What do I do next?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
What do I do next?
Hello
I will try to keep this to the point.
3 weeks ago my partner of 15 years and mother of my two children relapsed with cocaine in a very big way.
I had been away working and was travelling back home when I learned something was deeply wrong. My debit card was not working.
What had happened was she had started doing cocaine again that day. She blew through 500$ dollars from our joint account.
But the worst part of it was she walked out on out two children, ages 4 and 1, to get picked up by her dealer so she could continue her binge.
The kids were all alone for at least an hour.
She texted my aunt to tell her the kids were alone and that she was relieving us of her "****** up brain" and that things were better that way.
I get home to my kids safe (thank god). My aunt and parents are in the house.
I was concerned for my partner's safety as she has a history of self harm when she isvthrottled out of her mind on coke.
So I called the police to tell them to be on lookout for her.
They finally caught up with her and put her in the hospital. She stayed there for 5 days and than was given a place to crash by a lady she knew from AA.
She is currently in a 6 week rehab program out of town. She says she regrets everything and wants to be a good mom and fix her self.
But is that possible?
She says she loves us and regrets everything but where were those feelings when she walked out on the children and spent our last dollars for coke.
I am looking for advice on how to move forward.
This latest episode came on the heels of 1 year sober but is she damaged beyond all repair?
I know I can never trust her with the kids again but if she can be sober I would like her to be a part of their life.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel completely lost now.
I will try to keep this to the point.
3 weeks ago my partner of 15 years and mother of my two children relapsed with cocaine in a very big way.
I had been away working and was travelling back home when I learned something was deeply wrong. My debit card was not working.
What had happened was she had started doing cocaine again that day. She blew through 500$ dollars from our joint account.
But the worst part of it was she walked out on out two children, ages 4 and 1, to get picked up by her dealer so she could continue her binge.
The kids were all alone for at least an hour.
She texted my aunt to tell her the kids were alone and that she was relieving us of her "****** up brain" and that things were better that way.
I get home to my kids safe (thank god). My aunt and parents are in the house.
I was concerned for my partner's safety as she has a history of self harm when she isvthrottled out of her mind on coke.
So I called the police to tell them to be on lookout for her.
They finally caught up with her and put her in the hospital. She stayed there for 5 days and than was given a place to crash by a lady she knew from AA.
She is currently in a 6 week rehab program out of town. She says she regrets everything and wants to be a good mom and fix her self.
But is that possible?
She says she loves us and regrets everything but where were those feelings when she walked out on the children and spent our last dollars for coke.
I am looking for advice on how to move forward.
This latest episode came on the heels of 1 year sober but is she damaged beyond all repair?
I know I can never trust her with the kids again but if she can be sober I would like her to be a part of their life.
Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel completely lost now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Colorado
Posts: 347
No one can predict what the future is for her. I would listen to the advice of the counsellors and professionals working with her. You might want to get some counselling yourself, someone with experience, to give you solid advice.
I would also be sure I had good legal counsel lined up to respond to any eventuality if needed.
I can hear that you love your children, get all your ducks in a row, and I suspect you'll just have to wait and see what happens with her.
Good luck in a tough time.
I would also be sure I had good legal counsel lined up to respond to any eventuality if needed.
I can hear that you love your children, get all your ducks in a row, and I suspect you'll just have to wait and see what happens with her.
Good luck in a tough time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you
It is hard. I know she could be a good mom but she has not been.
I want to support her in recovery but I cannot risk the kid's and my own well being.
I guess I am struggling with the thought of leaving her for good. I fear she will end up in a very bad place without us.
Her family are of no use and she has no friends anymore.
And I still love her some how despite all the grief she has caused us.
It is hard. I know she could be a good mom but she has not been.
I want to support her in recovery but I cannot risk the kid's and my own well being.
I guess I am struggling with the thought of leaving her for good. I fear she will end up in a very bad place without us.
Her family are of no use and she has no friends anymore.
And I still love her some how despite all the grief she has caused us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
You are in a very complex position. There are two main things to consider. 1. Her relationship with her children and 2. Her relationship with you.
As it relates to the children, obviously she should not be left alone with them for a long time. Whatever you (and perhaps a judge) think is reasonable...3 months? 6 months?
As as it relates to you, that is completely up to you.
Can someone recover after what she did? Absolutely. People recover all of the time. But we’d need more back story to understand her patterns. Is this type of despicable behavior common or was this her worst binge and behavior? Has she tried to quit before and how? Is she only quitting because she go into trouble? Or does she want it?
I do not envy you my friend. For now, be grateful the kids are safe and don’t tie your happiness to whether she succeeds or not. You have to disassociate with her while she works her recovery program. If she falls, you can’t let her drag those kids’ down with her. I look forward to talking more with you so keep coming back.
As it relates to the children, obviously she should not be left alone with them for a long time. Whatever you (and perhaps a judge) think is reasonable...3 months? 6 months?
As as it relates to you, that is completely up to you.
Can someone recover after what she did? Absolutely. People recover all of the time. But we’d need more back story to understand her patterns. Is this type of despicable behavior common or was this her worst binge and behavior? Has she tried to quit before and how? Is she only quitting because she go into trouble? Or does she want it?
I do not envy you my friend. For now, be grateful the kids are safe and don’t tie your happiness to whether she succeeds or not. You have to disassociate with her while she works her recovery program. If she falls, you can’t let her drag those kids’ down with her. I look forward to talking more with you so keep coming back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you for your reply.
She has had a history of ****** coke seeking behaviour for our whole time together. 15 years aprox.
She was never a daily user but has a history of going off the deep end every 15 months or so.
Before this the last episode was her cutting her self with a knife while 7 months pregnant with our youngest. She had been using while pregnant. I took it as a cry for help than. She went to counselling and started attending AA.
Our daughter was born with no obvious effects from the abuse and I truly thought that chapter was closed.
She says she relapsed once at her 1 year sober mark and then nuked our life together in the afore mentioned episode about 3 months later.
She has a history of stealing to get her coke when she can't afford it.
She has had a history of ****** coke seeking behaviour for our whole time together. 15 years aprox.
She was never a daily user but has a history of going off the deep end every 15 months or so.
Before this the last episode was her cutting her self with a knife while 7 months pregnant with our youngest. She had been using while pregnant. I took it as a cry for help than. She went to counselling and started attending AA.
Our daughter was born with no obvious effects from the abuse and I truly thought that chapter was closed.
She says she relapsed once at her 1 year sober mark and then nuked our life together in the afore mentioned episode about 3 months later.
She has a history of stealing to get her coke when she can't afford it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you for your words.
I intend to do counselling. I still care for her. When she was sober life with her was great.
But so far in our relationship she has proven very effective at pulling the wool over my eyes.
It seems like everything is perfect until it is not.
She has a deep seated need to please others even at the expense of her own well being. I feel this is very crucial to understanding her behaviour. She is like a time bomb but instead of a clock ticking down, it is just her putting on a brave face stating "everything is fine" until the inevitable explosion.
I intend to do counselling. I still care for her. When she was sober life with her was great.
But so far in our relationship she has proven very effective at pulling the wool over my eyes.
It seems like everything is perfect until it is not.
She has a deep seated need to please others even at the expense of her own well being. I feel this is very crucial to understanding her behaviour. She is like a time bomb but instead of a clock ticking down, it is just her putting on a brave face stating "everything is fine" until the inevitable explosion.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by mylifegone 
Thank you for your words.
I intend to do counselling. I still care for her. When she was sober life with her was great.
But so far in our relationship she has proven very effective at pulling the wool over my eyes.
It seems like everything is perfect until it is not.
She has a deep seated need to please others even at the expense of her own well being. I feel this is very crucial to understanding her behaviour. She is like a time bomb but instead of a clock ticking down, it is just her putting on a brave face stating "everything is fine" until the inevitable explosion.
I intend to do counselling. I still care for her. When she was sober life with her was great.
But so far in our relationship she has proven very effective at pulling the wool over my eyes.
It seems like everything is perfect until it is not.
She has a deep seated need to please others even at the expense of her own well being. I feel this is very crucial to understanding her behaviour. She is like a time bomb but instead of a clock ticking down, it is just her putting on a brave face stating "everything is fine" until the inevitable explosion.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you again for taking the time to reply.
I feel if we took it to court it would be a slam dunk for me.
I am the one who supports the family, the home we live in is all mine and I have no drug issues.
I have been maintaining a stable home in her absence and can continue to do so.
Mind you that will mean moving in with my parents at the end of this month as I can no longer work. I have multiple offers of employment but cannot accept because my children need me around right now.
For the first time in my 40 years I am considering applying for welfare. Which sucks balls. But the reality is I can not leave town to do my work anymore. I don't want to move back in with my folks but I can't afford the roof over our heads come Oct 1.
In a sick twist of fate that will be right around the time she finishes rehab.
FML
I feel if we took it to court it would be a slam dunk for me.
I am the one who supports the family, the home we live in is all mine and I have no drug issues.
I have been maintaining a stable home in her absence and can continue to do so.
Mind you that will mean moving in with my parents at the end of this month as I can no longer work. I have multiple offers of employment but cannot accept because my children need me around right now.
For the first time in my 40 years I am considering applying for welfare. Which sucks balls. But the reality is I can not leave town to do my work anymore. I don't want to move back in with my folks but I can't afford the roof over our heads come Oct 1.
In a sick twist of fate that will be right around the time she finishes rehab.
FML
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi and welcome mylifegone - I'm so sorry for what brings you here but I'm glad you found us 
This is a place of great support and understanding,
I agree the priority here is to protect your kids - and maybe yourself too?
Your wife might be a lovely person who, understandably, in many ways you love very much - but while she's in active addiction anything can happen.
I know because I've been in active addiction.
I'm a man and I have no children but when trust is broken it's hard to win back.
I had to prove to my friends family and loved ones I'd changed, for good.
That took a long time, and I don't blame them for that at all.
I hope you'll also visit out Family and Friends forum too - to get the perspective and some shared experience from your side of the street so to speak.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
D
This is a place of great support and understanding,
I agree the priority here is to protect your kids - and maybe yourself too?
Your wife might be a lovely person who, understandably, in many ways you love very much - but while she's in active addiction anything can happen.
I know because I've been in active addiction.
I'm a man and I have no children but when trust is broken it's hard to win back.
I had to prove to my friends family and loved ones I'd changed, for good.
That took a long time, and I don't blame them for that at all.
I hope you'll also visit out Family and Friends forum too - to get the perspective and some shared experience from your side of the street so to speak.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...tance-abusers/
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 210
Mylifedone, you sound like a really decent person. You are prepared to bring your chidren up and forfeit your own life in the meantime.
A lot of people would just not care and the kids grow up to be damaged by all of this.
The thing is they wont always be aged 1 and 4. If you are to act now then the ages of them are the best ages for you to do this.
Looks like you will need to do supervised visits to there mother, if she does manage to get clean and a few years clean behind her then all the better.
You have the children's best interests at heart and I can feel how hard this all is for you but like I said it wont be forever, in time so much can change for the better but she has to be the one to give up her addictions for good, nothing you can do or say can make that happen for her.
I wish you well!
A lot of people would just not care and the kids grow up to be damaged by all of this.
The thing is they wont always be aged 1 and 4. If you are to act now then the ages of them are the best ages for you to do this.
Looks like you will need to do supervised visits to there mother, if she does manage to get clean and a few years clean behind her then all the better.
You have the children's best interests at heart and I can feel how hard this all is for you but like I said it wont be forever, in time so much can change for the better but she has to be the one to give up her addictions for good, nothing you can do or say can make that happen for her.
I wish you well!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
She needs to be part of the kids lives NO MATTER if she is sober or not. Usually what would happen is she can only be with the children "supervised" until she has some significant improvement in her mental state and substance abuse issues....
Keeping the children from her will impact the children in a very negative way they are too young to understand she is under the influence and what that means...all they know right now is that she is not around and one can only imagine what her absence is doing to their small fragile minds.
You ask any Dr or court and they will tell you that the kids need to be in her life one way or another...but certainly supervised by someone you and her trust...for now.
Keeping the children from her will impact the children in a very negative way they are too young to understand she is under the influence and what that means...all they know right now is that she is not around and one can only imagine what her absence is doing to their small fragile minds.
You ask any Dr or court and they will tell you that the kids need to be in her life one way or another...but certainly supervised by someone you and her trust...for now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 12
Thank you everyone for the replies.
Misssy you state that she needs to part of their lives no matter what.
I respectfully disagree. I think she has to be sober and willing to prove it. I honestly think it is better for them not to know her if she continues to use.
It hurts to have to think this way but my kids well being supersedes everything and the potential for psychological or even physical harm coming to those kids from their mom's addiction is a risk that I don't believe they should have to take.
Misssy you state that she needs to part of their lives no matter what.
I respectfully disagree. I think she has to be sober and willing to prove it. I honestly think it is better for them not to know her if she continues to use.
It hurts to have to think this way but my kids well being supersedes everything and the potential for psychological or even physical harm coming to those kids from their mom's addiction is a risk that I don't believe they should have to take.
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
I’m sorry for what brings you here. It sounds like you have a strong plan moving forward for yourself and your children. Dee posted a link to the Friends and Family Forum - they may have some good advice for you there too.
Sending you you strength and support.
Sending you you strength and support.
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