What's the Deal with Holidays?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
What's the Deal with Holidays?
My AH has always had the worst days during holidays. Even when he was sober for 2.8 years, the holidays sucked! He would make a scene and I would cry and we would go home. He would pass out and I would be miserable and making excuses for his behavior. After a couple years of Alanon, I learned that I could go to parties without him, and not have to leave because of his shenanigans but he still manages to ruin the holidays!
Friday, I called him to come help me. I figured that since it was right after work, he would not have been drinking yet. Boy was I wrong. He showed up in the company truck (again) and wouldn't come close to me. He waved at my friend from the doorway and said he didn't need help moving things to his truck. I told my friend that I thought he was drinking (she is a nurse/firefighter/paramedic) so she stopped him for a "hug" and confirmed he smelled very strongly of alcohol. I suggested he had drinks and he said no, that he was fine and he left. Sometimes, he does smell badly when he drinks heavily the day before, so I never know for sure.
He tells me he will meet me at home. Well, I left about 30 minutes after him and get home....he's not there. He shows up about an hour later and sits in his truck with it running in the driveway. I walk out and see the "black bag" that screams liquor store. UGH. He turns off the truck quickly and says he was finishing a song on the radio (we are music crazy people).
And the weekend begins....he is mad. Mad about me coming to check on him. Mad that the kids have toys out. Mad that the tv remote is missing. Mad that I am not hovering and being "nice" after he helped me so much. I go to get the kids some dinner and come home to my poor son trapped on the couch with dad's arm around him listening to loud loud music and telling stories...as soon as I come in, he lets son go (he knows I HATE when he traps the kids like that) and it's on. He tries to get me in a verbal confrontation and I tell him that he needs to eat and go to sleep. That I will call the police if he tries to interact or start a fight. The kids and dogs and myself spend the evening outside (FABULOUS by the way) and come back in around 8pm. The house smells like death. It was overwhelming. He passed out and stayed that way until Saturday morning and wanted things to just be "OK".
The weekend continued without any more booze but the damage was done. I went to a bbq on Sunday without him. It was a great time but I worried the whole time I was there that he would go get booze. Yesterday he was having such bad withdrawals that he barely talked and just slept most of the day.
I am sorry this is so long but I was wondering if this is something that you all have to deal with and then I wonder WHY? Why do they do this? He complains that no ones likes him but he messes up every holiday and wont come when invited anyway. It's like he likes to create drama when he knows there is a function (birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc...) I am doing better about just leaving him out (used to I would stay home and take care of him) but how do you stop worrying about the choices he will make when you are not home?
Friday, I called him to come help me. I figured that since it was right after work, he would not have been drinking yet. Boy was I wrong. He showed up in the company truck (again) and wouldn't come close to me. He waved at my friend from the doorway and said he didn't need help moving things to his truck. I told my friend that I thought he was drinking (she is a nurse/firefighter/paramedic) so she stopped him for a "hug" and confirmed he smelled very strongly of alcohol. I suggested he had drinks and he said no, that he was fine and he left. Sometimes, he does smell badly when he drinks heavily the day before, so I never know for sure.
He tells me he will meet me at home. Well, I left about 30 minutes after him and get home....he's not there. He shows up about an hour later and sits in his truck with it running in the driveway. I walk out and see the "black bag" that screams liquor store. UGH. He turns off the truck quickly and says he was finishing a song on the radio (we are music crazy people).
And the weekend begins....he is mad. Mad about me coming to check on him. Mad that the kids have toys out. Mad that the tv remote is missing. Mad that I am not hovering and being "nice" after he helped me so much. I go to get the kids some dinner and come home to my poor son trapped on the couch with dad's arm around him listening to loud loud music and telling stories...as soon as I come in, he lets son go (he knows I HATE when he traps the kids like that) and it's on. He tries to get me in a verbal confrontation and I tell him that he needs to eat and go to sleep. That I will call the police if he tries to interact or start a fight. The kids and dogs and myself spend the evening outside (FABULOUS by the way) and come back in around 8pm. The house smells like death. It was overwhelming. He passed out and stayed that way until Saturday morning and wanted things to just be "OK".
The weekend continued without any more booze but the damage was done. I went to a bbq on Sunday without him. It was a great time but I worried the whole time I was there that he would go get booze. Yesterday he was having such bad withdrawals that he barely talked and just slept most of the day.
I am sorry this is so long but I was wondering if this is something that you all have to deal with and then I wonder WHY? Why do they do this? He complains that no ones likes him but he messes up every holiday and wont come when invited anyway. It's like he likes to create drama when he knows there is a function (birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc...) I am doing better about just leaving him out (used to I would stay home and take care of him) but how do you stop worrying about the choices he will make when you are not home?
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Look girlfriend. Your man is sick period.. You aint gonna change him. He need to want to change himself. Meanwhile you take care of you and yo kids. Dont fight with him. Its not worth it. Protect you and your kids. He a grown ass man. Sorry if that sounds bad . bbut he need to address that monkey on his back ✌
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's not just the holidays......altho it can seem like they ramp it up during those times. any day is an excuse to drink, but holidays more so. part of that I Deserve It, it's time to Celebrate, Me Me Me crap.
you can and should report him as a drunk driver.
you can make sure to never leave the children home with him.
you can consider how to remove him from the equation.
none of those are fun or easy choices. you didn't ask for this. but this is the current set of circumstances you face and best to face them head on. do what is best for you and the children.
if he has a wreck in the company truck while drunk, the fallout will be immense. as long as you are legally attached to him, anything he does WILL have a negative impact on you. and he's a ticking time bomb. bad stuff WILL happen. and it will be ugly.
you can and should report him as a drunk driver.
you can make sure to never leave the children home with him.
you can consider how to remove him from the equation.
none of those are fun or easy choices. you didn't ask for this. but this is the current set of circumstances you face and best to face them head on. do what is best for you and the children.
if he has a wreck in the company truck while drunk, the fallout will be immense. as long as you are legally attached to him, anything he does WILL have a negative impact on you. and he's a ticking time bomb. bad stuff WILL happen. and it will be ugly.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Well first of all, yes, all of this is appalling. Especially where he holds your Son there. So you said:
I hope you will read that and re-read it. Your Husband is abusing your child. In no way is that ok. Imagine the powerlessness your Son feels in that situation. That's pretty traumatic stuff right there.
I actually am unsure, when he is obviously in the throes of major active addiction, why it matters when he's drinking? He's roaring drunk, abusive to you and your children, he drinks and drives, does it matter why it's a little worse on a holiday weekend? Any excuse for a drink.
I say take the focus completely off him, this isn't about him anymore it's about your life and your children's lives. You can't fix him.
(he knows I HATE when he traps the kids like that)
I actually am unsure, when he is obviously in the throes of major active addiction, why it matters when he's drinking? He's roaring drunk, abusive to you and your children, he drinks and drives, does it matter why it's a little worse on a holiday weekend? Any excuse for a drink.
I say take the focus completely off him, this isn't about him anymore it's about your life and your children's lives. You can't fix him.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Hi sunflower,
Al-Anon can help with education about this family disease of alcoholism. It also is much more. Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
When I took a great leap of faith and left home with kid, everything changed. My plan was: safety, change what I can and emotional stability for DS.
Al-Anon can help with education about this family disease of alcoholism. It also is much more. Awareness. Acceptance. Action.
When I took a great leap of faith and left home with kid, everything changed. My plan was: safety, change what I can and emotional stability for DS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
I appreciate all of your advice. I really do. I realize I need to do something...I am not even sure WHAT anymore but I am so afraid. I have been doing it this way for more than 20 years, I am not even sure I would know how to do anything else.
Your comments bring me strength. I am getting stronger and learning how to move forward. Please do not think I ignore your words and continue to live in this horror story on purpose. I am trying and learning from your experiences. I am working on not being afraid. I am working on what happens next.
Thank you to this community for supporting the lost and broken while we "figure things out"
Your comments bring me strength. I am getting stronger and learning how to move forward. Please do not think I ignore your words and continue to live in this horror story on purpose. I am trying and learning from your experiences. I am working on not being afraid. I am working on what happens next.
Thank you to this community for supporting the lost and broken while we "figure things out"
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Baby steps. One day at a time. 
Are you current going to Al-Anon and doing step work? It's not the only path, yet it can be one that brings clarity.
Kindness to self can look like many things and can change. What we need from day to day can easily change up and be something new.
Adventures, opportunities and choices open up.
Are you current going to Al-Anon and doing step work? It's not the only path, yet it can be one that brings clarity.
Kindness to self can look like many things and can change. What we need from day to day can easily change up and be something new.
Adventures, opportunities and choices open up.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
oddsunflower…..I cannot tell, from the threads, if you work outside the home.
Of course I know that you work hard INSIDE the home...so, that should go without saying...lol....
the reason that I bring this up is that having work outside the home can do wonders for your self confidence, sense of independence, and mental outlook. Not to speak of a break from the craziness and stress of the household, living with a practicing alcoholic.
Now, I realize that you have a special needs child...so, I understand how that can present scheduling problems.....but, If your son is in school for part of the day, even some part time working hours would do the trick.....
Even doing some kind of volunteer work for an important cause, can offer the same kind of benefits....plus, it can give you experience that you might translate into paid work, in the future....
somehow, I get the feeling that your whole family takes you for granted.....If I am correct,it is time for that to stop....
and, of course, you will have to be the one to stop it....after all, you work just as hard for your family as your husband...and, your light should not be hidden under a bushel.....
Of course I know that you work hard INSIDE the home...so, that should go without saying...lol....
the reason that I bring this up is that having work outside the home can do wonders for your self confidence, sense of independence, and mental outlook. Not to speak of a break from the craziness and stress of the household, living with a practicing alcoholic.
Now, I realize that you have a special needs child...so, I understand how that can present scheduling problems.....but, If your son is in school for part of the day, even some part time working hours would do the trick.....
Even doing some kind of volunteer work for an important cause, can offer the same kind of benefits....plus, it can give you experience that you might translate into paid work, in the future....
somehow, I get the feeling that your whole family takes you for granted.....If I am correct,it is time for that to stop....
and, of course, you will have to be the one to stop it....after all, you work just as hard for your family as your husband...and, your light should not be hidden under a bushel.....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
It is such a trying time when you know and feel what you need to do. Doing it is a whole other challenge. My advice would be to stay on here and keep posting. You are not alone.
The whole cycle can make you feel like you are losing your mind. Holidays are worse, I agree. But really, they can find a reason for drinking anytime. Holidays I think just seem a little more socially acceptable....difference is, a lot of people can control the amount they drink and not terrorize their family.
Hang in there. You have the weight of the world on you right now because you are trying to protect your family and be the strong one. It is possible to change things. It is. Hugs.
The whole cycle can make you feel like you are losing your mind. Holidays are worse, I agree. But really, they can find a reason for drinking anytime. Holidays I think just seem a little more socially acceptable....difference is, a lot of people can control the amount they drink and not terrorize their family.
Hang in there. You have the weight of the world on you right now because you are trying to protect your family and be the strong one. It is possible to change things. It is. Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Thank you guys again. To answer a few questions, no, I do not work outside the home. I have been a stay-at-home mom for 20+ years. I attend Al-Anon in an online group and have only been to a few face to face meetings because of timing.
I do have a couple close friends but I am always reluctant to discuss my home life with them. I just find that it makes things awkward and I would rather not do it. Is it painfully difficult to keep all of this to myself? Yes. But it has seemed so surreal for so long that I wonder if anyone would even believe half of the stuff I deal with. (I know most of you have endured the same and in some cases more but I am talking about the "others") Most of the time, I even shake my head in disbelief and wonder if things are real.
I will continue to come back and read through the years of posts here! I find strength in them to do what is right for my family. I have learned so much and feel more empowered every day. The problem is that empowerment comes with friction as my AH loses his control on MY life. I have to learn to deal with that a little better now too.
Thank you for helping me not feel so alone
I do have a couple close friends but I am always reluctant to discuss my home life with them. I just find that it makes things awkward and I would rather not do it. Is it painfully difficult to keep all of this to myself? Yes. But it has seemed so surreal for so long that I wonder if anyone would even believe half of the stuff I deal with. (I know most of you have endured the same and in some cases more but I am talking about the "others") Most of the time, I even shake my head in disbelief and wonder if things are real.
I will continue to come back and read through the years of posts here! I find strength in them to do what is right for my family. I have learned so much and feel more empowered every day. The problem is that empowerment comes with friction as my AH loses his control on MY life. I have to learn to deal with that a little better now too.
Thank you for helping me not feel so alone
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 62
Empowerment comes with friction as AH loses control on MY life.
People wouldn't believe half of the things that you have dealt with.
Yes! Very true words. You will meet resistance and it will try to get the best of you. You know what is good for you and your family. If the things happening do not feel right to you, then they aren't. I have been in your shoes sooooo many times.
Glad you have found this forum. I am so glad to have it.
People wouldn't believe half of the things that you have dealt with.
Yes! Very true words. You will meet resistance and it will try to get the best of you. You know what is good for you and your family. If the things happening do not feel right to you, then they aren't. I have been in your shoes sooooo many times.
Glad you have found this forum. I am so glad to have it.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Speaking as someone who is not an alcoholic:
Holidays can be difficult because we place so much importance on them, and feel compelled to be happy, or at least act happy. And when the happiness isn't magically there, one can feel cheated.
One of the harder periods of my life was getting together for happy, religious holidays with my family when I was having a period of unbelief. AH was drinking a lot. Getting together with my family (secure in their faith, not dealing with addiction) made me feel 1) cheated, and 2) a fraud for celebrating something I didn't believe.
I'm the kind of person who stews and worries more than a lot of people. I can only imagine what an alcoholic might be going through trying to make it through a holiday.
Holidays can be difficult because we place so much importance on them, and feel compelled to be happy, or at least act happy. And when the happiness isn't magically there, one can feel cheated.
One of the harder periods of my life was getting together for happy, religious holidays with my family when I was having a period of unbelief. AH was drinking a lot. Getting together with my family (secure in their faith, not dealing with addiction) made me feel 1) cheated, and 2) a fraud for celebrating something I didn't believe.
I'm the kind of person who stews and worries more than a lot of people. I can only imagine what an alcoholic might be going through trying to make it through a holiday.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 135
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. As I try to separate myself from his addiction, I feel more and more triggered by even the little things. He made a comment a few days ago about me being "checked out" of the relationship. He suggested it feels like we are roommates. I guess I am doing something right then. I am just trying to get through the next few months without making too much trouble as I am due to start treatments this week for a serious medical condition. I need a little peace and a non-crazy living arrangement. If it gets worse, the kids and I (and my doggos) do have family we can stay with temporarily.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,611
Yes, you are doing things right for you oddsunflower!
I really wish you well with your treatments and hope you heal really fast and are feeling better soon.
Stress certainly won't help so the more you focus on yourself, the better. Perhaps that is a good excuse to get him to back off - tell him you need to focus on yourself right now, so just let you be.
I really wish you well with your treatments and hope you heal really fast and are feeling better soon.
Stress certainly won't help so the more you focus on yourself, the better. Perhaps that is a good excuse to get him to back off - tell him you need to focus on yourself right now, so just let you be.
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