Help... I know I'm in trouble and can finally admit it
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 3
Help... I know I'm in trouble and can finally admit it
Hello everyone,
This is my first post. I just stumbled upon this site and after reading some of the posts I thought I would sign up in hopes that others that have been where I am can help enlighten me and provide some inspiration and help getting off this stuff.
I'm a 43 year old husband, dad and professional. I just celebrated my 18th anniversary with my most amazing wife. We have two great boys - 17 and 15 together and we have a meager but nice life. I'm quite afraid that my recent addiction to cocaine is going to ruin mine and my family's lives.
I only started using cocaine about 2 or 3 months ago (I had never tried it before and was offered some at a get-together - but it is a monster and is taking over my life. My family, nor anyone else - except you guys now lol, are aware of my problem and I want/need to stop.
The pull towards this substance is very strong and I've told myself a dozen times this is the last time...then of course it isn't.
I'm a good person, normal guy and had never been one to use any type of drug - accept alcohol socially. This seems to have a hold on me and I want and NEED to rid myself of this burden and addiction.
Unfortunately, becuase of my involvement/stature within my town/community and my professional life I will need to do this "on my own." I am a strong willed person but recognize that I will need some type of support and guidance though this while remaining "anonymous" and not allowing anyone in my circles to become aware that I'm an addict. I do recognize and accept however, the fact that it may be more difficult this way but I am determined to get off this train.
I'm wondering if there is anyone that has any advice for me as well as if there is anyone that would be willing to chat etc with guidance and support while I work my way out of this hole that I've created. I KNOW that I can do it - but would like some support even if it's just over the internet from people like you that can understand what it's like.
Thanks so much in advance! You're help, words of wisdom, advice and support are very much appreciated!
Jim
This is my first post. I just stumbled upon this site and after reading some of the posts I thought I would sign up in hopes that others that have been where I am can help enlighten me and provide some inspiration and help getting off this stuff.
I'm a 43 year old husband, dad and professional. I just celebrated my 18th anniversary with my most amazing wife. We have two great boys - 17 and 15 together and we have a meager but nice life. I'm quite afraid that my recent addiction to cocaine is going to ruin mine and my family's lives.
I only started using cocaine about 2 or 3 months ago (I had never tried it before and was offered some at a get-together - but it is a monster and is taking over my life. My family, nor anyone else - except you guys now lol, are aware of my problem and I want/need to stop.
The pull towards this substance is very strong and I've told myself a dozen times this is the last time...then of course it isn't.
I'm a good person, normal guy and had never been one to use any type of drug - accept alcohol socially. This seems to have a hold on me and I want and NEED to rid myself of this burden and addiction.
Unfortunately, becuase of my involvement/stature within my town/community and my professional life I will need to do this "on my own." I am a strong willed person but recognize that I will need some type of support and guidance though this while remaining "anonymous" and not allowing anyone in my circles to become aware that I'm an addict. I do recognize and accept however, the fact that it may be more difficult this way but I am determined to get off this train.
I'm wondering if there is anyone that has any advice for me as well as if there is anyone that would be willing to chat etc with guidance and support while I work my way out of this hole that I've created. I KNOW that I can do it - but would like some support even if it's just over the internet from people like you that can understand what it's like.
Thanks so much in advance! You're help, words of wisdom, advice and support are very much appreciated!
Jim
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
The first thing I would do in your situation is to dump any coke I had left down the toilet and to erase my dealer's phone number from my phone.
How often have you been using during the past few months? The good news is withdrawal should be relatively mild if you commit to stopping right now. DO NOT wait until later after you've destroyed your life and become physically addicted.
How often have you been using during the past few months? The good news is withdrawal should be relatively mild if you commit to stopping right now. DO NOT wait until later after you've destroyed your life and become physically addicted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
First of all welcome. Although I can't relate as to your substance of choice, I'm about your age, a father and I used this site, among other tools, to get myself over my addiction to alcohol. I can't speak to other methods but using this site and some of the avrt and rational recovery methods extremely helpful. It sounds like you're a rational person who wants to do the right thing. You need to find a way to leverage everything that you might lose in order to overcome the feelings and cravings you have towards your drug of choice. Explore this site and I'm sure you're going to get better advice that relates to your specific addiction. Once again welcome and congratulations for trying to right your ship before something goes irrevocably wrong.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 3
WeThinkNot - Thanks for the quick response. I've been using it more and more over the couple months. I can actually use a gram or more in one day if I have it. I will go a couple/few days without it (usually because of lack of money) then get more once I have some money...
It's funny I always knew that this stuff was "bad" of course. I come from a good family parents never used anything at all (other than social drinkers) and was never even around these types of drugs. I had literally never even seen the stuff up until a couple months ago.
I don't actually have any right now so that's a good thing. The "dealer" is an in-law (My wife is not aware of his use/dealing either) and I won't be able to just "erase his number" - I will also say that this is my own fault - he DIDN'T push it on my and I just thought "I'd give it a shot..." -
Like I said I've always known that it's "bad" but truly didn't realize the power and speed at which I would find myself in a situation like this otherwise, of course , I never would have tried it - it all...
Jim
It's funny I always knew that this stuff was "bad" of course. I come from a good family parents never used anything at all (other than social drinkers) and was never even around these types of drugs. I had literally never even seen the stuff up until a couple months ago.
I don't actually have any right now so that's a good thing. The "dealer" is an in-law (My wife is not aware of his use/dealing either) and I won't be able to just "erase his number" - I will also say that this is my own fault - he DIDN'T push it on my and I just thought "I'd give it a shot..." -
Like I said I've always known that it's "bad" but truly didn't realize the power and speed at which I would find myself in a situation like this otherwise, of course , I never would have tried it - it all...
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 3
@lessgravity,
Thanks for the advice - You're 100% right. Thinking about what I can lose is what has actually brought me here. I think I need to focus on what I have and what I'm at risk of losing... Of course logically I realize that it's certainly not worth it - but the pull drives me without any logic at all.
Need to focus on the life I have and realize that of course this is far more important than satisfying a craving.
Thanks for the advice - You're 100% right. Thinking about what I can lose is what has actually brought me here. I think I need to focus on what I have and what I'm at risk of losing... Of course logically I realize that it's certainly not worth it - but the pull drives me without any logic at all.
Need to focus on the life I have and realize that of course this is far more important than satisfying a craving.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome and I'm glad you posted.
Many of us have found a great deal of support from the members of this website. We do understand how you feel. I'm glad you've decided to stop. Addiction is very sneaky and I can guarantee you that not one of us here sat down one day and decided to become an alcoholic or drug addict.
My suggestion would be to make a plan for the times when you would pick up the phone to get more cocaine. What will you do instead? Exercising is often helpful, going for a long walk, listening to music, calling a friend, anything that will distract you from your thoughts for even a few moments. Each day you get through will make you stronger.
Many of us have found a great deal of support from the members of this website. We do understand how you feel. I'm glad you've decided to stop. Addiction is very sneaky and I can guarantee you that not one of us here sat down one day and decided to become an alcoholic or drug addict.
My suggestion would be to make a plan for the times when you would pick up the phone to get more cocaine. What will you do instead? Exercising is often helpful, going for a long walk, listening to music, calling a friend, anything that will distract you from your thoughts for even a few moments. Each day you get through will make you stronger.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
"The drive pulls me without any logic at all."
Yes - when I realized my drinking had gone beyond any logic whatsoever, and when the negative consequences had gotten to the point that it was nearly unbearable, I finally began to be ready to quit. Note I say "began to be ready." The nature of addiction is that even when we realize that what we are doing is bad, illogical, dangerous, etc., the addicted part of our brains hijacks our good intentions. That voice in our heads (many of us call it the AV, for alcoholic or addict voice) tells us lies, and can be quite convincing at times.
So even while I was beginning to be ready, I continued listening to that voice. I found I had very little power to resist it on my own, until I got help. For me, that help was treatment, AA, this site, lots of books on alcoholism. Most people who are truly addicted cannot quit completely on their own. If you really can't do anything other than online support, take full advantage of the resources out there. Do research on the various recovery programs - many of them have online meetings. Stick around here, too. Lots of great folks here who are ready and willing to pass on "experience, strength, and hope."
Yes - when I realized my drinking had gone beyond any logic whatsoever, and when the negative consequences had gotten to the point that it was nearly unbearable, I finally began to be ready to quit. Note I say "began to be ready." The nature of addiction is that even when we realize that what we are doing is bad, illogical, dangerous, etc., the addicted part of our brains hijacks our good intentions. That voice in our heads (many of us call it the AV, for alcoholic or addict voice) tells us lies, and can be quite convincing at times.
So even while I was beginning to be ready, I continued listening to that voice. I found I had very little power to resist it on my own, until I got help. For me, that help was treatment, AA, this site, lots of books on alcoholism. Most people who are truly addicted cannot quit completely on their own. If you really can't do anything other than online support, take full advantage of the resources out there. Do research on the various recovery programs - many of them have online meetings. Stick around here, too. Lots of great folks here who are ready and willing to pass on "experience, strength, and hope."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
I’m 43, a father, a professional, and I’ve had my struggles with coke.
I don’t think it’s too wise to leave your wife out of this nor to try to “do it on your own”, but if those are your ground rules so be it.
First I would talk to your plug (dealer) and tell him that it is getting away from you and that he should refuse to sell to you in the future no matter what. Second, plan to post here EVERY SINGLE DAY. We have all been through this and we can help. Third, if I were you I would look up a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in your area. The important word here is ANONYMOUS. No one will tell anyone that you were there. And the people in those rooms can help.
Some things you can do for yourself; exercise, treat yourself with foods (sweets if you like them, steak if you prefer), get active. Take your wife out to dinner, romance her - get your highs elsewhere. Get involved in a hobby you enjoy.
One thing that that really helps me is audio books. Russell Brand’s recovery Book was phenomenal.
If you’ve only been using for a few months, you’re not in that bad of a spot. Trying to quit is hard. But it’s much harder without help. So look for opportunities to get help.
I don’t think it’s too wise to leave your wife out of this nor to try to “do it on your own”, but if those are your ground rules so be it.
First I would talk to your plug (dealer) and tell him that it is getting away from you and that he should refuse to sell to you in the future no matter what. Second, plan to post here EVERY SINGLE DAY. We have all been through this and we can help. Third, if I were you I would look up a Narcotics Anonymous meeting in your area. The important word here is ANONYMOUS. No one will tell anyone that you were there. And the people in those rooms can help.
Some things you can do for yourself; exercise, treat yourself with foods (sweets if you like them, steak if you prefer), get active. Take your wife out to dinner, romance her - get your highs elsewhere. Get involved in a hobby you enjoy.
One thing that that really helps me is audio books. Russell Brand’s recovery Book was phenomenal.
If you’ve only been using for a few months, you’re not in that bad of a spot. Trying to quit is hard. But it’s much harder without help. So look for opportunities to get help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Hi Jim,
The great news is that you've realized this is a problem really early in the game. If you commit to quitting now you can walk away with minimal fallout.
I understand your desire for anonymity in a situation like this. There is a substance abuse forum on the main page, perhaps you can reach out to people there who have overcome cocaine addiction (the newcomers section mainly deals with alcohol addiction). The fact that a family member is your dealer is unfortunate but at least he's not pushing it on you.
I want to impart on you that you can still walk away relatively unscathed. If you don't things will get much worse for you. Use whatever resources are available.
The great news is that you've realized this is a problem really early in the game. If you commit to quitting now you can walk away with minimal fallout.
I understand your desire for anonymity in a situation like this. There is a substance abuse forum on the main page, perhaps you can reach out to people there who have overcome cocaine addiction (the newcomers section mainly deals with alcohol addiction). The fact that a family member is your dealer is unfortunate but at least he's not pushing it on you.
I want to impart on you that you can still walk away relatively unscathed. If you don't things will get much worse for you. Use whatever resources are available.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome. You may post in any forum you like.
I agree with the others. You're catching your problem relatively early on. So that's good. What's bad is it gets worse. Much like the alcoholic.
Maybe, after a certain amount of time, you decide snorting it isn't enough. So You try smoking it, if you're not already that is.
Then after a certain amount of time you decide that's not quiet a good enough buzz, so you try injecting it.
Then, after a certain amount of time, you're spending as much as you make on cocaine.
Then the secret comes out. It'd be pretty hard to hide by now. And the wife and the kids leave, or kick you out. And you continue to use anyway you can since the job is gone.
Sound melodramatic? I've got four friends it happened to. They tried to drag me down with them, but even my alcoholic pea brain knew that was trouble.
And don't think it can happen to You? Keep on using, that's the only real test.
That is besides stopping now. You're early on.
And doing the same amount of cocaine as you usually do can kill you graveyard dead.
You're dealing with a beast. I lived through the crack epidemic. I saw first hand what cocaine did to people. Bad. Very bad.
You're playing Russian roulette with your life.
Stop now. Do whatever it take, even breaking your anonymity because as it progresses, and it will, it'll be broken for you. Then you'll be 'that guy. The coke addict'
Cocaine is a very dangerous mistress. I've seen the carnage first hand.
I really hope you decide to quit now. Trust me, all I've mentioned can happen to you.
I agree with the others. You're catching your problem relatively early on. So that's good. What's bad is it gets worse. Much like the alcoholic.
Maybe, after a certain amount of time, you decide snorting it isn't enough. So You try smoking it, if you're not already that is.
Then after a certain amount of time you decide that's not quiet a good enough buzz, so you try injecting it.
Then, after a certain amount of time, you're spending as much as you make on cocaine.
Then the secret comes out. It'd be pretty hard to hide by now. And the wife and the kids leave, or kick you out. And you continue to use anyway you can since the job is gone.
Sound melodramatic? I've got four friends it happened to. They tried to drag me down with them, but even my alcoholic pea brain knew that was trouble.
And don't think it can happen to You? Keep on using, that's the only real test.
That is besides stopping now. You're early on.
And doing the same amount of cocaine as you usually do can kill you graveyard dead.
You're dealing with a beast. I lived through the crack epidemic. I saw first hand what cocaine did to people. Bad. Very bad.
You're playing Russian roulette with your life.
Stop now. Do whatever it take, even breaking your anonymity because as it progresses, and it will, it'll be broken for you. Then you'll be 'that guy. The coke addict'
Cocaine is a very dangerous mistress. I've seen the carnage first hand.
I really hope you decide to quit now. Trust me, all I've mentioned can happen to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
I would also say that you are more than welcome to post on this forum, or any forum you like. The Newcomers Forum is for all newcomers and is the busiest forum on the board so you will get lots of support here.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Jim,
I'm glad you recognize that you're on a very slippery slope and have decided to join us here. There are lots of folks who want to help you to overcome your problem, and you're sure to get plenty of varying feedback and suggestions.
For my part, I agree that your wife should be in on this. Not to police you in any way (please, no), but to be a support to you, and also just to know what's going on in your life. Hiding this exposes you to the possibility that she will find out before you tell her. Some crazy accidental way or some inadvertent slip from your in-law to someone (who then tells the next person, etc) might do the trick. Any which way it might happen, it would be exponentially worse - more hurtful to her and more shameful for you (I think) -than if you tell her yourself.
I'm biased because I've been a wife/partner to men who have outright lied to me, but also lied by omission. It was really the early death knell for those relationships because if I can't trust my partner, who can I trust? And in turn, I've also lived out the reality that "you're only as sick as your secrets." I was one sick person for sure. I've tried for years to handle my problem basically "on my own," with some success but mostly with failure. And through a stupid mistake, my daughter found out I had been drinking again. (I hadn't told her - I was "handling it" at that point.) And she literally did say, "If you can't trust your own parent, who can you trust?"
So. If you're for sure you're done and this will never be an issue for you again, perhaps none of that matters. And I think some people have done that. It's not up to me to decide what's best for you; I just wanted to share some of my perspective.
And I sure hope I don't sound preachy!
O
I'm glad you recognize that you're on a very slippery slope and have decided to join us here. There are lots of folks who want to help you to overcome your problem, and you're sure to get plenty of varying feedback and suggestions.
For my part, I agree that your wife should be in on this. Not to police you in any way (please, no), but to be a support to you, and also just to know what's going on in your life. Hiding this exposes you to the possibility that she will find out before you tell her. Some crazy accidental way or some inadvertent slip from your in-law to someone (who then tells the next person, etc) might do the trick. Any which way it might happen, it would be exponentially worse - more hurtful to her and more shameful for you (I think) -than if you tell her yourself.
I'm biased because I've been a wife/partner to men who have outright lied to me, but also lied by omission. It was really the early death knell for those relationships because if I can't trust my partner, who can I trust? And in turn, I've also lived out the reality that "you're only as sick as your secrets." I was one sick person for sure. I've tried for years to handle my problem basically "on my own," with some success but mostly with failure. And through a stupid mistake, my daughter found out I had been drinking again. (I hadn't told her - I was "handling it" at that point.) And she literally did say, "If you can't trust your own parent, who can you trust?"
So. If you're for sure you're done and this will never be an issue for you again, perhaps none of that matters. And I think some people have done that. It's not up to me to decide what's best for you; I just wanted to share some of my perspective.
And I sure hope I don't sound preachy!
O
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi and welcome Hotshot 
Like Anna says you are very welcome here. We may not all share the same drugs of choice but there's commonalities with all addictions.
My drugs were booze and weed but I remember the disgust I felt, the inability to look at myself in the mirror, the fear I'd die this way...
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same
D
Originally Posted by Anna 
I would also say that you are more than welcome to post on this forum, or any forum you like. The Newcomers Forum is for all newcomers and is the busiest forum on the board so you will get lots of support here.
My drugs were booze and weed but I remember the disgust I felt, the inability to look at myself in the mirror, the fear I'd die this way...
SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same
D
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Originally Posted by hotshot79
@lessgravity,
Thanks for the advice - You're 100% right. Thinking about what I can lose is what has actually brought me here. I think I need to focus on what I have and what I'm at risk of losing... Of course logically I realize that it's certainly not worth it - but the pull drives me without any logic at all.
Need to focus on the life I have and realize that of course this is far more important than satisfying a craving.
Thanks for the advice - You're 100% right. Thinking about what I can lose is what has actually brought me here. I think I need to focus on what I have and what I'm at risk of losing... Of course logically I realize that it's certainly not worth it - but the pull drives me without any logic at all.
Need to focus on the life I have and realize that of course this is far more important than satisfying a craving.
Yes, check out AVRT by Rational Recovery. Thinking about what you can lose and knowing that what you are doing is completely WRONG for yourself is what will get you and got me (and everyone else with an addiction) start to solve the problem.
But to end the problem by yourself, you must take advantage of that “strong will”. You must ultimately decide to suffer all the consequences of foregoing that absolutely wonderful deep pleasure you get from cocaine FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE - yes, FOREVER. You will never feel that experience again. AVRT teaches people how to do this simply and as easily as I know possible.
Yes, you can end your addiction at this very moment by committing to the pledge of permanent abstinence and separating yourself from that powerful force of appetite for cocaine. Call that appetite something else. Do not call it yourself. This separation is the essence of AVRT. AVRT is a users manual for an addicted brain. You are not sick or diseased. You have become trapped by a powerful easily repeatable assault of pleasure.
Three years ago I felt the deep seduction of the high from hydrocodone when a prescription ran out. I was amazed at its strength over some strong emotions including sadness and anger. But I knew AVRT and ended its force quickly.
There is a big difference between “support” and “guidance”, both of which you ask for. AVRT provides ONLY guidance.
You can do this too. All by yourself.
GT
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