Update
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Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Update
So AH wrote me a long text telling me he is going to get better. That the rehab gave him a good foundation and so has his therapist. That September is a new start for him. That he will go to meetings daily, go into his office. That he needs to replace lying and sneaking and poor behaviors. He said he understands that he can’t drink or i will not be with him. He said he understands that he has said this 1000 times and that i have no reason to believe him. That he does not want to separate and divorcee but that he understands if for me it is too late.
So i know what you are all thinking cause i rolled my eyes too 🙄. What i told him back was that i glad he intends to work his program and get better. But that i am still planning on giving notice on sept 30 if nothing changes and he is not gone. That while I appreciate his text it takes way more. I told him recovery requires honesty and gratitude. And that means he comes clean with his family Instead of letting them hurt me due to his dishonesty.
We’ll see.
So i know what you are all thinking cause i rolled my eyes too 🙄. What i told him back was that i glad he intends to work his program and get better. But that i am still planning on giving notice on sept 30 if nothing changes and he is not gone. That while I appreciate his text it takes way more. I told him recovery requires honesty and gratitude. And that means he comes clean with his family Instead of letting them hurt me due to his dishonesty.
We’ll see.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
While yes, it all seems very disingenuous because you've heard it a thousand times (as many here have), it doesn't hurt anything at this point really, since you aren't holding out great hope.
He basically has 1 month to show you whether or not he means this. Now that doesn't mean that you actually have to do anything other than what you have planned, which is to move out or have him move out.
Hopefully, even if he isn't successful it won't turn in to a great pity party or have him venting his frustration outward at you. This can turn on you, the blame for "forcing" (even though you re not) him to do what he may not actually want to or can't do.
I'm posting a portion of an article I post to a lot. Not because it is the bible of addiction just that these behaviours of the addict are well worn, predictable in many cases. So it gives you some idea of what might be in store because isn't everyone tired of being blind-sided.
"One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
He basically has 1 month to show you whether or not he means this. Now that doesn't mean that you actually have to do anything other than what you have planned, which is to move out or have him move out.
Hopefully, even if he isn't successful it won't turn in to a great pity party or have him venting his frustration outward at you. This can turn on you, the blame for "forcing" (even though you re not) him to do what he may not actually want to or can't do.
I'm posting a portion of an article I post to a lot. Not because it is the bible of addiction just that these behaviours of the addict are well worn, predictable in many cases. So it gives you some idea of what might be in store because isn't everyone tired of being blind-sided.
"One of the most damaging interpersonal scenarios occurs when the addict, usually as the consequence of some unforeseen crisis directly stemming from his addiction, promises with all of the sincerity at his command to stop his addictive behavior and never under any circumstances to resume it again.
"I promise," the addict pleads, sometimes with tears in his eyes. "I know I have been wrong, and this time I have learned my lesson. You'll never have to worry about me again. It will never happen again!"
But it does happen again and again, and again, and again. Each time the promises, each time their breaking. Those who first responded to his sincere sounding promises of reform with relief, hope and at times even joy soon become disillusioned and bitter.
Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most".
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 73
I’m sorry for what brings you here. I strongly advise to still have your plan in place. I’ve just lived through it with my EXABF.
He went into a 3 month rehab, began drinking within 2 hours of coming home, after 91 days of sobriety. He promised to continue a recovery program if he could come home. But he broke that promise and blamed me for “the crappy rehab he went to”.
He did a 5 day detox after being Baker Acted to psych hospital. Again, promised to work his recovery program which he had in hand if he could come home. He began drinking 2 days post discharge.
Not even a month out of detox I had to call police for domestic battery when he was in a drunken rage.
I have packed his belongings and placed them in my garage, he is not allowed back, no matter what he promises. Unfortunately his actions showed his intentions more so than any words ever did.
Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, doesn’t mean there isn’t a great guy under all the pain addiction causes, it just means I need to get out of his way for him to work on his issues, if he so chooses to do so, without having to promise me anything.
He went into a 3 month rehab, began drinking within 2 hours of coming home, after 91 days of sobriety. He promised to continue a recovery program if he could come home. But he broke that promise and blamed me for “the crappy rehab he went to”.
He did a 5 day detox after being Baker Acted to psych hospital. Again, promised to work his recovery program which he had in hand if he could come home. He began drinking 2 days post discharge.
Not even a month out of detox I had to call police for domestic battery when he was in a drunken rage.
I have packed his belongings and placed them in my garage, he is not allowed back, no matter what he promises. Unfortunately his actions showed his intentions more so than any words ever did.
Doesn’t mean I don’t love him, doesn’t mean there isn’t a great guy under all the pain addiction causes, it just means I need to get out of his way for him to work on his issues, if he so chooses to do so, without having to promise me anything.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
awww, and he said all that.........via text.
the thing is.....even if he did everything he said, exactly as he has it mapped out, sept 30 is only 28 days away. nobody makes wholesale, life changes in that time. one can start yes, but most of us have managed a new way of life for a month or so.....only to later revert to old way of life. be that diet or exercise or housekeeping skills.
beware the full court press. this is a series of plays used for a short time by a team in basketball. to put the other team off their game, wear them down. however it is not sustainable.
while i do wish him well and hope that something does stick this time, i urge you to keep your eye on the prize. which is YOU.
the thing is.....even if he did everything he said, exactly as he has it mapped out, sept 30 is only 28 days away. nobody makes wholesale, life changes in that time. one can start yes, but most of us have managed a new way of life for a month or so.....only to later revert to old way of life. be that diet or exercise or housekeeping skills.
beware the full court press. this is a series of plays used for a short time by a team in basketball. to put the other team off their game, wear them down. however it is not sustainable.
while i do wish him well and hope that something does stick this time, i urge you to keep your eye on the prize. which is YOU.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 93
Thanks to you both.
To be clear his entire note was not about me. He wants his health to be better and he is definitely tired of drinking. I was not giving him an ultimatum. I was simply saying i will continue with my plan to separate if change does not occur. I told him his drinking is his issue but that it is up to him for himself. Not for me. And that a text is not enough. There is a ton of work to do.
For the record i am not scared of him and this is not a police kind of situation. He is 6’5 and 270 i am 5’3” and he is mire afraid of me. (Just trying to add a little humor here)
To be clear his entire note was not about me. He wants his health to be better and he is definitely tired of drinking. I was not giving him an ultimatum. I was simply saying i will continue with my plan to separate if change does not occur. I told him his drinking is his issue but that it is up to him for himself. Not for me. And that a text is not enough. There is a ton of work to do.
For the record i am not scared of him and this is not a police kind of situation. He is 6’5 and 270 i am 5’3” and he is mire afraid of me. (Just trying to add a little humor here)
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