lonelyhusband

Really struggling to move forward. Feeling paralyzed by profound sadness, fear, and anger.

First time posting here because I'm really struggling to move forward. I'm feeling paralyzed my profound sadness, fear, and anger. My wife (42) separated from me (41) about 9 months ago after 3 kids, 19 years together, and 14 years married. I still find myself walking around in a fog. The disconnect and surrealism of the situation seems to prevent my brain from accepting it as reality. It really began 3 years ago when my wife rapidly spiraled into alcoholism. We had both been drinkers but this was like nothing I had ever seen. This is a smart woman who was quite suddenly and literally, physically dependent on alcohol. Her health situation became dire and her personality became almost unrecognizable as she lied and hid the drinking for about a year. It was a very frightening time and I was worried constantly, often in tears, begging and pleading her to stop. After several failed attempts, I'd like to think I was somewhat instrumental in getting her into a rehabilitation center. It was a success.

She transformed back into the women I had always known. She was free from alcohol, happy, glowing, enamored with her life, and we had never been so close as a couple. I had scarcely ever gotten so many hugs in my life, and it felt wonderful. To have the woman I loved, my best friend, back from the brink, was such a relief.
Somewhere near the end of her first year of sobriety though, something changed. I could see the happiness fade and it was gradually replaced with negativity. Eventually she suggested that we go to marriage counseling which completely blindsided me and sent me into a panic. Her reasoning at first was vague, but throughout the counseling sessions she began to reveal resentments towards me. She was right about many of them, and I took it seriously. I had followed her career to a different state 10 years ago and have been a stay at home dad with our 3 boys for the duration. I was not perfect but I feel I was always a great Dad and a loving husband. I cooked and cleaned and maintained the house and yard. I suppose I got a bit to comfortable with my family, after all it's all I've ever needed or wanted. At any rate I was not pulling my weight as much as I should have been, and I recognized that she was right. I doubled my efforts and we continued counseling, but it didn't help. It became clear that she was not interested in working on the marriage and said as much. She claimed that despite my efforts something was "broken" between us. I then got the wonderful "I love you, but I'm not in-love with you" speech.

So here I sit tonight under a different roof, on this particular night without my boys that I love more than life itself, feeling lonely, angry and scared about what the hell I'm going to do now. I feel like I'm constantly flipping from profound sadness to anger at a moments notice. Her callousness about the whole situation makes her unrecognizable from the person I fell in love with. We've had a wonderful life so far. I've been faithful, kind, and caring. She's always been my best friend and our home has consistently been filled with love and laughter. Sure we had the occasional fight but what marriage hasn't. It just doesn't add up for me. Beyond that I'll never understand what the point of marriage counseling was if she had no intention of actually working on the marriage. On top of that how does someone go from being madly in love one year (at one point she was even worried I was going to leave her after alcohol treatment) to suddenly wanting a separation the next year. I can't imagine being able to switch an emotion like that. I took my vows seriously and supported her through a very low point in her life. The fear for her during that stage, followed by the unbridled joy and relief of her getting sober only made the subsequent separation more of a cruel kick to my soul.

I'm lost, confused and left wondering if this is somehow related to sobriety. Does sobriety always change people so drastically? Do they ever return to resembling the person you once knew? I was always a family man so I don't have much in the way of a support group. I'm having trouble putting one foot in front of the other and having a hard time seeing how there could possibly be light at the end of my tunnel. My family is what defined me and gave me purpose and I just want it back so desperately. Sorry for the ramble, but thank you for letting me share.

trailmix

hi LH and welcome to SR, glad you found us, sorry for what brings you here.

Just want to suggest that you visit our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, it's a much busier forum than this one and you will find a wealth of posts and people there you can relate to:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

It's possible that a mod might even more your thread for you!

I haven't read all of your post yet, but I will.

Again, welcome.

trailmix

There is no way to say really.

You mention, that for your part your family defined you, so I'm guessing you were rather isolated as a group? Is that her way, has it always been her way?

What is her life like now, much different than what you have known it to be. Is she more a stay at home person etc.

It's entirely possible that this is just one of those cases where people grow apart over a number of years?

Sorry that's not much help. Others will reply and perhaps you can shed more light on how things have changed for her since the separation.

least

I am sorry you are going thru this. Sometimes people change profoundly when they get sober for good. I hope you can find some peace of mind.

lonelyhusband

She's always been more interested in social events and we certainly had friends over, but they were more friends of the family (parents of our children's friends or work acquaintances). It's not that I was a total shut-in but I was the typical husband that wasn't particularly thrilled to make small talk at the neighborhood potluck.

As far as how she's changed, she quickly made friends through AA and sees them frequently. It just feels like an abrupt transition to this new life with little regard for the 19 years we've been together. It's hard to describe but when the negativity began it's as if she kept searching for something to make her happy. First it was re-doing the kitchen, then talk of getting a puppy, so on and so forth until she decided the marriage was what was keeping her from happiness. I could be wrong but despite being sober it seems she's still operating as an alcoholic.

Thank you for your feedback.

trailmix

It's possible absolutely, but nothing you have said raises any red flags for me, personally.

She may have been feeling this way for a while, she may have looked at 19 years of a domestic life and thought no, that's not what I want.

You know what I mean? I assume you have done some research on alcoholism.

Now, all that said, I have also read many threads here where a SO will go to rehab and come out and look to pursue a different life, generally in those stories the SO has been an addict for quite some time, so it's like they have really changed and perhaps don't know where the other person fits in to the new life they are finding.

Yes, there is a difference between sobriety and recovery, you are probably more aware of if she is truly in recovery, ie not just "white knuckling" it.

Why did she want to go to counselling at all? Could be that she was questioning herself, could be that she wanted to cover all bases before separating.

In no way am I saying that alcoholism is caused by someone unhappy with their life, for whatever reason. What I am saying is that it would be easy to start consuming too much and slip in to alcoholism without realizing that's even happening, trying to mask feelings etc.

I hope you will take time to visit the F&F of alcoholics forum, also there are many great posts in the sticky section at the top of the forum:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Seren

Good morning, lonelyhusband:

Welcome to SR, but sorry you had to find us...

I've moved your thread to the Friends and Family of Alcoholics Forum so that you would receive more help and support. Here, you are among people who understand completely.

dandylion

lonely husband....I can certainly see that you are grief stricken....and, that is very u nderstandable, under the circumstances....this kind of grief is almost impossible to describe in words....it is so excruciating….
While it is going to take time, knowing that it won't always be like this, will help....

Of course, we can't possibly know the marital dynamics of your marriage....but, I have a couple of thoughts as I am reading your post.
I have read that many marriage counselors say that by the time that many couples actually come to counseling, that one of the partners already has one foot out of the door....and, come to the counseling as a last ditch effort to say/feel like they have tried everything....One of the reason for that, it is said, is that the couple waits until the marriage is at a crisis point---a breaking point...and, by that time, there has been sooo much water under the bridge and a lot of damage already done.
Marriage counselors seem to agree that putting a marriage back together is not the only goal of the counseling. that...when a marriage is irrevocably broken, helping the parties to separate in a more humane way, is a valid goal.
Especially important when children are in the mix.
Marriage counselors are not magic wands...they can't repair a marriage if both parties are not on the same page...no matter how hard they may try to help...

Another thought is this....people who study and write about such things, say that when one person really gets sober, that the marital/relationship dynamics change so much that more relationships break up after the sovriety than in the years before. I know that this is shocking to almost everybody....
(this is deep waters and it can be discussed further on this forum, if you are willing to hang around and participate).

I am going to go way out on a limb, here and say that I surmise that you are a very private person and identify as an introvert....? If that would be correct, and add alcoholism to the mix...people tend to become more and more isolated....that is more common than not...
It is not surprising that you have little social support group, right now.
I will suggest that cultivating such a support group will need to go to the top of your to do list.....it is so important in helping you to navigate this....

Given the nature of alcoholism...it would not sipport the idea that your wife "suddenly" became an out of control alcoholic around 3 or so years ago. It is likely that she was going through the initial stages all during the 19 years of marriage,....and, arrived at a late stage, where it began spiraling so fast that she could not contain and maintain, any longer.....
If you both were drinking for the entire time, together, it is possible that you never really knew the part of her that was kept under the surface....AND...that she has n ot really known or expressed her true inner self either!
When you see an alcoholic who is out of control....you are seeing only the tip of the iceberg....because the majority of the iceberg is always hidden under the surface of the water.

lonelyhusband….these are just ramdom thoughts, as I read your post, that I am sharing...as food for your thought...
I hope that you will be motivated to continue to post here.....there is so much to know.
Knowledge is power....

biminiblue

Dandylion's post is so kind and insightful, and she's been around the block with alcoholics.

LonelyHusband, I hope you have an attorney. I am of the practical side of divorce and recovery. The fact she has finessed you into moving out without your kids is concerning. Lawyer up immediately.

I am divorced, and there were drug, alcohol and other types of big problems in my marriage. Divorces are messy and expensive. It sounds as if she has the upper hand financially. Protect yourself and your kids.

Prayers going out to you and your family.

lonelyhusband

Thank you for your comments Dandylion. As far as the marriage counseling being an afterthought, that's certainly what it felt like. Something for her to check off the list to say she tried. I was of the opinion that entering into counseling meant there was an expectation that both parties would be willing to at least try to repair the marriage. Feels very patronizing to sit in a marriage counseling session only to have your wife explain her reasoning for wanting divorce. I would instead call that divorce counseling.

You commented about one person getting sober and the relationship dynamics changing. I should have explained that as soon as we began having trouble I also quit drinking (not because I was addicted but because I wanted to repair the relationship in any way I knew how). She has 2 years and I have 400 days.

And this is where I struggle. It would be one thing if I was a bad person or unwilling to change, but I was actually willing to do whatever it took to mend our relationship. After supporting her through the darkest of times in her alcoholism I would think that with a long term marriage and kids on the line that she would be willing to at least make an effort. This notion of true inner self being revealed in sobriety is also something I'm having trouble wrapping my head around. I've know this woman since college, long before drinking was excessive. I know who she is, and this personality in recovery is not her. It's hard to describe but there's a certain selfishness to it, a bit of inflated ego mixed with a brashness and lack of empathy that I've never seen. I've read extensively and a common theme I keep seeing in the stories of alcoholics is that it often takes them several years in recovery before they "get it". The "it" for each person varies but it generally represents some integral part of a spiritual recovery that they were missing. I can't help but feel like she is in the same boat. She attends plenty of meetings and has friends in the program but never participates in the meetings and only just last month made amends to me after 2 years. I just can't help but feel that she's desperately searching outside of herself for happiness (or in this case something that's preventing her happiness) when really she needs to be looking within herself. Also gratitude and realizing that not everything is perfect, but that it can still be pretty great. I realize I'm taking inventory, but I can't help feeling that something along these lines is going on.

Anyways you are correct that I'm somewhat of an introvert but I've made some supportive friends in Al anon which I sporadically attend. I'm working on it, but the loss of my best friend is overwhelming and paralyzing at times. Thank you for your comments and I look forward to hearing more from others.

Refiner

DiggingForFire

dandylion

lonelyhusband…...I can see that you feel forsaken in that your wife didn't want to stay and work on the relationship...considering that you stayed by her side during her dark out of control drinking days.
I can imagine that you do feel, aside from your other marital problems...that you are the one who is left holding the short end of the stick....at least, that I what I get from your writings....

Since you have acknowledged that you have done a great deal of readings on these matters....I am wondering if you have come across any discussions of the "rescuer" and "victim" roles in relationships. (a google search will give you a lot of material on this concept.
The basic idea is that the rescuer will. eventually become the victim, and the victim will become the persecutor.

My question of you is----Do you see anywhere this concept would fit into your and your wife's relationship....?
LOL...that is a real question...not a statement in disguise.....

Wombaticus

The constant self-evaluation and analysis is exhausting. I've been doing this for months...years.
As a diversion, can i suggest you do something for you over the next few days/weeks. Take a walk, visit a bookshop...anything to take your mind off things.
Have you been able to tell her you feel angry?

lonelyhusband

Well, I'm close. My youngest is 4 years old. He is starting preschool 3 days a week tomorrow actually, however it's only for a couple hours and I'm with him the rest of the day every weekday. He starts full time public kindergarten next year which will free up my caregiver role during the day.

lonelyhusband

Yes. I absolutely feel resentful being left holding the bag. She wasn't exactly the best partner when she was so drunk that she stayed in bed all day, or passed out drunk in our children's bed, or drove them around after drinking. She wasn't particularly attractive when she couldn't form a sentence, vomited every morning from withdrawal, or showed up drunk as my parents arrived for a visit after just having had an MRI to check herself for cirrhosis. No this was not an ideal partner. But you know what? I love her. And my first instinct was not to walk away but to help her in any way I could to get better. I supported her and stood by her side while she made the changes that were necessary in her life.

Now on my side I realize that I was not perfect either. Once she finally expressed her concerns about me and our marriage, I was off to the races. Trying to improve myself as a father and husband, quitting drinking to support her life changes and further improve myself, trying to be more attentive to her needs. However, rather than stand by my side as I made the changes that were necessary in MY life, she decided to move on.

Of course I'm glad that the mother of my children is still alive, but sometimes I catch myself wishing I hadn't helped. That if I had simply let her kill herself with alcohol, at least I wouldn't have to deal with the pain of rejection after having supported her throughout her recovery.

What also stings so much is how close we were, and her enthusiasm for our relationship during the first year or so of her recovery. This jekyll and hyde switch in her attitude towards me is confounding. It's a lot like the personality change I noticed in her when the alcoholism really took hold. If I was a jerk, or abusive, or didn't quit drinking in solidarity, or didn't support her sobriety I could understand her not wanting to make an attempt to mend the marriage, but I am none of those things.

I'm just so sad. Sad for our children. Sad for myself. Morning the loss of a life that I thought could be wonderful and different and more enriching as a family embracing sobriety. To not at least want to give that a try will forever be a mystery to me.

As a side note I did read a little bit on the rescuer, victim, persecutor triangle. Certainly some of those states of being have applied to us over the years. I'm sure she would categorize herself as the rescuer as the primary breadwinner in the family and perhaps I was the victim who became too comfortable allowing her to shoulder an unfair amount of the responsibilities of life. Then I suppose a swap occurred with me being the rescuer during her alcoholism and now another switch to her being the persecutor now that she's recovered. It was interesting to learn about but with broad categories I think anyone could be squeezed into one of those roles. I feel like the human condition is more nuanced and complex than 3 categories but it was interesting to explore nevertheless.

Thanks again for your continued dialog Dandylion. It's helpful to talk.

Sasha1972

For what it's worth - to me, the behavior you're describing sounds like someone who wants out of a marriage, not necessarily related to alcoholism. If she's really unhappy, it may have been building for a few years inside here, so she's already emotionally partway out the door, which can come across as callous. I appreciate that you spent a lot of time with her while she was working on getting sober, and for her to now decide she's done with you doesn't seem fair. I think you can file this under "life sucks sometimes".

What steps can you take to prepare yourself for life as a single person? It looks like that's the direction you're headed.

Zevin

Also sounds like she might be going through a bit of a mid-life crisis.
I'm so sorry. Your pain is palpable through your comments.
I second whoever suggested you see a lawyer, just to make sure you aren't blindsided financially.

endofmyrope65

Ugggggg.

She said: "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

I'll translate for you...

"I am having an affair".

Check your phone records. Very good chance she is cheating and has been since "the change".

AA is notorious for it. Sorry.

biminiblue

The other thing (and I say this as an alcoholic in recovery myself) is that addictive people have addictions. Of course there is no way for us to know what is going on here, but this paragraph:
and especially that bolded part, made my mind go to prescription (or illegal) drugs. She wouldn't be the first recovering alcoholic who switched to benzos or opiates.

Sorry, I know you don't need more to worry about and you may have already thought about this.

One thing about addicts/addictions that is absolutely true: More will be revealed.