Now or never
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Now or never
Hi,
I'm going to introduce myself in two versions:
Short version:
I'm Jan from Germany, I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to change that.
Extended version:
This is me: In the morning I stand up looking forward to go to my job. Since I strictly follow a whole-foods, plant-based diet and do a lot of sports my colleagues consider me a health nazi. When I return home, I do some sports. After that, I drink red wine. Usually 3 bottles, sometimes 4. I do that since ~ 10 years now.
The life I'm leading is a grotesque double life. To make it function, I built it - year by year a little bit more - around alcohol without even recognizing it. E.g., in order to buy (on an average) 3 bottles/d, I shop in 12 different shops. You don't want to be unmasked, do you? During daytime, I never feel any craving, yet it would be unthinkable for me to start the weekend without sufficient supply.
In late spring I managed to stop drinking for 5 weeks. It wasn't easy at all, but in hindsight manageable. I cannot describe the effect it had on my health and my pride! I relapsed twice in that time. The first time I went to buy cat litter and returned with bottles of red wine. It came all of a sudden, I persuaded myself that i'm (apart from tremor, abdominal pain, headaches etc.) not physically dependent, I had some stress and so on. You know what I mean. The second time I relapsed for good, it left me drinking until this day.
I found your forum by pure coincidence, I'm deeply touched about the support & love you give to people! After hours of browsing through your forum, I decided that this is my day 1, it's time to take a stand. I emptied the bottles into the sink and started typing my introduction. To be honest, I'm sure, I'll be ok in the first days, maybe even weeks. But I'm mortified to relapse and keep drinking again subsequently. I hope that this forum is my backstop in this case.
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, it's tough to write down, who and what you are, and reread it. At the same time I'm proud and confident, that I'll make it!
Thank you!
I'm going to introduce myself in two versions:
Short version:
I'm Jan from Germany, I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to change that.
Extended version:
This is me: In the morning I stand up looking forward to go to my job. Since I strictly follow a whole-foods, plant-based diet and do a lot of sports my colleagues consider me a health nazi. When I return home, I do some sports. After that, I drink red wine. Usually 3 bottles, sometimes 4. I do that since ~ 10 years now.
The life I'm leading is a grotesque double life. To make it function, I built it - year by year a little bit more - around alcohol without even recognizing it. E.g., in order to buy (on an average) 3 bottles/d, I shop in 12 different shops. You don't want to be unmasked, do you? During daytime, I never feel any craving, yet it would be unthinkable for me to start the weekend without sufficient supply.
In late spring I managed to stop drinking for 5 weeks. It wasn't easy at all, but in hindsight manageable. I cannot describe the effect it had on my health and my pride! I relapsed twice in that time. The first time I went to buy cat litter and returned with bottles of red wine. It came all of a sudden, I persuaded myself that i'm (apart from tremor, abdominal pain, headaches etc.) not physically dependent, I had some stress and so on. You know what I mean. The second time I relapsed for good, it left me drinking until this day.
I found your forum by pure coincidence, I'm deeply touched about the support & love you give to people! After hours of browsing through your forum, I decided that this is my day 1, it's time to take a stand. I emptied the bottles into the sink and started typing my introduction. To be honest, I'm sure, I'll be ok in the first days, maybe even weeks. But I'm mortified to relapse and keep drinking again subsequently. I hope that this forum is my backstop in this case.
I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes, it's tough to write down, who and what you are, and reread it. At the same time I'm proud and confident, that I'll make it!
Thank you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, Jan.
and congratulations on starting the unmasking!
i am an alcoholic, too, and i can't change that, but i sure could finally stop drinking and stay stopped, and getting connected with others was a huge part of that.
stick around.
and congratulations on starting the unmasking!
i am an alcoholic, too, and i can't change that, but i sure could finally stop drinking and stay stopped, and getting connected with others was a huge part of that.
stick around.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Pleased to meet you, Jan. You've landed in a good place.
Please continue to write, even when your will is strong. Waiting until I feel the urge has been of limited use to me here in the past, as those cravings seem to begin even before I'm aware of them.
O
Please continue to write, even when your will is strong. Waiting until I feel the urge has been of limited use to me here in the past, as those cravings seem to begin even before I'm aware of them.
O
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hello and welcome. So sounds like you want to give sobriety another try? Good for you. Wise choice. Probably be one of your best desisions you make. I know it was mine. That vicious cycle gets old. Its time to start living my friend. You are at the right place stick around here . hey you only have to think of today. No drink today. And so on ✌
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Welcome Jan, you have taken an important step by writing your post. Bad habits can be broken and healthy things can take their place. Keep coming back, there is a lot of experience on this forum and everyone understands how difficult it is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Thank you all for your kind welcome!
I'm surely follow Obladi's advice and write regularly. When I'm enthusiastic about a resolution, I'm genuinely strong-willed. Alas, once it's normality, I'm an easy target.
When I woke up this morning, I would have agreed that I should cut down alcohol. A bit. 14 hours later people from Canada or the States offer me help with my alcohol problem, that I denied out of existence for years and years. That is so liberating!
I'm going to distract myself a bit, before I go to bed. I'm not nervous right now, I'm way too happy to have met you and finally stop drinking for good!
I'm surely follow Obladi's advice and write regularly. When I'm enthusiastic about a resolution, I'm genuinely strong-willed. Alas, once it's normality, I'm an easy target.
When I woke up this morning, I would have agreed that I should cut down alcohol. A bit. 14 hours later people from Canada or the States offer me help with my alcohol problem, that I denied out of existence for years and years. That is so liberating!
I'm going to distract myself a bit, before I go to bed. I'm not nervous right now, I'm way too happy to have met you and finally stop drinking for good!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Quick update: the night was unpleasant. Rapid and way too present heartbeat, anxiety, the feeling to choke, when I closed my eyes. Since sleeping was no option, I stood up and busied my mind. The upcoming nights will be disquiet, but I'll get through them.
I'm way more afraid of the post-detoxication weeks. I vividly remember my relapses, I wasn't thinking about or craving for alcohol at all. I was in a supermarket and my thought process went like this: "Now over there to the cat food for mademoiselle. Keep in mind, chicken is fine, she had salmon yesterday, tuna means riot, I better place the wine bottles underneath the leek", there was no craving, no feeling or thought. Just a fact. I guess, this is the point where it's going to be pretty rough for me. I'm now convinced, that I stand no chance without help. I wrote a mail to a friend, she is a doctor. In this mail, I told her everything and asked her to introduce me to a shrink or psychologist. Hopefully, I can jump the queue here. It's time to get to the root, my life needs a serious cleanup. It was an absurdly happy moment to write that mail to her.
Apart from that I wrote down a couple of rules for the next months:
1.) One Relapse means a walk to Alcoholics Anonymous. No negotiations about that. Their bureau in my city is at the Gesundheitsstraße, which means "Health Road" in English (but we got no humour, eh?)
2.) I'm fine during the day, but when the evening comes, I'm most vulnerable. No old patterns, only new ones.
Bottom line: I'm sitting quite tired at my job, but I'm optimistic to get through the next days more or less in one piece. Then it's time to get my act together!
Day 1? Done.
I'm way more afraid of the post-detoxication weeks. I vividly remember my relapses, I wasn't thinking about or craving for alcohol at all. I was in a supermarket and my thought process went like this: "Now over there to the cat food for mademoiselle. Keep in mind, chicken is fine, she had salmon yesterday, tuna means riot, I better place the wine bottles underneath the leek", there was no craving, no feeling or thought. Just a fact. I guess, this is the point where it's going to be pretty rough for me. I'm now convinced, that I stand no chance without help. I wrote a mail to a friend, she is a doctor. In this mail, I told her everything and asked her to introduce me to a shrink or psychologist. Hopefully, I can jump the queue here. It's time to get to the root, my life needs a serious cleanup. It was an absurdly happy moment to write that mail to her.
Apart from that I wrote down a couple of rules for the next months:
1.) One Relapse means a walk to Alcoholics Anonymous. No negotiations about that. Their bureau in my city is at the Gesundheitsstraße, which means "Health Road" in English (but we got no humour, eh?)
2.) I'm fine during the day, but when the evening comes, I'm most vulnerable. No old patterns, only new ones.
Bottom line: I'm sitting quite tired at my job, but I'm optimistic to get through the next days more or less in one piece. Then it's time to get my act together!
Day 1? Done.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,060
Well done on day 1 Ravel.
Shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted springs to mind.
Act now, don't wait for it to happen.
Originally Posted by Ravel 
1.) One Relapse means a walk to Alcoholics Anonymous. No negotiations about that. Their bureau in my city is at the Gesundheitsstraße, which means "Health Road" in English (but we got no humour, eh?)
Act now, don't wait for it to happen.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by Kaily
Hi and welcome to your new life...
The emotion and gratitude in your post is infectious and heartwarming.
Your recovery will be remarkably rewarding.
The emotion and gratitude in your post is infectious and heartwarming.
Your recovery will be remarkably rewarding.
Just last wk, our friend Kaily was using words like "despondent" for her feelings. We can all relate, I believe. And yet - how much can and will those feelings change to hope, and heartwarming, ones when we keep going.
Love these shares.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hi Jan,
I suggest cutting your mind off from the possibility of drinking - ever. Some folks around say "it's off the table as an option." And at the same time, I encourage you to go to Health Road today. Not so much because I think you need it - I don't know you, after all. But because it will be a change to your routine and it is nice to simply sit in the company of others who know what it's like.
O
I suggest cutting your mind off from the possibility of drinking - ever. Some folks around say "it's off the table as an option." And at the same time, I encourage you to go to Health Road today. Not so much because I think you need it - I don't know you, after all. But because it will be a change to your routine and it is nice to simply sit in the company of others who know what it's like.
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Germany
Posts: 210
Hi Kaily & Obladi,
it's the obvious thing to do, you're right. If it doesn't make sense to me after a couple of sessions, I still can quit. This is certainly the wrong time to exercise avoidance strategies. So, the meeting is on Wednesday, 8 pm.
Meanwhile my friend (the doc) called me, she is going to perform a medical check on me this afternoon (blood sample etc.) and discuss the shrink options.
Thanks to both of you. This is exactely, what I need: a bold kick into the right direction!
it's the obvious thing to do, you're right. If it doesn't make sense to me after a couple of sessions, I still can quit. This is certainly the wrong time to exercise avoidance strategies. So, the meeting is on Wednesday, 8 pm.
Meanwhile my friend (the doc) called me, she is going to perform a medical check on me this afternoon (blood sample etc.) and discuss the shrink options.
Thanks to both of you. This is exactely, what I need: a bold kick into the right direction!
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