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Despondent.

Old 08-31-2019, 11:43 PM
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Despondent.

Not feeling great despite having 10 months hard fought for sobriety today.

For some reason my mental health has suddenly started to decline. I am obsessing about things I have no control of or any business to be concerning myself with. I don't interfere, it is all in my head driving me mad. Going round and round like a merry go round ~ except no merry .

I have horrible thoughts in my head. I feel like I dislike everyone even though I actually have no one close to me. I want to withdraw even more if that is possible. Yet really I want people. I'm lonely.

On top of that I have been acting impulsively and don't feel in control.

Whilst feeling like this I purchased a second hand sofa. Just pressed the button buy now like a dare. I never impulse buy when I am well, can't afford to, money is tight. Anyway it arrived and is just awful. It smells and is like sitting on a park bench! I bought unseen after trusting the words of a unscrupulous seller on ebay. I am now fighting for a refund but it is her word against mine. She is blaming the courier. I don't need the stress, I want it out of my house. It feels like an intruder in my cocoon - can't explain.

My point is this combination of feeling unstable and the added stress of in my eyes being conned excited my av beyond belief. I really nearly drank yesterday. The bottle in the shop was in my hand. And those feelings are still with me today.

I want to knock myself out. Eliminate all these feelings, be numb and oblivious.

Or do I? Inner conflict and common sense tells me not. Av says yes.

Help please. I am in the danger zone.
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Old 08-31-2019, 11:55 PM
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Oh yes, definitely drink. You’ll feel just great in the morning. You’ll love the couch much better filled with guilt and a raging headache. Not to mention the shame of listing your sobriety.....kissing! Of course you shouldn’t drink silly!

But you’re not crazy or abnormal for considering drinking. I’ve heard that putting down the drink is the easy part, living life on life’s terms is what’s tough. I’ve even heard that alcoholism is living life. Which is actually brilliant.

Please remember that your thoughts are not necessarily reality. Have you gotten away from
doing some things you were doing when you were feeling better? I’m ready a great book that says the goal of life should not be to be happy. But instead to be content and of use. Whenever I was feeling like you are, my sponsor would always first tell me to do something kind for someone else, usually without that person noticing. Another way is to call someone and not talk about your problems. Call them to listen, see how you could be of help, even if just being silent, or tel them, “I understand.”

Sorry, this wasn’t a great response, xim
suoer tired but I know you’re struggling and it’s late so I wanted to at minimum acknowledgement your struggle. Best wishes and hope to talk to you more soon.
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Old 08-31-2019, 11:56 PM
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I have been there.

first two years I had some real struggle times.... for me it was essential to get engaged in therapy and to get to meetings and listen and share.

Therapy and self healing to address the long-neglected emotional and psychological and spiritual awfulness was critical. Getting out of the house and engaging in exercise and doing things - new things - sober things to build community. Getting outside myself with volunteering.....

it gets better - but requires action
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Old 09-01-2019, 12:00 AM
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I'm so grateful that you didn't drink and you logged on!
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Old 09-01-2019, 12:09 AM
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Hi Kaily - sorry you're not feeling great,

Stick to your guns on the sofa - if you can't sort it out with the seller go to eBay itself and ask for a conflict resolution.

You have within 30 days from delivery to start that process

I have never had a refund refused on ebay

I'm not sure what to offer apart from that - other than to say please keep posting - keep asking for help - a trouble shared really is a trouble halved...and anything is better than drinking.

You'll come an amazingly long way Kaily - don't lose heart now - it'll be ok

D
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Old 09-01-2019, 12:38 AM
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Tension / nervous energy and sheer frustration - know them well! I invested in a Cross Trainer and now take my annoyance out on that Helps the waistline and gets rid of the build up.
Hope you find something that works as well for you and well done for not drinking x
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Old 09-01-2019, 12:59 AM
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Hi Kaily, sorry you are struggling. I second what Dee said regarding ebay. There's a good chance that if you get through this without picking up it will give you a boost.


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Old 09-01-2019, 01:06 AM
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The SMALL cost of a sofa. is NOT worth the cost of your self esteem or recovery, KAILY. You know this of course, but since when has logic been something we use when craving? Craving for me- like for sugar, comes in waves. It never tastes as good as it does before buying the stuff...…
Keep posting, distract yourself - put the sofa in your garage or whatever and just remember- even if you do not get your money back- it is not worth your soul.
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Old 09-01-2019, 01:14 AM
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Many congrats on 10 months sobriety. Please don't throw it away.

Have you opened a case with ebay? They are usually very good.

Exercise is helping me with my mental health hugely. Get a walk run/scream but please don't drink
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Old 09-01-2019, 02:07 AM
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Thank you for the kind words everyone. I am feeling very fragile.

The sofa is not the cause of me feeling like this, it is a consequence. I was way off kilter mentally already, this has just made things worse. Doing impulsive out of character stuff. Sorta like we do when we are drinking but minus the drunk!

And this hating I can't explain. I am even struggling to watch tv. Everything is annoying/ triggering me. Like voices in my head.

This all came out of nowhere a few weeks ago. Until then I was poodling along steadily. Up and down as in normal life. And pow! All this stuff in my head.

I am not actually craving a drink. I am craving to self medicate away these feelings. The only way I know how. One and the same thing I know.

Therapy = endless nhs waiting lists.

Finally after years of waiting I get given group therapy which is not, for me helpful at all. Yet I do go and I leave feeling worse. Unable to share in that setting, taking on others problems which trigger my own. I have raised my concerns but they have fallen on deaf ears.

I have opened a case with ebay. Yet another battle.

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Old 09-01-2019, 02:12 AM
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Kaily - I've noticed your posts often. You're such an articulate and bright person you cannot alllow a second- hand sofa to bring you down!. This is obviously a lousy time for you but it will pass and in the meantime fight with everything you can not to give up your fabulous 10 months.

I'm totally with you on impulse buys and I'm very good at that myself, I once bought a huge second hand old-fashioned pray for my then very small baby in the belief it would help him to sleep. I could hardly even get it through my front door and when I did it stood there like a huge albatross. Never used it once and it was a right pain to get rid of. I wish I could say I'd learnt my lesson but I'm still good at impulse buys albeit on a slightly smaller scale. Hope you are feeling a bit better today and I really hope you don't drink.
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Old 09-01-2019, 02:15 AM
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I really hear you Kaily, and identify with the attempts to feel better through shopping, buying something new. It's one of the cunning, baffling, powerful parts for me - anything that can cause stress, has this illness doing cartwheels, and it is one the ways I try to make myself feel better too sometimes.

First, I can only echo what Free Owl has said. AA provided a structure for me early on, particularly when I get a tea making commitment at a lunchtime meetings, and a community of people who expected me to turn up. That was priceless. I also got to know women who helped me through the step programme. That was priceless too. Therapy, yes for sure, its helped in the past and although very challenging, is helping again now.

Second, don't panic. Breathe. Is there any tai chi or meditation you can get involved in, relatively low cost? I've been to classes with these https://www.taoisttaichi.org/ They are really very welcoming, and it is so helpful to shift the focus elsewhere, and the opportunity to get to know people. The only reason I don't go now is time constraints, as I meditate and run regularly now (not at the same time....well sometimes) Anyway, highly recommended

Finally! Cant overstate the importance when living alone (I do too) of having those commitments, places we're expected, and a little community in the day. It's really important those opportunities for friendliness and light relief.

Wishing you well.
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Old 09-01-2019, 02:44 AM
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The sofa is not the cause of me feeling like this, it is a consequence. I was way off kilter mentally already, this has just made things worse. Doing impulsive out of character stuff. Sorta like we do when we are drinking but minus the drunk!
I never meant to suggest it was Kaily - just suggesting that it's a fairly easily resolved problem

People can sometimes get off kilter - it can be coming up to an anniversary, or the change of a season or just simply a lot of challenging situations happening at once.

You can get through them sober and you will feel better, I promise

D
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:16 AM
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10 months is wonderful. Please don’t throw it away even if life is tough now. It is such a great achievement which many of us on here still strive for.
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:41 AM
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On a lighter note I now have a choice of 10 different places to sit in the lounge of my very tiny house.!

The fact that not one of them is comfortable, I never have visitors and it looks like a DFS showroom really is beside the point.

Laugh in the face of adversity.
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:42 AM
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Oh, lovely kaily! I remember your very first posts here so well. I relate to your posts well, too - and the online shopping thing is very familiar. Others have commented on it, perhaps enough, tho one suggestion I have is to start and keep photo albums on your phone if you have an iPhone like me. I have a lot of them and one "all the pretty dresses" holds clothes and accessory ideas, some of which I do buy and most of which I post there when "inspiration" strikes and it will delay and often prevent impulse or regrettable buys! I have one called "homemaking" too for ideas of how we will do our condo when we get one!

You have come.so.far. I think you know that deep down- and I KNOW you don't want to go back to your earliest vodka full days and sickness and despondency.

So glad you are sharing. Keep sharing. Know that we get it. I am always so grateful when I get thru the downs (etc!) that you describe, sober.

Hugs
A
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:57 AM
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I feel like you described still sometimes. But, i am used to it. I call it paws. Basically, entry level insanity from too much drinking.

If i relapsed, there might be some temporary calming, but I know the insanity will come back worse. Viscous circle.

I didn't heal as much as I got used to feeling creepy. Then it got better.

I felt like hell for long long time. But, I used exercise to feel better.

I get adrenaline, endorphins, and dopamine from routine body blasting exercise.

I alternate cardio, 30 minutes, with weight training, 1 to 2 hours, 4 to 7 days a week.

I have a gym membership and it helps. It was hard for me to push myself alone.

I am heavily kindled. The relapse/recovering from booze for the last several decades has permanently altered my brain.

If I relapse again, I might not make it out.

Suffering has been my go to feeling. I call it growing up.

Thanks.
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:57 AM
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Kaily, I too remember your original posts, when you were struggling to stop drinking. You did it, and now have an amazing 10 months! I was about to re-read your earlier posts and place one here. Decided not to, on the basis it might do the opposite of my intention, and depress you.

But suffice it to say, Kaily, from where I’m stood, you read like a different person now, the non-drinking Kaily shines through.

When I picked up a drink after two and a half years, I did so to self-medicate, temporarily drown out out the incessant thoughts in my head, and feelings of despair. It took me an horrendous 6 months and over, to escape alcohols grip again, at one point, I was resigned to an alcohol-induced death. With hindsight, banging my head and causing temporary concussion, would’ve been less damaging than picking up again.

I’ve learnt my lesson: I have no off-button, it’s permanently broken. Is there anywhere you could volunteer, Kaily, I’m sure you have a lot to offer. I used to feel a real lift in spirits after helping at a dogs home. I’ve since read that known benefits, to include increased sense of well-being and neuroscientists research resulted in it being called a “Helper’s High’ because of the resultant positive effects upon the giver. Stay strong, you can do this 🤗.
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Old 09-01-2019, 04:12 AM
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Love Tatsy's post

And Kaily- one thing I have found true all along is that I can "shift" my mind and my whole day, even, when I start with the smallest things for someone/something outside of me. Like perpetuates like, so to speak - and it is just like a negative cycle, you can start and keep repeating a positive, gentle one that circles hope.

Take care of yourself today. I'm not sure I mentioned it but I recall 10 being a mixed month for me. It was December of my first yr sober, and so much good was happening, but I felt much like you are sharing at times as well.
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Old 09-01-2019, 04:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
Kaily, I too remember your original posts, when you were struggling to stop drinking. You did it, and now have an amazing 10 months! I was about to re-read your earlier posts and place one here. Decided not to, on the basis it might do the opposite of my intention, and depress you.
Thank you, I am glad you didn't. I was so broken. I struggle to even look at them.
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