NicLin

Well, it happened.

I hit a wall this week, with the hurricane and all of the "throwing off" of my new routine, I was starting to feel worse and worse emotionally and mentally.

I noticed that I had stopped sharing at my meetings, would leave right after and hadn't seen my sponsor, was sleeping every moment I had...etc. Basically isolating, which is what I would do when I drank.

Not a good headspace to be in. Everything has been going so well, I have a new job, my sobriety and my new AA friends who are like family. Family is happy and everything is running smoothly for me in sobriety. Some stressors are: I am moving, started this new job, am newly sober and was sick a few days, meaning so workouts (which keep me sane).

I am also exhibiting my "extremist" ways while sober, which include OVER PRAYING (that is actually a thing), OVER MEDITATING and simply doing way too much in my morning and nighttime rituals for recovery. Bloody hell, I try to do this sobriety thing right and end up doing it "alcoholically!"

But this is who I am, I over do things to compensate for "feeling feelings", which I have started going through. I cry for anything and lost it today and last night at a meeting.

I was able to spend time with my sponsor today and get told to whittle down the recovery stuff to basics and focus on working the steps, that is where the magic happens. I believe it, my proof is everything working alright in my world but I still felt empty. I know that I need to do the work.

I also got numerous calls from my friends, and family checking in on me. I am learning to yell HELP when I need it. I even had a session with my ex-husband who genuinely wants to see me succeed at this.

I am healing little by little and just by being able to see my defects and know that I need to be trusting, open and willing is a HUGE step for me. Communicating is a HUGE step for me!

So I will keep trucking along, simplifying my life, being gentle with myself and trusting the process. It is going to work for me, this is just a first bump in the road.

Goodnight

Nic

Dee74

A hurricane is pretty big thing to deal with so I'm not surprised it messed with your pink cloud a little.

I actually never had a pink cloud so I'm proof you can still stay sober when things get 'real'

you're doing great NicLin

D

AAPJ

Good morning Nic.

Thanks for the post. Over praying, over meditating, I get it. Many of us do whatever we do to the extreme. It's how we are wired. It is why for me I have to be careful with so many behaviors in all aspects of my life. At least over meditating will not destroy your health like alcohol can.

The weather hurricane will be gone soon. It's my self made hurricanes (and tornados) that I need to be more concerned with.

I hope your day gets better.

boreas

NicLin,
I have learned in sobriety that I maintain several of the “traits” that were part of my drinking days. Turns out, some of them are self-soothing behaviors and were not part and parcel of the negative habits I needed to break.

I am extremely introverted by nature. My jobs have always been very social. By the end of the day, my cup is empty and the idea of additional socializing is almost painful. I used to isolate with wine, now I go for a solo run. It is the answer that works for me, and my quiet time is no longer unhealthy when the alcohol is removed. I am now a sober introvert.

We all need people to some extent. I am not part of AA, but know of the program and think it is wonderful for many. It sounds like you have many things going well, and the “firsts” of the first year, (holidays, sickness, storms, etc.) will make you stronger with each one that you pass through sober. I just wanted to say that sobriety doesn’t change our basic nature, and some of the behaviors you consider “alcoholic” may just be a par of the NicLin package once disconnected from drinking.
-bora

SoberRican

Good morning . ues I can relate with some of the things you mentioned not all are bad tho. In my case as long as im not boozing I am good. Can deal with issues. ✌

tomsteve

always good to have a pink parachute for when life on lifes terms hits and the pink cloud bursts.
nothing wrong with having a pink cloud experience. its best to remember that, as with tough times
this,too shall pass.

But this is who I am, I over do things to compensate for "feeling feelings", which I have started going through.

who you are or character defects ya have?
what step are ya on?

DriGuy

You can overdo things, even good things, so I get it. That pink cloud is still there waiting for you to get back on, although next time it might feel more like a soft cushion, rather than a flying carpet. Recovery is about not drinking, and not everything that happens when you are sober has to be fun. That's not the way reality works, but in the midst of your current turmoil, give yourself credit and be grateful for your sobriety. Much of that other stuff is beyond your control, but your sobriety is under YOUR control, so experience that pleasure while you do battle with life's demons.

Another thing to keep in mind is that our problems are seldom as big or as important as we make them out to be. At least this was often true for me. I don't know why we tend to magnify our troubles as we do. Those things you you can't control can be relegated to the dumpster.

ColoradoRocky

You're right on track.

There used to be a saying in AA, "The good news is I'm getting my feelings back; the bad news is I'm getting my feelings back!"

entropy1964

Hurricanes are scary. I lived in Hawaii during Iniki and yeah, it was scary. Now I didn't live on Kauai so I didn't have a terrible experience, like they have had in the Bahamas...just unbelievable. But its still scary. I lived in Cali during 2 very large earthquakes....they are different in that there is no 'warning' which in a way is good. But the aftermath, and the literally thousands of aftershocks are about the most anxiety inducing natural event I could imagine. After Loma Prieta the whole Bay Area was on edge. So yeah. Scary. And isn't it a bit of a 'thing' to buy lots of booze and hunker down? That's what I've seen but I don't know personally. So if that's at all accurate then you are habituated to feel 'off' with respect to your recovery.

And you've been sober about 6 weeks, is that right?

It is so weird for me, to just feel my feelings. Remembering that they are 'just' feelings...not a speeding train or rabid dog. They can't kill me, but boy they can hurt...and that makes me sort of naturally 'afraid' of them. Sometimes, and this may seem weird, I'll just go somewhere quiet, close my eyes, lie down on my bed, and just feel. Let them happen. Let them wash over me. I don't have to understand them exactly, but I can just feel them.

Hang in there. Alcohol won't help so may as well ride it out sober.

PhoenixJ

Great share Nic. Daily support and talking to humans is vital to me- as I overthink, isolate and then the crazy thought start. Going to meetings etc (nd I said this recently elsewhere) help me recharge my recovery batteries. Unfortunately- having 'x' amount of time sober does not mean I get to take it easy- one cannot save up recovery days like money in the bank, I will always have to reorient- remember and recharge.

Support to you.

SoberCAH

Thanks for bringing up this topic.

To me, as a fellow recovering alcoholic and AA member, it sure sounds like you are doing the right things to get and stay sober.

You're just not feeling good.

I would stress that working on the 12 steps was a ticket to feeling better for me.

I still do it.

You have my empathy for "trying to reason with the hurricane season" as Jimmy Buffett would say.

My feelings have always behaved on a non-linear basis.

But I try to ensure that what I am doing stays reasonably static.

Congrats on your sobriety and your hard work in the AA program.

I'll bet you start feeling better soon if you continue to do the right things.

WaterOx

I’ve had a pink cloud not only once, but twice. I’m halfway convinced that the main reason I relapse is so I can have it again. I’m aware how crazy that sounds but I think at root we have a problem with things going too smoothly.