Really positive weekend but he now tells me to back off

Old 09-08-2019, 09:53 PM
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Really positive weekend but he now tells me to back off

We had a brilliant weekend after I had stayed at my mums for a while. AH didn’t drink and he was his old self. He said he wanted to not drink rum again on Saturday morning, yet late last night he then had a few drinks. I was absolutely heartbroken and told him so. It erupted into a huge fight and now he’s saying that I’m to back off. I feel devastated as the weekend was like old times, and now he’s left the house shouting he’ll quit his job and that I’m pressuring him. What should I do?
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Old 09-08-2019, 10:42 PM
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hi sleeper, so sorry you are having such a horrible night.

I really suggest three things, first of all that you do "back off". Terrible way for him to put it but he's feeling pressured to not drink and that never ends well. I say this for your well-being by the way, nothing to do with him.

Secondly, read everything you can about alcoholism. Knowledge is power and you have a big problem here and you need to really know everything you can about it. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.

Third, you may want to start journaling these incidents, for you, not for him. You have posted:

- July 5th
We had a lovely evening with a friend and as soon as she left he picked an argument about something small.
- July 15th
We are due to go on a big holiday this week. And tonight he told me I was selfish and that he was going to leave me to go on my own.
- August 31st
But the last two weeks have been horrific, him saying the most awful things
- September 5th
he said awful things yet again and I received a message from him saying “ goodbye “
- ]September 8th
I’m to back off. I feel devastated as the weekend was like old times

Please know I'm not posting that to make you feel bad (but it probably does and I'm sorry about that) but you perhaps might want to try protecting yourself emotionally here. Being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, you can't just leave yourself wide open. It's not like a "normal" relationship with someone who is emotionally stable. His behaviour is erratic and he is certainly not going to look out for you so you need to look out for you! You always should, regardless, but absolutely in this situation.

If you don't you are going to keep being hurt and devastated. This can cause anxiety and low self esteem and trauma. It's not a good thing to allow someone to beat you up emotionally.

You need support, perhaps visit here and post more often or at least read daily? Including the stickies at the top of the forum. Have you read Codependent no more, do you have Al-Anon meetings near you?
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Old 09-08-2019, 11:07 PM
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I find the nice times confusing, unsettling and they really make me doubt my own judgement. I often have to remind myself of some of the times i have been belittled, ignored or had my feelings sit wide out in the open for weeks without them being acknowledged.
someone on this forum once told me to think of it this way...
They can be lovely, kind, say nice things etc, but also selfish, angry, passive-aggressive etc.
Its soooooo hard to keep a solid perspective as the sands keep shifting.
Yes, do back off and take the opportunity to look after yourself for a while.
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Old 09-08-2019, 11:40 PM
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Thanks for listening I’ve bought that book that everyone recommends. I have a counsellor weekly but he’s been away three weeks so I think all my thoughts and feelings have just spiralled. I still hope my husband can get better. This weekend I saw a glimmer of what he used to be. I guess I do need to become emotionally more strong, or I guess more resistant to hurt. It’s really helping being able to read other people similar stories
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Old 09-08-2019, 11:54 PM
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Is he seeking out recovery at all Sleeper? Is he trying to quit, in therapy, going to AA or anything?

I'm glad you have the book, it helps when you can read things that you can even partially relate to.

It's hard to become resistant to hurt, you really kind of have to detach yourself a bit you know? Detaching doesn't mean giving up, but what it does mean is you are taking care of yourself and good self-care is so important for you right now. Try not to let yourself get too isolated.

Being yelled at and put down is abuse you know. You don't deserve to be abused. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
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Old 09-09-2019, 02:09 AM
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Sleeper......I know, from personal experience, that it is a cruel experience to see the alcoholic when they "back off" of the alcohol long enough for us to see what they can be like if alcohol were not their driving force....then....BAM. Seeing them when their brain is under the effects of the alcohol, again....
It feels like our heart is being dragged down a gravel road on the end of a long rope....only worse!

I just want to share, with you, some of my thoughts on "hope"....to me, hope without the proper action to back it up is just a wish....
Hope, alone, doesn't do anything. Personally, I think it is better, perhaps, to use a different word....because it keeps us more realistic....I think the word, "preference" is a better word than "hope".....Like, instead of saying "I hope that it doesn't pour rain during the wedding, on Saturday"....it is better to say "It is my preference that it doesn't rain on Saturday"....or, " I would like for it not to rain on Saturday"...…
the word "hope" is given on this forum, thousands of times....in the context of why many people stick with an alcoholic relationship for years...10--20--30--40--and more years...because they "hoped" that their partner would stop drinking. In other words...hope is the major foundation that their relationship is based on.....
We do know that alcoholism does not reverse itself...that it is progressive, and will only get worse as the years wear on....unless there is majpr….MAJOR action, taken by the alcoholic to bring about remission of this illness.
"Hope"--- a loved one's preference.....is absolutely nothing up against alcoholism.....
for the alcoholic.....the only possibility for remission or life long recovery is a strong commitment and willingness to do the hard, necessary work to follow a program of recovery...and, to live by those principles for the rest of their life.....
the early recovery stage lasts from 1-2-3-4-5 years...according to who you talk to....Because it requires a change in the alcoholic's thinking ….which, then, leads to a change in attitude, which, then lead to a change in actions.....and actions are what really counts for the loved ones)…..
this requires sobriety to be the first priority for the alcoholic...always. It requires investment in time...for meetings, for working the steps of a program, for therapy and counseling for their own particular baggage or issues.....and, time, helping others....
The alcoholic really has to want to be sober.

It is so hard for the loved one, who doesn't understand alcoholism, to understand that it is not a matter of just deciding not to drink, because that would be logical.....
***Addiction happens in the part of the brain where there is no decision making.....it is about the chemicals in that part of the brain, that causes a powerful compulsion to consume alcohol....Sort of like feeling a craving for water when a person is dehydrated....one doesn't decide to crave water or not--it just happens in a certain part of the brain....

Sleeper, the above are simply some of my own thoughts for your consideration that they might be of help, to you......
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Old 09-09-2019, 04:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Sleeper2019 View Post
What should I do?
What do you want to do Sleeper? I mean really, in your heart of hearts, what do you want for your life? You don't have to answer me, I'd just like you to think about it. Also ask yourself if you are ever going to be able to have that quality of life while you are tied to an active alcoholic.

I was married to an alcoholic for a long time, we raised a family before I managed to find the strength to leave. I wanted a better life. I NEEDED a better life. I wasn't going to get it while I was attached to his chaos.

My father was an alcoholic, my mother stayed married to him for 50 years. She found him one afternoon, dying in their bed from his alcohol related heart conditions. He passed before help could arrive. She spent her whole adult life..from 20 to 70, hoping he would get better. He never did and he died in her arms.

After my mum got over the worst of her grief, she flourished and continues to. She still has major codependency problems between her and my brother( again she continues to hope, fruitlessly) but it is so nice to see her independent for the first time in her life. She does what she wants when she wants. She is no longer walking on the eggshells that surrounded my dad's wants and moods. She rearranged her home and redecorated it the way she wants it and in ways that work for her( they wouldn't work for anybody else but it works for her!) Her home stays clean and quiet and she is enjoying a peaceful life of gardening and doing her craft/art. She is among us women who found out how much easier finances are managed when a drunk isn't drinking away all your money.

I hope you keep reading and re-reading Codependent No More. That book changed my perspective on life. Because of that, I managed to find consistent happiness in my 40s instead of having to wait until my 70s.

*hugs*
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Old 09-09-2019, 07:11 AM
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Sleeper2019,

You have been through a lot of up and downs and it's frustrating. Just know he has to want to change. From the sounds of all your past post he doesn't want to change and is doing just enough for you to perceive there is a change at times. That's what Alcoholics need us to feel. That need to keep us hooked. All it is is manipulation. Unless he is seeking help of some type he will not be able to do it on his own. Alcohol is too strong of a need for him.

Just know you need to look after yourself and not focus on him. I know it's hard when you love someone. You need to come first. Find an AL-Anon group if you can. It has helped me and I always feel better after i have been to one. Have a great day.
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Old 09-09-2019, 07:34 AM
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Hi Sleeper, it sure sounds like you are in the excruciating depths of a relationship with an alcoholic. It is so not fun.

I second what everyone is saying. There is a firmly held idea around here that "hope is not a plan". We usually encourage people to come up with a plan.

Of course your preference is that your husband doesn't drink. Your AH's preference is to drink. Given these realities you can start making a plan for what you want to do. Of course no one wants to leave a spouse but it might be necessary given the incompatibility of you and your husband's preferences.

We all have the right to live our lives as we want. Your husband has the right to drink no matter how destructive it is to himself and your relationship. You have the right to not live with an alcoholic.

Everything we are telling you must be so difficult to hear. It took me a long long time to accept that my XABF would never be the partner I wanted. It hurt like all holy hell to leave him. I still remember that pain so I absolutely don't blame people who decide to stay with the addict rather than go through the horrible pain of leaving.

Keep reading and thinking and a big big hug to you sleeper.
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Old 09-09-2019, 12:33 PM
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AH didn’t drink and he was his old self

i think we get so used to them drunk all the time, that any break, however brief, when they are not cross-eyed, staggering and slurring seems like they are all better. we are willing to accept so little and excuse so much.

also a day or two of NOT drinking is not at all the same as sobriety or recovery. they are still the person who did all the terrible things 48 hours ago. we should not live for the moments when they do NOT call us names. or berate us. or yell.
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Old 09-09-2019, 01:54 PM
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welp, he DID say
he wanted to not drink rum again on Saturday morning .
didnt say anything about the evening.
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Old 09-09-2019, 02:29 PM
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I feel devastated as the weekend was like old times, and now he’s left the house shouting he’ll quit his job and that I’m pressuring him. What should I do?

He is just doing what alcoholics do.

You can do whatever you want to do with that knowledge. But believe it, please!

Put the focus on yourself and not on his unpredictable and frustrating and typical A behavior.

Peace,
B.
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Old 09-09-2019, 06:56 PM
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The scenario you describe is fairly typical for someone in a relationship with an active alcoholic. Alanon was a lifesaver for me, especially the support of others who had a lot more experience with alcoholism. A big hug!
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Old 09-10-2019, 02:12 AM
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I still remember that insane rollercoaster like it was yesterday. Thank god, for me... it was last May. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad... it’s deeply painful... BUT also, very toxic for you and YOUR well-being. All this chaos will (and is) destroying your health! Took me far too long to realize this. Let that sink in... HIS addiction is hurting you!!! You deserve far more — than being consumed by someone else’s addiction/abusive tendencies. Come here often!
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Old 09-10-2019, 04:06 AM
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sleeper.....how are you doing, today?
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Old 09-11-2019, 10:01 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Third, you may want to start journaling these incidents, for you, not for him. You have posted:
Journaling has helped me see a lot of truth this past year. I made charts/grids that listed things I wanted to track. I included positive things like exercise and spending time with friends. I also included worrisome things about my husband like: drank, talked to me, talked to DH, helped cook dinner, had a tantrum, etc. I just filled in spaces if the thing occurred and left it blank if it did not. sometimes I would write a sentence or two (got the idea for Bullet Journaling).

I found out that I'm decent in self-care but get little help around the house in general. I also saw (surprise, surprise) a huge correlation between his drinking and his ignoring us or starting fights - mostly ignoring. It makes it easier for me to see that I'm not crazy or petty and that my experiences are real.
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Old 09-11-2019, 10:03 AM
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I'm also guilty of giving WAY too much credit for tiny "favors" and the charts helped me see it. I'm practically giddy when he'd go a week without drinking. I'd be sooooooo grateful for the days he'd watch TV with us or empty the dishwasher. Like...disgustingly grateful. Why? I'm worth so much more than that and so is DSS.
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Old 09-11-2019, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Thlayli View Post
I'm also guilty of giving WAY too much credit for tiny "favors" and the charts helped me see it. I'm practically giddy when he'd go a week without drinking. I'd be sooooooo grateful for the days he'd watch TV with us or empty the dishwasher. Like...disgustingly grateful. Why? I'm worth so much more than that and so is DSS.
yes, you are worth more than that.
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Old 09-11-2019, 01:35 PM
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Thlayi, you deserve more then you are getting.
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