sobersolstice

So, I stopped drinking for about 500 days, and have been drinking 'when I feel like it' for the last two months. This all started with a girlfriend who likes to have a drink or two before dinner (or during). She never drinks more than two, and I do the same.

The drinks didn't really taste good, and the only thing it did was take the edge off for a bit. Otherwise, it was a bit of energy, then blah, then tired. I started back up because my daily life without booze was honestly becoming more lazy and unproductive, with what felt like no real social outlet. The girlfriend bit is nice, but I found myself drinking by myself last night after calling friends to go out, to realize they weren't going out, so watched some UFC and decided to have a beer. I've had the same six pack of some beer with a cool can I had grabbed for an occasion with friends and didn't finish it for a week until last night. I only had 3 beers, and never had more than this over the last couple months even when I had intent to go out and party crazy.

In the past, all of my slips have been full blown disasters. I don't want this to slide into the disaster zone, and feel my AV may be pulling me downhill, but am hanging in there for now. Just focusing on health and livelihood. Inside, I know I'll feel crap if I overdo it, so I don't. I'm not sure whether I should feel like a failure, or how to address this...

If anyone wants to share their experience with 'moderating' for a while, then falling apart, please tell. I know this isn't the site for this, but are there any humans out there who "re-wire" their thinking during a long break and live a 'normie' life? Or does everyone fall apart?

I remember writing in here that if I blow it this time, I'll just resign to drinking... and, for now, it's 'okay' as in no detriment. I just don't know what will happen if I stay disciplined toward my priorities, or if my discipline fades. Drinking is just kind of an afterthought most days, unless I start into my head too deep and focus too much on it (like now). I'm fine, but yesterday's boredom drink alone with my tv has me worried. I have a beer left in the fridge, but likely won't drink it tonight.

I don't know if I'm asking the right group here, and the safe option is to stop, but ugh... life is confusing.

Callas

Life is confusing you got that right. I have no idea what will happen with your drinking being only 6 months sober and never having tried moderation. I just wonder what is the point of one or two beers. It does not relieve boredom, it does not provide an escape, it gives no buzz. It’s like swimming in a pool with no water in. Yes it is a pool, yes you have a bathing suit on, but where is the fun? And what will happen if you forget for a moment and dive head first into that pool?

Hevyn

I'm glad you asked, sobersolstice.
For me....every attempt at moderating eventually fell apart. As Dee has often said, the times we're successful at moderating are dangerous. It encourages us to think we've got the problem solved & can now be social drinkers. I was sober for 3 yrs. once - was sure I'd never allow myself to go back to the miserable life of a daily drinker. (I realize you probably never reached that point.) I only had one night that I was able to hold it down to a couple drinks. Once I let it back into my life, it didn't take long for me to go off the rails. This time, it was even worse - I ended up doing things I swore I never would, put myself in danger - confused everyone, & put my job in jeopardy. My meltdown served a purpose, though - I was finally convinced I couldn't touch a drop. If I could have re-wired my brain, I would have. It was not possible.

Your honesty is admirable, and will serve you well.

Hawkeye13

I would do well for awhile but it would slowly creep up like is happening to you. Then one day one too many and I would drink far too much.

By then it is hard to get momentum to stop again.

Pouncer

I "moderated" many, many times before a period of nearly 4 years of abstinence. Abstinence was much easier than moderation. It was torture and all-consuming. I had many "successes" in moderating. I would feel really proud if I only consumed 2 or 3 drinks - I realize non-alcoholics don't think that way.

I fell off the wagon a few days ago and drank a bottle of wine. I made a fool of myself and had a hangover for 2 days. Before I took any action on my craving, there were flashing signs I would relapse, that I only recognize now. Convincing myself that I wasn't an alcoholic was a huge mistake. Every time I decide to "moderate," I start right back where I left off. I believe it's hardwired in my cognitive program now.

I have old posts on the SR where I seem to be asking permission from others to drink, convincing myself that I am not an alcoholic like them. I don't know if you are an alcoholic or not, but you are here, so there must be some recognition that you have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. Only you can answer that.

Is alcohol interfering with the life that you want to have? Sending you strength, wisdom and hope.

Natom

Hey dude,

Personally moderation has never worked for me. I mean if I think about it I'm 'moderating' my use right now. I'm a high functioning opiate addict that's lied to himself about moderation since the first time I tried to get clean back in 2010.

As a person I can't do moderation. I'm an all or nothing man. On the occasions I've tried moderating my use it's been successful for a short period of time but then my usage has increased to the point where I'm not moderating anything anymore.

My 'little slips' have always ended up being the same as my 'full-blown slips'. The only difference has been the timescale. My little slips start off slow and eventually develop into full-blown slips whereas my full-blown slips are like that from the start.

You know what your triggers are, you know whether you're lying to yourself about them. Only you can really decide if moderation will work for you.

ReadyAtLast

I was sober for 3.5 years and then picked up, drank a couple of glasses. Wasn't really that bothered. But did it again the next month. Same thing. then again a few weeks later. I felt fine, was fine. Until one night I drank so much and made a total fool of myself. So i stopped again. but then picked up again a couple of weeks later. the times stopped became shorter until by 12 months later I was drinking every night. Fast forward 2 years and i'm still on and off.

Don't mistake a period of abstinence for control. There is no reset button. It might take a few weeks/month to fall back into the abyss but it will happen.

Anna

Personally, I'd be surprised if you could re-wire your brain in two months to be like that of a non-alcoholic. I took about 3 months of sobriety before my brain began to function normally and I could see the world clearly.

I always remember Betty Ford's comment that once you cross that invisible line, you can never go back.

biminiblue

Moderation didn't work for me, and I really tried.

It did work for a little while.

I had been sober for 18 YEARS before I tried moderation. Yeah, I didn't, "rewire," my addictive desire. It doesn't work like that.

I hope you survive this intact with no further decline in your quality of life, but I would never in a million years place a bet on that happening and I won't try that again.

Quit now, while it's still possible.

Kaily

Moderation is progressive until it is no longer moderation. The fact that you are asking the question indicates there is a potential problem.

I hope you make the right decision sobersolstice.

ColoradoRocky

Wait a minute. I thought I made that line up! Maybe it's been getting around anemophilously for decades ? !

August252015

Gosh, no.

Respectfully, everything you describe equates to one thing for me: an alcoholic can never drink again, safely [ moderately, say ] and on a permanent basis.

Life isn't actually complicated for us, as we want it to be before we quit - or don't.

BeABetterMan

WeThinkNot

Recently I was reading about the actor Philip Seymour Hoffman. He had quit drinking and drugging at a young age and maintained sobriety for 23 years. Allegedly his initial relapse was having a drink at a wrap party.

Less than two years later he was found dead with a needle sticking out of his arm. If you google his last pictures it is not a pretty sight.

This is the most definitive answer I can think of to your question.

ColoradoRocky

Dear Fellow Coloradoan,

I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but the fact that you joined this site over seven years ago, and that you have 380-some posts, leads me to deduce that you've been around the block and know the ropes. I will further deduce that moderation hasn't worked for you in the past.

Re-wire during a long break?

I apologize to WeThinkNot, but I will one-up your story about the progressive nature of alcohol.

My sponsor was best friends with a man who put together over thirty years of not drinking, built a wonderful life, put his kids through college, and retired to Arizona with his wife of 29 years to a house on the 14th green of a golf course.

One night at the golf course clubhouse, at a community Thanksgiving Day cocktail social, he got the notion that a nice dry martini couldn't hurt after all that time off. He was dead by Christmas. The Maricopa County coroner ruled the cause of death as organ failure due to complications from alcohol.

If the safe option is not to drink (it certainly is for me), it can't be that complicated (at least it isn't for me).

Dee74

Nope I can't do it - dunno anyone who drank like me who can.

I stopped drinking (mostly) when I found a partner but slowly the self destructive, lone drinking and personality changes crept back in and I lost that relationship.

I hurt her and others really badly.

Any relationship that's predicated on you being a drinker is doomed to failure man.

Took me 20 years to find acceptance of my always and permanent toxic relationship with alcohol.

Be smarter than me, SS

Misssy2

I'm not sure..the fact that you are starting to question it...does it mean that you are becoming unsure if this is healthy for you? OR is it you want people to say...this is good for you and you are doing ok?

People aren't going to say the later...no alcoholic is going to encourage another alcoholic to drink.....

I think the fact you posted here...is that you might know it is a problem and you might want to be called out on it...I didn't read the responses...but I am sure you were called out on it...in a forum like this.

Primativo

Life is so much easier with abstinence. If I have a drink, even if its only s couple, it reawakens the obsession with alcohol. It reawakens the crave, I start thinking about alcohol more often. I get tempted to have drinks, and will cave in more readily. Every time I drink I increase the chance I will end up on a binge.

With abstinence, the obsession disappears after a few months, or at least reduces dramatically. You don't have the crave. It really is that simple. So moderation doesn't work, as you are continuously teasing your brain with alcohol. Constantly reopening those neural pathways.

You need to shut them off permanently and the only way is abstinence. That is the only way to reset your brain back into its normal state.

Fearlessat50

There’s too many stories like the one wethinknot told about Seymour Hoffman. I agree with what others have said -abstinence is easier. It’s also healthier and more spiritually fulfilling. After abusing alcohol so many times, anytime I tried moderation, even though I could sometimes carry on for a while, I felt so spiritually empty and guilty. It reminds me of being in an abusive relationship, then going back to your abuser. To me, that shows a lack of self love/respect.

I could do moderation up to three months, but I always eventually worked back up to alcoholic drinking and it was worse each time. Everyone has a different story how their drinking progressed. Mine was due to major life stressors and I used alcohol to self medicate. I could moderate for a while when the life stress seemed more manageable. But when things turned, since I didn’t develop replacement coping skills, I always turned back to alcohol. I don’t think it matters why you started drinking heavily. Once that line is crossed, eventually most will go back to the same pattern of drinking. It’s due to how alcoholic drinking changes brain chemistry over time.

Alcoholics are like pickles. Once you are a pickle, you can’t go back to a cucumber

dcg

Let's not be disingenuous here. One or two beers does give a buzz. No one would have drank that p*** if it took 3 to get some fuzzies going.

When my tolerance was at its highest and I tapered from copious amounts of daily vodka and my last day was one 6% beer, I got a pretty ideal buzz. It made me wonder why I started every drinking session by slamming 6oz of vodka.