Ever been with someone who refused to admit alcoholism?
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Ever been with someone who refused to admit alcoholism?
I've been broken up now for a little over a week from my xAGF (hope I did that right.)
Each day has its difficult moments but one thing that baffles me more than just about anything, was her refusal to ever admit that she's an alcoholic. I've read a lot of your stories and it seems like a lot of people may deny it at first but eventually come to terms that there's at least an issue.
She averaged 3-5 drinks on a casual day to drinking until passing out on bad days. She drank until passing out at pretty much ever social event or night out. There were maybe 2-4 days a month where she wouldn't drink at all. Besides the volume of alcohol, she clearly had a dependance to it. She literally could not wait between drinks if one was about to finish. This somehow never struck her as a problem.
Has anyone else ever been with someone that never admitted to having a problem?
Each day has its difficult moments but one thing that baffles me more than just about anything, was her refusal to ever admit that she's an alcoholic. I've read a lot of your stories and it seems like a lot of people may deny it at first but eventually come to terms that there's at least an issue.
She averaged 3-5 drinks on a casual day to drinking until passing out on bad days. She drank until passing out at pretty much ever social event or night out. There were maybe 2-4 days a month where she wouldn't drink at all. Besides the volume of alcohol, she clearly had a dependance to it. She literally could not wait between drinks if one was about to finish. This somehow never struck her as a problem.
Has anyone else ever been with someone that never admitted to having a problem?
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Has anyone else ever been with someone that never admitted to having a problem?
jjwinters - Every alcoholic in my life has denied their drinking problem, vociferously!
After a few years of living recovery, my father, and one of my dear friends, chose to talk about it with me, and chose to name it alcoholism.
Peace,
B.
jjwinters - Every alcoholic in my life has denied their drinking problem, vociferously!
After a few years of living recovery, my father, and one of my dear friends, chose to talk about it with me, and chose to name it alcoholism.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Apr 2019
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Of course.... because admitting it would mean they, do in fact... have a huge problem with alcohol. But then, they later acknowledge it (just to get you off their backs) BUT things still.... never ever change.
Sorry, my friend.
Sorry, my friend.
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Join Date: May 2018
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EXAH wrote very long letter to the courts about how he was the victim of alcoholic abuse.. Blah blah. Mentioned a few incidents I didn't even know about.... Now he recounts it all. You'd get whiplash trying to keep up. Denies he has a disease.. Seems to think everything is in the past. This time it'll be different. He's just found somebody who's bar is so low she'll accept an aggressive alcoholic. Denial is the best defence.. He can't deny his DUIs, Asbos.. He just has a selective memory. Unfortunately the one person who needs convincing Is the alcoholic.. Everybody else can see it, smell it.. Feel it.
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We were only together 1.5 years so it makes sense that she's still in the denial phase. However, it felt more like 5 years.
She never tried to hide her drinking. Any time she came over, she brought a couple of bottles of wine if she knew I didn't have anything. Any time we went somewhere and had a bit of extra time, she would try to stop somewhere and have a drink. Even if we only had 5-10 minutes! It was obnoxious.
And yet... I am still struggling every day not to reach out. I miss the good part of her. I have to remind myself that she is ALL of those parts, good and bad.
Something unrelated I have to get off my chest.. I wish I had come up with a better name than jjwinters. It was completely random. I sound like a bad college professor who is pretending to work on a novel.
She never tried to hide her drinking. Any time she came over, she brought a couple of bottles of wine if she knew I didn't have anything. Any time we went somewhere and had a bit of extra time, she would try to stop somewhere and have a drink. Even if we only had 5-10 minutes! It was obnoxious.
And yet... I am still struggling every day not to reach out. I miss the good part of her. I have to remind myself that she is ALL of those parts, good and bad.
Something unrelated I have to get off my chest.. I wish I had come up with a better name than jjwinters. It was completely random. I sound like a bad college professor who is pretending to work on a novel.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters 
Something unrelated I have to get off my chest.. I wish I had come up with a better name than jjwinters. It was completely random. I sound like a bad college professor who is pretending to work on a novel.
You can have it changed by the way if you want, just message Anna:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o=newpm&u=6203
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jj...I was married to an alcoholic 20+ years. He wouldn't admit he was an alcoholic. Instead, he said he had severe back pain and that's why he drank so much, but never because he was an alcoholic. Things caught up with him, and me, and he did go to rehab, but only because he was faced with losing his family and his job. When he got out, within 6 mo. or less, he was back to drinking. It was all an effort of appeasing family and bosses, but not for the purpose of true recovery.
My point in telling you this is that in between all of the ugly drinking we had children. Please know, no matter what, you don't want to raise children in an environment where a parent is actively drinking (assuming you want to raise a family). The drinking will only get worse when left untreated and the family suffers - and that's putting things mildly. The amount of suffering and damage children experience can't be taken back. Not to mention the example set that some of the children may follow either by becoming alcoholics themselves (as two of my four chose) or by marrying into the same dysfunction (as I have done). It's a terrible cycle I would never wish on anyone.
Protect yourself and your future children (if you're wanting a family) as best you can. You'll never regret it, but living with active alcoholism in all of its glorious multifaceted dysfunction will forever be full of regrets and pain for you and future children.
My point in telling you this is that in between all of the ugly drinking we had children. Please know, no matter what, you don't want to raise children in an environment where a parent is actively drinking (assuming you want to raise a family). The drinking will only get worse when left untreated and the family suffers - and that's putting things mildly. The amount of suffering and damage children experience can't be taken back. Not to mention the example set that some of the children may follow either by becoming alcoholics themselves (as two of my four chose) or by marrying into the same dysfunction (as I have done). It's a terrible cycle I would never wish on anyone.
Protect yourself and your future children (if you're wanting a family) as best you can. You'll never regret it, but living with active alcoholism in all of its glorious multifaceted dysfunction will forever be full of regrets and pain for you and future children.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
Something unrelated I have to get off my chest.. I wish I had come up with a better name than jjwinters. It was completely random. I sound like a bad college professor who is pretending to work on a novel.
No contact with my XABF for a long time. It was crucial for me to stay away from him and boy oh boy was it tough. Just keep getting through the days as best you can; each day you are closer to healing.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
Has anyone else ever been with someone that never admitted to having a problem?
I dated other alcoholics and they weren't about to admit they had a problem either.
The important thing is that YOU saw that she had a problem and got out of there. No one can make us get sober. Until we accept that we have a problem we will deny it. Vociferously. Endlessly. And sometimes we even fool ourselves.
I'm glad you got away. I hope things get better for you.
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Originally Posted by Bethany57
Just curious...did you ever try to reach out to her in a way in a non confrontational way and ask her about how much she drank? I would think deep down she has to know she has a problem.
She even thought her brother was no longer "fun to be around" because he quit drinking. He's bipolar and his drinking was getting him in a lot of trouble with work and his marriage. But instead of caring about his wellbeing, she only cared that she couldn't go out and get hammered with him any more.
I went out with a friend of mine last night and we grabbed dinner and a drink after. It was nice to do but I still felt like I was doing something wrong the whole time. She made sure that I never had a good time without her and that trauma lingers.
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My AH was sober for the first 25+ years of our marriage after being a drug addict (cocaine) for a long time. He had his first beer when he was five, given to him by his beloved (!) grandfather, tried cocaine when he was 16. He had a nightmare of a childhood. But when I met him he was stone-cold sober and working recovery. He was a beautiful person. When he turned to alcohol, he says he was full of shame about it so, as per usual, lied about it. "Not me, I wouldn't do that...you know my history. Never, ever. No, no, no, a thousand times no."
My AH took a very long time to admit he had become an alcoholic. Sadly now he readily admits it and uses it almost as an excuse to get drunk ("I'm an alcoholic -- of course, I'm going to get drunk. That's what alcoholics do"). At the moment he is sitting down in the basement getting smashed. What a lovely day for us both...not.
You know what the really awful part is? When your partner says when you walk in the door, first thing out of their mouth, "I'm not drunk," as he can't even stand up straight. Yeah, right. Welcome home, honey. (do I sound angry?)
I'm glad you got out. It's only a matter of time before I do the same. :0(
My AH took a very long time to admit he had become an alcoholic. Sadly now he readily admits it and uses it almost as an excuse to get drunk ("I'm an alcoholic -- of course, I'm going to get drunk. That's what alcoholics do"). At the moment he is sitting down in the basement getting smashed. What a lovely day for us both...not.
You know what the really awful part is? When your partner says when you walk in the door, first thing out of their mouth, "I'm not drunk," as he can't even stand up straight. Yeah, right. Welcome home, honey. (do I sound angry?)
I'm glad you got out. It's only a matter of time before I do the same. :0(
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Originally Posted by Bethany57
Just curious...did you ever try to reach out to her in a way in a non confrontational way and ask her about how much she drank? I would think deep down she has to know she has a problem.
And yes, I'd say the alcoholic who doesn't admit is way more common than the one who does.
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Mine would admit that he had a drinking problem ... say he was working on it ... and then not do anything about it. When he sought out help (because he knew he had to because of our divorce and child custody), he went to a counselor who taught 'moderation' - and this was a guy who had been drinking 17 beers a day, lost two (now three) jobs, had a few affairs, and was in the process of losing his marriage.
And, sure, 'moderation' is a six-pack of beer a day after drinking the equivalent of three six-packs a day. Yeah .... moderation is a great idea.
I found it absolutely infuriating, to be honest, and still don't understand it.
And, sure, 'moderation' is a six-pack of beer a day after drinking the equivalent of three six-packs a day. Yeah .... moderation is a great idea.
I found it absolutely infuriating, to be honest, and still don't understand it.
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Yep. My AH talks about the behaviour of alcoholics as quite separate to himself. This is the person who will drink at home the night before a big night out with friends to 'warm up his liver'.
drinking heavily takes him away from his family 3 nights a week at a minimum.
He can't admit we have relationship/family problems, let alone a drinking problem.
drinking heavily takes him away from his family 3 nights a week at a minimum.
He can't admit we have relationship/family problems, let alone a drinking problem.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
Something unrelated I have to get off my chest.. I wish I had come up with a better name than jjwinters. It was completely random. I sound like a bad college professor who is pretending to work on a novel.
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