An Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
An Introduction
Hello everyone! It's time to finally introduce myself, as I’ve been lurking here for months. I apologize, this will be long, as I’m a wordy gal. It’s also time for me to finally do something different, as trying to quit on my own is obviously a futile effort. I know I cannot continue with how I’ve operated in the past and posting here will be a step in the right direction. I can’t talk to anyone in my real life about my alcohol addiction. I will have to rely on the gracious folks here and my own readings and research. I am single and live alone. That makes it a little easier, in my opinion, to carry on with the addiction. I don’t have any family who lives close and I tend to keep many friendships mostly at a surface level. I don’t have anyone, aside from myself, to truly be accountable to. No one can see how truly bad it is.
At a basic level, I know why I drink: loneliness and feeling worthless. I’m sure there are other reasons I’m unaware of. It’s quite ridiculous, as I know I’m generally well liked amongst friends and work colleagues. I have friends who tell me they look up to me for all I’ve accomplished, yet for some reason, I feel those compliments are hollow. I don’t know why, I just can’t truly believe them. I want to, but there’s something in my brain that just won’t let me truly believe what they have to say. I don’t really feel that these people who have been in my life for DECADES actually give a crap. I know that’s more of an issue with me, not them. I’ve let my own insecurities override the the successes I’ve had in my life. I have a great job and it’s everything I ever wanted for my career. I know I’m respected and looked up to as a voice of authority. But that nagging doubt in the back of my mind usually wins out. That I’m not truly good enough. I cannot seek counseling or treatment, or I will risk losing my current job or anything similar to it. That is NOT an option for me, just putting that out up front so you know where I’m coming from. I’m willing to do the work and want to do so in a way to not jeopardize the career I’ve worked so hard for. I sincerely feel I can have both, my career and sobriety.
I’ve dealt with more than my fair share of crap the past few years (who hasn’t??). And I’ve had to face it all alone. Health issues, both for myself and close family members, to include cancer, Alzheimer’s and death. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made I through still standing. I’ve had to shoulder so much responsibility while enduring my health issues and trying to take care of other loved ones. While it’s been hard, I’m so thankful. Thankful I have made it through and thankful to be able to help my loved ones where I could. My responsibilities continue, even more so today, but I know I need to deal with life in a different way.
So this is me, MissPeaches, putting myself out there to you all. The fruit of the peach symbolizes the continuous process of renewal and of life. I can’t think of anything else more appropriate at this moment. I look forward to your honest advice and opinions. There’s so much wisdom, pain and glory on Sober Recovery. I’m so happy to be here.
~Peaches
At a basic level, I know why I drink: loneliness and feeling worthless. I’m sure there are other reasons I’m unaware of. It’s quite ridiculous, as I know I’m generally well liked amongst friends and work colleagues. I have friends who tell me they look up to me for all I’ve accomplished, yet for some reason, I feel those compliments are hollow. I don’t know why, I just can’t truly believe them. I want to, but there’s something in my brain that just won’t let me truly believe what they have to say. I don’t really feel that these people who have been in my life for DECADES actually give a crap. I know that’s more of an issue with me, not them. I’ve let my own insecurities override the the successes I’ve had in my life. I have a great job and it’s everything I ever wanted for my career. I know I’m respected and looked up to as a voice of authority. But that nagging doubt in the back of my mind usually wins out. That I’m not truly good enough. I cannot seek counseling or treatment, or I will risk losing my current job or anything similar to it. That is NOT an option for me, just putting that out up front so you know where I’m coming from. I’m willing to do the work and want to do so in a way to not jeopardize the career I’ve worked so hard for. I sincerely feel I can have both, my career and sobriety.
I’ve dealt with more than my fair share of crap the past few years (who hasn’t??). And I’ve had to face it all alone. Health issues, both for myself and close family members, to include cancer, Alzheimer’s and death. I honestly don’t know how I’ve made I through still standing. I’ve had to shoulder so much responsibility while enduring my health issues and trying to take care of other loved ones. While it’s been hard, I’m so thankful. Thankful I have made it through and thankful to be able to help my loved ones where I could. My responsibilities continue, even more so today, but I know I need to deal with life in a different way.
So this is me, MissPeaches, putting myself out there to you all. The fruit of the peach symbolizes the continuous process of renewal and of life. I can’t think of anything else more appropriate at this moment. I look forward to your honest advice and opinions. There’s so much wisdom, pain and glory on Sober Recovery. I’m so happy to be here.
~Peaches
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hello and welcome. So from what I gather you want to get well but on the down low. Hey nothing wrong with that. Its whatever works for ya. Stick around here a lot and gather Intel from all types of folks. As they share what works for them. It is a process feel me first on the agenda is to quit boozing. Then the work begins stay tuned around here. One day at a time. ✌
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
Thank you, I've seen many of your posts and you are rocking sobriety. Folks like you, who are honest with their recovery, truly help others. I'm looking forward to a new life here and learning from those who have also gone through this struggle. Thank you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,470
I'm glad you decided to post and share your story. And, it sounds like you're ready to stop drinking and we're here to offer support. I totally understand feeling unworthy and worthless, and I know it has nothing to do with how others see us. It's all about what we feel about ourselves, and for me, alcoholism was my attempt to numb those feelings.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello, and welcome. As you already know, you'll find a lot of support here.
I read your story. I found one thing odd about it, you don't say how much, or how often, you drink. It's not important, I'm just curious. And it's not how much or how often we drink, it's how alcohol effects us when we drink.
With that out of the way, I can relate totally to what you're saying.
In the end, I was single and alone in my house with drink. And at the end, say ten years, I drank alone by myself in my house.
Lost in a nether world where I didn't have to answer to anyone and like some dreamer, everything was really okay.
I was highly respected in my trade. I worked when I wanted to or was able to i.e. not too drunk or hungover. And you had to catch me on a rare day when I was neither of those.
I drank to get drunk. As much and as often as I could.
I suffered a pretty bad injury at work, (sober) which for all intents and purposes, knocked me out of a job.
No big deal. I am a member of a union and they take care of me. But, alas, more time, and a reason, to drink even more.
Waiting for the liquor store to open at eight and downing two shooters of whiskey on the three block walk home to get things kicked in right. Then, beer from there. Lots of beer.
For ten years I drank like that. Alone and no one knew but me the extent or torturous hangovers I suffered.
For me, it took AA to get in a right mind to quit and even that took a few years.
I understand that's not an option for you.
I hope you stick around here and are one of the fortunate whom can quit with our support and your own willingness. It can be done. This place is my only support now. It's been over ten and a half years since I've had a drink of alcohol. And I drank for over thirty. All alcoholically. (I started at fourteen.)
I'm glad you decided to post your situation. I can sure relate. You're not alone now. I know I, and I expect many of us here, know what you're going through.
So hang around and don't take that first drink. You may ask what I'm doing here after a decade of sobriety. It's because of self knowledge. And to help the newcomers and mainly the fact that I'm one drink away from a drunk and need the people here to let me know what it's like 'Out there'. Or maybe I just don't trust myself.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm a wordy guy
Best to you and I look forward to hearing more from you.
I read your story. I found one thing odd about it, you don't say how much, or how often, you drink. It's not important, I'm just curious. And it's not how much or how often we drink, it's how alcohol effects us when we drink.
With that out of the way, I can relate totally to what you're saying.
In the end, I was single and alone in my house with drink. And at the end, say ten years, I drank alone by myself in my house.
Lost in a nether world where I didn't have to answer to anyone and like some dreamer, everything was really okay.
I was highly respected in my trade. I worked when I wanted to or was able to i.e. not too drunk or hungover. And you had to catch me on a rare day when I was neither of those.
I drank to get drunk. As much and as often as I could.
I suffered a pretty bad injury at work, (sober) which for all intents and purposes, knocked me out of a job.
No big deal. I am a member of a union and they take care of me. But, alas, more time, and a reason, to drink even more.
Waiting for the liquor store to open at eight and downing two shooters of whiskey on the three block walk home to get things kicked in right. Then, beer from there. Lots of beer.
For ten years I drank like that. Alone and no one knew but me the extent or torturous hangovers I suffered.
For me, it took AA to get in a right mind to quit and even that took a few years.
I understand that's not an option for you.
I hope you stick around here and are one of the fortunate whom can quit with our support and your own willingness. It can be done. This place is my only support now. It's been over ten and a half years since I've had a drink of alcohol. And I drank for over thirty. All alcoholically. (I started at fourteen.)
I'm glad you decided to post your situation. I can sure relate. You're not alone now. I know I, and I expect many of us here, know what you're going through.
So hang around and don't take that first drink. You may ask what I'm doing here after a decade of sobriety. It's because of self knowledge. And to help the newcomers and mainly the fact that I'm one drink away from a drunk and need the people here to let me know what it's like 'Out there'. Or maybe I just don't trust myself.
Sorry this is so long, but I'm a wordy guy
Best to you and I look forward to hearing more from you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Welcome MissPeaches,
I am one of many here who got sober with only SR for support. In addition to the many reasons why IRL support wasn’t possible, I also knew that it was my responsibility to solve the problem I created.
Identifying the underlying issues that led me to drinking has been critical. I haven’t solved them all, and maybe never well, but I had to identify them in order to move forward.
Sobriety is simply part of my efforts to be a better person today than I was yesterday. Best wishes on your journey!
-bora
I am one of many here who got sober with only SR for support. In addition to the many reasons why IRL support wasn’t possible, I also knew that it was my responsibility to solve the problem I created.
Identifying the underlying issues that led me to drinking has been critical. I haven’t solved them all, and maybe never well, but I had to identify them in order to move forward.
Sobriety is simply part of my efforts to be a better person today than I was yesterday. Best wishes on your journey!
-bora
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Welcome Peach. That word 'hollow' resonates. If I climbed to the top of Everest, no oxygen- in shorts holding my breath, my mind would tell me I did not work hard enough.
My eventual sobriety came about by terrible circumstances, which is only the bit of my life's crap iceberg sticking up out of the water. When I share with health professionals-each bad thing in my past, they look serious and think 'well this is the reason this guy is here' and begin that body language of getting down to business. After I have said 'no, it gets worse' so many times, they stop writing.
That little inspirational sentence is to qualify the next.
In the last 4y (well documented elsewhere my grim story) I have received nothing but good- to overwhelmingly praising feedback as to my recovery, healing from burns, cognitive growth etcetc.
And each time I am offered such feedback- I feel (or rather used to feel strongly, but now not as much) worse.
I finally got a psychologist who clicked, as did a lot of other stuff (resources, info, training on CBT) and I asked her - 'why do I feel so crap when others tell me I am doing so well?'
She said simply 'because you cannot process it'.
My negative self esteem, image, perception would not allow any other thought/emotion in. I always thought my existence was a mistake- wrong.
I started, after successfully learning and applying CBT, ACT treatment. Both are mindful techniques for coping with today, planning tomorrow and putting the grief about yesterday in it's place.
As if all my achievements were a lie- because I just felt numb- 'hollow' or just plain bad.
Maybe that is a place to look at Miss P.
Support to you.
My eventual sobriety came about by terrible circumstances, which is only the bit of my life's crap iceberg sticking up out of the water. When I share with health professionals-each bad thing in my past, they look serious and think 'well this is the reason this guy is here' and begin that body language of getting down to business. After I have said 'no, it gets worse' so many times, they stop writing.
That little inspirational sentence is to qualify the next.
In the last 4y (well documented elsewhere my grim story) I have received nothing but good- to overwhelmingly praising feedback as to my recovery, healing from burns, cognitive growth etcetc.
And each time I am offered such feedback- I feel (or rather used to feel strongly, but now not as much) worse.
I finally got a psychologist who clicked, as did a lot of other stuff (resources, info, training on CBT) and I asked her - 'why do I feel so crap when others tell me I am doing so well?'
She said simply 'because you cannot process it'.
My negative self esteem, image, perception would not allow any other thought/emotion in. I always thought my existence was a mistake- wrong.
I started, after successfully learning and applying CBT, ACT treatment. Both are mindful techniques for coping with today, planning tomorrow and putting the grief about yesterday in it's place.
As if all my achievements were a lie- because I just felt numb- 'hollow' or just plain bad.
Maybe that is a place to look at Miss P.
Support to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 55
Thank you all for your replies, I truly appreciate it. I've kept up on the site since my initial posting, but just wasn't up for responding much. I will be honest, I'm not sober. But I do want to be. I've been reading on the site here and am also reading a recovery book. I've found with all of the focus on reading about being sober and not drinking actually makes me want to drink. For whatever reason, the constant focus on the bad thing makes me want to do that thing, in simplistic terms. Why is that?
I've begun to truly understand how much the unconscious mind drives our behaviors. Much of what I have read has shown me that I do exhibit the same patterns that so many other alcoholics do and I've been able to recognize specific patterns in my daily life that trigger my cravings. That being said, I'm still choosing to drink.
I know I will have a lot of support here, and I'm grateful for that. But I still feel that there's still something missing in how I can truly start the real process to be sober, not just posting here and thinking in my mind that I want to be sober. What the hell am I missing that I need to truly do this?
For months, I've been getting signs that it's time to quit for good. A friend, who I knew had a drinking problem that caused significant problems in their life, is now facing cirrhosis at a young age. Another, who I knew had a drinking problem and I assumed would never change, has turned their life around for the better and embraced recovery. Someone I would've never thought that would turn their live around so significantly and would have otherwise been in the ground. But they did it and did it well. Other signs, like dreams I'm at the doctor's office being told my liver is failing, but in my dreams I knew that before the doctor even told me. The unconscious mind is powerful. I know these signs are my unconscious mind trying to tell my conscious mind what it already knows. But how do I jump from what I know that what I do???
Ghost had mentioned I didn't talk about how much I drink or how long. I don't know, I just thought about how I knew I was an alcoholic, it never really occurred to me to talk about how much I drink. For the record, I'm a daily drinker. And for many years. The longest sobriety I had in recent memory was 11 days in May of this year. Prior to that, I was sober for 6 months several years ago. My sobriety wasn't due to any recovery work I was doing, rather due to my health issues and how I was petrified of compounding the issues I had at that time.
I don't drink all day, never in the morning and never at work. I've never had a DUI, crashed my car or been arrested. I don't miss work, my hangovers aren't too bad and and my withdrawl symptoms are minimal. As I stated before, I'm single so I don't have to worry about damaging any close relationships. Many family members are dealing with their own health issues so my problem is off their radar. I would never want my issues to cause them worry and it's nothing I will bring up to them, as they have enough to deal with.
That being said, I do have a problem. It's easy to compare oneself to others and how we aren't as "bad" as THAT person. I would NEVER drink while at work, I would NEVER drink first thing in the morning, I would NEVER get arrested. I would NEVER compromise my relationships. I'm not one of THOSE people. But that thinking is dangerous. I've read many a story where others felt that way, but then wound up at that level they previously despised. I know I already have a problem and minimizing that problem will not help solve said problem. I drink everyday and I drink to try and escape from the things that cause me pain. The things that are hard to face straight on. Even though I am pretty aware of what those issues are, I guess I just don't know how to actually DEAL with those issues straight on, without alcohol.
Looking at how others are worse now or were worse in the past will not serve me well. Yes, it helps knowing others have experienced the same thing. But I know I can't minimize my issues just to make myself feel better and to rationalize that I'm not as far gone as someone else.
I still have a lot on my plate in regards to family issues. Things are slowly lightening up and hopefully those stressors will continue to reduce. I've found oftentimes in the past, it's been easy to drastically reduce my alcohol consumption because there's been important things that need to be done for them. So, I'm able to do what I need to in order to take care of things. For whatever reason it's easier when it's about others, not me. It's not that I totally ignore things on my end, but it seems to be a no brainer with others. Things to ponder...
So, hello again. Not sure where the heck I'm going here, but I felt the need talk about where I am right now.
~Peaches
I've begun to truly understand how much the unconscious mind drives our behaviors. Much of what I have read has shown me that I do exhibit the same patterns that so many other alcoholics do and I've been able to recognize specific patterns in my daily life that trigger my cravings. That being said, I'm still choosing to drink.
I know I will have a lot of support here, and I'm grateful for that. But I still feel that there's still something missing in how I can truly start the real process to be sober, not just posting here and thinking in my mind that I want to be sober. What the hell am I missing that I need to truly do this?
For months, I've been getting signs that it's time to quit for good. A friend, who I knew had a drinking problem that caused significant problems in their life, is now facing cirrhosis at a young age. Another, who I knew had a drinking problem and I assumed would never change, has turned their life around for the better and embraced recovery. Someone I would've never thought that would turn their live around so significantly and would have otherwise been in the ground. But they did it and did it well. Other signs, like dreams I'm at the doctor's office being told my liver is failing, but in my dreams I knew that before the doctor even told me. The unconscious mind is powerful. I know these signs are my unconscious mind trying to tell my conscious mind what it already knows. But how do I jump from what I know that what I do???
Ghost had mentioned I didn't talk about how much I drink or how long. I don't know, I just thought about how I knew I was an alcoholic, it never really occurred to me to talk about how much I drink. For the record, I'm a daily drinker. And for many years. The longest sobriety I had in recent memory was 11 days in May of this year. Prior to that, I was sober for 6 months several years ago. My sobriety wasn't due to any recovery work I was doing, rather due to my health issues and how I was petrified of compounding the issues I had at that time.
I don't drink all day, never in the morning and never at work. I've never had a DUI, crashed my car or been arrested. I don't miss work, my hangovers aren't too bad and and my withdrawl symptoms are minimal. As I stated before, I'm single so I don't have to worry about damaging any close relationships. Many family members are dealing with their own health issues so my problem is off their radar. I would never want my issues to cause them worry and it's nothing I will bring up to them, as they have enough to deal with.
That being said, I do have a problem. It's easy to compare oneself to others and how we aren't as "bad" as THAT person. I would NEVER drink while at work, I would NEVER drink first thing in the morning, I would NEVER get arrested. I would NEVER compromise my relationships. I'm not one of THOSE people. But that thinking is dangerous. I've read many a story where others felt that way, but then wound up at that level they previously despised. I know I already have a problem and minimizing that problem will not help solve said problem. I drink everyday and I drink to try and escape from the things that cause me pain. The things that are hard to face straight on. Even though I am pretty aware of what those issues are, I guess I just don't know how to actually DEAL with those issues straight on, without alcohol.
Looking at how others are worse now or were worse in the past will not serve me well. Yes, it helps knowing others have experienced the same thing. But I know I can't minimize my issues just to make myself feel better and to rationalize that I'm not as far gone as someone else.
I still have a lot on my plate in regards to family issues. Things are slowly lightening up and hopefully those stressors will continue to reduce. I've found oftentimes in the past, it's been easy to drastically reduce my alcohol consumption because there's been important things that need to be done for them. So, I'm able to do what I need to in order to take care of things. For whatever reason it's easier when it's about others, not me. It's not that I totally ignore things on my end, but it seems to be a no brainer with others. Things to ponder...
So, hello again. Not sure where the heck I'm going here, but I felt the need talk about where I am right now.
~Peaches
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
"...But I still feel that there's still something missing in how I can truly start the real process to be sober, not just posting here and thinking in my mind that I want to be sober. What the hell am I missing that I need to truly do this? ...
I don't drink all day, never in the morning and never at work. I've never had a DUI, crashed my car or been arrested. I don't miss work..."
Hiya Miss Peaches. As long as you ask...I think you need to stop trying to do this on your own, and start spending your free time with people who know how to stay away from a drink.
Also, I see you have a case of the yets!!! No drink all day...yet. Never in morning...yet. Never at work, don't miss work...yet. No DUI, crash, arrest? Yet.
Do yourself a favor and stop drinking and leave the yets as yets.
Anyone with a name like Miss Peaches deserves it!
I don't drink all day, never in the morning and never at work. I've never had a DUI, crashed my car or been arrested. I don't miss work..."
Hiya Miss Peaches. As long as you ask...I think you need to stop trying to do this on your own, and start spending your free time with people who know how to stay away from a drink.
Also, I see you have a case of the yets!!! No drink all day...yet. Never in morning...yet. Never at work, don't miss work...yet. No DUI, crash, arrest? Yet.
Do yourself a favor and stop drinking and leave the yets as yets.
Anyone with a name like Miss Peaches deserves it!
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hi MissPeaches,
I have known that feeling of hollowness. People would tell me how great I was at things and that I was a great person and I just felt like a huge fraud. I didn't feel like I was good at anything. The booze really just amplified those feelings, and for me it eventually created some other interesting side effects like extreme anxiety and crippling depression.
I quit drinking many years ago and I can tell you that today I feel good about myself. I know my strengths, and after ditching the dead weight of booze that was dragging me down, I am able to work on the things that I'm not so good at and continue to grow and move forward.
If you haven't visited the secular connections forum here, you might want to. It's not as busy as some of the other subforums, but there are some really great threads and stickies there you might be interested in while you're reading around.
I wish I could somehow put into words what freedom from alcohol feels like, but everything I type falls short. I want you to know this feeling! You can do this. I believe in your ability to quit, even if you do not yet.
I have known that feeling of hollowness. People would tell me how great I was at things and that I was a great person and I just felt like a huge fraud. I didn't feel like I was good at anything. The booze really just amplified those feelings, and for me it eventually created some other interesting side effects like extreme anxiety and crippling depression.
I quit drinking many years ago and I can tell you that today I feel good about myself. I know my strengths, and after ditching the dead weight of booze that was dragging me down, I am able to work on the things that I'm not so good at and continue to grow and move forward.
If you haven't visited the secular connections forum here, you might want to. It's not as busy as some of the other subforums, but there are some really great threads and stickies there you might be interested in while you're reading around.
I wish I could somehow put into words what freedom from alcohol feels like, but everything I type falls short. I want you to know this feeling! You can do this. I believe in your ability to quit, even if you do not yet.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,188
Hi MissPeaches!
Reading your post and since you gave such detailed descriptions
I see a lot of the same things in your state of mind as I had with mine. The crucial one being that you're approaching sobriety in a very cerebral way. I did that for years. First, knowing with my conscious mind that it was wrong. I mean how could I have even thought anything else? I was throwing up in my own room, missing important deadlines, failing things even before starting them etc. There were so many actual, physical world, 'kinetic' signs that I was screwing my life up with and because of alcohol - no one could have ignored them. Other than myself of course, because I did for so long. I never learned how to drive, so DUIs etc were not an issue. I had a place to stay, so I wasn't 'that guy from behind the supermarket/at the park'. I was getting a law degree, so 'obviously' I was going places etc etc. I could always rationalise things and make them look ...different, if not exactly better.
Thing about sobriety - for me - is that the brain approach simply didn't work. It was blind faith in that an action might do what a million thoughts couldn't. The expression 'easier said than done' is one you see often here on SR. I guess the scariest things for someone just starting out is that ... while it really is easier said than done, there will be no change without the doing.
If you're a little like me, then that last sentence shot a pang through your brain: "Yes, I CAN become sober without doing X, Y, Z". That's the alcoholic voice trying to keep you stuck with a bottle.
It's also no surprise that a lot of people seek out volunteering in sobriety. Maybe some of it is to release part of the guilt that has collected over the years of being a drunk, closeted or otherwise. A lot of it is to get out of their own heads, to diminish the effects of that Alcoholic Voice which can convince a person that drinking at 7.30am before a work meeting is a good choice. Take the edge off, y'know. That's anything but normal. You said this doesn't happen to you. Like Colorado mentioned - here come the Yetis. Best not find out whether things can evolve to that place or not.
Someone recently told and reminded me that 'it is okay to lean on others for support'. I was starting to get cocky and was actually struggling. When I sought support, I felt better almost immediately. Don't isolate, MissPeaches. Don't try to go at this alone.
Use SR, if other options don't seem suitable at the current time. But never rule anything out completely. And with SR - really USE it Post often, about everything that gets you an inch closer to getting and then staying sober.
I wish you strength
K
Reading your post and since you gave such detailed descriptions
I see a lot of the same things in your state of mind as I had with mine. The crucial one being that you're approaching sobriety in a very cerebral way. I did that for years. First, knowing with my conscious mind that it was wrong. I mean how could I have even thought anything else? I was throwing up in my own room, missing important deadlines, failing things even before starting them etc. There were so many actual, physical world, 'kinetic' signs that I was screwing my life up with and because of alcohol - no one could have ignored them. Other than myself of course, because I did for so long. I never learned how to drive, so DUIs etc were not an issue. I had a place to stay, so I wasn't 'that guy from behind the supermarket/at the park'. I was getting a law degree, so 'obviously' I was going places etc etc. I could always rationalise things and make them look ...different, if not exactly better.Thing about sobriety - for me - is that the brain approach simply didn't work. It was blind faith in that an action might do what a million thoughts couldn't. The expression 'easier said than done' is one you see often here on SR. I guess the scariest things for someone just starting out is that ... while it really is easier said than done, there will be no change without the doing.
If you're a little like me, then that last sentence shot a pang through your brain: "Yes, I CAN become sober without doing X, Y, Z". That's the alcoholic voice trying to keep you stuck with a bottle.
It's also no surprise that a lot of people seek out volunteering in sobriety. Maybe some of it is to release part of the guilt that has collected over the years of being a drunk, closeted or otherwise. A lot of it is to get out of their own heads, to diminish the effects of that Alcoholic Voice which can convince a person that drinking at 7.30am before a work meeting is a good choice. Take the edge off, y'know. That's anything but normal. You said this doesn't happen to you. Like Colorado mentioned - here come the Yetis. Best not find out whether things can evolve to that place or not.
Someone recently told and reminded me that 'it is okay to lean on others for support'. I was starting to get cocky and was actually struggling. When I sought support, I felt better almost immediately. Don't isolate, MissPeaches. Don't try to go at this alone.
Use SR, if other options don't seem suitable at the current time. But never rule anything out completely. And with SR - really USE it
Post often, about everything that gets you an inch closer to getting and then staying sober.I wish you strength
K
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Miss Peaches,
So glad you posted again. I can relate to much of your story. I also had a long lists of things that hadn’t happened “yet”. One of the (many) reasons that I did the whole sober thing on my own was that no one knew there was a problem. Not a single public consequence to speak of.
The interesting thing, and the scary thing, was that even though my drinking pattern had remained the same, the way my body reacted did not. In my 40’s is when the shift started...and I remember the first day I woke after my usual “nightcap” and was not sober. So I knew my drinking was unsustainable, because my body could no longer deal as before.
Twice in life I’ve had to make big decisions on blind faith it was the reason to do so. I was unable, mired in the problem, to “think” my way out. The reasons for change became clear with time. I talk more about this in my first post, also titled “An Introduction”, and also posted after many years of lurking, drinking, and thinking.
Looking back, it was madness to sit with a glass in one hand and a recovery book in the other. But that’s exactly what I did. I think what every sober person would love to convey to those considering sobriety is how wonderful it can be. My life now is not just bora’s life minus booze...it has truly given me the opportunity to become more the person I want to be.
Some things take a leap of faith, and for me putting down the bottle was one of those.
-bora
So glad you posted again. I can relate to much of your story. I also had a long lists of things that hadn’t happened “yet”. One of the (many) reasons that I did the whole sober thing on my own was that no one knew there was a problem. Not a single public consequence to speak of.
The interesting thing, and the scary thing, was that even though my drinking pattern had remained the same, the way my body reacted did not. In my 40’s is when the shift started...and I remember the first day I woke after my usual “nightcap” and was not sober. So I knew my drinking was unsustainable, because my body could no longer deal as before.
Twice in life I’ve had to make big decisions on blind faith it was the reason to do so. I was unable, mired in the problem, to “think” my way out. The reasons for change became clear with time. I talk more about this in my first post, also titled “An Introduction”, and also posted after many years of lurking, drinking, and thinking.
Looking back, it was madness to sit with a glass in one hand and a recovery book in the other. But that’s exactly what I did. I think what every sober person would love to convey to those considering sobriety is how wonderful it can be. My life now is not just bora’s life minus booze...it has truly given me the opportunity to become more the person I want to be.
Some things take a leap of faith, and for me putting down the bottle was one of those.
-bora
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
MissPeaches!! Welcome and I'm glad our terrific friends commented so well above - not a surprise tho!
And, I am quite proud of your articulate shares, and the honesty. I too was a "why" person and it kept me drinking a long time. I had various people comment that many "big thinkers" and smart people are the ones most likely to die from our disease, bc we insist on finding any solution apart from quitting first.
There is much I could say, and I undoubtedly will if you stay with us as I believe you intend to do! At this point, I would just say that I finally accepted I had to quit drinking to have a shot at then addressing underlying issues. I also had to accept that I just am an alcoholic. In a big sense, I believe that the other stuff is my version of life etc, added onto that basic truth.
I'd love to see you post about a day one, and as perfectly said above, be open to all paths of action in getting sober for good. Glad you are here.
And, I am quite proud of your articulate shares, and the honesty. I too was a "why" person and it kept me drinking a long time. I had various people comment that many "big thinkers" and smart people are the ones most likely to die from our disease, bc we insist on finding any solution apart from quitting first.
There is much I could say, and I undoubtedly will if you stay with us as I believe you intend to do! At this point, I would just say that I finally accepted I had to quit drinking to have a shot at then addressing underlying issues. I also had to accept that I just am an alcoholic. In a big sense, I believe that the other stuff is my version of life etc, added onto that basic truth.
I'd love to see you post about a day one, and as perfectly said above, be open to all paths of action in getting sober for good. Glad you are here.
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