem drinker or alcoholic.
It’s flat out... do YOU want to be with someone who drinks more than they should on occasion or otherwise in their late 30s?
I’m a guy in my early 40s and after living with my alcoholic ex have pretty much lived a sober life. I can’t tolerate drinking or being around heavy drinkers. But that’s just me.
I think there are good men who drink some.. or say they drink a wee too much on rare occasion. That being said, because of your past... it is a red flag. If I was dating a girl I really liked and she said the same thing... ugh, I too would second guess if I wanted that relationship. For me, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be around that... even if only on occasion. Nope, not for me. Good luck!
It’s flat out... do YOU want to be with someone who drinks more than they should on occasion or otherwise in their late 30s?
I’m a guy in my early 40s and after living with my alcoholic ex have pretty much lived a sober life. I can’t tolerate drinking or being around heavy drinkers. But that’s just me.
I think there are good men who drink some.. or say they drink a wee too much on rare occasion. That being said, because of your past... it is a red flag. If I was dating a girl I really liked and she said the same thing... ugh, I too would second guess if I wanted that relationship. For me, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be around that... even if only on occasion. Nope, not for me. Good luck!
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
imagine what he does on friday and saturdays.
or keep dating and find out firsthand.
seems a normal text, which,imo, a man would call to say the words, would be something along the lines of," it was an enjoyable time last night."
or keep dating and find out firsthand.
seems a normal text, which,imo, a man would call to say the words, would be something along the lines of," it was an enjoyable time last night."
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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Late Husband played darts. Now, there are plenty of people who carry their favorite darts in their pocket (or purses) and can play darts as an activity while getting to know someone, instead of buying one drink after another and getting trashed.
Late Husband would sometimes 'go to X Bar and play darts' on a week night. Darts started and 7 or maybe 7:30, probably through in a couple hours, tops. That was so people who had to work (or cared about going to work) in the morning could go home at a reasonable hour.
Odd, if one misses work Monday morning, colleagues will figure 'Hangover.' Calling in sick on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays i'm sure didn't raise the same suspicion. I wonder if that's why they played on a week night. Yes, Late Husband was 'too sick to come in' on a couple Tuesdays.
We moved out of the city into out own house about a year after we married. He noticed a tavern a couple miles away that advertised a dart night, and he mentioned it. I told him I wasn't going to make two trips to the bar every week on dart night to drop him off and pick him up. He'd have to stay sober enough to drive or have a friend drive him. He set up a dart board at home.
Maybe I'm old, but on my first date with Current Guy, we finished our first and only drinks and went and made out in my car. (Okay, so I'm not a role model. Bad Velma. On the other hand, I don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time.)
The next day he texted me to tell me he had a really good time. And to ask when we cold get together again. He didn't (so far as I know) have plans for after our date.
So three drinks with you, then meeting a buddy and drinking some more. I see a flag waving in the distance. Maybe he does shift work and didn't have to be there until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. That's still a mighty tolerance for booze.
It sounds like he’s trying to find out whether you see this behavior as a problem (do you text back “LOL me too! All the time haha!!” or “[sadface]”?).
^This, so much.^^
ETA: Late AH never admitted 'being too old for this ---t.'
Late Husband would sometimes 'go to X Bar and play darts' on a week night. Darts started and 7 or maybe 7:30, probably through in a couple hours, tops. That was so people who had to work (or cared about going to work) in the morning could go home at a reasonable hour.
Odd, if one misses work Monday morning, colleagues will figure 'Hangover.' Calling in sick on Tuesdays, Wednesdays or Thursdays i'm sure didn't raise the same suspicion. I wonder if that's why they played on a week night. Yes, Late Husband was 'too sick to come in' on a couple Tuesdays.
We moved out of the city into out own house about a year after we married. He noticed a tavern a couple miles away that advertised a dart night, and he mentioned it. I told him I wasn't going to make two trips to the bar every week on dart night to drop him off and pick him up. He'd have to stay sober enough to drive or have a friend drive him. He set up a dart board at home.
Maybe I'm old, but on my first date with Current Guy, we finished our first and only drinks and went and made out in my car. (Okay, so I'm not a role model. Bad Velma. On the other hand, I don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time.)
The next day he texted me to tell me he had a really good time. And to ask when we cold get together again. He didn't (so far as I know) have plans for after our date.
So three drinks with you, then meeting a buddy and drinking some more. I see a flag waving in the distance. Maybe he does shift work and didn't have to be there until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. That's still a mighty tolerance for booze.
It sounds like he’s trying to find out whether you see this behavior as a problem (do you text back “LOL me too! All the time haha!!” or “[sadface]”?).
^This, so much.^^
ETA: Late AH never admitted 'being too old for this ---t.'
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
HI Saveher,
To me it sounds like a red flag. You have boundaries that you have setup to keep you feeling safe. The date might of gone great and you both drank modestly during the date. I would be concerned that he had to go out afterwards and drink more on a weeknight. I would proceed with caution if i were going to continue dating him. Tell him how you feel and where you stand on alcohol. If he's not willing to change and you don't feel comfortable in the amount he's drinking then he's not the one for you. There are lots of fish out in the sea. They don't all drink like one. Have a great day and be strong.
To me it sounds like a red flag. You have boundaries that you have setup to keep you feeling safe. The date might of gone great and you both drank modestly during the date. I would be concerned that he had to go out afterwards and drink more on a weeknight. I would proceed with caution if i were going to continue dating him. Tell him how you feel and where you stand on alcohol. If he's not willing to change and you don't feel comfortable in the amount he's drinking then he's not the one for you. There are lots of fish out in the sea. They don't all drink like one. Have a great day and be strong.
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Originally Posted by SaveHer 
I went on a date last night with someone I'm actually quite excited about...He's wickedly funny, polite (opens car doors and whatnot), and we have oodles of chemistry. So far, so good.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
on my first date with Current Guy, we finished our first and only drinks and went and made out in my car. (Okay, so I'm not a role model. Bad Velma. On the other hand, I don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time.)
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I see red flags with his after date behavior but was that a fluke or a habit, only time would tell. Some other things you might want to consider is how did you meet him? Was it on a dating site, is he a perfect stranger who may have been on perfect first date behavior, only time will tell. Was it through a friend who might be able to shed more light on his drinking habits?
I think it is good that you have a heightened awareness of drinking issues. That awareness will hopefully keep you from getting to involved to quickly with someone who has made you feel “excited”. Often it’s those feelings that keep us from seeing things in other people that we need to see. We often become so pre-occupied with feeling so good it’s hard to see and process reality compared to the fantasy we have going in our heads.
Right now it’s yellow light proceed with caution time, not time to rush before it turns red.
I think it is good that you have a heightened awareness of drinking issues. That awareness will hopefully keep you from getting to involved to quickly with someone who has made you feel “excited”. Often it’s those feelings that keep us from seeing things in other people that we need to see. We often become so pre-occupied with feeling so good it’s hard to see and process reality compared to the fantasy we have going in our heads.
Right now it’s yellow light proceed with caution time, not time to rush before it turns red.
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Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
I wouldnt be that jumpy with conclusions! However, i would ask him about his opinion on alcohol in general and perhaps mention how i wouldnt tolerate a partner who drinks and based on my previous bad experience. If he is a mature person, you will see from his response.
id like to hear back from you on what happened next! Stand your ground and always speak your mind openly about what u want or dont want! I think its the best way even at the start!
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id like to hear back from you on what happened next! Stand your ground and always speak your mind openly about what u want or dont want! I think its the best way even at the start!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I did not tell him that I dated an alcoholic or that heavy drinking makes me squeamish. I figure if someone does have a drinking problem it will reveal itself sooner if I hold my cards close.
My response to his text message was matter-of-fact: "Well, that was not a very smart decision."
These are very interesting questions: Any chance this also describes your first date with XABF? Or any men you've dated since breaking up with said ABF?
I've dated about eight men since AXBF. Most ended because we didn't have chemistry. The two I did have chemistry with had major baggage (not addiction) that revealed itself early on. I'm just trying to find chemistry with someone who only has minor baggage like the rest of us.
My response to his text message was matter-of-fact: "Well, that was not a very smart decision."
These are very interesting questions: Any chance this also describes your first date with XABF? Or any men you've dated since breaking up with said ABF?
I've dated about eight men since AXBF. Most ended because we didn't have chemistry. The two I did have chemistry with had major baggage (not addiction) that revealed itself early on. I'm just trying to find chemistry with someone who only has minor baggage like the rest of us.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
IMHO, skip the search for "chemistry" - that's the flow of biological juices that OFTEN is actually our "fight or flight" response. you're own research proves this out:
I've dated about eight men since AXBF. Most ended because we didn't have chemistry. The two I did have chemistry with had major baggage (not addiction) that revealed itself early on.
I've dated about eight men since AXBF. Most ended because we didn't have chemistry. The two I did have chemistry with had major baggage (not addiction) that revealed itself early on.
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