Starsabove32

I have a HUGE crush on a barman.... Much older than me... And married. I have had it for years... And recently it has become stronger and more annoying (not really, but you know how crushes are)... Now my drinking is not mad excessive, and despite several bars around and the availability of carryouts- I don't bother with them. I just like this one bar because I know everyone, the banter is good etc etc....

Now I'm 23 days booze free again but this crush is driving me mad... I just want to see him all the time. Is it an old coping mechanism? I should point out he is married and the chances of anything happening are slim to zero.... It's just a fantasy.... Turned obsession... The main problem being it's connection to unhealthy coping mechanisms, he's married, and he works with booze.... I KNOW the logical thing is to run a mile, I know it is wrong, I know everything like that, and yet I still feel so strongly. Anyone want to weigh in with something more helpful than its wrong?

Cheers

entropy1964

Um ok let's see:

HE'S MARRIED. There is no grey area here girlfriend. That is another woman's husband and until he's not he is off limits.

You are in 23 days sober. Keep your panties on. Focus on staying clean. Emotional maturity. Fearless honesty. And walk a path of 'goodness'. A no harm philosophy to yourself and others.

You are transferring your addiction pure and simple. Find something to focus on ....a new hobby, AA, a spiritual pursuit, helping others.

Don't hurt people. It's mean. And being mean will make you feel bad about yourself. And feeling bad about yourself is quick path to drinking again.

To feel good you have to do good.

Anna

I think, with addiction, we aim to push down the negative feelings and hurt that we have in our lives. Your crush on this married man sounds like another way to tune out your feelings. This is another way to fill the emptiness within you from the outside, which you can't do.

I hope you decide to step away from this man because he is married and because he works in a bar. Take pride in your 23 days of sobriety. Allow those good feelings to fill you. Focus on continuing with your sobriety. I suspect, that once you get to know your sober self and to like your sober self, the right guy will come alone.

Starsabove32

Thanks guys 😁 both very valid. I did identify loneliness/fear of another awful relationship as a major factor that probably contributes to the crush. It seems safe because nothing will ever happen but at the same time a little soul destroying for me because it's very much a distraction tactic. I'm making a real effort to try and deal with those feelings. I might add I've been sober for much longer before, and thought I had worked through emotional things... But I guess this one is something I wasn't ready to deal with at the time. Fear.

AnvilheadII

switch out bartender for drug dealer.
in therapy they call it transference when the patient "falls in love" with the therapist.
it's all about getting that fix. with your "drug dealer" you get to feel good about buying what he sells and consuming it. you pay him for it! and then tip him to boot!

then there is the MARRIED part. that's a non-starter. PERIOD.

stay sober, get INVOLVED in your recovery. stick with your own gender.

boreas

Stars,

Wise words here so far, so I won’t repeat. I will say that in addition to being a distraction, unhealthy relationships might be one of the issues you need to confront to maintain sobriety. For me, I would choose partners with a fatal flaw, invest myself in the relationship, and then drink because I was unfulfilled, lonely, etc. I’ve had to take a look at why I put myself in these dead end situations, and I’m still figuring it out.

If you are anything like me, taking an objective look at why you’re so attracted to someone unavailable might take some of the power out of the obsession. I’ve found Nathalie Lue’s blog “Baggage Reclaim” very helpful in taking a hard look at my bad choices.
-bora

Dee74

Hi starsabove

There's no future in a relationship with a married barman for you. I think you know that too

I used to be ruled by crushes too - I agree its the same kind of mania, the same kind of giddy headedness that fed my addiction...the idea that something or someone external to me can fix me, or at least make me feel good..

Alcoholics trying to quit really have no business hanging around in bars - kill two birds with one stone, quit the bar and the guy and focus on your recovery instead.

Work in yourself, get sober and stay that way and when Mr Right (rather than Mr Right now) comes along you might be ready for him?

D

ColoradoRocky

This is why in AA we would tell single people: No relationships in the first year.

Aside from that, I don't get the part about "...my drinking is not mad excessive...I just like this one bar because I know everyone..."

Starsabove32

I don't know... I guess I meant drink doesn't appeal to me anywhere else. Be it at home or the town I live in which has three bars, which I never bother with. I go more for the social aspect than the drink itself.... But I know myself it's not a healthy environment to socialise in

Dee74

Yeah there were times in my life I managed to drinking only in certain places or with certain people...for a while, anyway.

Its like the animal trainer who thinks he's tamed the tiger, IMO.

With the damage my drinking did, any level of drinking would be 'mad excessive'...and sooner or later the world would know it too.

D

Zanna

I think when it gets to the point of seeking out and joining a recovery forum, then our drinking is/was mad obsessive We didn't just wake up one morning and think it would be a fun place to join x

BeABetterMan

He’s new and fancy and shiny. Spend 10 years with him, share a bathroom, have bills and stress. See if he’s so shiny then. It’s pretty easy to be charming with someone who pays you to be charming. Throw in the fact that she gets progressively more drunk (and therefore relaxed and uninhibited) and yeah, I bet he’s pretty snazzy. I mean you realize you’re paying him to be nice to you right? Have some self respect for yourself and respect for his wife and step away from the bar and the man. I will give you credit, you’re coming here to avoid making a mistake. But once you crossover into the home wrecker phase, you won’t get much love from me.

SoberCAH

Having an affair with a married person is not a part of AA.

The results are usually awful.

I wouldn't touch this married guy if I were you.

At 23 days sober, I was still in the treatment center.

You may be going through PAWS.

I would spend my time and energy focusing on doing what is necessary for me to stay sober - not chasing members or the same or opposite sex.

HTown

I agree at considering at what makes an emotionally unavailable person attractive to you. Perhaps you need to deal with some family of origin issues. Who does he represent and why is he the shape of the hole in you. What role is he filling?

Let this one go. So very painful to chose a married man. Drop the drama.