Not sure what to think
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Join Date: Sep 2019
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Not sure what to think
3 weeks ago I was in bliss. Me and my boyfriend were doing good for the most part but I associated his constant drinking for being in party mode since he didnt work. He had come to stay with me for a trial run and things did not work out. He drank all the time and his ex started calling saying he was with her and that set me off and I checked his phone. While there wasnt proof of that at that time I found that he was talking to other girls and saying not so nice things about me. That coupled with his party lifestyle and delayed communication I decided to tell him to leave. His friend said he couldnt come back to live with him. I gave it another shot. Found out he cheated and asked him to leave again and we broke up.
He had no car, no possessions, no money and I dropped him off at the bus station with $100. That night he tried to OD on heroin and instead was hit by a truck which landed him in the hospital. When he left the hospital days later he was arrested for small possession of weed and released soon after. After that he went back home to his friends got tanked and made a big scene. He ended up being hospitalized for depression and detoxed for a week. I had no clue it was that bad. Not one person or friend of him is supporting him. I spoke to his dad and he wants no part of him. He said many disturbing things.... I think to cautioncaution ex is now in rehab and we decided to remain friends and I have been visiting and getting him stuff he needs.
When i see him he is affectionate and when I leave I cry. I cry for him mostly but also because I terribly miss us and I am struggling making the right decision. I have been told by numerous people that I should just stop seeing him but my heart doesnt want to. Part of me wants to believe that he will do rehab and the half way house and he will get better. I want to believe that the guy who cheated and could be nasty will be faithful and nice. But I dont think he will be ok because his family is not helping. He misses his son whom he was very close to before going to jail. He also has this distant look in his eyes.
He calls me less and less and its sporadically maybe once a day now. So I answer every call now hoping its him. The entire time I am awake he is on my mind and it's making me depressed and anxious. I also lost my job when he was admitted to the hospital. I am struggling being a friend because 2 weeks ago I was his girlfriend and I am also struggling because how affectionate he is now. I am also afraid that he could still be a cheater and get caught up in a rehab romance. I often ask myself if he would be waiting for me at home while I was in rehab? I feel safer as a friend.
How do I cope? This is the first time I ever dealt with addiction. How do i make it less about me? How can I be there for him? How can I learn to trust him again when I barely see or talk to him and when I do we arent supposed to bring up bad topics, like trust, etc. We had a very genuine conversation about his future and he said he is hoping I am part of it. Honestly I dont see a future without him but i wont tell him that. He said he likes to see me. Even though he says he loves me and he is affectionate I feel like he will slowly push me away because he no longer needs me (which is good) and because he will be challenged to give up his past. Also because he has told me numerous times I dont deserve scum like him and that he is holding me back from better things. I cant stop him from pushing me away and I understand it. But under the condition that he has someone..... maybe even a friend from rehab that wont contribute to his relapse and are willing to help him. I want to run from this but I am so worried about him. This definitely hurts.
He had no car, no possessions, no money and I dropped him off at the bus station with $100. That night he tried to OD on heroin and instead was hit by a truck which landed him in the hospital. When he left the hospital days later he was arrested for small possession of weed and released soon after. After that he went back home to his friends got tanked and made a big scene. He ended up being hospitalized for depression and detoxed for a week. I had no clue it was that bad. Not one person or friend of him is supporting him. I spoke to his dad and he wants no part of him. He said many disturbing things.... I think to cautioncaution ex is now in rehab and we decided to remain friends and I have been visiting and getting him stuff he needs.
When i see him he is affectionate and when I leave I cry. I cry for him mostly but also because I terribly miss us and I am struggling making the right decision. I have been told by numerous people that I should just stop seeing him but my heart doesnt want to. Part of me wants to believe that he will do rehab and the half way house and he will get better. I want to believe that the guy who cheated and could be nasty will be faithful and nice. But I dont think he will be ok because his family is not helping. He misses his son whom he was very close to before going to jail. He also has this distant look in his eyes.
He calls me less and less and its sporadically maybe once a day now. So I answer every call now hoping its him. The entire time I am awake he is on my mind and it's making me depressed and anxious. I also lost my job when he was admitted to the hospital. I am struggling being a friend because 2 weeks ago I was his girlfriend and I am also struggling because how affectionate he is now. I am also afraid that he could still be a cheater and get caught up in a rehab romance. I often ask myself if he would be waiting for me at home while I was in rehab? I feel safer as a friend.
How do I cope? This is the first time I ever dealt with addiction. How do i make it less about me? How can I be there for him? How can I learn to trust him again when I barely see or talk to him and when I do we arent supposed to bring up bad topics, like trust, etc. We had a very genuine conversation about his future and he said he is hoping I am part of it. Honestly I dont see a future without him but i wont tell him that. He said he likes to see me. Even though he says he loves me and he is affectionate I feel like he will slowly push me away because he no longer needs me (which is good) and because he will be challenged to give up his past. Also because he has told me numerous times I dont deserve scum like him and that he is holding me back from better things. I cant stop him from pushing me away and I understand it. But under the condition that he has someone..... maybe even a friend from rehab that wont contribute to his relapse and are willing to help him. I want to run from this but I am so worried about him. This definitely hurts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by New2me 
How do i make it less about me? How can I be there for him? How can I learn to trust him again when I barely see or talk to him and when I do we arent supposed to bring up bad topics, like trust, etc.
First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (what we call the 3 c's). This is the truth of it all.
You ask above, how do you make it less about you? The answer is you shouldn't, for you this should be more about you than it is about him or you as a couple.
The most important thing right now is to look after yourself, to focus back on yourself, take care of yourself. He will take care of himself. He is a grown man with a huge problem, but that's his issue, not yours. He is in rehab getting help, leave it to the professionals.
As someone else just said in another thread and is said around here often - hope is not a plan.
This person, addiction or not, has treated you horribly, yet you are still taking care of him. Taking him things to rehab and being there for him to talk to. Why are you doing that to yourself?
He really can't be trusted you know, certainly not at this early stage and the best thing for you to do is cut contact and let him get on with his recovery if he chooses that.
Now I know that hurts, you are very attached to him, but look at where you are hanging your hopes, on someone who is in active addiction and has lied to you and cheated on you. Is that the life partner you want? Until such time as he has a proven track record of honesty and sobriety, you should back away.
There is a book often recommended here - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie, also I would really recommend reading around the forum here, the other threads and the stickies at the top. It's so important to learn about addiction (for you, not for him).
Stick around, keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i'm curious what the attraction is here? he cheats, he lies, he has nothing in the way of possessions or funds, he's in contact with an ex and other women, he barely contacts you and probably then only when he NEEDS something. oh and he's an addict.
what are you getting out of this type of behavior and treatment? no rehab is going to change this guy into Prince Charming. his friends want nothing to do with him, his own father....that says A LOT!!!
what are you getting out of this type of behavior and treatment? no rehab is going to change this guy into Prince Charming. his friends want nothing to do with him, his own father....that says A LOT!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You can work towards acceptance of the fact that this is a not a person who is in any position to be someone's partner. If he is to recover--if he is to survive--he needs to put 100% of his energy on himself. He won't and shouldn't have anything to spare towards a relationship.
It takes a long time to recover and get healthy--both physically and emotionally. He simply can't be there for you in the way you want and need if he is to get better. And if he tries, he will put his recovery at risk and you are likely to find yourself right back where you started.
Letting go is simply the kindest and most generous thing you can do for both of you right now.
It takes a long time to recover and get healthy--both physically and emotionally. He simply can't be there for you in the way you want and need if he is to get better. And if he tries, he will put his recovery at risk and you are likely to find yourself right back where you started.
Letting go is simply the kindest and most generous thing you can do for both of you right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi New2Me.
I'm sorry for your hurt but,you need to take care of yourself. Only the Alcoholic can fix them self. There is nothing you can do to help them. He has to want to change.
Him cheating on you, lying to you, and being mean is not the type of person you should be around. When you open your Heart to someone they should not treat it that way. You deserve better then that.
Like Trailmix said. "Hope is not a Plan" you have to set boundaries and do the best to stick to them. Also reading as much as you can about Alcoholism. Reading about what it does, and how it affects people around them has really opened my eyes about it.
You are a strong person, you did nothing to cause this. You have to come first. Have a good day and we are here for you.
I'm sorry for your hurt but,you need to take care of yourself. Only the Alcoholic can fix them self. There is nothing you can do to help them. He has to want to change.
Him cheating on you, lying to you, and being mean is not the type of person you should be around. When you open your Heart to someone they should not treat it that way. You deserve better then that.
Like Trailmix said. "Hope is not a Plan" you have to set boundaries and do the best to stick to them. Also reading as much as you can about Alcoholism. Reading about what it does, and how it affects people around them has really opened my eyes about it.
You are a strong person, you did nothing to cause this. You have to come first. Have a good day and we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
He doesn't work.
His friends and family are tired of supporting a mooch and loafer who wouldn't do anything for himself, and won't do it any more. He found someone who would - you. And while he was with you, he was lining up other women in case you got tired of him.
being in party mode...his party lifestyle
He's not in 'party mode.' I go to parties to enjoy the company of other people. Getting drunk so the presence or absence of others doesn't matter is just 'getting drunk.' Calling boozing anything other than what it is is just minimizing or ignoring the issue.
I also lost my job when he was admitted to the hospital.
You gave up a job to visit a person in the hospital for a few days. In what world was this beneficial to your (or his!) long term situation? Even if you decided to stay with him, since he doesn't care to provide for himself, you would have to provide for both of you.
He misses his son whom he was very close to before going to jail.
I'm guessing this is not for the few days he spent for the pot. So, he's got a child he doesn't see or and obviously doesn't support, as well? And other arrests and convictions?
But I dont think he will be ok because his family is not helping.
To quote AnvilheadII:
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
I've met a few people who are charismatic and friendly - and would just as soon stab someone in the back (or simply ghost on them) if they can't get what they want from them. They're called 'con artists.' The 'con' part isn't from being a convict. It's short for 'confidence,' because gaining the victim's confidence is the first step in getting what they want.
His friends and family are tired of supporting a mooch and loafer who wouldn't do anything for himself, and won't do it any more. He found someone who would - you. And while he was with you, he was lining up other women in case you got tired of him.
being in party mode...his party lifestyle
He's not in 'party mode.' I go to parties to enjoy the company of other people. Getting drunk so the presence or absence of others doesn't matter is just 'getting drunk.' Calling boozing anything other than what it is is just minimizing or ignoring the issue.
I also lost my job when he was admitted to the hospital.
You gave up a job to visit a person in the hospital for a few days. In what world was this beneficial to your (or his!) long term situation? Even if you decided to stay with him, since he doesn't care to provide for himself, you would have to provide for both of you.
He misses his son whom he was very close to before going to jail.
I'm guessing this is not for the few days he spent for the pot. So, he's got a child he doesn't see or and obviously doesn't support, as well? And other arrests and convictions?
But I dont think he will be ok because his family is not helping.
To quote AnvilheadII:
if i decided today to train for a marathon race, there is not a lot that my partner can DO for me. nor would i expect a lot. i'm the one that would have to lace up the shoes and go hit the pavement. i'm the one that would likely have to clean up my diet, develop a workout routine, follow a schedule of distances to run, timing, and whatever else is involved. i would not expect my partner to get up with me, run with me, any of that. it would be nice if they didn't INTERFERE.
I've met a few people who are charismatic and friendly - and would just as soon stab someone in the back (or simply ghost on them) if they can't get what they want from them. They're called 'con artists.' The 'con' part isn't from being a convict. It's short for 'confidence,' because gaining the victim's confidence is the first step in getting what they want.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Please, sweetie. Run away from this mess as fast as you can.
He’s unemployed, has a child he doesn’t support, takes hard drugs, is an alcoholic, has a prison record and new charges, cheats, lies, ran up a bunch of medical bills...
I am begging you here. This guy is a parasite. Maybe he wasn’t always, but that’s all that’s left now. Sure he’s being sweet right now, you are doing what he wants and lost your job to do it.
Love doesn’t fix everything, not even close. “Stand By Your Man” is a dumb song and really horrible life advice.
He will ruin your life, if you let him.
Don’t.
He’s unemployed, has a child he doesn’t support, takes hard drugs, is an alcoholic, has a prison record and new charges, cheats, lies, ran up a bunch of medical bills...
I am begging you here. This guy is a parasite. Maybe he wasn’t always, but that’s all that’s left now. Sure he’s being sweet right now, you are doing what he wants and lost your job to do it.
Love doesn’t fix everything, not even close. “Stand By Your Man” is a dumb song and really horrible life advice.
He will ruin your life, if you let him.
Don’t.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
How do i make it less about me?
this is where you make it ALL about you. hes shown who he is and ya still want him? do you think you can change him into prince charming?
How can I be there for him?
seems like hes tryin to tell ya he doesnt want you around him so why?
How can I learn to trust him again when I barely see or talk to him and when I do we arent supposed to bring up bad topics, like trust, etc.
the way he is you cant.
.... I feel like he will slowly push me away because he no longer needs me ...
what i read here is he loves the enabling codependant that you exhibit.
how long have you been "together?"
this is where you make it ALL about you. hes shown who he is and ya still want him? do you think you can change him into prince charming?
How can I be there for him?
seems like hes tryin to tell ya he doesnt want you around him so why?
How can I learn to trust him again when I barely see or talk to him and when I do we arent supposed to bring up bad topics, like trust, etc.
the way he is you cant.
.... I feel like he will slowly push me away because he no longer needs me ...
what i read here is he loves the enabling codependant that you exhibit.
how long have you been "together?"
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Sometimes the best way to "be there" for someone is not to "be there". There are two someones involved, you and he. The best thing you could do for yourself is to close the chapter. Likely, this is the best thing for he, also. If he received treatment at all, he has been given the resources he needs to take care of himself.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
First off, I'm really sorry for what you're going through. You've gotten some good advice here.
This is a man that uses women as resources. His own father is done with him, I do hope you take that as a strong sign that he's not the right person for you.
Please don't take his affectionate act as anything more than an act to manipulate you into being his landing pad as he crashes, crashes and crashes again. His actions speak - he's calling you less and less. He's cheating on you. He talks poor of you through text to other people. This will not change. It will only steal the best of your days, months and years that you have left and keep you from the possibility of a better man.
I've been in this same situation too. The best way to cope is to accept the situation for what it is, that this is a person who is incapable of love, real attachment, real affection, of holding his life together. That you are not capable nor responsible of changing him, and he will not change for you. No matter what he's said, how affectionate he is being (when it serves him) or what he promises for the future.
Then you make a clean break. No visits, texts, do the work to move on and heal. You do not need to "learn to trust him." You do not need to be his friend (I know this sounds harsh) but you have to save yourself and put yourself first in this situation. It will hurt for a while, but it's worth it in the end.
This is a man that uses women as resources. His own father is done with him, I do hope you take that as a strong sign that he's not the right person for you.
Please don't take his affectionate act as anything more than an act to manipulate you into being his landing pad as he crashes, crashes and crashes again. His actions speak - he's calling you less and less. He's cheating on you. He talks poor of you through text to other people. This will not change. It will only steal the best of your days, months and years that you have left and keep you from the possibility of a better man.
I've been in this same situation too. The best way to cope is to accept the situation for what it is, that this is a person who is incapable of love, real attachment, real affection, of holding his life together. That you are not capable nor responsible of changing him, and he will not change for you. No matter what he's said, how affectionate he is being (when it serves him) or what he promises for the future.
Then you make a clean break. No visits, texts, do the work to move on and heal. You do not need to "learn to trust him." You do not need to be his friend (I know this sounds harsh) but you have to save yourself and put yourself first in this situation. It will hurt for a while, but it's worth it in the end.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 94
I know the advice you are receiving is not what you want to hear. Each of us know and can say with certainty these things because we have been in your shoes in some way at some point in time. Many of us are still living what you have only begun to experience. I was the wife of an addict for 22 years. I wouldn't wish the pain and suffering that not only I experienced, but my four children had to experience, too, to say nothing of the suffering my ex-husband felt because of his choices.
No one can tell you what to do; any decision is yours to make, but please reflect on what has been said here. Read more posts from other members. Read and learn all you can about the disease and the affects of your partners disease on those around him - especially family dynamics should you ever marry him and have children. Please find an Al-Anon meeting where you can be face to face with other men and women with stories similar to yours. This is where you will find strength and growth. The strength and growth you find will help you answer your own questions.
This may seem silly at first, but when you are particularly worried or anxious repeat the three C's mentioned to you above: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it -- not matter how much time and effort you put into him or don't put into him the three C's remain true for all of us.
Another one I'm finding that causes my anxiousness to calm is to deep breathe the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Please, above all, take care of yourself because the crazy train of addiction doesn't care about you and will run over all and everyone in its path without mercy.
By the way, someone mentioned you reading CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I agree wholeheartedly. It was a life saver for me along with Al-Anon.
Hugs, keep posting
No one can tell you what to do; any decision is yours to make, but please reflect on what has been said here. Read more posts from other members. Read and learn all you can about the disease and the affects of your partners disease on those around him - especially family dynamics should you ever marry him and have children. Please find an Al-Anon meeting where you can be face to face with other men and women with stories similar to yours. This is where you will find strength and growth. The strength and growth you find will help you answer your own questions.
This may seem silly at first, but when you are particularly worried or anxious repeat the three C's mentioned to you above: you didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it -- not matter how much time and effort you put into him or don't put into him the three C's remain true for all of us.
Another one I'm finding that causes my anxiousness to calm is to deep breathe the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Please, above all, take care of yourself because the crazy train of addiction doesn't care about you and will run over all and everyone in its path without mercy.
By the way, someone mentioned you reading CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie. I agree wholeheartedly. It was a life saver for me along with Al-Anon.
Hugs, keep posting
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: Midwest
Posts: 158
His actions are telling you everything you need you need to know. There are a lot of guys out there that will not cheat on you, be an addict, lie to you, talk poorly of you, not mooch of you and have jobs...invest in finding one of those guys instead of this guy.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Please leave him. Now. It's brutal but it is the best- maybe only- way for YOU to heal.
Lots of sage advice above. Hope you do read and look around here, and the Codependent No More book is great - but from what you have told us, I think immediate action and help for you, from cutting him off in every way to everything bigger, is the really important step to take.
Good luck.
Lots of sage advice above. Hope you do read and look around here, and the Codependent No More book is great - but from what you have told us, I think immediate action and help for you, from cutting him off in every way to everything bigger, is the really important step to take.
Good luck.
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