Misssy2

I hate this....this has happened before and YES being untrusted when you have been an alcoholic most of your life comes with the territory but it doesn't make it any less infuriating.

Earlier this week my X husband was over...talking and in the middle of conversation he asked...Are you drunk? But then immediately looked in front of me...and saw the water bottle...and said OH..I'm sorry your not....Because he KNOWS if I am drinking I can't stay away from my drink and we had been chatting for about 1/2 hour at that time...So that was an easy one...He apologized..and I brushed it off quick.

But tonight I came home from a very long day taking care of my Dad from 830 to 430 (Alzheimer's) and I went down to my sons room to ask him if he had the scissors...and he GLARED at me...and said "YOUR DRINKING"???? I got SO MAD and started yelling (defensive) NO I AM NOT ******* DRINKING!...And he said YES YOU ARE...You never come down here and you tripped..(yea on the water bottle he left in the middle of the floor and it was dark)! I said FORGET IT DERECK!!!!

He came up later on...and after some conversation with me you can usually tell if I am drinking or NOT...and I know from the look on his face and how he continued a conversation with me about the clam cakes I brought home...he no longer thought I was drunk....But it is so aggravating to be accused of drinking when you are not drinking....

In the past that kind of thing would make me want to DRINK...Tonight after it was all settled...I just laughed to myself...and said...HA! No, I am not A-holes and Thank GOD.

abgator

Good job and not letting it push you over the edge. Can't say I know the feeling. If I were accused of drinking, I was.

Misssy2

It made me FEEL like I was.....I was like...What am I missing?
LOL....
I get so mad I know that I have "fooled" them before and they don't trust me....but I'm not DRINKING....

Dee74

Hi missy - it can be hard to deal with.... but I tried to remember that for 20 years or so I WAS drunk at any opportunity - and I'd habitually lie and say I was sober.

It took a little while, but I let my actions do the talking and slowly people came to trust me again

D

abgator

That's the problem with lying about our problem in the past, swearing up and down we weren't drinking, knowing damn well we were drunk while doing so.

The whole "Boy who cried wolf" thing. I now talk to my parents every night, because I couldn't be trusted to answer honestly via text. But I owe everything to my parents and will do whatever I can to not worry them.

Misssy2

They are never going to trust me...I think it matters that I trust me....because when I had 8 years of sobriety...they didn't like that either....I was too "entuned" to what was going on and had input...LOL

Misssy2

I think you said something that struck me....you don't want to worry your parents.

I think my son is just very worried I will die from drinking.

abgator

Absolutely. We often don't express our feelings in the best way. He probably just doesn't know how to express worry and his default reaction is to accuse you or get angry. I don't think that is surprising at all, especially coming from a male. How often do you see males react that way by default? Especially if he's seen his dad do the same towards you.

On my part, I've screwed up my parents retirement. They were getting ready to retire to their mountain house up in Tennessee within the next year, but now they won't even consider leaving here until they know I'm in control. Which obviously can't be proven in a short time frame.

We've driven our loved ones nuts with worry. On one hand, it's good to know someone cares. On the other, it's a terrible feeling to know what we're doing to them (even if sober).

lessgravity

Yes, though the further I get from lying to the faces of those very people about whether I've been drinking the less it happens and the less it bothers me.

Mummyto2

Misssy2

And on top of you trying to be sober that is a heavy burden to carry that they are sticking around because they are worried about you.

However, that is their choice...its still sad...I hope you continue to do well...

Misssy2

True...last year when I had 10 months no one ever asked me if I was drinking.

Misssy2

Exactly, normal little mishaps get looked at with a magnifying glass with us...LOL....Yes fingers crossed for all of us!

Mummyto2

August252015

Yes.
And me getting infuriated just wasn't an option anymore, once I was not drinking.
It takes time to regain credibility, for people to believe we are and will stay sober, and it was my responsibility to DEMONSTRATE it all the time.
Period.

Hawkeye13

Ever time I betrayed trust my family found me less trustworthy.

Although it hurt, I think it is the sign of healthy boundaries in people, especially children.

I kept believing my mother for years every time she would say she quit drinking but she always relapsed. This certainly impacted me negatively as I internalized the ideas that you can’t even trust those who love you the most, that somehow booze was more important than me to my mother, and life isn’t a safe or happy place and adults deal with it by drinking.

I started drinking mid teens based on the above data. I wish I had just built some armor early instead of leaving myself open to terrible pain every time she drank again. Lack of boundaries made me a sad child and adult. I choose poorly in relationships trying to recreate the dynamic with my mother to somehow ”fix” it.

People say drinking only hurts them, but the hurt to family is substantial and can last a lifetime.

MLD51

Yes. My situation was a little different. When I had been sober about two years, my dad accused me of relapsing (on the phone). He lived 400 miles from me. He hadn't even seen me in person in months. He thought I relapsed because I hadn't called him in some time. I hadn't called him because every time I did, he made me feel guilty about something and I felt horribly judged by him. That behavior was nothing new on his part - what was new was that in sobriety I wasn't as willing to put up with it. I never explained any of this to him. It wouldn't have made any difference. When he said that to me, I was so angry. But I didn't say anything. Just told him no, I was still sober. That was one of the last conversations we had. He died. I regret that I let that accusation affect me as much as it did.

August252015

This is exactly why I post with a fine line between acceptance and support of PARENTS - and the harsh reality that is perfectly expressed above.

PARENTS DRINKING DEVASTATES A FAMILY. No matter what shape or form it takes and the effects last a lifetime. My mother was a dramatic tornado thru our family- with confusing as all ups and downs- and my husband and his ex-wife were the "subtle" alcoholics that his kids are just beginning to realize at 17 and 21. It won't be a one-and-done thing for them, any more than it was for me.

tomsteve

i couldnt get upset at anyone who was skeptical of my sobriety.with 23 years of the insanity of active alcoholism, there was no reason for people to believe i wasnt drinking. the way they learned and were confident that i was sober was through my actions over time.

Hodd